DH extreme stress - acting like he’s drunk.

[Levithecat]

I’m hoping someone can bring some perspective or insight.

DH was an alcoholic - secret drinker - I found out just over a year ago and it was awful. We nearly broke up. His excessive drinking started when our first child was born 7 years ago. He stopped when I found out and insists he hasn’t drunk since.

However, he occasionally (varies from twice a week to twice a month) has ‘episodes’ where he is stumbling, incoherent, not there. Can’t be trusted with the kids, argues with me. Basically drunk behaviour. He suffers from anxiety and stress (was off work for six months this year) and his GP and counsellor have decided that it’s some kind of dissociative state.

I am really struggling - part of me feels, if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s a fucking duck. However, we have had countless discussions, including me accusing him outright, and he insists it’s not alcohol (or anything else). He has been working hard on his mental health and is getting an assessment for dyslexia as I think this is a major factor in his anxiety, but clearly something else needs to happen. It’s got to the point that I’m considering leaving.

I’d love to know if anyone else has experienced anything like this? And if so, was it / how was it resolved?

How do you know when an alcoholic is lying? Their lips move.

Sorry, OP, but I have lived this for over 30 years with my mum's husband (he is now in a care home with alcohol induced dementia). My mum would never believe he had fallen of the wagon, trusted him when he lied lied lied. It was like she was wearing a deliberate blindfold, she just refused to see it. The shaking hands, the moods, the nail varnish smell. Well, it couldn't be drink because he had stopped drinking. And I am afraid the GP was useless.

It is so obvious he is drinking, no breathalyser is necessary. Because he is an alcoholic. It is what they do.

You should breathalyse him when he’s like that, if for no other reason than to conclusively exclude alcohol as the cause of his symptoms and narrow down the diagnosis.

I suspect though that what you’ll discover is a big fat quacking duck.

Without going into too much detail I’ve seen EXACTLY this before .... It’s drinking.

His mental health is awful because he’s drinking. And stressed from lying

Could he be vaping weed oil ?

What about showing compassionate concern but insisting he goes to the GP for a full blood count including liver function. Say you suggest it for his own good. If he agrees then he might not show you the results but at least it is somewhere on some records and he might start to take it seriously for the sake of his own health.

Cause it might be other things - how old is he? It could be something cognitive (eg very early onset dementia) or just depression or maybe some kind of other developing condition (diabetes?? I dont know I am no medic but a blood test would at least be the start of the road and less confrontational than breathalyser.

Has he ever taken drugs (prescription or otherwise?)

Personally I'd get the breathalyzer with his agreement if possible

Those are some scary symptoms and - alcohol or no alcohol - he shouldn't be driving or looking after children when he's having an episode. If you can prove it's not alcohol induced I'd be wanting a neurological assessment, MRI etc. I think on the basis that he's the father of your children and this could potentially be something serious, if he can't advocate for himself you should try to within reason.

Really sorry you're going through this and hope you get some answers x

He stopped when I found out and insists he hasn’t drunk since.

This is the bit that isn't true. This never happened. Of course it never happened. Only people with little experience of addiction would believe this. It is a fairy tale which you believed because you imagine that you and your child matter more than the drink. You don't.

Try to re-evaluate your life from the premise that nothing changed since you 'found out'. Now understand that nothing will change in the future either.

Then you can decide what to do, before you get trapped dealing with his (alcohol-related) mental health issues.

@overnightangel

His mental health is awful because he’s drinking. And stressed from lying

Exactly my thinking.
It's sad to see how much he's gaslit you. You're making excuses for him, but it's obvious he's drinking again.
I'm sorry OP.

Diabetes can make you act as if you're drunk IME. (Or can it? It's difficult to know actually as the guy I knew was both an alcoholic and diabetic). But presumably if he's under the doctor, he'll have had those kind of investigations?

How much direct contact have you actually had with the counsellor and doctor, OP? Have you heard it straight from the horse's mouth, or through your partner?

God, this sounds so familiar! A friend’s husband hid his drinking for so long, claimed he was having anxiety attacks etc. Of course he was drinking. When he came round from sleeping, he was quite violent. It all came to light when my friend confronted him and took him to the go. She got him some pills that make you ill if you drink-Antabuse? Fortunately, the situation resolved, but he was a devious little fuck about it.

It’s been said already but alcoholics lie , lie , lie and then lie some more. My DB feigned illness many times to hide a relapse. I actually believed him a few times.
If he’s resistant to the breathalyser, that’ll tell you in itself.
I also work in mental health and would never suggest such extreme behaviour as dissociation without further investigations first. Have you actually heard them say that? If not I’d be dubious. If it’s not alcohol , then the GP should be referring him to for further investigations without a doubt!

Has he notified DVLA has the GP advised him too? Does he have any warning or symptoms beforehand? Has he been checked for TIA or referred for neurological assessment?

If my DH wasn’t drinking but stumbling and incoherent with no other explanation I would call an ambulance and I would be very concerned if he wasn’t referred for further tests.

On whose word have the professionals decided this, have they witnessed it, are they not concerned?

Those would be the questions I would be asking out loud, especially as it’s sometimes as often as twice a week.

Occam's Razor says he's drinking.

I think he’s drinking too. I also think if he’s not drinking he needs a bit more than “call 999 if he does XYZ”

OP it is entirely likely that he is still drinking.

However it is also possible that these are episodes of Wernickes encephalopathy. This is a condition caused by long term alcohol abuse. If so, he needs treatment, as it can be treated. However if it is WE and its left untreated, then it progresses to proper alcohol related dementia (Korsakoffs Syndrome). So identifying WE is really important.

Please read up on it and see if anything seems familiar. Your GP will also be aware of the condition.

Bessie “ If my DH wasn’t drinking but stumbling and incoherent with no other explanation I would call an ambulance and I would be very concerned if he wasn’t referred for further tests.”

Yes, I realise there are other health conditions that could cause it but that’s even more of a reason to call an ambulance.

Sorry I think I have crossed with a couple of posts along similar lines.

To say something balanced about your husband, who I am sure is wonderful in many ways despite his addiction. My dad is a bipolar alcoholic and was drinking up until I was 10, he has been sober 16 years and hasn't fallen off the wagon (except the bipolar medication wagon every once in a while). We are very close, I love him so much and am so grateful to have him in my life and to have my parents together, that being said, my mother probably should not have stayed with him back then and I'm sure that their issues during my early development affected my attachment styles etc. It definitely affected me and my mother did not deserve to go through what she went through to help get him here. But once he got there he was there and he hasn't wavered and we are all so proud of him. And there has never been a suspicion that he has because he's never given us a reason to suspect he might be drunk. So your husband isn't a lost cause addiction wise.

However, the degree to which he has been able to hide his drinking (from you) in the past is of huge concern. He hasn't built a foundation of trust and he's proven himself to be an able and ready liar. Are the GPs seeing him during his "drunk/dissociative" states? Or are they taking his word? Because his word is subject to his addiction and it benefits him to lie. My dad's brother is an alcoholic who hides his drinking and repeatedly relapses or never quit when he said he did. Your description of your husband reminds me more of him. :( Being in denial and enabling him to continue drinking will hurt him more than it will help him. If he was sober he would offer to do the breathalyzer.

The fact that you say his cognitive function isn't great...... that needs to be a real worry for anyone with alcoholism. That's a red flag right there.

Presumably the GP has ruled out a medical condition that causes people to act drunk? (diabetes, b12 deficiency to name just two).

If the relevant bloods have been taken, (and GP has told you that, not just him) I think you need to suggest a breathalyser. Present it as providing proof to the GP to then ask for further tests.

You need to do this for a reason. Because he has lied before. If he isn't lying, he will understand.

Sadly I agree that the most likely scenario is that he is drinking.
If he genuinely isn’t then he needs more medical intervention than he appears to be getting.

I think it's important to establish that alcoholics will always have alcohol problems, but they won't necessarily always be liars and drinkers. There is a possibility for recovery, and some of the responses on here convey otherwise which I don't think is beneficial.

OP, if you want to breathalyze him you should do it for your own sake. I would be advocating for testing and the like to be done by medical professionals (so the information is more likely to be correct and so you won't get as much blowback from him if you're not directly the one to catch him with alcohol in his system). Whether he himself is capable of recovery is another kettle of fish, but I wish you the best of luck and hope someone is taking care of you throughout all of this as well. x

I’d only believe the dissociative piece if he produced a negative blood alcohol test during these episodes. Has the GP and counsellor seen him during these episodes and if so has he been tested during these periods? If not, it wouldn’t be my first go to, I’d rule the alcohol out first. Alcoholics are proficient and convincing liars. They will put on a first class act and generally fooled most people. Your DH knows he successfully fooled you for several years, so confess, then keep fooling you because he knows he can.

Seriously, unless he tests negative during one of these periods assume he is lying.

Acorn, yes quite, I was thinking about know conditions such as epilepsy, where a person may be disoriented after a seizure but may not need an ambulance.