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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

arsie husband !!

241 replies

seag · 08/12/2020 12:32

First post-Just need to vent,all a bit petty but here goes....husband and I rarely go a shopping trip together.maybe once a year if your lucky!!He picked today as the day that suited him best.Planned to go first thing this morning-going for a new bed and mattress.Plan was to leave at 8 so we would be in shop first thing and hopefully it would be quiet.He is very grumpy in the mornings but always thinks his mood is justified.As a family we just try and ignore it or make light of it as it wears off within an hour or so.First thing he said to me when we woke was that I wouldn't be ready to leave at 8- no reason for this just goading me....i was ready at 7:50.Asked him if he'd like a cuppa before we head off-he said no ,as he had already made himself one in his flask.Charming! So i didn't bother and said lets head off.In the car he started ruffling through my stuff on the back seat and said anyone with a brain wouldn't leave the manual on the seat -it should be in the glove compartment and why did i have this or that.I just put radio on and let him have his rant and didn't rise to it.We had to swing by his office to drop something off,and as we left I asked him if i should take the left or right at the junction(there is lots of new building at his office and new road set ups,so although I know the area there have been a lot of recent changes).He said "FFS are you stupid,you should know where your going."Again i asked if he could just tell me but no," he's not the one driving "so I took the left turn and again he said "FFS who goes this way".I had enough at this point,-just no reason to speak to me like this and pulled over and asked why he couldn't just be civil-if i'm asking for assistance why cant he just give it.He says,"brush your teeth before you speak to me"(i had brushed my teeth)"your fucking driving ,you should have planned your route".That comment was the final straw for me and I said "forget the trip as you are clearly in a foul mood and cant speak in a civil manner to me,I can either drop you at your office or take you home so you can collect your own car."He said I was cutting my nose off to spite myself (perhaps ,but didn't seem like it was going to be much fun).So we drove home in silence and when we got back he said that it was a terrible shame that I had ruined the morning.I said very calmly that I wasn't willing to continue being spoken to in the way that he had been and he replied,"oh poor you,you are such a victim" and left.
Aaaaah I feel better already!!! Just sick of his moods and him speaking to me like this.I had woken feeling pretty good and was looking forward to our little trip out!

OP posts:
seag · 08/12/2020 15:30

Wow ,thank you to everyone who has taken the time to respond,I expected maybe 1 or 2 replies!.I genuinely just posted to rant so this is a bit of an eye opener.Yes I have thought about leaving before but have always felt that was in the heat of the moment.
I agree ,the way he spoke to me today was awful and I really dont know where it came from,but you're right-its no way to treat someone you love.He tells me most days he loves me and is affectionate

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 08/12/2020 15:37

@seag

Wow ,thank you to everyone who has taken the time to respond,I expected maybe 1 or 2 replies!.I genuinely just posted to rant so this is a bit of an eye opener.Yes I have thought about leaving before but have always felt that was in the heat of the moment. I agree ,the way he spoke to me today was awful and I really dont know where it came from,but you're right-its no way to treat someone you love.He tells me most days he loves me and is affectionate
My ex told me he loved me all the time, we had amazing sex and he made me laugh loads.

He also cheated on me and hit me.

The bad times are what matter, as depressing as it sounds. How people cope when things aren't perfect shows their true character.

He spoke to you today in a way that wouldn't even be excusable if he had just lost his job or was grieving - and all that happened was that he was a bit tired.

He spends family money on drugs, talks to you like shit and both of you rely on the kids being trained not to react to try and manage his moods.

2bazookas · 08/12/2020 15:46

I don't think you'll be needing a new bed

greenspacesoverthere · 08/12/2020 15:49

Its just when he is in a mood he can be horrible but it usually passes quite quickly.If i had managed to just ignore his comments this morning we would have probrably ended up having a good time but i just cant always ignore what he says.

Why does he have to be in a bad mood? Why can't he just act like an adult and sort himself out. Why does he have to be managed like a child?

Sunshineandflipflops · 08/12/2020 16:00

My kids wake up in a bad mood most mornings because they don't want to get up and go to school. I tell them to get over it. I wouldn't expect to have to do the same for a grown man.

DPotter · 08/12/2020 16:03

I'm not good in the mornings. I try to avoid early starts because of this. However there are many times when an early start can't be helped and I just get on with it. I'm not chatty or full of the joys of spring but I don't swear, abuse, goad or insult my DP or DD.

Your DH's behaviour is totally unacceptable. Full Stop. It wouldn't be acceptable once, let alone as a pattern.

I'd seriously start to get your ducks in a row, and yes hold off buying that new bed.

MitziK · 08/12/2020 16:14

He despises you. I think that the only time he is nice/not abusive to you is when he's too stoned to remember how much he hates you.

Seriously, every time you behaved like a normal, decent person today, despite him having decided from the moment he opened his eyes that he was going to treat you appallingly, he was spiteful and vicious towards you, ramping it up until he told you that you are dirty.

That is not a good man, a good father or a good marriage. It's utterly abusive.

Thatnameistaken · 08/12/2020 16:17

My DP isn't a morning person and on occasion will be grumpy and sometimes snappy. But, he never speaks to me with the venom and spite that your husband did to you this morning, and if he realises hes been snappy he will apologise unprompted.
Your H is off the chart, I hope the posts here have made you realise that you deserve far better than this Flowers

Bananalanacake · 08/12/2020 16:28

How much does he spend on the weed. Can he afford it, I'm not sure if that makes it better. Would what he spends in a year on it be enough for a holiday.

ThirstyGhost · 08/12/2020 16:28

He sounds just like my dad. A big black cloud of a man dictating the mood of the house with his moods. He could be nice, funny, jovial, too. It's no good though is it - if they ruin everything by treating you like an absolute piece of shit when it suits them. I wish my mum would have left him, but she didn't and they are in their mid-70s now, so that's that for her probably. His behaviour left me and my siblings with a complete inability to deal with any sort of conflict in a healthy way. I wish for better things for you and for your kids.

seag · 08/12/2020 16:29

Well I knew today was bad ,but all the fun and good times have been enough for me to move on from when he's awful.I guess I am able to let it go until he does it again
I am dreading him coming home as ideally he would come in and apologise immediately.But in reality I'll be short with him ,he'll be cross that I'm being short with him and then I'll tell him he owes me an apology.We will have to argue it out and then he'll apologise.FFS what a carry on!!

OP posts:
seag · 08/12/2020 16:31

Yes he can afford the weed-we are ok financially thank goodness

OP posts:
Weirdfan · 08/12/2020 16:40

It's not an apology if you have to drag it out of him though is it really? It actually shows up really clearly that he gets something out of treating you that way doesn't it, he obviously trotted off to work this morning having achieved his aim (making you feel like shit) and feeling fine and dandy and will arrive home expecting you to have absorbed his abuse and be ready with a 'welcome home darling', hence his annoyance when you're 'short' with him.

When in fact you've spent the day (perfectly understandably) churning the awful things he said over in your mind and feeling upset. He neither realises nor cares about your side of things though, he got what he needed out of this mornings performance and that's all that matters to him.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/12/2020 16:59

What Weirdfan wrote. He manufactured that argument this morning, it was all deliberate on his part to get a rise out of you. He does this also because he can and it works for him.

Your kids will hear the two of you shouting at each other later on as well, after all sound travels. What is life like for them in their house, its not the sanctuary it should be is it for you or them. You have a choice re this man, they do not.

Also he being able to afford the weed (well currently at least) does not make that side of things any better either.

greenspacesoverthere · 08/12/2020 17:01

FFS what a carry on!!

Your poor kids. At least you have a choice. They don't

Hellotheresweet · 08/12/2020 17:02

@PrincessNutNutRoast

How insensitive- it's not silly. Finding joy in someone's upset says a lot about you.

That's not what she was saying. She was using a bit of sarcasm and rhetoric to make the point that OP will be much happier out of this horrible relationship.

Thank you, exactly
youvegottenminuteslynn · 08/12/2020 17:02

@seag

Yes he can afford the weed-we are ok financially thank goodness
My mates dad smoked weed regularly enough that her stuff stank of it sometimes. Something to think about. Good he can technically afford it but he could probably spend it on something else that didn't make him even more of a moody arsehole.
greenspacesoverthere · 08/12/2020 17:02

Sorry @AttilaTheMeerkat

I repeated what you said. I hadn't read your post. I agree with you wholeheartedly (obviously!)

DeciduousPerennial · 08/12/2020 17:02

I’d have told him to get out of the car the second time he ran his mouth (the first time I’d have warned him that I wasn’t prepared to spend the day being treated like that and I’d have him out of the car if he did it again).

Everyone else is right: this is far more serious and significant than you have been willing to consider up until now.

myhobbyisouting · 08/12/2020 17:55

"Yes he can afford the weed-we are ok financially thank goodness"

But you can't afford to leave?

seag · 08/12/2020 18:47

I’d have told him to get out of the car the second time he ran his mouth (the first time I’d have warned him that I wasn’t prepared to spend the day being treated like that and I’d have him out of the car if he did it again).

I did ask him to get out and he said "no you get out".I said its my car and thats when i offered to either drop him at the office or at home.
He has come home,we have spoken politely over dinner.He asked how my day was and if I had gone shopping myself?No apology and is now gone off for a walk with the dog.I dont even feel upset really,its too much effort.I know he will suggest that I completely over reacted to what he said

OP posts:
lakesideadvent · 08/12/2020 18:57

OP this is no way to live your life.
I would start to look at how you could live as a SP and start making steps towards it.
Then you can make a choice based on what you actually want to do rather than feeling you have to accept stuff.
The way your DP is behaving is very bullying.

Arrivederla · 08/12/2020 19:36

Honestly op - why are you putting up with this? He is talking to you as if you are a piece of shit on his shoe. Angry

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 08/12/2020 19:38

The fact that he hasn't apologised indicates that he doesn't think what he said to you was in any way wrong. So you understand what that means? He thinks it's perfectly fine to use you as a punching bag when he's got a face on, and that face is for no reason. He doesn't give a shiny shit that his words hurt and demeaned you.

This isn't love, OP. Would you ever treat someone you loved like this? I bet you wouldn't even do it to a stranger.

Anordinarymum · 08/12/2020 19:41

@seag

Yes he can afford the weed-we are ok financially thank goodness
No he can't afford the weed. Smoking weed is what causes him to behave like a teenager. Nobody can afford to have to cope with that sort of fallout in the mornings
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