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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

arsie husband !!

241 replies

seag · 08/12/2020 12:32

First post-Just need to vent,all a bit petty but here goes....husband and I rarely go a shopping trip together.maybe once a year if your lucky!!He picked today as the day that suited him best.Planned to go first thing this morning-going for a new bed and mattress.Plan was to leave at 8 so we would be in shop first thing and hopefully it would be quiet.He is very grumpy in the mornings but always thinks his mood is justified.As a family we just try and ignore it or make light of it as it wears off within an hour or so.First thing he said to me when we woke was that I wouldn't be ready to leave at 8- no reason for this just goading me....i was ready at 7:50.Asked him if he'd like a cuppa before we head off-he said no ,as he had already made himself one in his flask.Charming! So i didn't bother and said lets head off.In the car he started ruffling through my stuff on the back seat and said anyone with a brain wouldn't leave the manual on the seat -it should be in the glove compartment and why did i have this or that.I just put radio on and let him have his rant and didn't rise to it.We had to swing by his office to drop something off,and as we left I asked him if i should take the left or right at the junction(there is lots of new building at his office and new road set ups,so although I know the area there have been a lot of recent changes).He said "FFS are you stupid,you should know where your going."Again i asked if he could just tell me but no," he's not the one driving "so I took the left turn and again he said "FFS who goes this way".I had enough at this point,-just no reason to speak to me like this and pulled over and asked why he couldn't just be civil-if i'm asking for assistance why cant he just give it.He says,"brush your teeth before you speak to me"(i had brushed my teeth)"your fucking driving ,you should have planned your route".That comment was the final straw for me and I said "forget the trip as you are clearly in a foul mood and cant speak in a civil manner to me,I can either drop you at your office or take you home so you can collect your own car."He said I was cutting my nose off to spite myself (perhaps ,but didn't seem like it was going to be much fun).So we drove home in silence and when we got back he said that it was a terrible shame that I had ruined the morning.I said very calmly that I wasn't willing to continue being spoken to in the way that he had been and he replied,"oh poor you,you are such a victim" and left.
Aaaaah I feel better already!!! Just sick of his moods and him speaking to me like this.I had woken feeling pretty good and was looking forward to our little trip out!

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 08/12/2020 12:36

Why are you with this abusive arsehole? What a miserable life you must have.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/12/2020 12:39

seag

These are all examples of emotional abuse from him towards you and in turn your DC who will also pick up on all the vibes here.

And you are with your H now because...?. He does not treat his work colleagues or people in the outside world like this does he?.

dabbadabbadoooo · 08/12/2020 12:41

Wow what a bully of a man ! Brush your teeth comment was the final straw for me too ! Really ! We used to say that to each other in primary school 😂 kick him out you want too horrid twat as he is

Plussizejumpsuit · 08/12/2020 12:43

God he's fucking awful. So is he just like this in the morning? Either way this isn't acceptable.

madcatladyforever · 08/12/2020 12:43

I wouldn't waste my life on a knob like that.

PurpleDaisies · 08/12/2020 12:44

Have you heard from him since he left? He seems horrible.

PrincessNutNutRoast · 08/12/2020 12:46

What is the point of him?

MaizeBlouse · 08/12/2020 12:46

He sounds awful OP. Would you ever speak to him this way? Of course not! Seriously, LTB. For yourself and for your kids.

DongDingBells · 08/12/2020 12:49

"unreasonable behaviour".

anotherdisaster · 08/12/2020 12:49

Vile man, why are you still with him? Does he treat your children like this too.

BronwenFrideswide · 08/12/2020 12:51

What an awful, demeaning, dispiriting way to live. Seriously, OP, on your deathbed are you going to look back and think "Oh yes, I was right to spend the best years of my life with an abusive, miserable arsehole, tip-toeing around his moods, making allowances for him"?

peppita · 08/12/2020 12:51

He sounds horrible. I couldn't be with someone like this.

Anordinarymum · 08/12/2020 12:51

Life should not be like this. I wonder if he speaks to anyone else like that

LivingMyBestLife2020 · 08/12/2020 12:54

My exH had awful mood swings. That is why he is my Ex Husband

FamBae · 08/12/2020 13:06

My exH had awful mood swings. That is why he is my Ex Husband

This!

youvegottenminuteslynn · 08/12/2020 13:08

What a miserable relationship. Why are you with someone so horrible? He isn't arsey, he's a cunt.

Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with him? I can't imagine much worse than being berated and treated like shit on the way to buy a new bed to sleep in together every night.

I would rather have a single bed and be single than stay with someone like him.

Opentooffers · 08/12/2020 13:08

If his idea, how was it he didn't do the driving, to his own place of work, and use his own car? I kind of think it looks very like he was setting this situation up to fail. What an odd life he leads, where a trip to the shop requires a flask of coffee, does he take his passport too?
Mood swings? I'd smell the coffee - there could be a snifter of something stronger in there, seriously, I think it could be why he needed the flask and has bad morning moods, until he's satisfied his alcohol needs. Be wary, could have a secret drinker on your hands which would explain why he is so out of control in the mornings.

Newjobnewslob · 08/12/2020 13:09

He sounds like a nasty bully who thinks very little of you.

Sorry if you came here for a lighthearted rant OP, but this is not the way a loving partner should behave. Either he changes (which I can't imagine he will, from the above this sounds ingrained in him) or I'd strongly suggest kicking him out.

He'll be teaching your children that this is the way to behave / be treated by their partners, so subjecting them to a life of shitty behaviour too

seag · 08/12/2020 13:12

Im with him because he is overall really kind,loving and really hardworking.He's a great father to our children,very hands on,we generally get on well and have a lot of laughs.Its just when he is in a mood he can be horrible but it usually passes quite quickly.If i had managed to just ignore his comments this morning we would have probrably ended up having a good time but i just cant always ignore what he says.

OP posts:
EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 08/12/2020 13:14

I also thought secret drinker, or possibly weed or coke.

"I said very calmly that I wasn't willing to continue being spoken to in the way that he had been"

It sounds like he regularly speaks to you like this - where are the consequences for his unacceptable behaviour?

I really hope your kids weren't in the car 🙁

youvegottenminuteslynn · 08/12/2020 13:16

@seag

Im with him because he is overall really kind,loving and really hardworking.He's a great father to our children,very hands on,we generally get on well and have a lot of laughs.Its just when he is in a mood he can be horrible but it usually passes quite quickly.If i had managed to just ignore his comments this morning we would have probrably ended up having a good time but i just cant always ignore what he says.
So he's ok as long as he's in a good mood and you modify your behaviour (keeping quiet, not reacting etc) to placate him?

That isn't a normal healthy relationship, I'm not sure you understand how far from healthy your relationship is.

He tried to set you up to fail from the start, saying you wouldn't be ready on time so you felt you had to get ready earlier to prove you could, he made himself a drink not you, he critiqued you on the manual, your lack of knowing the directions, he called you stupid, he implied your teeth were dirty...

He's a bully. Can you not see that?

Sakurami · 08/12/2020 13:17

So he's in a mood everytime he doesn't like something? And the reason he isn't in a mood more often is because you avoid things that may put him in a mood?

What you've described is absolutely awful. I don't like football for example, but if my OH really wanted me to go and I agreed, I would put a smile on my face and enjoy it. Because when you're with someone you love you sometimes do stuff for them, to make them happy, even if it's not your thing.

And it's a little shopping. Not like he had to endure a 2 week holiday somewhere he didnt want to go.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 08/12/2020 13:20

Just sick of his moods and him speaking to me like this.

You say he's kind a loving most of the time. Firstly, I doubt that's true. And secondly, him behaving like this at all (even rarely) is unhealthy and unacceptable. I think it's clear from your comment here that this does happen frequently - you are sick of it, rightly so.

But people have pointed out how abusive it is so you are backtracking and minimising how bad his behaviour is - he has trained you to do this to keep the peace. He's made you modify your day to day behaviour to keep him sweet, taught you to not react and to keep quiet even when he is bullying you and he's taught you that if you point out you are the victim, you are 'playing' the victim.

You're married to an arsehole and bully.

PurpleDaisies · 08/12/2020 13:21

.If i had managed to just ignore his comments this morning we would have probrably ended up having a good time but i just cant always ignore what he says.

This isn’t your fault. This is all him.

Aquamarine1029 · 08/12/2020 13:22

So you have to ignore his horrendous behaviour in order to keep the peace? Is this really how you think healthy relationships work? Sadly, this is what you're teaching your children, that they are responsible for managing someone else's abusive behaviour. A "great father" would never ever treat the mother of his children like this.