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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

arsie husband !!

241 replies

seag · 08/12/2020 12:32

First post-Just need to vent,all a bit petty but here goes....husband and I rarely go a shopping trip together.maybe once a year if your lucky!!He picked today as the day that suited him best.Planned to go first thing this morning-going for a new bed and mattress.Plan was to leave at 8 so we would be in shop first thing and hopefully it would be quiet.He is very grumpy in the mornings but always thinks his mood is justified.As a family we just try and ignore it or make light of it as it wears off within an hour or so.First thing he said to me when we woke was that I wouldn't be ready to leave at 8- no reason for this just goading me....i was ready at 7:50.Asked him if he'd like a cuppa before we head off-he said no ,as he had already made himself one in his flask.Charming! So i didn't bother and said lets head off.In the car he started ruffling through my stuff on the back seat and said anyone with a brain wouldn't leave the manual on the seat -it should be in the glove compartment and why did i have this or that.I just put radio on and let him have his rant and didn't rise to it.We had to swing by his office to drop something off,and as we left I asked him if i should take the left or right at the junction(there is lots of new building at his office and new road set ups,so although I know the area there have been a lot of recent changes).He said "FFS are you stupid,you should know where your going."Again i asked if he could just tell me but no," he's not the one driving "so I took the left turn and again he said "FFS who goes this way".I had enough at this point,-just no reason to speak to me like this and pulled over and asked why he couldn't just be civil-if i'm asking for assistance why cant he just give it.He says,"brush your teeth before you speak to me"(i had brushed my teeth)"your fucking driving ,you should have planned your route".That comment was the final straw for me and I said "forget the trip as you are clearly in a foul mood and cant speak in a civil manner to me,I can either drop you at your office or take you home so you can collect your own car."He said I was cutting my nose off to spite myself (perhaps ,but didn't seem like it was going to be much fun).So we drove home in silence and when we got back he said that it was a terrible shame that I had ruined the morning.I said very calmly that I wasn't willing to continue being spoken to in the way that he had been and he replied,"oh poor you,you are such a victim" and left.
Aaaaah I feel better already!!! Just sick of his moods and him speaking to me like this.I had woken feeling pretty good and was looking forward to our little trip out!

OP posts:
TokyoSushi · 10/12/2020 10:47

Oh OP, this is such a sad thread, but I really hope that this is the start of the rest of your life. It doesn't need to be like this.

changedmynameforChristmas · 10/12/2020 10:47

Please do not leave your children. Take them with you or kick him out but do not leave them even if you are sleeping elsewhere. They will never forget mum leaving. It's not the right thing to do.

Horehound · 10/12/2020 10:49

This man clearly dies not like you. Has no respect for you. It seems like everything you do he hates. He can't stand your breath even.

Fuck sake, leave this awful man

BigBaublesGalore · 10/12/2020 10:53

@seag

I do have family nearby but i dont want to tell them.They all love him.Everyone does-he's a popular guy.I dont even want to confide in my friends because we are all close as couples
Have you ever told your family how he speaks to you? I hope they wouldn't love him then. Also it's very common for the abuser to make out he's wonderful to all and sundry and no doubt he's made out you're less than perfect to everyone over the years... it's a great tactic for making you feel like it's you and doubt yourself and your experience of him and his way of getting everyone on his side

But regardless of what any one on the outside thinks you KNOW how he's been treating you is disgusting.

I never told my family the abuse I was suffering at the hands of exh because I thought if I did they might not like him and I was too scared to leave. We were staying with my parents after our DD was born, I was breastfeeding her in the bedroom and he was angry at me for something I'd said he grabbed my hair while I was still feeding and shouted in my face. We went downstairs after to the rest of the family and acted like nothing had happened.

Coriandersucks · 10/12/2020 10:54

Blimey - make sure you’re doing this for the right reasons op. It’s easy for strangers on the internet to cheer on a collapsing marriage but the speed at which this has gone from you saying you’re overall a very happy family but your husbands a rude dick sometimes, to now getting a divorce? I’m not saying you’re not doing the right thing btw just please think carefully Flowers

notanadultyadult · 10/12/2020 10:55

You're stronger than you know op Thanks

It's fine to cry.

I've been there. It's a strange process realising that what you've been putting up with isn't ok. I was the same thinking the good times outweighed the bad times when he wasn't so nice or that it wasn't that bad. Looking back now it was awful for me and DD.

It took me years (20 year relationship from when we were very young) to get to that point, but once I did and I walked away I feel so much happier and didn't realise how unhappy I'd actually been. DD (late teens) is also thriving and I didn't realise how much it had affected her and I feel awful I can never undo that but at least she doesn't have to endure it anymore.

It's normal to feel sad acknowledging that the life you'd planned out isn't going to go the way you'd thought. Someone else on here said it's like mourning for the future you imagined yourself having and the person you thought you'd be sharing it with.

Although it's hard now, it'll get easier. I am so much happier now. Me and DD have become even closer, I am in control of my life. After a while I rediscovered my worth and myself.

I've also found a lovely new dp who has never treated me like that, who I don't have to tread on egg shells round or worry about what moods he's in or not say or do something knowing it's going to cause an argument or negative reaction.

I feel like a huge weight I didn't know was there has been lifted.

ree348 · 10/12/2020 10:55

Oh OP I am so sorry you are going through this. I read the title and thought it would be a light hearted post, but after reading your first post and then subsequent ones it's clearly not petty. He's a bully and he needs to change before you lose yourself in this marriage. X

seag · 10/12/2020 10:56

Thank you to you all for taking the time to respond with such support and kindness.Its really making me cry but i don"t want to feel sorry for myself.
When he speaks to me like this-it really is as if he has so much contempt for me.Yet when he's in a good mood,he tells me he loves me,is kind and very supportive.Tells me i"m gorgeous and that I'm his best friend.It feels great and that part of it is the majority of the time.I think this is why i"m struggling so much to imagine not being with him.What a mess!!

OP posts:
FedUpAtHomeTroels · 10/12/2020 10:57

@seag

Im with him because he is overall really kind,loving and really hardworking.He's a great father to our children,very hands on,we generally get on well and have a lot of laughs.Its just when he is in a mood he can be horrible but it usually passes quite quickly.If i had managed to just ignore his comments this morning we would have probrably ended up having a good time but i just cant always ignore what he says.
But he's not is he. He's bad tempered and rude even just 5% of the time is 5% too much. He's not a good father he is rude and demeaning to their mother, he will teach them to be the same way towards you. He will also show any daughters this is how they will be treated by men and sons to treat women this way too. Today he set you up to fail. He knew you were asking resonable questions he wanted to to get it wrong so he could blame and have a go at you. Don't blame yourself saying if only you had ignored his comments this wouldn't happen. This is his was of teaching you a lesson, shut your mouth and get back in your box and do as I say or else I'll be a moody bully of a man until you do behave they way I want. Slowly but surely he will wear away at your life and your confidence and spirit until you are a shell of your former salf, walking on eggshells never sure when he will start again.
MAK93 · 10/12/2020 10:59

Have you noticed a correlation between the weed smoking & mood swings? I have personal experience with this in my family & although I’m not anti cannabis, I know it affects certain personalities in different ways.

BigBaublesGalore · 10/12/2020 11:00

@seag

Thank you to you all for taking the time to respond with such support and kindness.Its really making me cry but i don"t want to feel sorry for myself. When he speaks to me like this-it really is as if he has so much contempt for me.Yet when he's in a good mood,he tells me he loves me,is kind and very supportive.Tells me i"m gorgeous and that I'm his best friend.It feels great and that part of it is the majority of the time.I think this is why i"m struggling so much to imagine not being with him.What a mess!!
Only you know what's best. My dp was and is far from perfect but when I've told him something that's really not on that he's being doing he will stop doing that thing and make changes and that's the difference. If your dh took on board what you said and actually changed his behaviour then you could progress but it's not just how he speaks to you in the morning, what about his drug taking? What about how he manipulates you into feeling guilty about sex. That is sexual abuse and coercive behaviour and it's not ok
FedUpAtHomeTroels · 10/12/2020 11:03

You are doing the right thing in addressing all this. You can't spend your life living like this. Good luch OP, life is hard sometimes.

seag · 10/12/2020 11:05

@MAK93

Have you noticed a correlation between the weed smoking & mood swings? I have personal experience with this in my family & although I’m not anti cannabis, I know it affects certain personalities in different ways.
Yes I think there is a correlation.He always smokes in the evening and last thing before he goes to bed.I have often thought its because its worn off in the morning which contributes to his mood swings.I think he started smoking partly due to having anger issues when he was a teenager
OP posts:
seag · 10/12/2020 11:19

@Coriandersucks

Blimey - make sure you’re doing this for the right reasons op. It’s easy for strangers on the internet to cheer on a collapsing marriage but the speed at which this has gone from you saying you’re overall a very happy family but your husbands a rude dick sometimes, to now getting a divorce? I’m not saying you’re not doing the right thing btw just please think carefully Flowers
Thanks I appreciate you saying this.I am taking on board all of the comments and am very grateful for the support on here as I have noone i feel i can speak to.It is true though-its impossible to articulate and explain complex relationships in summarised paragraphs though. We are overall a happy family but I think part of that is because I have allowed him to behave in this way .It has been so normal in our relationship ,so it is an eye opener for me to hear from others that the way he speaks to me is abhorrent and bullying.That is how it feels yet I put up with it because the rest of the time things are good.I dont really know if thats okay or not but I feel i now have to draw boundaries
OP posts:
seag · 10/12/2020 11:25

Can I ask-does a partner have a right to feel angry if they have higher libido than the other and dont feel their needs are met?
Does the one who wants/needs it a lot less give in because they know the other wants/needs it a lot more?

OP posts:
BigBaublesGalore · 10/12/2020 11:31

@seag

Can I ask-does a partner have a right to feel angry if they have higher libido than the other and dont feel their needs are met? Does the one who wants/needs it a lot less give in because they know the other wants/needs it a lot more?
This extract: Do you feel like your partner would be open to discussing how much sex you have, and when? Or would you anticipate a negative reaction if you tried to bring this up? Do you feel like, even if things were awkward, it would be possible to bring up the topic without them losing their temper, or does the idea alone make you nervous? Another clue: what kind of existing dialogue do you have about sex? Do you feel like you’re always being nagged into to it? Is the onus always on them - on their being ‘given’ sex, rather it being something you do together? Do they insult or demean you, or try to make you feel guilty? Perhaps things aren’t as explicit as that - maybe your partner gives you the silent treatment if you don’t feel like having sex, or is sarcastic or unfriendly. If some of the above sounds familiar, it may be that you’re in a relationship in which coercive or abusive behaviour is a factor. And it’s important to understand: this is not ok, and it’s not something you should have to put up with.

From this site www.relate.org.uk/relationship-help/help-relationships/relationship-common-problems/i-feel-pressured-my-partner-having-sex

RantyAnty · 10/12/2020 11:32

It's good that you're seeing how bad he really is.
How old are your DC?

When he's at work call around and see if you can get an appointment with a solicitor. You don't have to do anything right now but find out what your rights are. The more information and getting things sorted, the more confident you'll feel when you're ready to end this.

Also call Women's Aid and talk to them too. Get some real life support.

If you can remember, use your phone to discreetly record him kicking off at you. You'll have it in case you want to play it for your family.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 10/12/2020 11:34

@seag

Can I ask-does a partner have a right to feel angry if they have higher libido than the other and dont feel their needs are met? Does the one who wants/needs it a lot less give in because they know the other wants/needs it a lot more?
In a healthy relationship, a partner would not be angry when their partner doesn't want to have sex with them. They may be disappointed but they would not do anything to make their partner feel guilty or get angry - because they would rather not have sex than have it with someone who doesn't want it.

A healthy, decent person would (if they have hugely mismatched sex drives) need to decide if the frequency of sex in the relationship isn't enough for them, that they would discuss it kindly and openly and then decide to leave if their drives are too incompatible for them to be happy.

A decent person would rather break up than use anger / guilt / any other form of coercion to get the frequency of sex they would like if their partner wants less.

Pumpkinstace · 10/12/2020 11:34

The 'brush your teeth' comment was said to you to make you feel bad for pulling him up on his shit attitude towards you.

It's the thing that stood out to me as abusive.

RantyAnty · 10/12/2020 11:35

About the sex, when he speaks to you the way he does, you're probably not going to want to have sex with him.

MillieMooBee · 10/12/2020 11:40

I'm sorry this happened. Honestly I can feel myself getting annoyed on your behalf.

My father was very much like this when I was growing up. I can remember sitting with my stomach turning over knowing that he was in a horrible mood. It's not nice. He is much better now but I absolutely hated the unpredictable side of it. Made me so nervous.

I am sure you love him but you don't deserve to live like this. He needs to see what life is like without you in my opinion to shock him into treating you the way a husband should treat a wife. With a little respect.

seag · 10/12/2020 11:57

I think he has quite a lot of narcisstic traits in his personality.

OP posts:
seag · 10/12/2020 12:03

@MillieMooBee

I'm sorry this happened. Honestly I can feel myself getting annoyed on your behalf.

My father was very much like this when I was growing up. I can remember sitting with my stomach turning over knowing that he was in a horrible mood. It's not nice. He is much better now but I absolutely hated the unpredictable side of it. Made me so nervous.

I am sure you love him but you don't deserve to live like this. He needs to see what life is like without you in my opinion to shock him into treating you the way a husband should treat a wife. With a little respect.

Yes this is how i feel.It really spoiled our holiday last year i knew he was in a foul mood with me for the whole trip and my stomach was churning,because we weren't having sex.We were in a caravan and I just cant do it when we have the family in such close quarters but i am frigid and cold apparently!
OP posts:
seag · 10/12/2020 12:14

@youvegottenminuteslynn
I feel you are absolutely right.He definitely feels our sex drives are not compatible and I just feel guilty about it constantly.We have spoken about it periodically and he voices how unhappy he feels about it-ideally we would be at least once a day for him.For me,if there were no kids probably 2-3 times a week but there are kids,so sometimes its once a week ,sometimes once a month.He has said many times before when I've challenged him about his moods that this is the root of his anger.I now see that if this causes him this much anger then we probrably shouldnt be together

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 10/12/2020 12:31

[quote seag]@youvegottenminuteslynn
I feel you are absolutely right.He definitely feels our sex drives are not compatible and I just feel guilty about it constantly.We have spoken about it periodically and he voices how unhappy he feels about it-ideally we would be at least once a day for him.For me,if there were no kids probably 2-3 times a week but there are kids,so sometimes its once a week ,sometimes once a month.He has said many times before when I've challenged him about his moods that this is the root of his anger.I now see that if this causes him this much anger then we probrably shouldnt be together[/quote]
He is seeing sex as something you 'give' him or something he does 'to' you, not a physical reflection of your relationship as a couple, something you do for mutual pleasure and intimacy. I'm so proud of you that your eyes are opening but I know it's a really painful realisation. If you can open up to one of the friends you trust, it might be worth letting them know what's going on. You say they all think he's great but that's because they don't know how he behaves behind closed doors Thanks