Spying

[Sasasaah]

It's been done I'm sure but I'd love to know thoughts on spying on your partner.

Every now and then I check up on my partner. Maybe 3 or 4 times a year. My phone, computer, literally everything is accessible, has been for 14 years, her too.

Now don't get me wrong, because I know you're all going to jump on me, I only generally do this when I feel insecure and if she did it when she felt insecure, wouldn't mind. I have nothing to hide.

Personally if you come to MN, spying seems to be bad, spying seems to be a symptom of a bad relationship but Say otherwise, if it's all the time then something is wrong.

We all think we know each other but we REALLY don't. We all hide things but we all live in the hope that the things other people are hiding aren't big things like having an affair, bring a serial killer or having another family

@Sasasaah

Apologies for any bad grammar. I don't proof read.

Possibly the most annoying self absorbed thing I've read all day

I pity you. It’s not normal, healthy or desirable. It’s also indefensible and creepy. Get professional help for your issues, they don’t justify invading your partner’s privacy.

Well I think your mask is slipping a little there OP.

I'm going to come back here in 6 months and post a similar things as a woman.

See you then.

Thanks to everyone who was non judgemental of me.

I've never cheated and would always be happy if my husband accidentally saw my emails or my phone records however, I would find it a gross invasion of privacy if he went around snooping. I like to be able to offload to my friends about issues, such as him being a complete idiot sometimes, I don't want to be recorded, checked on or snooped about that, just as I'm more than happy if he wants to whinge about me to his friends and then come back to the marriage having got it all off his chest. You don't own my mind if you are in a relationship and the fact you are not honest with your partner about your snooping ways tells me you know she wouldn't like it.

As someone else said, direct your energies elsewhere, this is a destructive path that won't prevent her leaving you for someone else, in fact it makes it more likely if she found out.

I feel sad for you. If you have no reason to mistrust your partner it seems sad you’d need to check on them.

Have you spoke to them about your insecurities.

Spying as a one off I might understand, but as an ongoing regular thing? No that’s not ok. It invades their privacy and isn’t a nice thing to do to someone you supposedly love.

'your coat'
(sorry, irresistible)

OP, I don't think you really want straightforward answers, do you?
If you feel insecure TALK to your partner about it, don't spy on her.
It is unlikely she will respect for it when she finds out.

@Poppingnostopping

I think the problem with forums is we don't actually know the full story or the person.

To come on here with a question albeit a very loaded question and to be called a fool and creepy makes me and others not to want to come on here. I've noticed this for 10 or more years, it happens to women to but more do men.

Mumsnet tees are fucking judge, and, triggered, unhappy and just to a certain degree mad. There is no room for conversation only what they think and what they think is right.

I just wanted a conversation and from the decent replies that I did get I realise it is wrong, I realise it is my insecurities that I need to work on.

Not to mumsnetters though, I'm creepy and weird and should seek help and anything else I should get.

I should know better than to post here.

@AIMD

Why sad. Again isn't that judgemental, aren't we here to give support to people?

@52

No I don't. I just wanted a discussion

[quote Sasasaah]@AIMD

Why sad. Again isn't that judgemental, aren't we here to give support to people?[/quote]
I don’t think it’s judgemental. I certainly didn’t intend it that way. Though I understand why it might come across like that.

I find it sad because to me ‘spying’ signifies that someone in insecure in their relationship, lacks trust and or doesn’t respect the person they are with enough to not invade their privacy. To me that’s a sad state of affairs to live in.

Don't want to derail but... WTF is this "self soothing" crap popping up left, right and center on this forum? Please stop! Makes my teeth hurt this whiney, self-indulgent crap! Go suck your...... thumb!!!

Phew, feel a tad better now..

@willsa

Aaaaand breathe 🤣

Say it sister or brother...

You say you wouldn’t mind if she was checking up on you too- this does not make what you are doing okay.
Mutual respect makes a relationship work. Insecurity is awful, I get that, but it would be much healthier to have an open discussion with your partner than invade her privacy- and that is what you’re doing, let’s not pretend its anything else.

[quote Sasasaah]@willsa

Aaaaand breathe 🤣

Say it sister or brother...[/quote]
Leave it now. You are in danger of trolling your own silly pointless thread.

@Anordinarymum

You're right. Isn't it all just a little bit pointless.

@Sasasaah

I'm going to come back here in 6 months and post a similar things as a woman.

See you then.

Thanks to everyone who was non judgemental of me.

I don’t know if gender has anything to do with the responses. I can’t tell what your gender is from the first post. If anything I presumed you were a woman though, mainly because I have a perception that a majority of posters in the relationship forum would be women.

[quote Sasasaah]@LemonTT

Would you talk to a women the way you did, if it was a woman that said the same thing would you use the word fool.

It was a question that's all.[/quote]
Well yes I didn’t know you if you are a man. I assumed if anything you are most likely to be a woman.

I don't know why you think my response would be different to anything else you would post, my husband doesn't spy on me and I don't spy on him, although if something was left out and it caught my eye, I would ask him directly if anything looked strange or something seemed off, however given he's been where he said he'd be for the past 15 years at any time of day or night, is open about female friends who I all know and is a generally straightforward person, so this just doesn't come up on my radar. Both of us work away, both of us would have opportunities to cheat or live a secret life, I don't and I'm pretty sure he doesn't, I'm happy with not checking on him and I've never noticed him checking on me.

I don't know why you posted, you seem to think this is all about you being a man- so why did you mention being a man! If you'd asked the question neutrally, you would have known the replies.

Carry on if you want, we are just answering the question as you asked it in the OP which is you'd love to know our thoughts, we have shared them, take it or don't take it!

Oh so you spy on her AND rely on her financially. What a lucky gal.

I dont really know what you want from this post. Is it a declaration of your spying, be it out of insecurity or control; or are you asking if what you are doing is acceptable?
I am making the assumption you are male, forgive me if I am wrong. You are correct that we subconsciously see things slightly different if the poster is male or female as male privilege DOES make a difference.
Regardless, your posts comes across as creepy and goady.
Do you trust your partner and do you think she is cheating? Ask her. If you dont believe her leave, if you do stay but respect her right to dignified privacy.

I am pretty sure that most people on here whether they admit or deny have realised I am a man.

No honestly, I thought more likely a woman for the reason given earlier. It is only after this post that I am starting to believe you are a man. There are plenty of posts from people in same sex relationships.

You came here to talk about regularly spying on your partner. Regularly invading their privacy.

Are you surprised you received judgement?! Surely that was predictable? Or did you not realise that people would find the idea of spying on a partner so awful?

That’s a genuine question btw! Did you really not think that people would have something fairly strong to say about spying? Did you think it was maybe more acceptable than the responses to your post suggest?