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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

arsie husband !!

241 replies

seag · 08/12/2020 12:32

First post-Just need to vent,all a bit petty but here goes....husband and I rarely go a shopping trip together.maybe once a year if your lucky!!He picked today as the day that suited him best.Planned to go first thing this morning-going for a new bed and mattress.Plan was to leave at 8 so we would be in shop first thing and hopefully it would be quiet.He is very grumpy in the mornings but always thinks his mood is justified.As a family we just try and ignore it or make light of it as it wears off within an hour or so.First thing he said to me when we woke was that I wouldn't be ready to leave at 8- no reason for this just goading me....i was ready at 7:50.Asked him if he'd like a cuppa before we head off-he said no ,as he had already made himself one in his flask.Charming! So i didn't bother and said lets head off.In the car he started ruffling through my stuff on the back seat and said anyone with a brain wouldn't leave the manual on the seat -it should be in the glove compartment and why did i have this or that.I just put radio on and let him have his rant and didn't rise to it.We had to swing by his office to drop something off,and as we left I asked him if i should take the left or right at the junction(there is lots of new building at his office and new road set ups,so although I know the area there have been a lot of recent changes).He said "FFS are you stupid,you should know where your going."Again i asked if he could just tell me but no," he's not the one driving "so I took the left turn and again he said "FFS who goes this way".I had enough at this point,-just no reason to speak to me like this and pulled over and asked why he couldn't just be civil-if i'm asking for assistance why cant he just give it.He says,"brush your teeth before you speak to me"(i had brushed my teeth)"your fucking driving ,you should have planned your route".That comment was the final straw for me and I said "forget the trip as you are clearly in a foul mood and cant speak in a civil manner to me,I can either drop you at your office or take you home so you can collect your own car."He said I was cutting my nose off to spite myself (perhaps ,but didn't seem like it was going to be much fun).So we drove home in silence and when we got back he said that it was a terrible shame that I had ruined the morning.I said very calmly that I wasn't willing to continue being spoken to in the way that he had been and he replied,"oh poor you,you are such a victim" and left.
Aaaaah I feel better already!!! Just sick of his moods and him speaking to me like this.I had woken feeling pretty good and was looking forward to our little trip out!

OP posts:
Rainyday26 · 10/12/2020 12:43

When I saw your post I immediately thought of this which I saw on my fb timeline a few days ago.

arsie husband !!
RandomMess · 10/12/2020 13:02

Just sending you hugs and Thanks, no-one deserves to be treated the way you have been.

thosetalesofunexpected · 10/12/2020 13:14

Hi Op
Your husband is susposed to loving kind cherish not take your granted belittle humiliate,put your down and make you feel like Rubbish....

You are so used to being treated like rubbish, that you even think his attitude is Normal.

Its not Acceptable Op.!

(He will not Change for you it is too ingrained emotionally for him.

Get a divorce
I felt upset for you on your behalf and I am just stranger to you. Not a friend you know.

seag · 10/12/2020 13:14

Again thanks to all of you for responding.I am in a bit of a mess tbh.I have no doubts we need to take some time apart,(i wont leave the children) and maybe use the time apart to seek some counselling and time to think about how to move forward.I will update when I can
Thank you lovely people

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/12/2020 13:15

Abuse like you describe too thrives on secrecy; time to bust this wide open now. You've already started that process by writing about him on here.

Abusers are often quite plausible to those in the outside world so it is of no real surprise that your family and friends like him. They also do not know him like you do however and I would think that one or two of them have their own private based suspicions about him.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/12/2020 13:18

If counselling is to be at all considered DO NOT undergo any form of joint counselling. That is also never recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship and besides which you are not safe enough emotionally to undertake any such joint sessions. He will merely manipulate the counsellor just as readily as you yourself have been manipulated by him to thinking its all your fault he is like this towards you.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Did your dad treat your mother like you are?.

Whatamesssss · 10/12/2020 15:09

[quote seag]@youvegottenminuteslynn
I feel you are absolutely right.He definitely feels our sex drives are not compatible and I just feel guilty about it constantly.We have spoken about it periodically and he voices how unhappy he feels about it-ideally we would be at least once a day for him.For me,if there were no kids probably 2-3 times a week but there are kids,so sometimes its once a week ,sometimes once a month.He has said many times before when I've challenged him about his moods that this is the root of his anger.I now see that if this causes him this much anger then we probrably shouldnt be together[/quote]
How can that be the root of his anger if it started when he was a teen? It is an excuse. Maybe he needs an Anger Management course.

If he is only like this first thing in the morning, could it be a low blood sugar issue? My DH (and my Dad) are both grumpy in the morning until they have had something to eat. If we are doing any project together, I make him eat something first to stop the angry outbursts.

Please don't be too quick to LTB. Clearly there are issues that need to be worked on first.

Wishing you luck Flowers

Weirdfan · 10/12/2020 18:52

The root of this is that he sees sex as something he does to you rather than with you and as something you 'owe' him (simply because you're his wife) and therefore are withholding when you don't want to do it. I don't know whether that's a mindset that can be changed and he would have to see it as a problem and want to change it himself before there would be half a chance but I don't see how anything else can change without a fundamental shift in his thinking about sex.

As for the morning rage thing there could be any number of excuses reasons why he does it but they're his issues to solve and in the meantime you have a right to expect him to find a way not to abuse you while he figures it out.

You need to figure out a way to draw your line in the sand and show him you're serious if you're not ready to walk away. In your position I think I'd be speaking to a solicitor and presenting your H with a divorce case all ready to proceed with if he doesn't sort himself out, if you can't leave it's the only bargaining chip I can think of but you have to be prepared to go through with it.

seag · 10/12/2020 19:34

@Weirdfan

The root of this is that he sees sex as something he does to you rather than with you and as something you 'owe' him (simply because you're his wife) and therefore are withholding when you don't want to do it. I don't know whether that's a mindset that can be changed and he would have to see it as a problem and want to change it himself before there would be half a chance but I don't see how anything else can change without a fundamental shift in his thinking about sex.

As for the morning rage thing there could be any number of excuses reasons why he does it but they're his issues to solve and in the meantime you have a right to expect him to find a way not to abuse you while he figures it out.

You need to figure out a way to draw your line in the sand and show him you're serious if you're not ready to walk away. In your position I think I'd be speaking to a solicitor and presenting your H with a divorce case all ready to proceed with if he doesn't sort himself out, if you can't leave it's the only bargaining chip I can think of but you have to be prepared to go through with it.

We have had a long discussion this evening.He says he just wants closeness with me and feels I reject him all the time.I feel if i do cuddle him in bed he takes it as a sign.I don't think he sees sex as something he does to me-I know he wants me to be happy and to enjoy it ,which i do when Im in the mood.Im just not in the mood enough for him.I think it is important that we can find compromises somehow that we are both comfortable with.However I tried to explain that even if he feels like this he just cannot continue with his rages and outbursts.He agreed that he really needs to sort it out.We also agreed that period of seperation may be good for both of us and allow us both space .Im not moving out right now as no where to go so we have decided that we will plan it for the new year,maybe for a month and see how we feel after that.We are going to investigate marriage guidance counselling as we both agreed that our goal is to save the relationship if possible.Its all exhausting,i just want to drink wine and watch some rubbish on tv
OP posts:
Gobbycop · 10/12/2020 20:10

Total cunt based on your first post.

Him not you.

There's much better out there.

smartiecake · 10/12/2020 21:59

Well its obvious that its him that needs to move out for a month. And stay away

smartiecake · 10/12/2020 22:05

What you said about him ruining your holiday and you being on edge all week because of his moods is awful. Imagine a whole month of no moods, no walking on eggshells or dreading him coming home. As long as he does give you space and stays away

Dappledsunlight · 10/12/2020 22:35

It made me quite anxious just reading this. He takes out his bad moods on you.

Opentooffers · 10/12/2020 22:58

Just a thought, it's all very well saying he has a higher libido, but does he really, naturally? I'm remembering back years ago before my son was born where we went for a holiday to Amsterdam. A fair amount of weed was smoked at times and it does increase your libido - especially for my son's dad ( spontaneous, boners while walking down the street lol). So yes, if he's smoking in the evening, just before bed every night, that will be the reason he wants it every night. It's not him as such, it's the weed, that is your problem, that is his addiction. It's an artificial libido induced by the drug. He needs to cut down on it, now he's getting older, it will start affecting his health and appearance, smoking is never a wise move, with or without weed. About time he adopted a healthier lifestyle.

smartiecake · 18/12/2020 14:29

@seag are you ok? You haven't posted for a week, just wanted to check you were doing ok.

Mlm1236 · 18/12/2020 23:05

@seag I just read this whole thing and honestly I can't tell you how many similarities to my ex. You focus on the good, rather than the bad because it's not ALWAYS bad. But the bad is awful. I was with my ex 11 years and it just became normal to me. Had no idea it wasn't a normal relationship. Yeah he spoke to my like shit, but didn't every man in a relationship sometimes. You know bad day at work, tell their partner they're ugly and no idea why they're with them. No apologies hours later just talking like nothing happened. I got so numb to it. Thankfully in the end he cheated on me and we split.

I'm now with someone else, who has never so much as raised his voice to me. Even today I said something he'd done I wasn't happy about. He apologised immediately, said he understood and that if I'm ever unhappy about something to talk to him. I literally sat there mouth open in shock. I still can't get used to it. Love it but I find it so odd that any problem doesn't immediately turn into either being ignored or spitefulness.

I hope you're okay, and know you're not alone ❤️.

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