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Original poster

DH extreme stress - acting like he’s drunk.

206 replies

Levithecat · 08/12/2020 21:21

I’m hoping someone can bring some perspective or insight.

DH was an alcoholic - secret drinker - I found out just over a year ago and it was awful. We nearly broke up. His excessive drinking started when our first child was born 7 years ago. He stopped when I found out and insists he hasn’t drunk since.

However, he occasionally (varies from twice a week to twice a month) has ‘episodes’ where he is stumbling, incoherent, not there. Can’t be trusted with the kids, argues with me. Basically drunk behaviour. He suffers from anxiety and stress (was off work for six months this year) and his GP and counsellor have decided that it’s some kind of dissociative state.

I am really struggling - part of me feels, if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s a fucking duck. However, we have had countless discussions, including me accusing him outright, and he insists it’s not alcohol (or anything else). He has been working hard on his mental health and is getting an assessment for dyslexia as I think this is a major factor in his anxiety, but clearly something else needs to happen. It’s got to the point that I’m considering leaving.

I’d love to know if anyone else has experienced anything like this? And if so, was it / how was it resolved?

OP posts:
Sunnysideup999 · 08/12/2020 22:08

Did you hear his GP say that? Or is that your partner conveying what the go said.
I think your right to be suspicious.

OverTheRubicon · 08/12/2020 22:08

@C0NNIE has so many good points.

How did you find out he was a secret alcoholic the first time? It is a long time for him to hide it from you, and as pp says, pretty much unheard of for a serious drinker to quit overnight, especially for someone else.

AcornAutumn · 08/12/2020 22:08

He might be drunk

But it might also be drugs

Much easier to hide. Sorry. I would ask him outright again. It’s just so unlikely that he would behave like he’s off his face unless he’s off his face.

FrenchBoule · 08/12/2020 22:09

OP,addicts will lie,lie and lie about their addiction. They will even swear on their children’s lives that they no longer take drugs or drink. All is lie,lie,lie.

Their primary relationship is with the substance they are addicted to and all they can think about is how to get their next fix.

You can’t stop your husband from drinking,he needs to stop himself.

Could you please contact the GP and ask for the consultation? Even just for yourself to find out what the options are.

The symptoms you’ve described might be also caused by over the counter meds (paracetamol) consumed in large quantities.
If he’s had a drink surely you’d smell it in his breath? Paracetamol overdose causes long term damage to kidneys and liver, urine absolutely stinks after expelling it.

About your kids- please consider how their life will be affected. Better to have 1 functioning parent than dysfunctional family setting.
You are an adult and you have choices,your kids have not.

Wishing you all the best 💐

LividLoves · 08/12/2020 22:09

I’m so sorry but he’s drinking.

My ex-h was an alcoholic and when you desperately want to believe someone when they swear they’re sober I understand how hard it is.

He even had me believing that he had “weird reactions” to paracetamol and that was what explained his glazed eyes and slurry words.

When I finally discovered he was drinking again, I found literally hundreds of empty bottles hidden round the house with no idea how I’d not seen them before. It was like I was living in a weird trance alongside him.

He died aged 39, after swearing he wasn’t drinking any more. The reality was he “broke out” of hospital with liver failure to go buy cheap booze.

I had divorced him by then, and while it was incredibly, incredibly hard, the relief of not being gaslit or having to question myself all the time was immeasurable.

Buy the breathalysers just because you’ll need evidence for yourself. There’ll be reasons why he won’t do them, or he’ll find some medical freak explanation like he metabolises Pepsi into ethanol or something.

DryRoastPeanut · 08/12/2020 22:10

I’m diabetic, if my sugar levels get too high (as they did when I was undiagnosed and newly diagnosed) I acted drunk.
Get him checked for diabetes.

My DH can still tell if I start going high. Just saying.

AcornAutumn · 08/12/2020 22:12

Also, have you noticed him drinking coffee during one of these spells?

It’s bloody hard to get sleeping pills these days, but I hear recreational users find it “fun” to take sleepers with coffee in the day.

The stumbling around used to happen to me when I took a sleeping pill and it didn’t work. I didn’t just not sleep, I hate lying in bed awake so used to potter around the flat and try to do stuff and fail. So I would think “oh I’ll tidy up” but I’d be picking stuff up, looking at it in a confused way, then setting it down.

TheDaydreamBelievers · 08/12/2020 22:12

Possibilities (not mutually exclusive):

Still using alcohol
Post-acute withdrawal syndrome
Alcohol related brain damage
Dissociation
Epileptic seizure
Other neurological events (TIA for example)

Hangingover · 08/12/2020 22:13

Sounds a bit like a fugue state. Happened to my DP during his divorce. Scary stuff.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 08/12/2020 22:13

@MichelleScarn

How heavy was he drinking? Could it be a form of alcohol related brain damage? (A tad dramatic I know, sorry!)
Not dramatic at all. Alcoholics can develop a drink-related form of early dementia. It does, literally, rot your brain.
SVRT19674 · 08/12/2020 22:14

My husband has bad anxiety he very often gets out of bed and can hardly walk, he has fallen on his face right in front of me, out stone cold. But then, he has never drunk, so in your case, if he is innocent he will be the first to want to prove it, so breathliserit is. If he says no, you have your answer.

berrygirlie · 08/12/2020 22:14

Yes, I think there's every chance he is back to drinking but it's not the only option. Is there the capacity to get any testing done at the doctor's OP, in case there's an underlying issue that causes him to behave this way?

Mistigri · 08/12/2020 22:14

But it might also be drugs

Alcohol is a drug. But there's a reasonable chance given his MH issues/anxiety that he's also abusing prescription drugs. That can result in very intoxicated behaviour after relatively small amounts of alcohol.

marly11 · 08/12/2020 22:17

Could you have a shared agreement with him and the doctor that when you find him in this state he will be taken straight to A and E or emergency dr and they can then 'identify what is wrong'. Presumably then they would tell you it I alcohol or drugs if it is. It appears a reasonable and 'caring' solution but it would also remove the checks from you and over to medics. Or maybe if you did that they would take him off elsewhere and then not tell you the outcome?

Littleposh · 08/12/2020 22:18

@Levithecat

Yeah obviously, *@Littleposh* - if I didn’t think he was in recovery then all of that would be besides the point.
You don't think he's in recovery, though, or you wouldn't be here, asking this
JoinTheMicrodots · 08/12/2020 22:19

@Levithecat And don’t take too much notice of the posters insisting that of course he’s lying and drinking, when they know nothing about him or you. As far as MN is concerned, no one with a drink problem ever conquers it.

Be alert to the possibility that he’s drinking, obviously, and watch closely how he reacts when you produce the breathalyser. A tantrum and refusal to do it, or taking big breaths beforehand to lower the reading would be big red flags.

GameSetMatch · 08/12/2020 22:20

Is he on medication? If I don’t take one of my medications I’m like a drunk, giggling, ticking etc.

missbipolar · 08/12/2020 22:20

He's drinking again it's pretty obvious. I wouldn't bother with a breathalyser, skilled alcoholics know how to fake the home ones so will only give you false hope.

Wolfiefan · 08/12/2020 22:21

He was a lying addict.
He’s secretly vaping?
So he’s still a lying addict.
At the root of this you don’t trust him

Standrewsschool · 08/12/2020 22:21

@DryRoastPeanut

I’m diabetic, if my sugar levels get too high (as they did when I was undiagnosed and newly diagnosed) I acted drunk. Get him checked for diabetes.

My DH can still tell if I start going high. Just saying.

I was going to suggest diabetes as well. Has your doctor done any blood tests to check this?
Original poster
Levithecat · 08/12/2020 22:22

I am reading all the replies, and very grateful for them. His mental health isn’t great and these episodes happen generally when he’s not doing absolutely all of the things he needs to do to stay well (so all the self care, not just meds etc). And especially when work is tough. His cognitive function isn’t great - but I think that’s partly his dyslexia, which I think impacts his working memory, and stress/anxiety.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 08/12/2020 22:25

You’re not responsible for keeping him well though. That’s his job.
If there are kids seeing all this then that’s bloody hard on them.

Goldensnitchy · 08/12/2020 22:26

I would also need to breathalyse during one of these episodes at least, surely he would be able to understand that after years and years of deceit

category12 · 08/12/2020 22:27

Have you heard directly from his counsellor and doctor that it's a disassociative state or is it what he has passed on?

Esse321 · 08/12/2020 22:27

Did he have some kind of trauma in childhood OP?