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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

arsie husband !!

241 replies

seag · 08/12/2020 12:32

First post-Just need to vent,all a bit petty but here goes....husband and I rarely go a shopping trip together.maybe once a year if your lucky!!He picked today as the day that suited him best.Planned to go first thing this morning-going for a new bed and mattress.Plan was to leave at 8 so we would be in shop first thing and hopefully it would be quiet.He is very grumpy in the mornings but always thinks his mood is justified.As a family we just try and ignore it or make light of it as it wears off within an hour or so.First thing he said to me when we woke was that I wouldn't be ready to leave at 8- no reason for this just goading me....i was ready at 7:50.Asked him if he'd like a cuppa before we head off-he said no ,as he had already made himself one in his flask.Charming! So i didn't bother and said lets head off.In the car he started ruffling through my stuff on the back seat and said anyone with a brain wouldn't leave the manual on the seat -it should be in the glove compartment and why did i have this or that.I just put radio on and let him have his rant and didn't rise to it.We had to swing by his office to drop something off,and as we left I asked him if i should take the left or right at the junction(there is lots of new building at his office and new road set ups,so although I know the area there have been a lot of recent changes).He said "FFS are you stupid,you should know where your going."Again i asked if he could just tell me but no," he's not the one driving "so I took the left turn and again he said "FFS who goes this way".I had enough at this point,-just no reason to speak to me like this and pulled over and asked why he couldn't just be civil-if i'm asking for assistance why cant he just give it.He says,"brush your teeth before you speak to me"(i had brushed my teeth)"your fucking driving ,you should have planned your route".That comment was the final straw for me and I said "forget the trip as you are clearly in a foul mood and cant speak in a civil manner to me,I can either drop you at your office or take you home so you can collect your own car."He said I was cutting my nose off to spite myself (perhaps ,but didn't seem like it was going to be much fun).So we drove home in silence and when we got back he said that it was a terrible shame that I had ruined the morning.I said very calmly that I wasn't willing to continue being spoken to in the way that he had been and he replied,"oh poor you,you are such a victim" and left.
Aaaaah I feel better already!!! Just sick of his moods and him speaking to me like this.I had woken feeling pretty good and was looking forward to our little trip out!

OP posts:
smartiecake · 08/12/2020 19:48

OP i dont think you realise how shocking your post is. You are minimising so much abuse here its heartbreaking to read. You asked 'do other peoples partners genuinely never say unkind things to one another?'
My H of 25 years has never ever said anything like that and I have never said anything like that to him. We have had disagreements and rows but he has never belittled me, verbally abused me, or been so offensive. What your husband is doing is not just being unkind. Its verbal abuse.
Seriously take a look at your life through new eyes. This is no way to live. You are financially dependent on him. You should start to consider whether you want to continue living this life treading on eggshells. I bet he doesn't speak to anyone he works with like that. You should start to look at what your options are for leaving him. Hopefully one day you will realise you deserve to be treated wih respect. The way you live now is horrendous. Does he speak to the kids like that? Ever? When he wakes in a mood? Or what will you do when he turns abusive towards your children?
Do not minimise his behaviour. He is a total shit bag. Start secretly recording the way he speaks to you in case you want to play it back to him when he is being this amazing husband? And see if its still your fault then? Please see this for what it is - an abusive relationship

MadamShazam · 08/12/2020 19:55

You should have kicked him out the car and made him walk home, the cunt. What a horrible bully he is. Doesn't seem like a kind loving man to me.

seag · 08/12/2020 20:15

Over the years I can see that at on occasion he has been verbally abusive.But when I speak to friends they describe their own disputes and arguments with their partners and some,not all,say some really mean things to one another in the heat of the moment and some relationships are more volatile than others.I will have to take a long hard thinks about the responses on here regarding my situation.Its hard to consider leaving when i do love him dearly and feel we do have a good and happy time as a family most of the time.However I do appreciate that this doesn't make the way he speaks to me when he's in a mood acceptable in any way.I wouldn't say I'm a doormat but I do pick my battles.He still hasn't apologised and is just acting as if nothing happened.

OP posts:
Elieza · 08/12/2020 20:17

What @smartiecake said.

Get a job or get into college to get the qualifications you need for a job. As soon as you can.
Get counselling (I wouldnt tell him about it as he will just belittle you)
Get the fuck away. He doesn’t love you.
You deserve better. You only have one life. Is this the best yours can be?
No it’s not. Work out a plan and stick to it. You can do it. Just remind yourself that you are a good person who deserves better.

Anordinarymum · 08/12/2020 20:22

OP I can honestly say that my bloke has never or will ever speak to me or behave like yours does, however I have a friend whose husband smokes a joint in the morning to keep him calm as he has extreme anger issues without it.
Her life is not peachy I can tell you. I would not wish him on my worst enemy.
I believe they stay in the same house but live separate lives. It is not a good way to live

seag · 08/12/2020 20:39

God i feel so mixed up about this.I do think his mood swings are definitely related to his weed addiction.I actually feel quite guilty about talking about him now.He would be completely mortified that people would think he was verbally abusive and although he is moody most mornings ,it is just being a bit snappy and irritable normally.Everyone is saying i should leave him,that he doesn't love me but I think he does and would be devastated if we were to separate. He works really hard,spends loads of time with the kids.Gets actively involved with their sports and has so much get up and go and motivation.I think I need to man up and call him out when he behaves like he did this morning and make it clear that I wont tolerate it any longer and see how that goes

OP posts:
smartiecake · 08/12/2020 20:41

I agree with everything @Elieza says.
Start to take steps to get your own independent life away from him, training ir looking for a job - absolutely. And yes to counselling- to see this for what it is.

greenspacesoverthere · 08/12/2020 20:49

I really do not know why (some) people start threads for advice, get good rational
Advice and then back track and change their original story

@seag , your partner is nasty and bad tempered most days. If you think his lack of respect towards you is ok, then fgs consider how his lack of respect effects your children

I do not understand you - how can you let this continue day after day?

myhobbyisouting · 08/12/2020 20:49

"husband and I rarely go a shopping trip together.maybe once a year if your lucky!!He picked today as the day that suited him best."

Even this seemingly small detail smacks of him just not putting any effort into you. He's got you begging him to go fucking mattress shopping together and even the one time it's planned he engineers a row to get out of it.

He's not a decent or loving man to you

DontBeShelfish · 08/12/2020 20:50

He can still be a hard worker and abusive, OP. it was difficult reading your original post because he sounded so horrible. The weed smoking will only exacerbate those bad moods. It's not on you to call him out, it's on him not to speak to you like shit. I realise you probably won't leave him but you really need to think about how he treats you, and if he does that in front of your kids, what message he's sending to them about how you treat your significant other.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 08/12/2020 21:02

He would be completely mortified that people would think he was verbally abusive and although he is moody most mornings ,it is just being a bit snappy and irritable normally.

I think this is it in a nutshell OP.

He would be mortified I'm sure that "people would think" he is abusive and the bad guy.

Yet his own wife telling him she is sick of being spoken to like this doesn't do anything.

He doesn't want to stop being nasty to you, he just doesn't want you to call him out or tell anyone else. And he doesn't care enough about your feelings to stop doing it.

Decent partners don't even think the things he says to you, let alone say them out loud.

MrsKeats · 08/12/2020 21:12

A drug smoking bully.
Your poor kids.

Backtoblack1 · 08/12/2020 21:25

Is he at any time loving to you? I can’t think of a single reason he would make a comment about brushing your teeth which is so very personal and hurtful. I would not be able to forgive that I’m sorry x

MadamShazam · 08/12/2020 21:32

If you don't want to leave him OP, thats up to you. But you need to put a stop to his behaviour. Stop being a doormat and challenge him every time he speaks to you like shit. Because it is not acceptable at all. And think of the example you are both setting your kids. Is this really what you want them to believe is a normal relationship??

user1471442488 · 08/12/2020 22:03

@MrsKeats

A drug smoking bully. Your poor kids.
This.

Poor kids. You’ll keep making excuses for him even though he’s an abusive shit, and your kids will suffer for it. Nice one.

Hushmush · 08/12/2020 22:38

I have been you and sometimes I am still you. And reading this is like looking into a mirror of words. You’re starting to defend him because you feel guilty. You feel like you’re betraying him. It’s a weird thing and I feel it too when my OH outs me through this. There must be a reason for it. Everyone is right, even if you can’t believe it. When people tell me I find it hard to believe too. X

seag · 08/12/2020 23:22

Thank you again everyone for taking the time to reply.Its been a weird evening-just quietly ignoring one another.Why can't he just apologise !!I cant bring myself to challenge him tonight as i just cant be bothered having an argument but just cant let him away with it.I will wait until tomorrow and pick my moment when the kids aren't around

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 08/12/2020 23:31

Op his behaviour is absolutely disgusting. Nothing loving about it and nobody regularly speaks to someone they love like that. Your children will think this is an ok way to treat someone they love, and that will limit their relationships to people with such low self esteem they will put up with that kind of shit. Please talk to your dh. Honestly mine wouldn’t have come back in the house that night. Nothing loving about his behaviour tonight either. Maybe it is the weed but that’s no excuse.

EKGEMS · 08/12/2020 23:36

"I can't bring myself to challenge him tonight" How happy would you be to hear your little girl say this at age 25? "Mom I can't bring up him hitting me/calling me a whore after he gets stoned on weed/drunk on whiskey he's 95% good-besides he's involved with our kids. Who cares if he'll eventually throw me down the stairs and the kids will find me unconscious-he's a good provider" That is EXACTLY how you sound! Good grief you're afraid to tell him how he treated you-badly enough to post it to total strangers online

seag · 08/12/2020 23:46

You are right-it wouldn't be okay at all.Its not good

OP posts:
myhobbyisouting · 08/12/2020 23:47

What would apologising do? You're quite clearly agreeable to this continuing so anything anyone says is pointless.

It would be a cold day in hell when I'd allow my kids to be around a drug user who we had learned to tiptoe around

JurassicParkAha · 08/12/2020 23:58

It's so depressing to see that someone can be considered mostly good, despite having a nasty, mean streak towards their wife.

All the stuff you've praised about him OP, show nothing he's done for you. For his job, for his kids, for his image. What does he do that shows he loves YOU and not just the idea of having a family? Because the things he's said to you are just mean. And unprovoked mean at that. Who speaks this way to someone they love? If you left him would he be devastated to lose you as a person, or the comfort and ease you provide his life?

Relationships need respect and clearly he has lost it for you. There's contempt even. I would really consider you getting a job, something with your own identity. You may me surprised to find you have a lower tolerance of bad behaviour when you feel financially independent.

Not even apologising of his own accord. Ugh. He knows you'll do nothing, can do nothing, other than just put up with it.

BigBaublesGalore · 09/12/2020 00:12

@seag

The comments he made to me this morning were extreme which is why i called him out on it .He will probably apologise when he comes home if I push him to He'll start off trying to justify his behaviour and then he'll apologise. I didn't think him being moody in the mornings was that bad and that probably most couples I know have traits in their personalities that are less than perfect but maybe Ive got it all wrong.I did feel his behaviour this morning was abusive and now on reflection i can see that some of his responses in the past have been occasionally,I thought i mostly had a fairly strong marriage though.Do other peoples partners genuinely never say unkind things to one another?
Me and my dp argue and have disagreements but no we never name call and even when one of us is grumpy for whatever reason we never take it out on each other... if I genuinely called my dp stupid he wouldn't stand for it and neither would I vice Versa
PickAChew · 09/12/2020 00:18

@seag

Over the years I can see that at on occasion he has been verbally abusive.But when I speak to friends they describe their own disputes and arguments with their partners and some,not all,say some really mean things to one another in the heat of the moment and some relationships are more volatile than others.I will have to take a long hard thinks about the responses on here regarding my situation.Its hard to consider leaving when i do love him dearly and feel we do have a good and happy time as a family most of the time.However I do appreciate that this doesn't make the way he speaks to me when he's in a mood acceptable in any way.I wouldn't say I'm a doormat but I do pick my battles.He still hasn't apologised and is just acting as if nothing happened.
You are describing a race to the bottom. None of it is acceptable.

DH struggled in lockdown and said some quite upsetting things to me. I was really hurt and called him out on it. Without further pressure from me, he apologised. This is how decent people behave, even when they are stressed and show an ugly side. They don't see their unseemly actions as justified - they are mortified by them.

BigBaublesGalore · 09/12/2020 00:23

Please please op read up on gaslighting... him blaming you for his bad mood and how the morning went is classic abusive behaviour, I know you're saying it's good with him at times but you should never ever be spoken to like that it's absolutely disgusting... how would you feel if one of your kids grew up to live with a partner who spoke to them like that?

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