Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

arsie husband !!

241 replies

seag · 08/12/2020 12:32

First post-Just need to vent,all a bit petty but here goes....husband and I rarely go a shopping trip together.maybe once a year if your lucky!!He picked today as the day that suited him best.Planned to go first thing this morning-going for a new bed and mattress.Plan was to leave at 8 so we would be in shop first thing and hopefully it would be quiet.He is very grumpy in the mornings but always thinks his mood is justified.As a family we just try and ignore it or make light of it as it wears off within an hour or so.First thing he said to me when we woke was that I wouldn't be ready to leave at 8- no reason for this just goading me....i was ready at 7:50.Asked him if he'd like a cuppa before we head off-he said no ,as he had already made himself one in his flask.Charming! So i didn't bother and said lets head off.In the car he started ruffling through my stuff on the back seat and said anyone with a brain wouldn't leave the manual on the seat -it should be in the glove compartment and why did i have this or that.I just put radio on and let him have his rant and didn't rise to it.We had to swing by his office to drop something off,and as we left I asked him if i should take the left or right at the junction(there is lots of new building at his office and new road set ups,so although I know the area there have been a lot of recent changes).He said "FFS are you stupid,you should know where your going."Again i asked if he could just tell me but no," he's not the one driving "so I took the left turn and again he said "FFS who goes this way".I had enough at this point,-just no reason to speak to me like this and pulled over and asked why he couldn't just be civil-if i'm asking for assistance why cant he just give it.He says,"brush your teeth before you speak to me"(i had brushed my teeth)"your fucking driving ,you should have planned your route".That comment was the final straw for me and I said "forget the trip as you are clearly in a foul mood and cant speak in a civil manner to me,I can either drop you at your office or take you home so you can collect your own car."He said I was cutting my nose off to spite myself (perhaps ,but didn't seem like it was going to be much fun).So we drove home in silence and when we got back he said that it was a terrible shame that I had ruined the morning.I said very calmly that I wasn't willing to continue being spoken to in the way that he had been and he replied,"oh poor you,you are such a victim" and left.
Aaaaah I feel better already!!! Just sick of his moods and him speaking to me like this.I had woken feeling pretty good and was looking forward to our little trip out!

OP posts:
Tomorrowistomorrow · 08/12/2020 14:50

@seag

The comments he made to me this morning were extreme which is why i called him out on it .He will probably apologise when he comes home if I push him to He'll start off trying to justify his behaviour and then he'll apologise. I didn't think him being moody in the mornings was that bad and that probably most couples I know have traits in their personalities that are less than perfect but maybe Ive got it all wrong.I did feel his behaviour this morning was abusive and now on reflection i can see that some of his responses in the past have been occasionally,I thought i mostly had a fairly strong marriage though.Do other peoples partners genuinely never say unkind things to one another?
Don't you see -you shouldn't need to call him out on it?

BECAUSE --He shouldn't behave in this way. The apology is neither here nor there. He shouldn't need to apologise as he shouldn't behave like it.

Colourmeclear · 08/12/2020 14:50

A sensible human being who cares for and loves their partner, but knows they are an offensive twat in the mornings, would get up earlier and keep to themselves until they could be around those they love without causing offence. They would apologise, they would hold their tongue if they had nothing nice to say. He doesn't sound like that at all.

Tomorrowistomorrow · 08/12/2020 14:51

@AttilaTheMeerkat

So he is a pot smoker to boot; how can you at all be in the same room as him. He must stink to high heaven.

As another poster has indeed written do you think it's acceptable to teach your children that men can speak to women like shit, dictate the mood of the house and take drugs?

Totally and utterly agree.

Poor kids. This is how abuse happens in generation after generation.

Aquamarine1029 · 08/12/2020 14:52

Do other peoples partners genuinely never say unkind things to one another?

Yes, many genuinely do not.

TokyoSushi · 08/12/2020 14:54

OP this is dreadful, and you're making so many excuses for his behaviour. I've been together with DH for over 20 years and we have never spoken to each other like this, It really is not normal.

Weirdfan · 08/12/2020 14:54

Do other peoples partners genuinely never say unkind things to one another?

Not in the way you describe OP, no. Heated arguments, occasional snappiness when stressed yes but not the deliberate picking and goading and personal nastiness you're on the receiving end of, not in 20 odd years with my (far from perfect, same as me) DH.

WhereverIGoddamnLike · 08/12/2020 14:55

OP, you said that you and the kids just ignore him or laugh it off when he is like that but I guarantee you that your kids are being harmed.

I'm 31, and it wasnt until I had kids and joined mumsnet that I realise you were meant to be shouted at by your partner. That was my normal growing up; my dad throwing temper tantrums and shouting at my mum or speaking to her the way your husband speaks to you. That was normal. I thought that was just how you treated people, and how people treated you.

It took a very long time for me to realise that actually, husbands and wives shouldnt yell at and degrade each other. I started speaking to my friends about it and most of them told me that no, it wasnt normal. My ex partner behaved the way my dad did. I didnt know any different. I left him. But it took a lot for me to get here.

You should not be teaching your kids to ignore eit or laugh it off. They need to be told how how totally unacceptable it is. I wish my mum had done that with me.

Badwill · 08/12/2020 14:56

Do other peoples partners genuinely never say unkind things to one another?

My STBXH has many, many flaws but no he had never said unkind things like that to me ever. Even when talking about divorce in a heated argument. Your husband is a nasty prick OP. That's really not normal behaviour at all.

WhereverIGoddamnLike · 08/12/2020 14:58

*weren't meant to be

CosyQueen · 08/12/2020 14:59

Wow he is an abusive arsehole- why are you with him OP! I would not stay with someone who thought it was fine to talk to me/treat me like shit on the bottom of their shoe!
I hope your ok, please don’t put up with being talked to like that

Sunshineandflipflops · 08/12/2020 15:00

My ex h wasn't perfect, hence he is my ex h. However, in 13 years of marriage and 20 years of knowing each other, he never spoke to me in that way and if he had, it would have been the one and only time.

What he said to you was disgusting. If this is the way you let the one person who is supposed to love, honour and protect/respect you for the rest of your life speak to you then what do you put up with from other people?

My bf isn't a morning person. He doesn't sleep well and is on medication which affect his sleep. I know not to arrange to do anything too early for that reason, but once again, even on a morning when he hasn't slept for more than 2 hours he would NEVER speak to me in that way because he loves me and has respect for me, which your H clearly doesn't.

Menstrualcycledisplayteam · 08/12/2020 15:00

I've been with my DH for 20 years and, no, we've never spoken to each other like that. One being justifiably annoyed with something the other one has done, yes, but not the deliberate nitpicking and nastiness that you've been subjected to. OP, hes awful and you deserve better. I'm not a big fan of the "what are you teaching your children" sentiments because it just feels like kicking someone when they're down BUT your family is being conditioned to put up with utterly unacceptable behaviour (and potentially to perpetuate it with future partners). You're worth more than this. Good luck.

VettiyaIruken · 08/12/2020 15:01

No. It isn't normal to say unkind things to someone you love and it's really sad you think otherwise.

Your account of the morning read like someone who despises you. The words were dripping with contempt. And you think it's not a big deal and he's a wonderful man and brilliant father. That's really sad.

LilyLongJohn · 08/12/2020 15:05

My husband can be moody and has his little traits, but he's never ever talk to me like that.

I think you've got so used to his behaviour you're normalising it, when actually it's abusive .

Does he talk to his work colleagues or friends like that when he sees them in the morning? I bet my bottom dollar he doesn't, you know why, because he knows it's unacceptable - so why does he think it's ok for you to receive these types of comments and aggressive behaviour

Happygogoat · 08/12/2020 15:07

Please do not make allowances for this because he is "overall" kind?! This is an absolutely atrocious way for him to behave for no good reason, and your kids see this too and everyone just has to deal with it?

Honestly I couldn't cope with that. Would he speak to strangers/colleagues/shop workers so rudely? Why do you get this awful treatment?

Does he even apologise when it has "passed"?!

youvegottenminuteslynn · 08/12/2020 15:07

Do other peoples partners genuinely never say unkind things to one another?

Never unkind, no.

Sometimes a bit snappy or frustrated and immediately sorry, sure.

Never unkind, never aggressive, never nasty, never disdain like the teeth comment. Never.

It's not normal if you love someone, it's sad you think it is.

seag · 08/12/2020 15:07

I have thought of leaving in the past when he's been quite nasty but there is so much of him that I love and i guess I put up with the occasional shit because of that.I am also a stay at home mum so have no means to live elsewhere even if i wanted to.

OP posts:
myhobbyisouting · 08/12/2020 15:10

Time to get a job OP and start looking for something a bit better for yourself. Or if not for you, for your kids.

It isn't normal to treat each other like that no. He is a shithouse of a father and a crap husband

youvegottenminuteslynn · 08/12/2020 15:11

@seag

I have thought of leaving in the past when he's been quite nasty but there is so much of him that I love and i guess I put up with the occasional shit because of that.I am also a stay at home mum so have no means to live elsewhere even if i wanted to.
What do you think lots of stay at home mums do though? There are benefits, part time jobs, you aren't stuck just because you're currently a SAHM.

If your kids are school age it would be a good thing to get back into work surely? You'll feel less dependent on him and as your social circle widens you'll see more and more how unhealthy the relationship is as currently you are probably either alone or with him much of the time.

You have considered leaving before because he's been so nasty. That says so muck more than you seem to think - that's huge and you being a SAHM doesn't make it ok for your kids to be raised thinking this is what a relationship looks like.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 08/12/2020 15:14

Also are you really comfortable being with a weed smoker? A moody weed smoker with a really nasty side? Your poor kids they must have some stuff that stinks that they then bring to school and friends places.

Menstrualcycledisplayteam · 08/12/2020 15:14

Agree with @myhobbyisouting. Plus, you're married, so you have a claim on your house (if owned) plus anything you can get via CMS. But more than anything, get a job. Any job. Anything is better than this.

OhioOhioOhio · 08/12/2020 15:16

I used to have one of them. Get rid.

pallisers · 08/12/2020 15:21

Do other peoples partners genuinely never say unkind things to one another?

no. married more than 25 years and my dh has never once spoken to me like your dh did to you this morning. He has never called me stupid. I haven't spoken to him like that either. I don't speak to anyone in my life like that, still less the person I love and like the best.

We have had heated arguments about stuff in our life. We occasionally snap at each other usually following it up with a "sorry about that" fairly fast.

Most people I know live like this - my parents certainly did. your dh is speaking to you with utter contempt. What you do about it is up to you but your children are already learning how a man should speak to a woman and how a woman should behave herself so as to stop him.

Some professional body needs to add "he is a great father" to the list of red flags for abusive men.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 08/12/2020 15:22

Lots of means to live somewhere else. What would you do if he left you? You'd have to find a way to support yourself then, including:

Part time work
Benefits
Child maintenance - if he's a good dad like you think he is he will want to provide for his kids
Marital assets - money from the house if you divorce and it's sold

There are ways to support yourself and if you've considered leaving before because he's been so nasty then you should have a plan regardless.

VettiyaIruken · 08/12/2020 15:29

Read your op back.
Imagine that the person hearing it is not you, but your child.
Imagine that the person saying it is their partner.

Do you think that's no big deal and your child should just accept it?

Swipe left for the next trending thread