Spying

[Sasasaah]

It's been done I'm sure but I'd love to know thoughts on spying on your partner.

Every now and then I check up on my partner. Maybe 3 or 4 times a year. My phone, computer, literally everything is accessible, has been for 14 years, her too.

Now don't get me wrong, because I know you're all going to jump on me, I only generally do this when I feel insecure and if she did it when she felt insecure, wouldn't mind. I have nothing to hide.

Personally if you come to MN, spying seems to be bad, spying seems to be a symptom of a bad relationship but Say otherwise, if it's all the time then something is wrong.

We all think we know each other but we REALLY don't. We all hide things but we all live in the hope that the things other people are hiding aren't big things like having an affair, bring a serial killer or having another family

@AIMD

I posted it because I knew it would be a sore point and was hoping for discussion. I am not trying to justify it, I was looking for a variety of opinions.

From the first 10 or more posts that responded I realised exactly what MY problem is (actually even before)

Now it's fascinating to see the MN tribe jump on it with their usual angry, self loathing and hatred to something they really disagree with and are not open to discussion to.

You spy on your partner. You invade their privacy and deliberately ignore and transgress their boundaries. It's clearly not ok

How can people not judge behaviour that transgresses socially accepted,and valued,norms? Bizarre.

@Sasasaah

I'm going to come back here in 6 months and post a similar things as a woman.

See you then.

Thanks to everyone who was non judgemental of me.

It wouldn't make any difference to me whether you're a man or a woman. Violating your partner's privacy is unacceptable.

@TheHoneyBadger

Exactly. Socially acceptable NORMS.

@Sasasaah “I posted it because I knew it would be a sore point and was hoping for discussion”

So... what sort of discussion were you hoping for? A debate over the morality of such an action?
A gender specific critique of whether it is more “acceptable” for men or women to spy on their partner- or acceptable at all under certain circumstances such as personal insecurity? Or whether it is considered a commonly female trait?

I have a question for you- how do you think your partner would react were she to find out what you had been doing?

@Sasasaah

I'm going to come back here in 6 months and post a similar things as a woman.

See you then.

Thanks to everyone who was non judgemental of me.

Every time a woman posts saying they regularly check their partners texts and emails, the majority of people say that if she's already doing that the relationship is over.

When a woman says they have reason to believe their partner is cheating, many (including me) always still say the relationship is over so no point snooping and some say to snoop.

You're saying you have no reason to believe you're being cheated on, but check a few times a year anyway. It's baffling that you don't seem to get how serious an intrusion it is.

You seem to think that people flagging that it's worrying and controlling behaviour are attacking you but I'm not. I just feel you should know that it's worrying and controlling behaviour because you seem to think your entitled to know what's going through your partners mind (your words) but that isn't a normal or healthy thing to think.

[quote Sasasaah]@NoCureForLove

Fool was unnecessary that's all I'm saying. But let's leave that now.

Trust me. I've been on this board for 10 years now on and off and I know how differently men are treated to women.

Don't take me for a fool 😂[/quote]
Then you will know what this means

ODFOD

@Sasasaah

Perfectly put and I agree with you. I am self soothing at the moment, she has given me no reason at all. As I've said every now and then for reasons of my own / relationship issues / insecurity I check up on her 3 or 4 times a year.

Why?

Because no matter what you think or who you are or who you think you are, you can't read other people's minds.

It's more of a philosophical relationship question.

I'm going to guess behaviour this is projection and you're the one most likely to cheat. Am I right?

@youvegottenminuteslynn

No I don't. I'm trying to justify it to myself. I realise at the moment, after reading the responses, I'm insecure. I've also realised that on my own and days ago before posting this. I logged my computer out of my partners FB account and GMAIL account. Its just been logged in for years because we have shared the same computer, NOT that I'm checking her account or gave access to it if it isn't logged in. Over the last 10 years I may have checked it a few times.

I honestly don't believe that in a 10 year relationship, checking up on your partner occasionally, which is what I'm trying to say, is necessarily a bad thing.

But Noooooo

It's very black and white here for lots of people.

I WANTED a discussion that's all, but no, lo and behold it was more of an attack from most people.

@PixelatedLunchbox

Leaping again, with no real evidence.

I'm creepy and weird and should seek help and anything else I should get.

Yep.

I should know better than to post here.

You claim to have been on here for 10 years. One had to wonder why given the disdain you have for the forum and the people who’ve bothered to give up their time to reply to your stupid, creepy, weird thread.

[quote Sasasaah]@PixelatedLunchbox

Leaping again, with no real evidence. [/quote]
Aw come on admit it

@AnneLovesGilbert Because sometimes it's the only place to turn to and then when I do I am reminded how judgemental, hateful and hideous SOME people can be on here and NO that's not because people don't agree with me.

Its just been logged in for years because we have shared the same computer, NOT that I'm checking her account or gave access to it if it isn't logged in. Over the last 10 years I may have checked it a few times.

Doesn't really tally with

Every now and then I check up on my partner. Maybe 3 or 4 times a year.

If you're saying you don't check gmail regularly and the 3-4 times a year was about texts or something different, so what? You don't get brownie points for only snooping on one platform.

Your "but noooooooooo" isn't really helping you look less childish is it?

People have tried to help and suggest why you're behaving this way and why it's inappropriate but as someone who claims to have been on here for 10 years you seem astonishingly defensive considering you must have read many threads where people make it clear privacy is a right.

If you're this entitled and immature within your relationship then you're going to ruin it. Up to you really.

[quote Sasasaah]@AnneLovesGilbert Because sometimes it's the only place to turn to and then when I do I am reminded how judgemental, hateful and hideous SOME people can be on here and NO that's not because people don't agree with me.[/quote]
Pull the other one.

I honestly don't believe that in a 10 year relationship, checking up on your partner occasionally, which is what I'm trying to say, is necessarily a bad thing.

As this thread displays, most people think that is a bad thing.

And that doing it 2-3 times a year is even worse.

What a defensive person you are. I know it stems from insecurity but it might be worth thinking about how you come across to others rather than being surprised people aren't blindly agreeing it's ok to invade someone's privacy. The issue might be you...

I checked up on my exH and my exP because I suspected they were cheating. and I was right. I wasn't insecure. There was a tangible reason.

My current partner has given me no reason to think he is cheating on me and I trust him. Therefore I don't feel any need to check things out. As others have said, if you don't trust your partner so much do that you feel the need to snoop, then the relationship is dead in the water anyway, so continued snooping is either self destructive or controlling. Neither of which are attractive qualities in a partner.

If you are insecure it's your job to deal with that, in a healthy, mature way. Which does NOT include invading your partners privacy to check up on her when you say you have no reason to think she's been anything other than faithful and loyal

Because that's a bit fucked up.

[quote Sasasaah]@gannett Thank you for that

@ZolaGrey Jeeeesus. You contribute fuck all to this conversation. Get you're coat my dear 😂[/quote]

Bless you, this isn't a conversation. You're being a self indulgent whiny dickhead and people are calling you on it.

@CandyLeBonBon

What gave you the right. You didn't know that fact until you checked up on him. You've just proved my point.

Whether people believe me or not it doesn't matter. I forget my partners gmail is still logged in to my account / Facebook until Zi use the sane browsers as her on my computer which we both use. Sometimes Zi have to switch to chrome because Firefox isn't working and next thing I know I'm logged into her account...Gmail or Facebook and I simply log out. But you lot don't want to believe that and I'm snooping all the time whenever U get the chance.

What gave me the right? My ex syphoning money from clients into his pocket to fuel his affair.

I'm perfectly within my rights to check on him if he's embezzling company money.

[quote Sasasaah]@CandyLeBonBon

What gave you the right. You didn't know that fact until you checked up on him. You've just proved my point.

Whether people believe me or not it doesn't matter. I forget my partners gmail is still logged in to my account / Facebook until Zi use the sane browsers as her on my computer which we both use. Sometimes Zi have to switch to chrome because Firefox isn't working and next thing I know I'm logged into her account...Gmail or Facebook and I simply log out. But you lot don't want to believe that and I'm snooping all the time whenever U get the chance.

[/quote]
No, we believe you're snooping 3 - 4 times a year. Because you literally said this:

Every now and then I check up on my partner. Maybe 3 or 4 times a year.

So now you’re not spying on her, you’re accidentally using her accounts and logging out straight away?

I’m confused- what exactly are you doing when you’re logged in? Are you looking through private messages?

What are you looking for? Evidence she’s cheating?

@Sasasaah

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Literally nothing you've said here is constructive. Nothing.

You're 'spying' on your partner for some spurious reason and wanting other people to validate you for it, which isn't happening.

If you're as rude to her as you are to the people posting on here then she'd be well rid of you, for the spying and the dickheadery.