DH extreme stress - acting like he’s drunk.

[Levithecat]

I’m hoping someone can bring some perspective or insight.

DH was an alcoholic - secret drinker - I found out just over a year ago and it was awful. We nearly broke up. His excessive drinking started when our first child was born 7 years ago. He stopped when I found out and insists he hasn’t drunk since.

However, he occasionally (varies from twice a week to twice a month) has ‘episodes’ where he is stumbling, incoherent, not there. Can’t be trusted with the kids, argues with me. Basically drunk behaviour. He suffers from anxiety and stress (was off work for six months this year) and his GP and counsellor have decided that it’s some kind of dissociative state.

I am really struggling - part of me feels, if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s a fucking duck. However, we have had countless discussions, including me accusing him outright, and he insists it’s not alcohol (or anything else). He has been working hard on his mental health and is getting an assessment for dyslexia as I think this is a major factor in his anxiety, but clearly something else needs to happen. It’s got to the point that I’m considering leaving.

I’d love to know if anyone else has experienced anything like this? And if so, was it / how was it resolved?

@Suzi888 I haven’t - will look now.

Thank you @berrygirlie - that’s a really gentle response. He is on a high dose of meds, has weekly counselling and CBT. Very vulnerable at the moment.

@DelphiniumBlue - I did start looking, which I hate. His breath sometimes smells different but not of booze - he secretly vapes though, which may account for it. We’re working on that. Honestly though, I never noticed his breath before and he drank for five years... alcoholics can be incredibly devious in efforts to continue drinking.

I’ll buy a breathalyser!

This sounds so stressful OP - I really feel for you. My brother is a recovering alcoholic and an addict and he goes through phases where I'm convinced he's on something even though he insists he's not. The psychiatrist says it's psychosis, a leftover from the damage caused.

I hear you, @AttilaTheMeerkat. I am thinking about all of that.

@Levithecat

Also, breaking up with a home and two young kids is really tough, and I feel exhausted. And we do have a good relationship more broadly. And I love him.

I wonder how tough your kids are going to find life growing up with an alcoholic

It's a duck.

Thank you @BananaHammock23 - I appreciate it. It’s very hard to get the full picture over, and I have lots of conflicting feelings so helpful to hear alternative views.

I haven't been on your situation but I have some experience with alcoholics.

I'm really sorry, but never trust an alcoholic when they say they haven't been drinking. It's not that they have necessarily it's just that it could as easily be a lie as the truth. You cannot trust the word of an alcoholic.

If you're checking up on him, wondering, looking for booze, breathalysing him, all that, YOUR life has become about alcohol too. You are putting some of the responsibility for his drinking on yourself and that's unfair because he's not going to tell the truth about it.

I'm sorry and I'm not saying that to be harsh or horrible.

I'm not sure about patient confidentiality, but would there be any chance that you could speak to his counsellor about whether breathalysing him would be the right thing to do? Does he attend AA or any other support group?

I know everyone advocates for catching him out in case he's lying, but I'd be concerned that if he isn't lying it could be a potential trigger for relapse in relation to him feeling that he's not trusted (on top of all of the stress he's experiencing). Wouldn't at all be your fault of course, but it's a very sensitive subject and I'd be quite careful especially if there are children involved. There needs to be a line drawn between keeping you and your children safe and still acknowledging that it's a disease and relapse isn't always a personal failure.

Massive to you, I hope you're keeping yourself well on top of looking after everyone else. You're very strong x

So sad and so difficult for you.

But hidden in plain sight sadly seems quite likely.

When you are trying to support someone it feels very difficult to challenge behaviour.

You say he secretly vapes, how do you know he isn't using thc in his vape or smoking weed?

This would be a deal breaker for me. The trust has gone.

Just say to him I want to help you it’s a one off, just snow me you’re not drunk and see if he does it or refuses. I’d assume a vigorous refusal ans he’s pissed.

He's drinking.

My husband also has a history of past alcohol abuse and long-term, serious mental health issues. There was a time when he would have long periods of sobriety followed by lapses. He would always swear blind that he wasn't drinking. He was. Every. Single. Time.

I am afraid to say that medical professionals are easily fooled by occasional drunks who have other MH issues, especially if they are intelligent and don't find it difficult to talk about about themselves. Often the MH problems are real, but coexist with and are exacerbated by the drinking.

Take it from me: the throw away breathalysers are best. You don't need to spend a lot of money. Get a pack of 20 from Amazon.

Ime alcoholics lie and are very convincing.
And when they are sober you trust them and believe what they say like you would others. So to be lied to is odd iyswim. But it's all part of the disease.

Yeah obviously, @Littleposh - if I didn’t think he was in recovery then all of that would be besides the point.

I’m confused.

So for 6 years he hid his drinking from you - he lied to you and stole your family money, he opted out of his responsibilities as a father and husband in favour of alcohol.

So he’s an expert at lies and deception.

You say he was an alcoholic, so dependent mentally and probably physically, yet he stopped overnight as soon as you found out.

Surely you know that doesn't happen ?

But now you regularly see the signs that he’s drunk. Yet you know he’s not drinking because you don't think he’s a liar. The man who lied to you for 7 years. The alcoholic who stopped overnight with no ill effects.

I’m sorry but you are in complete denial if you think you can trust a word that comes out his mouth. Addicts lie. They lie all the time. They will say anything to get around you and to their drug of choice.

As he has seen his GP, she will have ruled out any undiagnosed medical a conditions that could be causing this, such as diabetes. So yes it may indeed be one of the many psychiatric conditions that are linked with alcoholism.

Or he might just be drunk. If he’s drinking less now then his tolerance will be reduced.

Have you been to al Anon ? I think you’d find it helpful.

Have you considered that he may be having TIA's? How long do these episodes last?

Phew, I wasn’t really expecting much response. I’m really grateful - but I just need to process some of this. @ThePlantsitter, you’re spot on and I got a lot of support when I found out about the drinking - the overriding thing was not to try and control it, but look after myself. That’s why I haven’t considered things like a breathalyser before, just that I will leave if I think he’s drinking again.

@Levithecat the Alcosense breathalysers go right up to £250, but this one is £50 and you can use it over and over. I’ve got an older version of it and it’ll certainly prove whether he’s consumed alcohol when he has these episodes. Don’t tell him you’re buying it - bring it out when he’s actually in that state. It’ll put your mind at rest and he’s clear of alcohol then you know it’s something else. www.halfords.com/motoring/car-accessories/breathalysers/alcosense-lite-2-alcohol-breathalyser-216838.html

Does he drink at all, any more? How long do the episodes last and is his behaviour normal the rest of the time? Has the GP considered alcoholic dementia? Done tests, scans etc? Ruled out seizures? Referred to a specialist?

Thanks to @C0NNIE and others who have suggested al anon. I did speak to people last year - think it’s time to do that again.

Why is he "secretly" vaping?

I used to smoke, I understand nicotine addiction and how hard it is to quit, I really struggled. But if he can't admit to vaping I'd assume he's lying about the drink too. He's not a little boy and vaping just doesn't seem worth keeping secret.

He likes his addiction and he likes his lies and secrets.

I have a relative dating an alcoholic and it's like watching them banging their head off a wall.

His GP asked lots of questions about other symptoms, then said he felt it was psychological, possibly a dissociative state. He hasn’t referred or suggested anything else, aside from calling 999 if there are certain symptoms.

@Levithecat

Yeah obviously, *@Littleposh* - if I didn’t think he was in recovery then all of that would be besides the point.

He isn't in recovery. He is lying to you and worse, putting you all in danger if he is driving and trying to be in charge of kids. If it helps, you can see the deception as a symptom of the illness (which it is), it's not aimed at you. I agree you can't regularly breathalyse him or you set yourself up in an untenable role, but you need to do it at least once, because clearly you're not ready to move until you have more proof.

He's an alcoholic, he's drinking again and you need to live apart. Maybe there's a chance to get back together, when he's ready to be honest and sober, but clearly now is not that.time.

Does he have an AA sponsor or similar he could contact, or you could?
In any case, you should 100% go to an Al-Anon meeting, online or in person depending where you are - you will.find many people there who have been where you are and can support you.

Are you aware of the FAST symptoms OP? Some strokes can be psychological in nature but should still be treated, in the first incidences as a stroke. Does he have any stroke risk factors?

@Christmaselfie

Of course he's still drinking. Alcoholics will go to any lengths to keep it hidden.

I was about to say exactly that.

An alcoholic is never and EX alcoholic either.