Spying

[Sasasaah]

It's been done I'm sure but I'd love to know thoughts on spying on your partner.

Every now and then I check up on my partner. Maybe 3 or 4 times a year. My phone, computer, literally everything is accessible, has been for 14 years, her too.

Now don't get me wrong, because I know you're all going to jump on me, I only generally do this when I feel insecure and if she did it when she felt insecure, wouldn't mind. I have nothing to hide.

Personally if you come to MN, spying seems to be bad, spying seems to be a symptom of a bad relationship but Say otherwise, if it's all the time then something is wrong.

We all think we know each other but we REALLY don't. We all hide things but we all live in the hope that the things other people are hiding aren't big things like having an affair, bring a serial killer or having another family

The issue is thinking that insecurity absolves you. Where do you draw the line if your insecurity grows? The line of what is acceptable (and justified by you feeling of insecurity) might get lower and lower and other things creep in but it's ok because you're insecure and your partner wants you to feel good so they let it happen and you think that's them approving of your behaviour. It's a slippery slope.

What you are doing is a gross betrayal of trust and you need to stop this abusive behaviour now. Unless you have absolute permission from your partner, given without emotional or coercive duress then you have no right violate anyone's privacy like this. You not caring if she checks on yours still does not give you the right to do this.

So it's my own fault that my DH keeps spying on me because I am trying to reassure his insecurities?

By looking at my first husband's phone, I found out he was shagging my best mate. So, yeah, I can't get too worked up about looking if you think something is off.

Simonlebone (great username btw) it's me that is being spied on- if indeed Sasaah does happen to be my DH - if not then m situation is v similar.Unsure what to do next

@mayV thank you. Sorry to hear you are being spied on as it's never okay. If I were you I would take control and change every password you have, to something your partner would never think off. Tell your partner that you have done this, why you have done it and how there spying on you makes you feel. Sit down if with them if you can and let them know how it makes you feel and feel that the behaviour, regardless of how they justify it is unacceptable and will not be tolerated. Imagine if one of your children came to you (if you have any) and said their partner was doing the same... What would your advice be to them? This behaviour is not healthy.

@Mayv it's not your fault. Sorry, if that's how my post came across. I don't think it applies to all snooping but a situation where someone might appear to be willing to give their phone over (which could also be because of fear) etc as opposed to snooping covertly. I didn't make that clear. Sorry for once again.

Your husband should not be snooping on you. Have you discussed this with him? I hope you find a way forward.

Havent RTFT, but what do you hope to achieve?

@Pearlclutchersinc - unsure who u are asking what they hope to achieve? DP for spying or me for posting comment. What do you achieve from posting stuff on MN?

This thread is from December 2020 FYI! Not quite zombie but certainly gasping it's last!

@CandyLeBonBon was ACTUALLY replying to a question from 19/5!!! If you don't want anymore info on this thread then leave it. Some people join late and find the comments insightful- even if the original thread is 6 months old. Maybe their situation is much longer than 6 months and they have only just got the courage to ask for advice

@mayv, sorry havent been online for a bit. The post wasnt aimed at you and was probably in the wrong place.

Thinking back, it was what did the OP hope to achieve, if she found stuff she didnt like.

I do understand if you are in the relationship where you have very strong suspicions that your partner is cheating , you might want to spy on them . Living with those suspicions is really hard going , and will often lead to actions and behaviours that will cause the relationship to be non viable anyway. Some will say if you get to that point you need to leave anyway , some will say they need confirmation of an affair .
If you are doing it every few months , as your insecurities have had a chance to build up , obviously that’s wrong , but you understand that . If you want to go through her stuff , sit down , tell her how you’re feeling and if she wants to comfort you she can offer to show you her messages etc . Personally I wouldn’t let you look at mine , not because I’ve done anything wrong but it’s my private stuff . I too moan about my DH, don’t we all to various degrees lol . I moan , get it off my chest and move on .You say you will be happy for her to look through your stuff , ask her if you can look through hers . Let her decide for herself. You100% shouldn’t be doing anything behind her back , going through her FB , messages etc .

Zombie thread resurrected by a spam bot 😂 Not exactly targeted marketing