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Original poster

DH extreme stress - acting like he’s drunk.

206 replies

Levithecat · 08/12/2020 21:21

I’m hoping someone can bring some perspective or insight.

DH was an alcoholic - secret drinker - I found out just over a year ago and it was awful. We nearly broke up. His excessive drinking started when our first child was born 7 years ago. He stopped when I found out and insists he hasn’t drunk since.

However, he occasionally (varies from twice a week to twice a month) has ‘episodes’ where he is stumbling, incoherent, not there. Can’t be trusted with the kids, argues with me. Basically drunk behaviour. He suffers from anxiety and stress (was off work for six months this year) and his GP and counsellor have decided that it’s some kind of dissociative state.

I am really struggling - part of me feels, if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s a fucking duck. However, we have had countless discussions, including me accusing him outright, and he insists it’s not alcohol (or anything else). He has been working hard on his mental health and is getting an assessment for dyslexia as I think this is a major factor in his anxiety, but clearly something else needs to happen. It’s got to the point that I’m considering leaving.

I’d love to know if anyone else has experienced anything like this? And if so, was it / how was it resolved?

OP posts:
BeakyWinder · 08/12/2020 21:25

Would he do a breathalyser?

What makes you stay with someone who is awful to be around so regularly?

Original poster
Levithecat · 08/12/2020 21:29

I have thought about a breathalyser, @BeakyWinder, but it feels so distrusting - if I really trusted him that little, why would I stay?

I stay with him because I want to believe it’s something beyond his control currently that he can sort out. But it’s got to breaking point.

OP posts:
Original poster
Levithecat · 08/12/2020 21:31

Also, breaking up with a home and two young kids is really tough, and I feel exhausted. And we do have a good relationship more broadly. And I love him.

OP posts:
MichelleScarn · 08/12/2020 21:32

How heavy was he drinking? Could it be a form of alcohol related brain damage? (A tad dramatic I know, sorry!)

Original poster
Levithecat · 08/12/2020 21:35

I’m not sure @MichelleScarn - I decided not to ask the extent of it when I found out, but it definitely wasn’t all day every day - he’d held down a job, I hadn’t noticed. But then I still feel so naive about alcoholism.

OP posts:
dudsville · 08/12/2020 21:36

I know it's horses for courses but if I were him with that history I'd understand you'd need proof.

Haggisfish · 08/12/2020 21:36

I’d be asking for breathalyser and if I was him I’d be happy to do it to show I wasn’t drinking. And I say that as someone who drinks too much.

Omeara · 08/12/2020 21:36

How did you find out before? In all honesty I would suspect driving as well.I would ask him to take a breathalyser too, it is mistrusting but he has given you reason.

When he has these 'episodes', does he remember them?

Haggisfish · 08/12/2020 21:36

If he is at all defensive, I’d be suspicious.

Omeara · 08/12/2020 21:37

Drinking, not driving!

Original poster
Levithecat · 08/12/2020 21:40

I think my issue is that he’s so insistent that he’s not drinking. I joined that last call with his GP and he said the same. I just can’t begin to imagine he’s a pathological liar. He’s distraught after these episodes, has been very open about his mental health and counselling etc. Trying anything he can to prevent them... If all the time he was actually drinking? I find that level of deception unthinkable.

OP posts:
Suzi888 · 08/12/2020 21:40

Have you looked at dry drunk syndrome OP, or PAWS.

DelphiniumBlue · 08/12/2020 21:40

Can you smell anything? You can usually smell if a person has been drinking. And have you checked any stash places for bottles? If he is drinking, you'll find evidence if you look hard enough, and check bank statements too.
If he's having these episodes and actually not drinking, there must be something seriously wrong, that needs urgent investigation.
Have his GP and counsellor told you it's a dissacoitative state, or is that he's told you they've said?
Sorry to say, I think your suspicions are probably right. Alchohlics don't give up drinking just like that.

berrygirlie · 08/12/2020 21:41

If his GP and counsellor both think it's a dissociative state, I wouldn't be breathalysing him. I know the temptation is there to check especially if it seems like he is drunk, but I wouldn't be going against their thoughts (especially if he's vulnerable at the moment).

Is there anything you could do that might help out his mental health? Is he on any medication for anxiety? Sorry this is so hard, OP. Flowers

peppita · 08/12/2020 21:41

@Levithecat

I think my issue is that he’s so insistent that he’s not drinking. I joined that last call with his GP and he said the same. I just can’t begin to imagine he’s a pathological liar. He’s distraught after these episodes, has been very open about his mental health and counselling etc. Trying anything he can to prevent them... If all the time he was actually drinking? I find that level of deception unthinkable.

I just feel like an alcoholic who manages to hide it so well is a pathological liar. But I have no experience of this. I'm sorry you're going through this.

Original poster
Levithecat · 08/12/2020 21:41

He isn’t defensive at all - seemed relieved when I found out and said his counsellor had been trying to get him to tell me for ages.

I’ll mull over getting a breathalyser. Thank you X

OP posts:
PammieDooveOrangeJoof · 08/12/2020 21:42

When you say he ‘was’ an alcoholic, he is still an alcoholic.
The fact it was secret drinking before all signs point to it being this again.
I think you should get in touch with al anon.

Christmaselfie · 08/12/2020 21:42

Of course he's still drinking. Alcoholics will go to any lengths to keep it hidden.

Haggisfish · 08/12/2020 21:42

If he’s so adamant it’s not alcohol, he would have no issue with a breathalyser is my feeling.

AtrociousCircumstance · 08/12/2020 21:43

A breathalyser is the best option. It doesn’t mean all trust is broken and the relationship is dead - it means alcohol is a dangerous drug and addiction to it can drive good people to deceive.

A breathalyser means you will know. And then you will know exactly what next steps are.

Personally from reading your OP I think it’s a duck. But there is a way to find out so don’t deny yourself that. Would he agree to it? If he’s so adamant it’s not him drinking he should be eager to reassure you.

Haggisfish · 08/12/2020 21:43

And then you would be able to confidently say to go and counsellor ‘we know it isn’t alcohol’

berrygirlie · 08/12/2020 21:44

Has the GP / counsellor witnessed him in person during these dissociative states?

Tinty · 08/12/2020 21:44

If he gave up drinking a year ago, have these episodes been going on since then or is it a more recent thing?

KittenCalledBob · 08/12/2020 21:44

Does it happen sometimes when you know for sure he hasn't had the opportunity to drink, eg he's been with you? Or is it always at a time when he could have been drinking?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/12/2020 21:45

What PammieDooveOrangeJoof wrote.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?.

Do you love this man or are you confusing that with codependency?.

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