Spying

[Sasasaah]

It's been done I'm sure but I'd love to know thoughts on spying on your partner.

Every now and then I check up on my partner. Maybe 3 or 4 times a year. My phone, computer, literally everything is accessible, has been for 14 years, her too.

Now don't get me wrong, because I know you're all going to jump on me, I only generally do this when I feel insecure and if she did it when she felt insecure, wouldn't mind. I have nothing to hide.

Personally if you come to MN, spying seems to be bad, spying seems to be a symptom of a bad relationship but Say otherwise, if it's all the time then something is wrong.

We all think we know each other but we REALLY don't. We all hide things but we all live in the hope that the things other people are hiding aren't big things like having an affair, bring a serial killer or having another family

Dear god, I do hope his poor wife finds her way onto this thread and leaves post haste.

Although I must admit I do find myself experiencing schadenfreude when an abusive person tries to use the same tactics that work on their normal victim and then has the sudden realisation that they don't work on someone who hasn't already had their sanity slowly chipped away by gaslighting, control and emotional blackmail.

Now that OP has accidentally blown his attempt at "Ah-ha, this was actually a reverse!" I'm taking bets on the next tactic. I'll give odds of 5-1 on "Actually I'm a sociology student and this was an experiment" with an accumulator of "LOL it was all a joke and my mates think you're all hilarious shrill harpies" combined with a sudden "MN has removed this thread on the grounds that it's too identifying."

@CandyLeBonBon are you me? I've agreed with everything you've said. As for OP, what a twat you are! And your poor partner.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Don't worry, he's had two replies to me deleted for generally being obnoxious. Best outcome from this is that she leaves tbh.

[quote ZolaGrey]@youvegottenminuteslynn

Don't worry, he's had two replies to me deleted for generally being obnoxious. Best outcome from this is that she leaves tbh. [/quote]
I've found it quite amusing seeing OP be so baffled at people not blindly accepting an ever changing story or stroking the ego of a stranger behaving like a toddler having a tantrum. His other half must have the patience of a saint. Or she just can't be arsed to engage any more!

I used to do this ... definitely a form of self sooth. My partner has no problem with it, he knows my history and how badly I was hurt by lying. He always says I have nothing to hide and if it makes you feel better. It's now got to the stage that I don't do it anymore because I never find anything. I just needed a bit of time to repair. I hope you get to this stage

So people are supposed to know you don't actually mean what you say. So when you say you check on her four times a year people are supposed to assume to mean you hardly ever check on her.

And then when you say when you discuss your insecurities, you don't believe her when she reassured you and she tries to convince you for hours and hours so you'd rather just snoop, people are supposed to know you are actually making it up and you don't actually do that.

I've read your undeleted posts to my 15 year old daughter to show her what gaslighting looks like and advised if any partner thinks their insecurities trump her and her friends and families right to private conversations she should run for the fucking hills.

And because you keep saying you don't mean what you've said and that people shouldn't take what you say literally, then I'm gonna assume you don't have a literal partner to snoop on but live alone under a bridge with hairy hands instead.

[quote dotty12345]@CandyLeBonBon are you me? I've agreed with everything you've said. As for OP, what a twat you are! And your poor partner. [/quote]

That was a quality thread. My god. He said he thought her text from some bloke was weird, and he continues to think that to this day, even though his DP had tried to explain to him why it wasn't weird. I cannot imagine how crazy it would make me living with someone who doesn't believe in words having meanings, or who doesn't take the trouble to say the right words to mean what they intend. Godawlmity

Yep. GGF (that's a gaslighting goady fucker).

This was incredible. The wife deserves a bloody medal!

FYI OP www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4102807-checking-partners-phone

I vowed not to post again in response to this nonsense - but calling women "girls" is never a good sign is it really?

So basically you have no reason to check up on your partner? I checked my ex phone once in the 6 years we were together and that was because I was certain he was having an affair (which he was) . You’ve checked and not found anything so why would you continue to do this? You sound controlling. Get a grip 🙄

MN need to pin this post as it’s such a fine example of a a classic gaslighting abuser.

@Cockenspiel

MN need to pin this post as it’s such a fine example of a a classic gaslighting abuser.

I was thinking exactly the same

@Cockenspiel

MN need to pin this post as it’s such a fine example of a a classic gaslighting abuser.

Seconded.

Even when something is literally written in black and white, it's then denied, then when the proof is pointed out it becomes other people's fault for not knowing it wasn't literal!

It's funny because he's a stranger on the internet but it's the same dynamic that abusers use when gaslighting within a relationship as others have said.

The way they think someone challenging them is total audacity - that they must be confused or attacking rather than just pointing out a lie.

Must be exhausting being the perpetrator.

I would never spy and would end the relationship if I was spayed on. I’m willing to work on a partners insecurities but not by giving up my privacy.

@youvegottenminuteslynn totally! Probably even more exhausting for the one who are gaslighted (gaslit???)

But yes. This is textbook gaslighting. It should be used in academic papers around the world to get people to understand how shitty it is!

Observing the thread whilst it was unfolding was really quite something. OP was all over the place with convenient drip-feeds arriving on cue when certain points didn’t pan out.

This thread had a bit of everything from the abusers gaslight-by-numbers handbook tbh..

• Twisting all feedback into personal attacks / trying to appear as the victim.
• Name calling.
• Blatant lying about what just said.
• Multiple attempts to justify the same act (spying) by undermining the actual victim.

Lawdy!

Yes! A belated thank you to the op. A masterclass in manipulation, misogyny and gaslighting... 10/10.

Gaslighting Bingo - FULL HOUSE!

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Gaslighting Bingo - FULL HOUSE!

Although I must admit I do find myself experiencing schadenfreude when an abusive person tries to use the same tactics that work on their normal victim and then has the sudden realisation that they don't work on someone who hasn't already had their sanity slowly chipped away by gaslighting, control and emotional blackmail.

Brilliantly expressed, @EvenMoreFuriousVexation

This sounds so much like my DH- it's extraordinary, apart from the past about finances and housing (maybe that's a cover back story). I have always defended him to others about bring controlling. Only just starting to realise that he probably is but just is not aware of it. So I guess his concern genuinely does from caring as well as his insecurities.