Spying

[Sasasaah]

It's been done I'm sure but I'd love to know thoughts on spying on your partner.

Every now and then I check up on my partner. Maybe 3 or 4 times a year. My phone, computer, literally everything is accessible, has been for 14 years, her too.

Now don't get me wrong, because I know you're all going to jump on me, I only generally do this when I feel insecure and if she did it when she felt insecure, wouldn't mind. I have nothing to hide.

Personally if you come to MN, spying seems to be bad, spying seems to be a symptom of a bad relationship but Say otherwise, if it's all the time then something is wrong.

We all think we know each other but we REALLY don't. We all hide things but we all live in the hope that the things other people are hiding aren't big things like having an affair, bring a serial killer or having another family

[quote Sasasaah]@CandyLeBonBon

So. Should I keep putting my insecurities on to her ALL the time, which I KNOW are irrational or should I just every 1,2,3 years just check up in her to relieve my anxiety and not bother her. Because no matter how much she reassures me, I won't believe her and then she spends hours and hours trying to convince me 🦊[/quote]
If this is your relationship dynamic and you don't believe her when you ask her directly then you need to break up. Seriously, this sounds more and more unhealthy and toxic.

Talking about things for hours and hours actually means you accusing her and / or her having to reassure you of her innocence. That's abusive. It's abusive to accuse someone of doing something over and over when you have no reason other than insecurity (or dreams?!) to base it on.

I feel really sorry for her even without the spying, it's so unfair to think so little of someone you frequently worry they are cheating on you but won't either accept their declaration of innocence or break up with them.

Your options as you see them are:

1. Put your insecurities on her "ALL the time"

1. Snoop

What about wildcard option 3: Work on your insecurities yourself so you can try to move past them, rather than relying on her reassuring you or you snooping on her?

@Sasasaah sorry I didn’t read through carefully and obviously missed some posts. you said your insecurity comes from housing insecurity/ financial insecurity yes? Why has housing and/or financial insecurity lead to you checking your partners private accounts? Is it because your worried your partner will leave and you’ll have no home or be financially unable again?Just trying to understand because it doesn’t seem to make sense....not that it has to, I realise these things aren’t always logical.

Acting on your insecurity isn’t the same as dealing with it managing your insecurity though, not in my opinion anyway. I see it kind of similar to something like someone with OCD about germs washing their hand repeatedly. Washing their hands might make them feel initially better and like they dealt with the issue short term but it’s not dealing with the crux of the problem: (probably a shit comparison).

How spying help you feel more secure?

[quote Sasasaah]@CandyLeBonBon

So. Should I keep putting my insecurities on to her ALL the time, which I KNOW are irrational or should I just every 1,2,3 years just check up in her to relieve my anxiety and not bother her. Because no matter how much she reassures me, I won't believe her and then she spends hours and hours trying to convince me 🦊[/quote]
No. Because that's a bizarre and utterly toxic way to conduct a relationship, it's not her responsibility to constantly soothe your fragile ego. That's your job. Stop expecting your partner to make you better. That's your job. Deal with your shit and give your partner a break. This is awful behaviour

Because no matter how much she reassures me, I won't believe her and then she spends hours and hours trying to convince me

This genuinely makes me feel so sad for your partner OP. It's so upsetting to be accused and not believed - let alone for hours on end. Please try to do something about your own insecurity as this is abusive behaviour towards your partner. It will be making her feel shit, lose confidence, be anxious, feel unsupported and confused.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Your options as you see them are:

1. Put your insecurities on her "ALL the time"

1. Snoop

What about wildcard option 3: Work on your insecurities yourself so you can try to move past them, rather than relying on her reassuring you or you snooping on her?

This.

Because no matter how much she reassures me, I won't believe her and then she spends hours and hours trying to convince me

That's fucking chilling.

There are women on here in pieces because their partners accuse them of being unfaithful and they try and they try and these pricks refuse to believe her and she ends up a shell of her former self, terrified to do anything to upset her Dp, because 'he loved her really, he's just insecure'.

This behaviour is classed as abuse. It might not be if you do it once. Or even twice. But to put your partner through this repeatedly is Abusive. It's emotional abuse.

Get some fucking therapy and stop snooping

@CandyLeBonBon

Okay, now I'm going to flip it. I've actually been talking about her, and all the things she's done to me. How insecure she is, whenever I've come home later than usual , she is angry with me and questions where I am and wants to know where I've been. Even though I've just got a little bit too drunk and wandered home later than Zi should have. She questions where I've been and doesn't trust me when I've given her an answer.

Hmmmm. So all along, this was a reverse?

@BeckyWithTheGoodHair5629456

Not at all. It's just for years she was insecure and now I'm insecure. We've taken turns on the insecurity.

We've also been together for a lot longer too but I just don't want to give too much away.

[quote Sasasaah]@BeckyWithTheGoodHair5629456

Not at all. It's just for years she was insecure and now I'm insecure. We've taken turns on the insecurity.

We've also been together for a lot longer too but I just don't want to give too much away.[/quote]
So now you're changing the story? I mean it seems very convenient now you've had people say how awful it is... but let's assume it's true - you're now saying she used to be abusive to you (questioning you for hours) and now you're controlling to her (by giving her no privacy)? Is that it? And you think people are going to say anything other than end this toxic relationship?!

If one partner is controlling and suspicious, their partner being those things too doesn't even things and make the behaviour ok - it just means both people are being controlling and toxic!

This. Is. Not. What. A. Healthy. Relationship. Looks. Like.

I hope there are no kids involved in all this.

You know healthy relationships are calm, loving, enjoyable, not anxiety inducing or suspicious?

Why do you think this is a relationship you should be in? Do you think it's healthy?

This is toxic regardless and you both should end it

JUST SPLIT UP! I’m exhausted just reading your posts (most of which are either infuriating, rude, contradictory, downright daft or a mixture of all 4. And it’s not gender related, it’s just how you come across).

Why are you still together? You don’t trust each other, you feed off your insecurities and the relationship does not sound healthy.

Get some therapy. Both of you. Please!

Have either of you ever done anything dodgy or found anything dodgy, the entirety of your relationship? If not, it's all in your heads, what a tiring place to be in. If you both have at some point, well there's you answer and neither of you have got over it.

I'd end my 20 year marriage in a heartbeat if I found out he was was spying and snooping through my messages and he knows it.

If his behaviour changed and I genuinely felt he was cheating I would speak to him. I'd mention the change in behaviour and why I think what I do and if he couldn't explain it or put put my mind at rest I won't keep accusing him and have him spend hours justifying himself to me and I wouldn't snoop on him to make myself feel better either. If you have anxiety or are insecure after 14 years then it's on you to get help for yourself. You don't say it's a choice between making her spend hours reassuring you because you think she's lying and you don't get to snoop through messages from friends and family behind her back. People saying it's controlling behaviour are correct. You can say you have nothing to hide so wouldn't mind someone checking up behind your back but it doesn't work like that. There's many valid reasons why someone doesn't want a spouse to see their private convos and it doesn't have to mean something is going on.

My best friend disclosed some sexual abuse she suffered at the hands of an older man when she was in her teens to me last year and because of lockdown we haven't physically seen each other so for a while some of her messages where about that. She'd be furious at my husband snooping through her private messages to me, if she wanted to tell him her private things then she'd include him in the convo.

My husband had cancer a few years ago and found discussing some things with me very difficult. He got a lot of support from other people with the same cancer via Macmillan forums. I was worried about him and even though we talked and cried a lot together, he found it easier to speak about somethings and gather his thoughts with people who've been through the same thing. I'd be a right twat if I went through his messages to other cancer patients. I'd be not only taking his right to privacy away, but other people's who are opening up to him. I've also had family go through through some pretty personal stuff we've talked about via message and I know they'd be furious with him for snooping through their messages to me too.

BTW it's not a good idea to keep your phone and devices unlocked, esp if you stay logged into stuff. If it gets stolen or lost and ends up in the wrong hands your personal data could be used for all sorts.

It wasn't that long ago a woman did actually post that she regularly snooped in her boyfriend and she was called much harsher things than fool.

Im not going to tell you you're a horrible person for snooping but I highly suggest that you read a book called the 6 pillars of self esteem. I totally understand that if she was cheating you want to find out and act before she can humiliate you. This is your low self esteem talking. People with low self esteem rationalise their behaviour as 'normal or ok' but its hurting you further whether you recognise it or not. Please read this book, it will help you work on yourself, you will feel free and not be held back by these insecure feelings in your relationship. I have just spent last 3 weeks in the best head space, just knowing myself better. Good luck OP.

The main question that puzzles me on some of these threads, and it's here too is if you suspect x is cheating ask them, yet on other threads where one partner has a gut feeling or something pops up on there partners phone, it's then suggested to discover or spy on there phone incase they delete or deny x so my question is why the difference in approach, why is one perspective to ask them straight out even though they could delete, yet other times it's spy and find everything out first ?

I don't feel the need to check, it's a beautiful feeling having that trust, sleeping easy.

I think that's an awful way to live, I think it's awful to snoop, a bit of privacy is nice - I do nothing wrong in my relationship but if my partner were to read my messages (although nothing at all bad) I'd feel really awful like I had nothing of my own..nothing to keep just for me.

It's actually rather gross.

Work on yourself or leave.

How long are you going to do this for? 90 yo and still checking her phone ?

I do this too

@Hawkins001 Exactly. People are saying that because I AM insecure, I should end the relationship. Great advice. I'll leave my partner and my kids because every now and then I feel insecure.

I think I would rather snoop and I would rather my partner snoop every now and then if she felt insecure. I have nothing to hide and neither does she.

People will say the above is me trying to justify things, it's not, it's just I have a different way of thinking / approach but Im wrong because people don't agree. I'm not saying other people are wrong, they just have a different opinion.

The same people calling me creepy have probably said on other threads

'Don't confront him, he will just lie and start to hide things, get evidence'

I'll summarise. Yes I understand snooping is wrong and it's my issue and my insecurities that pop up. I know what I said at the start and I'm not trying to change my story but over the many years I haven't snooped much at all in the grand scheme of things but I have done it when I have felt insecure, I know I am not going to find anything and my partner hasn't given me reason to (my issue).

People are saying if I need to snoop then leave the relationship, ridiculous.

I am completely fine if my partner wants to check my stuff if she is feeling insecure, I would rather she found out herself that I have nothing to hide than have anxiety about something / have to reassure her constantly about something at some point in time. If this was happening all the time it's not good or healthy, personally IMO maybe snooping a little is not 100% healthy but I don't think it's a black or white thing. Am I trying to justify it, not at all, it literally is my opinion that's all and the original post was also something that 1) I know I do and 2) To get different opinions.

I find some ppl massively judgemental / taking massive leaps when they are only given a snippet of someone's life.

If you're lucky enough to have no insecurities, lucky you. But remember you may think you have a happy relationship and you may be living with a paedophile, a serial killer, a person with another family or a serial cheater. I don't think you ever know a person and do you know what every now and then I'd prefer not to travel blindly through life. Healthy or unhealthy who the hell can say with 100% certainty. Just because we are told by ppl it's wrong.

I've just found out a girl who just got married after about a couple of months is getting divorced because her partner has been having serial affairs before and after the wedding. Maybe she should have snooped at random intervals.

Taking my issue out of all of this, it was just a question.

@dabbadabbadoooo Do what? Sorry not sure who you are replying too.

[quote Sasasaah]@CandyLeBonBon

Okay, now I'm going to flip it. I've actually been talking about her, and all the things she's done to me. How insecure she is, whenever I've come home later than usual , she is angry with me and questions where I am and wants to know where I've been. Even though I've just got a little bit too drunk and wandered home later than Zi should have. She questions where I've been and doesn't trust me when I've given her an answer.
[/quote]
Deflecting much?

I'd like opinions on the girl who found out her husband has been having serial affairs for years.

Should this person be dragged along for years, being cheated on, risking her own sexual health and applied the snooping is always wrong if you have no reason to snoop or at least everything seems completely fine.

OR

Should this person hold the belief that you can't trust people and in her case she couldn't, because people will lie and hide things (Fact of life) and aren't always trustworthy. If you think they are, more fool you. So every now and then, let's say once every few years just check up on them?

Mate. If your relationship is this toxic, then YES, you SHOULD end it. Your kids are receiving horrible messages about what a relationship looks like and if you think a pair of adults constantly giving each other a hard time because of their insecurities is a healthy relationship then you crack on. I hope you can afford therapy for you poor kids.

I just think you're being deliberately goady and obtuse.

Enjoy your misery.

@CandyLeBonBon Literally adds nothing to the discussion. Thanks