DH extreme stress - acting like he’s drunk.

[Levithecat]

I’m hoping someone can bring some perspective or insight.

DH was an alcoholic - secret drinker - I found out just over a year ago and it was awful. We nearly broke up. His excessive drinking started when our first child was born 7 years ago. He stopped when I found out and insists he hasn’t drunk since.

However, he occasionally (varies from twice a week to twice a month) has ‘episodes’ where he is stumbling, incoherent, not there. Can’t be trusted with the kids, argues with me. Basically drunk behaviour. He suffers from anxiety and stress (was off work for six months this year) and his GP and counsellor have decided that it’s some kind of dissociative state.

I am really struggling - part of me feels, if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s a fucking duck. However, we have had countless discussions, including me accusing him outright, and he insists it’s not alcohol (or anything else). He has been working hard on his mental health and is getting an assessment for dyslexia as I think this is a major factor in his anxiety, but clearly something else needs to happen. It’s got to the point that I’m considering leaving.

I’d love to know if anyone else has experienced anything like this? And if so, was it / how was it resolved?

Someone I know was acting like this it turned out it was when they either missed their (AD) medication, increased it or drank with it, even a small amount of alcohol with this AD made them act a bit like they had dementia.

Could he be messing around with his meds? Meds interacting with each other or something else? (Some herbal tablets react badly with ADs)

He's lying, and he is quite simply drunk. Sorry

berrygirlie thank you, six months and counting

@rosie1959

Alcoholics can be trusted my family trust me without reservation I haven't touched alcohol for many years. I have been around hundreds of alcoholics in my time and must admit have never heard of anyone suffering episodes like you described.

Same here. Sadly some opinions towards alcoholics (don't use the term myself for exactly this reason) will never let someone who's has a drink problem move on. All this am 'alcoholic is never an EX alcoholic they'll always lie lie lie' I'm trusted. I'm married. I have two beautiful children. I'm a bloody good mother. My kids are excelling socially, academically and personally. I've got a career that's progressing (although that's very much down on my priorities compared to my family) I'm used as a confidante by friends and relatives. My elderly aunt tells me often 'I can always trust you to keep my secrets savoury senorita' I have thriving and deep friendships and give good advice based on my wisdom of some of the hell I dragged myself through whilst drinking. I stopped because I bloody well didn't have another relapse in me. I needed to stop or I'd fuck up my life (very nearly did that) and die. I detested aa and therapies weren't for me. So I stopped on my own (citalopram was a fantastic adjunct) so yeh ya know what. Some of us ex alkies can be trusted.

Surely the GP can only decide this could be dissociative behaviour after ruling out other pathologies? Has he been referred for blood tests, scans or other specialist?

I would imagine that a diagnosis of dissociation would be that of a clinical expert rather than a GP.

Many illnesses are diagnosed by ruling out other causes. Ruling out alcohol seems a rather basic beginning. You carried on this relationship on the basis of him stopping drinking so it’s not unreasonable to ask him to prove that when, on balance, he is behaving as if drunk.

Best wishes and I hope this resolves as easily as possible.

I am an alcoholic. I am mostly dry..but once in a while i slip. My husband knows IMMEDIATELY. First sign is the slurring ,, my husband can always smell it too...even if it was vodka that they say does not smell

Yep @Savourysenorita, 100% agree with you. Those in the depths of alcohol problems may be susceptible to lying and relapses (note: may), but there is a light at the end of the tunnel and saying the equivalent of "alcoholics never recover" just provides a reason for people to never seek rehabilitation.
(Side note: congratulations on your recovery!)

My. Opinion on your dh Is he's secretly drinking. It's hellish for you and trust me he'll be in his own personal kind of hell. You have no obligation to support him. He has to want to stop. Perhaps gently tell him that you 'know' and its time to face it. If he's not willing to engage you have to prioritise you and your children. If he is willing to engage then fantastic. It won't be Easy and not every drinker is capable ofimg term sobriety. It's a very individual path what works in recovery. Plenty of Facebook sober groups-- different to aa. Might be worth a look

Savourysenorita so good to hear, I hope I'm where you are in a few years time

and i don't agree that it is not possible to give up all alcohol very rapidly.

Admittedly this lady did a LOT of research before she got there but if you subscribed to and read her books you will see that after her research - one day she "just did" cold turkey overnight.

(PS - however I do believe once an alcoholic always an alcoholic and from what ive seen it is nigh on impossible to revert to "normal" drinking once you are one. And I also agree that after giving up alcohol people often "replace" it with something else - some things relatively healthy (sweets/fizzy drinks/put on lots of weight etc - some not so healthy eg smoking - but it is just the dophamine replacement of choice)

For what it's worth my partner has anxiety attacks that manifest kind of like he's drunk. He is categorically sober at the time, and will be completely fine then starts a conversation about work that makes him stressed, he will then start rambling and repetitive, become clumsy etc. He is aware of what he is doing and has various techniques to try and stop them and after 30 mins or so can get himself back on track. But if you saw one in isolation and didn't know what was happening you may well think he was drunk.

It's unclear from your PPs how long these episodes last and if you know for certain that he hasn't had a drink or taken anything.

He may well be drinking, or it may be something else at play.

ref the above I meant to link

thisnakedmind.com/annie-grace/

I think you dont want to believe he is secretly drinking again. But it's the most obvious explanation. Alcoholics have their booze wall. They will do anything to protect it. He is ill. But you need to put yourself and your kids first.

@Levithecat

I think my issue is that he’s so insistent that he’s not drinking. I joined that last call with his GP and he said the same. I just can’t begin to imagine he’s a pathological liar. He’s distraught after these episodes, has been very open about his mental health and counselling etc. Trying anything he can to prevent them... If all the time he was actually drinking? I find that level of deception unthinkable.

Sadly addicts and alcoholics do lie..And are extremely good at '`Denial''. If he acts drunk, Maybe it is valium/xanax? I know an alcoholic, {Supposedly sober} and he sometimes is like this...but I can't smell alcohol on him. Tranquillizers are like a drink in a pill, so say.

Truth is the only way. Truth as a family, truth with himself. No lies.
It 'Can' be done. Best of luck.

@berrygirlie

Yep *@Savourysenorita, 100% agree with you. Those in the depths of alcohol problems may be susceptible to lying and relapses (note: may*), but there is a light at the end of the tunnel and saying the equivalent of "alcoholics never recover" just provides a reason for people to never seek rehabilitation. (Side note: congratulations on your recovery!)

Thank you very much you're absolutely right - that whilst In active alcohol addiction of course we lie. The sheer desperation of needing (yes, needing) another drink before the profuse sweating and gut wrenching paranoia anxiety and suicidal feelings kick in. If you just get a drink it'll stop. That's the logic in an addicts head. So you'd move mountains just to feel 'normal' instead of suicidal. So lying is essential. Of course the whole suicidal thing is caused by alcohol in the first place but until someone is fully out of it the 'acute' bit makes you do crazy things. But.... Fully recovered (yes I'm recovered not recovering) I trust ill never drink again because I don't Want to die. Which I will if I start drinking again. So anyway... Yes fully recovered the person doesn't act that way. We're normal! (ish ) so all the 'addict' behaviour has gone. It doesn't stay with you forever!!!

If he told you he though you were drunk, and presented you with a breathalyser, what would you do?

Has he had medical investigations yet?

Having dealt with years of a close relative battling with alcohol addiction, I would have no problem with asking him for tangible proof that he wasn't drunk. The need to protect my children would over-ride any obligation for me be pleasant and show I "trusted" him if I were in your shoes. I'm not sure I could actually trust him.

Either way, I hope you soon get to the bottom of this for both your sakes

Whatever is going on, this is a very challenging home life for your children. The endless lies for a start.

@Hangingover

Savourysenorita so good to hear, I hope I'm where you are in a few years time

Thank you 😊🙏 oh I thank my lucky stars every day believe me. I'm so so grateful for wonderful simple sober existence. Coming out of being an alky is like being caught in 'saw' (if you ever watched the films) one big hellish nightmare that you yourself have put yourself in but are absolutely stuck in and being sober (after a while) is liking waking up in spring in a field of dewy grass with little yellow flowers and little chicks sitting in your shoulder shit still happens believe you me. Life is life. But that's easier than dealing with the nightmares drink brings. Life can be dealt with sober. But not drunk. You will be where I am. You want to be. That really Is the key. All the very very best (ps I probably sound like a raging hippy ) I'm not I promise!

I fully agree with you and your recovery is incredibly impressive, @Savourysenorita! "Addicts never recover / change" is a bit of a convoluted message in my opinion - addicts may never have a healthy relationship with whatever they are addicted to, but it is possible to reach a point of escaping the active stages of addiction where you don't need any kind of relationship with your addiction of choice.

Quite a tricky thing to describe, but I'd feel awful if people with addiction issues read this thread and think there's no point in recovery because they'll always be liars / addicts / untrustworthy etc. It's simply not true. x

How long does an episode of his last? Is he totally compos mentis afterwards?

Substance abusers can and do change.
It can take years, but if one really is genuinely sick of it...Change is always possible.
NA/AA help many, but others give up under own steam.

It must be especially hard for ex alcoholics over Christmas/New Year.

OP the breathalyser is a good idea. I can see why it worries you as you say it shows that you don’t trust him, but you also say the drinking is a 7 year secret and he secretly vapes. So he is a liar and can’t be trusted for that very reason. He will probably continue to lie about these activities not all the time but possibly on and off forever. You’ll personally have a lot that you need to process and work through yourself in regards to how his behaviour is affecting and will continue to affect your relationship in the long term. Do not give him blind trust as you will be shocked and hurt when it is constantly broken. Start with the breathalyser.

@berrygirlie

I fully agree with you and your recovery is incredibly impressive, *@Savourysenorita! "Addicts never recover / change" is a bit of a convoluted message in my opinion - addicts may never have a healthy relationship with whatever they are addicted to, but it is possible to reach a point of escaping the active stages of addiction where you don't need* any kind of relationship with your addiction of choice.

Quite a tricky thing to describe, but I'd feel awful if people with addiction issues read this thread and think there's no point in recovery because they'll always be liars / addicts / untrustworthy etc. It's simply not true. x

Thank you for being so supportive. It's a lovely bit of positivity. I think you're right as in that the 'you will never recover' message isnt healthy. It's misinterpreted. I am fully recovered. But I will never so long as I live be able to drink again because I don't bloody trust myself. Hell I don't want to drink - why on earth would I? It very nearly killed me. I was certainly dead inside already. Anyway thank you for your bright and positive posts.

I just can’t begin to imagine he’s a pathological liar.

But he lied pathologically to you for at least 7 years whilst he was secretly drinking which was less than a year ago.

If this were me and I was 100% sober trying to convince my wife, Dr, counsellor etc that these were not drunk episodes - I would be the one buying the breathalysers in desperation to prove my innocence to others - do you think that this has not crossed his mind?