Spying

[Sasasaah]

It's been done I'm sure but I'd love to know thoughts on spying on your partner.

Every now and then I check up on my partner. Maybe 3 or 4 times a year. My phone, computer, literally everything is accessible, has been for 14 years, her too.

Now don't get me wrong, because I know you're all going to jump on me, I only generally do this when I feel insecure and if she did it when she felt insecure, wouldn't mind. I have nothing to hide.

Personally if you come to MN, spying seems to be bad, spying seems to be a symptom of a bad relationship but Say otherwise, if it's all the time then something is wrong.

We all think we know each other but we REALLY don't. We all hide things but we all live in the hope that the things other people are hiding aren't big things like having an affair, bring a serial killer or having another family

@CandyLeBonBon

Why didn't you just talk to him?

@ZolaGrey I've been rude to a couple of ppl who have been rude to me.

[quote Sasasaah]@CandyLeBonBon

Why didn't you just talk to him?[/quote]
Why aren't you talking to your partner about your insecurities instead of spying on her?

@CandyLeBonBon I think you miss my point.

Not at all. But you crack on with your odd and worrying behaviour!

I’m going to stick my head on the block here OP and say that this used to be me.

I was incredibly insecure, still am a bit truth be told, and I just couldn’t shake it in spite of being with my DH for nearly two decades and having two DC!

My turning point came last Christmas, when I checked DH phone after his Christmas night out and found a confirmation for an order for my favourite perfume which I knew must be my Christmas present, and it was - I suddenly thought “what the bloody hell are you doing sugarcoatit?!”

I never once found anything remotely interesting or red flag in all my time of checking and I’d feel awful afterwards.

I took a long hard look at myself.

I realised that my first boyfriend, in every sense of the word, had left a huge hangover from when he decided to go behind my back with one of my best friends - a double betrayal.

He wasn’t a patch on DH, and I’ve no feelings for him, but it obviously knocked me more than I realised and left a big scar.

DH is also very attractive, I’m pretty in my own non conventional way, but let’s just say I did very well for myself. (Although he’s always telling me how beautiful I am, and I like to think that I nail things personality wise!)

I always used to think he could be with someone way prettier than me, but what I came to realise and finally accept was - you know what? He chose ME.

I used to be a very confident person, life’s dealt me some knocks, and it’s easy to lose yourself along the way.

I came to realise my behaviour was self destructive and potentially destructive to our relationship and so I sucked it up and started to work on myself.

I’m still insecure, but I no longer try to self soothe by checking up on my DH.

I strongly urge you to stop this destructive behaviour and to sit down and take a good hard look at yourself, try and unpick your behaviour, see what’s driving it, and work on yourself and your self esteem.

You say you wouldn’t mind your partner checking on you, but you are just trying to justify your actions to yourself here - at the end of the day, it is a gross invasion of their privacy and a betrayal of the trust they’ve placed in you and the faith they have in your relationship. It is undermining your relationship and eroding your connection.

There are loads of great books out there, and CBT is great too.

I hope you can take this advice and empathy on board and move forward into more positive behaviours and better coping strategies.

Wishing you all the best.

@SugarCoatIt Thanks Sugar. I generally don't see myself as an insecure person but have come to realise that at times I am. I think I started this thread wrong and it's not 3 or 4 times a year but it is 3 or 4 times every certain years. It doesn't happen often but I've come to realise that it does rear its ugly head every now and then and Zi have to deal with it, but have/am realising I clearly haven't, otherwise I wouldn't be doing what I do.

I do stand by the fact that if my partner wanted to snoop on me, I would prefer that she did that Nd found out I was hiding nothing instead of projecting her insecurities on to me, but that is just me.

Mate you do come across as argumentative and rude tbh.

I’ve been here years. I get the bias against men but you have to roll with it, see it for what it is and take the good advice, leaving the rest.

Your original post was honest, you got some fair responses but then didn’t help yourself. Sorry

@BillMasen

I probably do. I've not been rude or at least I don't think I have been to people who have had an open mind. Other people I don't have the time for.

Open mind does not mean ppl who just agree with me - Before anyone jumps on that.

I've just wanted a discussion and I think I have discussed it with people who didn't want to just berate me.

@BillMasen What some see as argumentative, I see as a discussion.

You don't think you're been rude yet you've had posts deleted on your own thread

My post at 2.02 was (I thought) reasonable and measured. You didn't respond to it. I then pointed out that you picked up on one word of another persons post but not the rest of it. You didn't respond to that either.

Totally fine of course, your prerogative, but not helpful to only reply to posts you feel are attacking you instead of ones that would be helpful.

You did respond when you felt I attacked you though. With a message about her gmail, saying you have only snooped on her a few times over ten years... despite saying in your own initial post that it's 3-4 times a year.

You're defensive, backtracking and changing your story. That's not conducive to having a discussion, it means you want people to either agree with you or have an argument with you.

You're the one unhappy enough in a long term relationship that you feel the need to snoop every few months, so it might have been a better idea to post when you were ready to be honest about it and take peoples advice and thoughts on board.

Otherwise you're going to sabotage your relationship, potentially upset your partner greatly and continue to be an angry person.

Up to you really.

[quote Sasasaah]@BillMasen What some see as argumentative, I see as a discussion.[/quote]
Ahhhh, the old 'I tell it like it is' defence!

I've been busy working for a few hours. Can't believe people are still trying to engage you in a meaningful exchange. Yiu have show increasingly more of what yiu are actually like. I feel quite sorry for your partner. I hope she sees this thread and recognises your rather distinctive style / grammar .
Pp was extremely kind to call you a fool. I thonk you've revealed yiursel as more of an utter arse.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Apologies. There were quite a lot of replies coming through in the beginning so I could respond to every one and I was walking to pick up my kids from school at one point.

I just want to correct you though, I don't look every 3 to 4 months. It's actually not a frequent thing. I used 3 or 4 times a year to just give an example (regretting that now)

@NoCureForLove You haven't tried!

[quote Sasasaah]@youvegottenminuteslynn

Apologies. There were quite a lot of replies coming through in the beginning so I could respond to every one and I was walking to pick up my kids from school at one point.

I just want to correct you though, I don't look every 3 to 4 months. It's actually not a frequent thing. I used 3 or 4 times a year to just give an example (regretting that now) [/quote]
You aren't correcting me then, you're correcting yourself!

[quote Sasasaah]@youvegottenminuteslynn

Apologies. There were quite a lot of replies coming through in the beginning so I could respond to every one and I was walking to pick up my kids from school at one point.

I just want to correct you though, I don't look every 3 to 4 months. It's actually not a frequent thing. I used 3 or 4 times a year to just give an example (regretting that now) [/quote]
Why would you say that if it wasnt accurate? So why the backtracking now?

3-4 months equates to roughly 4 times a year. Make your mind up!

Op your getting a hard time because the majority of people feel that what you do is wrong. You keep saying you posted for a “discussion” but when something is clearly wrong there isn’t much to discuss. You said “it’s very black and white for people here”....well with this topic yes it is black and white. Spying regularly on your partner is wrong and is not part of a healthy relationship.

In response to people comments your story has adapted (either because you were mistaken or because you are trying to back track), you’ve got defensive and you still don’t really think there is a problem as the below comment from one of your post show!

‘I honestly don't believe that in a 10 year relationship, checking up on your partner occasionally, which is what I'm trying to say, is necessarily a bad thing.

You apparently came for a “discussion” and yet, despite multiple people telling you spying is clearly not acceptable, you still think it’s “not necessarily a bad thing” and seemingly haven’t changed your thoughts on the matter at all.

Honestly though the tone of your post suggest that you think your right and I doubt any comment is going to change your mind at all.

So what do you get out of your seedy little spying missions then OP? How does it serve you? Do you feel good about yourself afterwards or do you feel a bit sordid. What are you hoping to find? Why is she not allowed her own private thoughts? Would you read her diary?

@AIMD

If you look over my posts, you'll see I admit I am in the wrong and need to deal with my insecurity, but people can't be bothered to do that, they just want to jump on the bandwagon.

Even though I may be wrong, it would bother me if my partner did it, because I would rather she snooped to relieve her insecurity than place her insecurities into me. Because no matter how many times you might say 'There is nothing going on, I'm not cheating', a person will never believe you if they have it in their head you are because of their insecurities (I've been in the reverse of this)

So us snooping to relieve yourself if talking to the other person isn't going to do that?

@Sasasaah fair enough. Maybe I didn’t pay enough attention to where you admit you’re in the wrong. I’m glad you are aware it’s wrong, hopefully you can find another more appropriate way to manage insecurities.

I don’t think spying is a useful way to manage insecurities. If it was you would have only done it once and not repeatedly. Hopefully you manage to get to the route of why you feel insecure and need to spy. I can’t be a nice feeling. I have done it previously but it made me feel awful, didn’t help and was a sign that the relationship I was in really wasn’t healthy.

Perhaps you need therapy then because if you don't feel able to discuss your insecurities with your partner, there's something wrong.

@AIMD

Again, I've already said why I think I am insecure way down in the post, after having feedback from ppl who wanted to discuss instead of attack. Not having a go at you, just making a point of how people read and then attack.

@CandyLeBonBon I told her yesterday I've been having dreams where she cheats on me and we've also had conversations about how I'm feeling insecure at the moment. We/I have had snot of a hard time, I'm realising it and trying to deal with it and unfortunately this is one of the ways I do (Every now and then)

@CandyLeBonBon

So. Should I keep putting my insecurities on to her ALL the time, which I KNOW are irrational or should I just every 1,2,3 years just check up in her to relieve my anxiety and not bother her. Because no matter how much she reassures me, I won't believe her and then she spends hours and hours trying to convince me 🦊