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Original poster

Spying

240 replies

Sasasaah · 09/12/2020 13:38

It's been done I'm sure but I'd love to know thoughts on spying on your partner.

Every now and then I check up on my partner. Maybe 3 or 4 times a year. My phone, computer, literally everything is accessible, has been for 14 years, her too.

Now don't get me wrong, because I know you're all going to jump on me, I only generally do this when I feel insecure and if she did it when she felt insecure, wouldn't mind. I have nothing to hide.

Personally if you come to MN, spying seems to be bad, spying seems to be a symptom of a bad relationship but Say otherwise, if it's all the time then something is wrong.

We all think we know each other but we REALLY don't. We all hide things but we all live in the hope that the things other people are hiding aren't big things like having an affair, bring a serial killer or having another family

Grin
OP posts:
NoCureForLove · 09/12/2020 14:27

I'm fine with the way I talk to people thanks.I havent expressed myself unreasonably. Neither have I given mixed messages about joking / being serious. I think you don't like people speaking plainly and directly. I am very happy to be ignored by you. I will however post as I wish.

peboh · 09/12/2020 14:29

Is this a bait post? You're really asking us to justify spying on your partner for you. That's not okay. If I found out my dh was doing this, he wouldn't be my dh anymore, wether it was once a year or once a week. I'm not hiding anything, and he can access my phone at any time if he feels the need to do it (for any reason other than using it if his isn't available) then we shouldn't be together because he doesn't trust me.

Original poster
Sasasaah · 09/12/2020 14:29

@NoCureForLove

Ok.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sasasaah · 09/12/2020 14:32

@peboh

JUST TO BE CLEAR. Not asking to justified.

It's an open ended question. If you had MASSIVE reasons to think your partner was cheating would it be okay then? Even if he said no 100% Would you end the relationship because you were unsure or would you spy?

By your logic, you would just end the relationship.

OP posts:
peboh · 09/12/2020 14:33

[quote Sasasaah]@peboh

JUST TO BE CLEAR. Not asking to justified.

It's an open ended question. If you had MASSIVE reasons to think your partner was cheating would it be okay then? Even if he said no 100% Would you end the relationship because you were unsure or would you spy?

By your logic, you would just end the relationship.[/quote]
No, even then not acceptable. If I genuinely believed my husband was cheating on me I'd speak to him, and if I truly had reasons to believe that then I no longer trust him so I wouldn't stay with him.

Tyredofallthis1 · 09/12/2020 14:34

If I found my partner doing this, I would leave.

1forAll74 · 09/12/2020 14:35

Spying on a partner is truly awful, but these days, it is easy to do with what is available for people to use to spy, if they are inclined to be insecure and don't trust another person.

NoCureForLove · 09/12/2020 14:36

But that is not the question you asked or your situation as you described it is it?

peppita · 09/12/2020 14:36

[quote Sasasaah]@NoCureForLove

I'm going to ignore you now. There have been plenty of uncomfortable opinions for me so far, but reasonably expressed. Maybe think about how you talk to people.[/quote]

You're only ignoring her because she's right.

Original poster
Sasasaah · 09/12/2020 14:36

@peboh

Don't believe you. Because again by your logic, because of MY OWN insecurities I should now leave my partner, because I truly believe she is cheating on me (I don't they are just my insecurities)

OP posts:
Original poster
Sasasaah · 09/12/2020 14:37

@peppita

Okay

OP posts:
peboh · 09/12/2020 14:38

[quote Sasasaah]@peboh

Don't believe you. Because again by your logic, because of MY OWN insecurities I should now leave my partner, because I truly believe she is cheating on me (I don't they are just my insecurities)
[/quote]
You don't have to believe me. You clearly have no issues with violating somebodies privacy. I do. I've had it done to me before, and for no apparent reason it made me feel sick. I would never do that to another person.

NoCureForLove · 09/12/2020 14:38

I think Lemon hit the nail on the head a while back. Grin

greenspacesoverthere · 09/12/2020 14:40

If you were doing something to sort out your insecurities, the spying might not be so bad. Because you'd be looking at ways of becoming whole and not needing to self soothe.

But you seem relatively sanguine about staying as you are and continuing to break a trust behind your partners back

So I think you're rather arrogant and controlling and there is no excuse for your continued spying

peboh · 09/12/2020 14:41

Also to add you've been with this person for 14 years, have you ever found anything on they're phone to validate your insecurities in your relationship? It doesn't make sense to me that you can have been with somebody for 14 years and have absolutely no trust in them.

DianaT1969 · 09/12/2020 14:42

OP, why don't you forget this thread and post something more productive on the employment board to get your income up or suggestions for supplementing it. Lots of knowledgeable people there. A better use of your time than this nonsense. You are basically saying "I only murder someone 3 times a year, I don't do it weekly, so I'm not that bad".
If my partner checked my phone and spied on me, I wouldn't like him at all - regardless of how frequently he planned to do it.
Get off MN and make your partner happy to be with you because of your actions and behaviour.

gannett · 09/12/2020 14:43

If you feel the need to spy on your partner the relationship may as well be dead. That applies whether they've given you ample cause or whether you have jealousy issues. If there's no trust it's not worth having.

DP and I have every opportunity to go through each other's phones and emails - laptops left open all over the house, we both know each other's passcodes and we both use each other's devices when it's more convenient. I've never done it and the reason is fundamentally that I have too much respect for him. And as far as I know, vice versa!

Anordinarymum · 09/12/2020 14:45

It's unhealthy

Original poster
Sasasaah · 09/12/2020 14:51

@NoCureForLove

I agree and it's how I feel too, but that doesn't stop me from being human.

@peboh

I think you are right. I don't have any problem with it, the ONLY reason being is that if my partner felt insecure and she needed to do it, I would rather she did it secretly to make herself feel better than be confronted all the time by her own insecurity. She and I have nothing to hide and deep down we both know that but every now and again insecurity pops up for me, maybe it does for her too. Actually I know it does but I have no idea if she has checked my phone....It's all unlocked .

OP posts:
BillMasen · 09/12/2020 14:52

The mistake you’ve made here is being open they you’re a man and your partner is a woman. Yeah you’re right some of the responses are harsher than they would be the other way round (you creep someone out? Really)

However

Whoever said you’re self soothing is correct. On here women are told all the time to trust their gut, snoop if they’re worried. You’re not worried, just habitually checking from time to time and that’s not healthy.

If you have a reason to worry, knock yourself out and check what you like, but if not, I think you need to restrain yourself.

Original poster
Sasasaah · 09/12/2020 14:53

If my partner wants to check my phone, computer, etc I have absolute no problem with it.

So if my partner does that. Is that spying. I haven't told her she can't do it, in fact I've told her she can and she's told me I can.

Is that spying, just because I didn't ask?

OP posts:
Original poster
Sasasaah · 09/12/2020 14:55

@BillMasen

Hence only every few years on the restraint...

OP posts:
Anordinarymum · 09/12/2020 14:56

[quote Sasasaah]@NoCureForLove

I agree and it's how I feel too, but that doesn't stop me from being human.

@peboh

I think you are right. I don't have any problem with it, the ONLY reason being is that if my partner felt insecure and she needed to do it, I would rather she did it secretly to make herself feel better than be confronted all the time by her own insecurity. She and I have nothing to hide and deep down we both know that but every now and again insecurity pops up for me, maybe it does for her too. Actually I know it does but I have no idea if she has checked my phone....It's all unlocked .

[/quote]
So you've got nothing to hide and that gives you the right to snoop into someone's private stuff? You are snidey if you don't tell her what you did but then again if you did she might just give you the old ' heave ho' and it would all be your own fault

gannett · 09/12/2020 14:57

[quote Sasasaah]@Aprilx

I suppose I exaggerate. I think I've just been feeling insecure and putting it all here has helped me realise. It's not every year but it's reared it's ugly head again. I think it happens every few years. As many have said I need to realise why I am feeling insecure and I think a few years ago it was about housing stability until I was put on the rental contract and now it's financial stability because income has dropped since Covid.[/quote]
You need to deal with your insecurity in a way that isn't a violation of your partner's privacy. See a therapist, see a GP - God forbid even communicate with your partner about your insecurities. Spying on them isn't the answer and shouldn't be justified to yourself.

Original poster
Sasasaah · 09/12/2020 14:59

@gannett

Yes

OP posts:
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