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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

arsie husband !!

241 replies

seag · 08/12/2020 12:32

First post-Just need to vent,all a bit petty but here goes....husband and I rarely go a shopping trip together.maybe once a year if your lucky!!He picked today as the day that suited him best.Planned to go first thing this morning-going for a new bed and mattress.Plan was to leave at 8 so we would be in shop first thing and hopefully it would be quiet.He is very grumpy in the mornings but always thinks his mood is justified.As a family we just try and ignore it or make light of it as it wears off within an hour or so.First thing he said to me when we woke was that I wouldn't be ready to leave at 8- no reason for this just goading me....i was ready at 7:50.Asked him if he'd like a cuppa before we head off-he said no ,as he had already made himself one in his flask.Charming! So i didn't bother and said lets head off.In the car he started ruffling through my stuff on the back seat and said anyone with a brain wouldn't leave the manual on the seat -it should be in the glove compartment and why did i have this or that.I just put radio on and let him have his rant and didn't rise to it.We had to swing by his office to drop something off,and as we left I asked him if i should take the left or right at the junction(there is lots of new building at his office and new road set ups,so although I know the area there have been a lot of recent changes).He said "FFS are you stupid,you should know where your going."Again i asked if he could just tell me but no," he's not the one driving "so I took the left turn and again he said "FFS who goes this way".I had enough at this point,-just no reason to speak to me like this and pulled over and asked why he couldn't just be civil-if i'm asking for assistance why cant he just give it.He says,"brush your teeth before you speak to me"(i had brushed my teeth)"your fucking driving ,you should have planned your route".That comment was the final straw for me and I said "forget the trip as you are clearly in a foul mood and cant speak in a civil manner to me,I can either drop you at your office or take you home so you can collect your own car."He said I was cutting my nose off to spite myself (perhaps ,but didn't seem like it was going to be much fun).So we drove home in silence and when we got back he said that it was a terrible shame that I had ruined the morning.I said very calmly that I wasn't willing to continue being spoken to in the way that he had been and he replied,"oh poor you,you are such a victim" and left.
Aaaaah I feel better already!!! Just sick of his moods and him speaking to me like this.I had woken feeling pretty good and was looking forward to our little trip out!

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 08/12/2020 13:59

@seag

It does seem to be specifically the first half hour of the morning that he is moody.He does smoke weed
A weed smoking bully. Yeah, what a great dad.

Do you think it's acceptable to teach your children that men can speak to women like shit, dictate the mood of the house and take drugs?

If not, have a good long think about what you want to do next.

Serendipity79 · 08/12/2020 13:59

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Just sick of his moods and him speaking to me like this.

You say he's kind a loving most of the time. Firstly, I doubt that's true. And secondly, him behaving like this at all (even rarely) is unhealthy and unacceptable. I think it's clear from your comment here that this does happen frequently - you are sick of it, rightly so.

But people have pointed out how abusive it is so you are backtracking and minimising how bad his behaviour is - he has trained you to do this to keep the peace. He's made you modify your day to day behaviour to keep him sweet, taught you to not react and to keep quiet even when he is bullying you and he's taught you that if you point out you are the victim, you are 'playing' the victim.

You're married to an arsehole and bully.

Cant say it any better than this.

Please don't go into "oh but he's normally lovely" mode - he really isn't is he?

Original poster
seag · 08/12/2020 14:02

Im not defending his behaviour this morning-it was horrible which is why i posted.However he doesn't behave like this most of the time

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 08/12/2020 14:07

However he doesn't behave like this most of the time

He shouldn't behave like this any of the time! That's what all of us are trying to get through to you. Men who beat their wives don't hit them all of the time, yet I'd bet you'd say if he did it even once the wife should leave. Any amount of abuse is unacceptable.

PrincessNutNutRoast · 08/12/2020 14:07

@seag

Im not defending his behaviour this morning-it was horrible which is why i posted.However he doesn't behave like this most of the time
How much shit in an otherwise lovely cup of tea is ok?
youvegottenminuteslynn · 08/12/2020 14:08

@seag

Im not defending his behaviour this morning-it was horrible which is why i posted.However he doesn't behave like this most of the time
You realise even if it's not all of the time, that the way he was today (which clearly does happen regularly enough that you're 'sick of it') would be so shocking in a normal relationship that most people would be really shaken up by it?

You are living in a home with a man who is a drug user and making your children responsible for regulating his behaviour by teaching them it's appropriate for children to ignore or try and make a joke out of their father being a cunt to their mother.

Genuinely if my partner spoke to me how yours did this morning I would have gone fucking mental as it would be so out of character for a normal person. Me and him aren't perfect but we aren't bullies. Your husband sounds absolutely vile and I feel so bad for the kids that they are being taught that this relationship dynamic is normal when it isn't.

noirchatsdeux · 08/12/2020 14:08

If a glass of water is 99% pure and 1% shit, you still wouldn't drink it, would you?

'Most of the time' isn't good enough. And you've not answered the question - does he apologise for his behaviour?

NewMumSoon1 · 08/12/2020 14:10

What an absolute dickhead! Divorce!

myhobbyisouting · 08/12/2020 14:13

A pot smoking bully who ruins the atmosphere of a morning and treats his wife like shit to the point that his children have to tiptoe around him, scared that he will kick off.

Dad of the fucking year, stay with him OP. Sounds a keeper Hmm

youvegottenminuteslynn · 08/12/2020 14:17

Just sick of his moods and him speaking to me like this.

This clearly happens frequently.

If it's an hour in the morning every morning that's 365 times a year.

How can you want your children to live in a home like this?

Weirdfan · 08/12/2020 14:19

Yes to flaws and cutting each other some slack but can you not see that this goes far beyond that OP? My DH's morning grumpiness is a flaw, and one we've managed to work around, but it's nothing like you describe. He's bleary eyed, monosyllabic and best left alone til he's had a cuppa but that's a long way from the sort of verbal bullying you're talking about. It sounds more like your H is using his mood as an excuse to spend the first hour or two of the day boosting his own ego by picking on you, which is a disgraceful thing to do to anyone someone he's supposed to love. Is him coming home later in a better mood and playing with the kids really worth putting up with that to you OP?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/12/2020 14:20

However he doesn't behave like this most of the time

Abusive people are not nasty all the time because if they were, no-one would want to be with them. What you are also seeing from your H is the nice/nasty cycle of abuse and that is a continuous one.

He does not behave like he does towards you to people in the outside world does he?. No, it is for you and in turn your kids who are affected by this too that his abuse is directed.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/12/2020 14:22

So he is a pot smoker to boot; how can you at all be in the same room as him. He must stink to high heaven.

As another poster has indeed written do you think it's acceptable to teach your children that men can speak to women like shit, dictate the mood of the house and take drugs?

8obbingabout · 08/12/2020 14:29

He sounds vile. Who would speak to someone they love this way?

SnoozyLou · 08/12/2020 14:32

You were being goaded from start to finish. The goading got progressively worse until you told him to stuff it, then it was all your fault.

Life is too short for pussyfooting around an overgrown child.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 08/12/2020 14:34

@8obbingabout

He sounds vile. Who would speak to someone they love this way?
This. Men like this don't even like their partners, let alone love them.

I get so angry that children are being forced to learn that this is what a relationship is supposed to look like, that it's normal. Then we wonder why the cycle continues.

katy1213 · 08/12/2020 14:37

Have you thought about buying a nice single bed?

Tempusfudgeit · 08/12/2020 14:41

You misspelt your title. It should read 'abusive husband'

Tomorrowistomorrow · 08/12/2020 14:42

@seag

Im with him because he is overall really kind,loving and really hardworking.He's a great father to our children,very hands on,we generally get on well and have a lot of laughs.Its just when he is in a mood he can be horrible but it usually passes quite quickly.If i had managed to just ignore his comments this morning we would have probrably ended up having a good time but i just cant always ignore what he says.
Ok so he is abusive and if you are a good little girl and let him abuse you for an hour or two -you can then be allowed to enjoy your time. This makes me so angry and I feel sick -can't you see a "good father" would not treat the mother of his children in such a degrading and awful way. You think he is kind? Really. Or loving.

He is neither. You are being abused -seriously abused. Just because he doesn't leave a bruise doesn't me he is not mentally and emotionally abusing you on a daily basis.

WhereverIGoddamnLike · 08/12/2020 14:43

Have you ever recorded him when he is in one of his moods? And played it back to him once he is back to his normal self? It can go either way, but it was the only thing that worked with my dad.

My mum very calmly told him that she wanted him to listen to how he spoke when he was tired because it was so out of character and so unusual for him to treat people like that and she told him she was sure he would never speak like that during an afternoon out, but when tired his behaviour is just totally unacceptable yet he always turns the blame onto her because he seems to forget the way he acted. She then played it and his face was a picture.

WhereverIGoddamnLike · 08/12/2020 14:47

I always thought my mum should leave my dad. She never did. Her choice in the end, not mine so there we go. But playing the recording did help change things.

However, can I ask you how high a percentage of shitty behaviour would you accept before you started to see that he is actaully not a good man to you. Let's say it's is 5% now, and you say its fine. What if it were 10% or 20%. Still fine? When do you put your foot down and realise you dont deserve to he treated this way?

If you heard the husband of your best friend or sister speak that way, would you say "oh, nevermind, he is a great hardworking husband". If your daughter had a husband speaking to her like that, would you say "oh, if only you had just ignored a couple hours of abuse. You could have had a lovely day".

Really have a hard think about this.

Original poster
seag · 08/12/2020 14:47

The comments he made to me this morning were extreme which is why i called him out on it .He will probably apologise when he comes home if I push him to He'll start off trying to justify his behaviour and then he'll apologise.
I didn't think him being moody in the mornings was that bad and that probably most couples I know have traits in their personalities that are less than perfect but maybe Ive got it all wrong.I did feel his behaviour this morning was abusive and now on reflection i can see that some of his responses in the past have been occasionally,I thought i mostly had a fairly strong marriage though.Do other peoples partners genuinely never say unkind things to one another?

OP posts:
Tomorrowistomorrow · 08/12/2020 14:48

@seag

Im not defending his behaviour this morning-it was horrible which is why i posted.However he doesn't behave like this most of the time
Replace his words- with a physical hit. He gets up and normally hits you multiple times for a couple of hours and then is ok? Now is it acceptable?

No abuser is abusive 24/7 -you are not conditioned to accept it. You need counselling and empowering. As you have been taught "being verbally abused is fine and to tip toe and keep the peace"

ICanTuckMyBoobsInMyPockets · 08/12/2020 14:49

Throw his shit out of the top window and lock the door.

He's a total dickhead and you know you deserve better.

Guiltypleasures001 · 08/12/2020 14:49

I've been with my dh 15 years he's never so much as raised his voice to me