Spying

[Sasasaah]

It's been done I'm sure but I'd love to know thoughts on spying on your partner.

Every now and then I check up on my partner. Maybe 3 or 4 times a year. My phone, computer, literally everything is accessible, has been for 14 years, her too.

Now don't get me wrong, because I know you're all going to jump on me, I only generally do this when I feel insecure and if she did it when she felt insecure, wouldn't mind. I have nothing to hide.

Personally if you come to MN, spying seems to be bad, spying seems to be a symptom of a bad relationship but Say otherwise, if it's all the time then something is wrong.

We all think we know each other but we REALLY don't. We all hide things but we all live in the hope that the things other people are hiding aren't big things like having an affair, bring a serial killer or having another family

Apologies for any bad grammar. I don't proof read.

Have you actually got reason to feel insecure, has she form for cheating on you?

Otherwise, basically you're self-soothing in a destructive way at her expense, and you should actually get to the root of your own issues and deal with them instead.

@category12

Have you actually got reason to feel insecure, has she form for cheating on you?

Otherwise, basically you're self-soothing in a destructive way at her expense, and you should actually get to the root of your own issues and deal with them instead.

Can't put it better than this!

Your matey tone and your actions don't fit together very well. Has your partner given her permission for you to access her phone, emails etc as you please? If she has it's not 'spying'. If she hasn't it is a complete invasion of her privacy.

Perfectly put and I agree with you. I am self soothing at the moment, she has given me no reason at all. As I've said every now and then for reasons of my own / relationship issues / insecurity I check up on her 3 or 4 times a year.

Why?

Because no matter what you think or who you are or who you think you are, you can't read other people's minds.

It's more of a philosophical relationship question.

Does she know you do this? You're just indulging in your own insecurities at the expense of your partner. I would dump you for this.

'We all hide things' - what are you hiding OP? You sound very controlling. Newsflash, it's mainly the fellas that cheat on the women not the other way round. Leave the poor girl's computer alone

Sorry last msg was for @youvegottenminuteslynn

@NoCureForLove Of course she doesn't otherwise it wouldn't be called spying.

I don't mind if she checks up on me, for all I know she could be writing a very similar message on a different page on a different website. Wouldn't bother me if it relived her insecurity / momentarily anxiety.

So here's the question.
Why do you feel insecure?
Are you in a financially vulnerable position?

I'm certain I could check my OH's phone and computer but I haven't, not in 30+ years. I'd be astounded and upset if he had either.

There have been a couple of times we've had to have awkward conversations but we have (eventually) put our big girl and boy pants on and had them!

If you're insecure because of you not your OH then sort yourself out. Reading, therapy, etc.

If it's because of them doing stuff then talk to them. If it's them all the time then go find someone who doesn't mess you about.

You'll read people advising snooping on MN because women are v often in a vulnerable position financially and need to know if their OH is about to hide a stash of cash and leave them & the kids high and dry. You'll also see that in the rare cases where there aren't obvious reasons to doubt, the woman is advised that if the trust is gone the relationship is gone and just leave, don't bother snooping.

Yes philosophical question - should I do destructive and harmful things that may risk my relationship and cause my partner distress, rather than sort my own head out?

@wobblywinelover So. I'm very controlling because I check my partners messages 3 or 4 times a year?

Massive leap there!

Humans are imperfect creatures and if you don’t know and accept that you are a fool. I don’t for one second think that I could definitely determine whether someone will lie to me or cheat on me. Even the people I love. I accept that there is a risk to being in love and making a commitment to be together.

I don’t mitigate that risk by spying. Because I don’t want to be that person. I mitigate it by being self reliant and resilient. If it happens it happens. I will live with it. You shouldn’t be in a relationship if you can accept that the relationship could end.

@iwanttoridemybicycleiwant

Spot on. I am financially vulnerable and was housing vulnerable for a very long time, until recently.

That's why I feel insecure. I've realised it but it really helps to see it written out loud.

Thanks for the reasonable response 👍

If I suspected something, then yes I would start investigating.

Fortunately I have never suspected anything. If I had cause to suspect something three to four times a year, then surely the relationship is just not working.

You creep me out.

Because no matter what you think or who you are or who you think you are, you can't read other people's minds.

You don't have the right to know everything that goes on in a partners head. Everyone is entitled to private thoughts and safe spaces.

Of course if our partner was cheating, we would all want to know so we could make an informed decision.

But by actively spying on her a few times each year, you are showing you don't trust her and without trust there can't be a healthy relationship.

I've never cheated. I still would be so upset if my partner looked through my messages and emails etc. Because they are private and I have a right to my privacy. If he was genuinely worried I was cheating and genuinely thought I would lie if he asked me about it, so saw spying as his only option, I would end the relationship because there wouldn't be enough trust or communication for it to be healthy.

Can you not see how upsetting it would be for a partner, a person you're meant to trust, to rifle through your private communication on essentially a quarterly basis?

It's incredibly disrespectful and selfish. You're not entitled to rob her of privacy. She is entitled to private thoughts, feelings and safe spaces.

@LemonTT

Would you talk to a women the way you did, if it was a woman that said the same thing would you use the word fool.

It was a question that's all.

[quote Sasasaah]@LemonTT

Would you talk to a women the way you did, if it was a woman that said the same thing would you use the word fool.

It was a question that's all.[/quote]
Did you take in the rest of that post? It feels like you're nitpicking re a word you didn't like (which most posters would use regardless of the sex of an OP) instead of reading what is a very honest, measured and insightful post.

Fool is not a loaded sexist term. It's not abusive either. If your actions are foolish you can anticipate / expect to be called a fool.
You are not coming across well op.

@NoCureForLove

Fool was unnecessary that's all I'm saying. But let's leave that now.

Trust me. I've been on this board for 10 years now on and off and I know how differently men are treated to women.

Don't take me for a fool 😂

I'm not laughing. I was serious. Perhaps ask advice somewhere where you can't dismiss uncomfortable opinions as sexist?

[quote Sasasaah]@wobblywinelover So. I'm very controlling because I check my partners messages 3 or 4 times a year?

Massive leap there![/quote]
I think it's controlling too. If I found out someone was doing it to me they'd be out so fast their feet wouldn't touch the floor.

[quote Sasasaah]@wobblywinelover So. I'm very controlling because I check my partners messages 3 or 4 times a year?

Massive leap there![/quote]
Yes

@NoCureForLove

I'm going to ignore you now. There have been plenty of uncomfortable opinions for me so far, but reasonably expressed. Maybe think about how you talk to people.

@Aprilx

I suppose I exaggerate. I think I've just been feeling insecure and putting it all here has helped me realise. It's not every year but it's reared it's ugly head again. I think it happens every few years. As many have said I need to realise why I am feeling insecure and I think a few years ago it was about housing stability until I was put on the rental contract and now it's financial stability because income has dropped since Covid.