Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

arsie husband !!

241 replies

seag · 08/12/2020 12:32

First post-Just need to vent,all a bit petty but here goes....husband and I rarely go a shopping trip together.maybe once a year if your lucky!!He picked today as the day that suited him best.Planned to go first thing this morning-going for a new bed and mattress.Plan was to leave at 8 so we would be in shop first thing and hopefully it would be quiet.He is very grumpy in the mornings but always thinks his mood is justified.As a family we just try and ignore it or make light of it as it wears off within an hour or so.First thing he said to me when we woke was that I wouldn't be ready to leave at 8- no reason for this just goading me....i was ready at 7:50.Asked him if he'd like a cuppa before we head off-he said no ,as he had already made himself one in his flask.Charming! So i didn't bother and said lets head off.In the car he started ruffling through my stuff on the back seat and said anyone with a brain wouldn't leave the manual on the seat -it should be in the glove compartment and why did i have this or that.I just put radio on and let him have his rant and didn't rise to it.We had to swing by his office to drop something off,and as we left I asked him if i should take the left or right at the junction(there is lots of new building at his office and new road set ups,so although I know the area there have been a lot of recent changes).He said "FFS are you stupid,you should know where your going."Again i asked if he could just tell me but no," he's not the one driving "so I took the left turn and again he said "FFS who goes this way".I had enough at this point,-just no reason to speak to me like this and pulled over and asked why he couldn't just be civil-if i'm asking for assistance why cant he just give it.He says,"brush your teeth before you speak to me"(i had brushed my teeth)"your fucking driving ,you should have planned your route".That comment was the final straw for me and I said "forget the trip as you are clearly in a foul mood and cant speak in a civil manner to me,I can either drop you at your office or take you home so you can collect your own car."He said I was cutting my nose off to spite myself (perhaps ,but didn't seem like it was going to be much fun).So we drove home in silence and when we got back he said that it was a terrible shame that I had ruined the morning.I said very calmly that I wasn't willing to continue being spoken to in the way that he had been and he replied,"oh poor you,you are such a victim" and left.
Aaaaah I feel better already!!! Just sick of his moods and him speaking to me like this.I had woken feeling pretty good and was looking forward to our little trip out!

OP posts:
Coriandersucks · 08/12/2020 13:24

Does he apologise?

LuckyNumberThirteen · 08/12/2020 13:25

But you shouldn't have to ignore his moods and comments until he decides to be civil.

This isn't a happy relationship at all.

Hawkins001 · 08/12/2020 13:25

It seems odd when people do that, you ask for assistance then they ingore but then they are happy to say you should of done x yet when they were asked which way they choose not to give directions, very puzzling behaviour

Lsquiggles · 08/12/2020 13:26

What a disgusting way to speak to someone he supposedly loves, you should want better for yourself. The final straw for me would have been the "brush your teeth" comment, who does he think he is?! Honestly OP I'm so sad for you that because he's okay most the time you'll put up with this abuse

Weirdfan · 08/12/2020 13:30

My DH is terrible in the mornings, irritable, grumpy and really not with it for the first half hour, I've never known anyone sleep as heavily as him and it's clear he genuinely struggles to wake up. If he ever spoke to me the way your H spoke to you this morning I literally couldn't leave fast enough, that's not morning moodiness, it's severely abusive and really worrying that you can't see it.

Motnight · 08/12/2020 13:31

Why are abusive men always described on here as great fathers?

Aquamarine1029 · 08/12/2020 13:35

Why are abusive men always described on here as great fathers?

Because the women involved with these abusive arseholes are desperately grasping for any excuse as to why they stay in such a horrible relationship.

amillionwishes · 08/12/2020 13:37

As a family we just try and ignore it or make light of it as it wears off within an hour or so.

He is not a great father. You are teaching your kids to walk on eggshells, modifying their behaviour to try and stop their bully of a father from kicking off.

Anordinarymum · 08/12/2020 13:39

OP your first post paints a picture of a horrible nasty disgusting abusive man, and then when we comment how horrible nasty and disgusting his behaviour is towards you - you defend him !

Hellotheresweet · 08/12/2020 13:41

I love these threads

As make me so so happy I’m divorced and don’t have to deal with silly irritating stuff like this!!

Weirdfan · 08/12/2020 13:41

Because their partners are always looking for something good to offset the bad Motnight, because leaving is scary and our instinct is to put up with a bit of 'bad' because the rest is ok. And because most abusers are smart enough to realise they have to use the nice/nasty cycle or they will get rumbled. OP's H can get away with his morning bullying as long as he plays with the kids later on, it's win win for him really Hmm

innercitysumo · 08/12/2020 13:42

@Hellotheresweet

I love these threads

As make me so so happy I’m divorced and don’t have to deal with silly irritating stuff like this!!

How insensitive- it's not silly. Finding joy in someone's upset says a lot about you
PrincessNutNutRoast · 08/12/2020 13:45

How insensitive- it's not silly. Finding joy in someone's upset says a lot about you.

That's not what she was saying. She was using a bit of sarcasm and rhetoric to make the point that OP will be much happier out of this horrible relationship.

seag · 08/12/2020 13:45

We dropped the children off to school on the way so they didnt hear any of it thankfully.
He is kind and thoughtful most of the time,but he's not perfect and neither am I. I put up with it as we mostly get on,have fun and are close as a family.I have felt we all have flaws in our personalities and part of making a marriage work is coping with our flaws to a certain degree.However I do agree that maybe I am so used to his behaviour when he's in a mood that i am minimising it and do so just to keep the peace.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/12/2020 13:46

Women in poor relationships too often write the "good dad" comment when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man.

BronwenFrideswide · 08/12/2020 13:47

I knew the he's a great father would be trotted out, it's so predictable and like Aquamarine1029 says it's used to justify staying in the relationship.

No great father would treat the mother of his children the way you were treated this morning, OP.

No great or even good husband would require their wife to adapt themselves to abusive demeaning behaviour in order to keep the peace.

Neither of you are providing good role models nor how proper, good relationships should be. He's treating you like crap and you are adapting to it and managing it which shows the children they too have to adapt to manage it. Which role will your children pick in their future relationships the one whose bad behaviour needs to managed and put up with or the one who submits and manages the bad behaviour?

PrincessNutNutRoast · 08/12/2020 13:48

@AttilaTheMeerkat

Women in poor relationships too often write the "good dad" comment when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man.
And it's usually not true either. Good fathers don't treat the mothers of their children like dirt, but these guys are usually just crap fathers in other respects as well.
Aquamarine1029 · 08/12/2020 13:50

Yes, we all have flaws, but your husband is vile, end of. I have been married for 24+ years and my husband has never spoken to me like that. Not once, not ever. He has never sworn at me or called me horrible names, and I have never done so to him. That kind of behaviour is completely unacceptable. It seems you think it is so long as some good times are sprinkled in here and there.

DennisWaterman · 08/12/2020 13:52

If he would treat you like that in front of your children, he's not a good father.

If he can restrain himself enough to not treat you like that in front of the children, he's not a good father nor a good husband. He's an arsehole.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/12/2020 13:52

His mood is his sole responsibility; not yours to carry or to otherwise own.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. Would you want your DC to have a relationship like yours is as adults?. Likely not. Do not think either they do not know because they can and do pick up on all the vibes here, both spoken and unspoken, between you and their dad.

Your comment, "As a family we just try and ignore it or make light of it as it wears off within an hour or so" does not align at all with "He is kind and thoughtful most of the time,but he's not perfect and neither am I. I put up with it as we mostly get on,have fun and are close as a family.I have felt we all have flaws in our personalities and part of making a marriage work is coping with our flaws to a certain degree"

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up; did you see your dad treat your mother like this?. What you describe as your H's "flaws" are his emotional abuse towards you. I would only think that you and he get on only when you are completely quiet and become otherwise totally subserviant to him. Keeping the peace as you have tried to do does not work here.

BronwenFrideswide · 08/12/2020 13:52

oh poor you, you are such a victim

What a comment, he knows you are a victim of his abuse and his deliberate ploy to ruin your day.

PickAChew · 08/12/2020 13:53

I hope you bought single beds. There's grumpy and there's needlessly nasty and he was way over the wrong side of the line on between.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/12/2020 13:55

He is NOT a good dad to his children either if he treats you, the mother of his children, like this. What happens to you affects them too; they see and hear far more than perhaps either of you care (well certainly your H here) to realise.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 08/12/2020 13:56

As a family we just try and ignore it or make light of it as it wears off within an hour or so.

You're teaching your children to regulate an adult's emotions.

You're teaching your children a man can speak to a woman like shit and she should tolerate it.

You're teaching your children that the man in a home gets to dictate the mood of the home.

He's not a great dad and they are not being shown anything close to a healthy relationship.

Great dads don't talk to the mother of their children like this. And they don't behave so horribly that children have to pretend everything is ok when they're scared or upset.

Put your kids first, this is so messed up.

seag · 08/12/2020 13:57

It does seem to be specifically the first half hour of the morning that he is moody.He does smoke weed

OP posts: