Husband says he doesn’t want to come home

[cannotholdatune]

DH has been working abroad for 4 months. Today he has told me he has spoken to his boss and asked for a transfer to permanently stay in the country he is working in. There was no discussion with me about it.

He said he doesn’t think it will happen, but I’m now left with feeling he will only be coming home to us because he has to, and we are a backup plan. He has said he doesn’t want to split and will come home every 4 weeks for a long weekend.

I’m not happy with this, he went from dreading going away saying he didn’t know how he would cope being away from me for that long to saying he doesn’t want to come back to the U.K.

I think he sees another guy who he works with coming home every 4 weeks for a long weekend and thinks, he can do that, but this guy doesn’t have a family here in the U.K., well he has a son, but he isn’t with his sons mother.

We have been married for 35 years (we got married very young) so he’s over there working then going out every night with his work colleagues.

We were talking the other night and he told me he doesn’t know what he wants because he’s been too busy trying to give me everything he wants. He has wanted to move abroad before and I didn’t and this is why he is saying this, he wanted to remortgage the house and buy property to rent out but I didn’t want to do this as I wasn’t willing to put the roof over our heads at risk. The other reason for this is 13 years ago he cheated on me so I was a bit wary.

I don’t know what to do. I am obviously wondering if he has someone else over there. He went from calling me every night to calling me during the day from work. I have queried this and he said it’s because we don’t have much to say to each other. This is true but I’ve told him I don’t have much to say because I’ve not been doing anything, there is nowhere to go here in the U.K. and nothing to .
We have 2 kids, 13 and 16. We own our home but have a small mortgage on it.

I don’t know what to do or say to him. The other night I asked him if he loved me enough or loved me the same as before. The reason I asked him this is because I’m thinking he must not love me or our child enough if he isn’t wanting to come home. He said he wasn’t answering that.
He said he is scared to speak to me incase he hurts me.

I’ve hardly slept, I’m not eating and constantly feel sick. I’m worried about the future for me and my child.

I’m also wondering if he is thinking he can have 2 separate lives, one over there and one here. I’m don’t think I trust him to be faithful and I have told him that. I just don’t know what to do.

chercez le femme

I just don’t know what to do

He's only just told you, so you haven't had any chance to process it yet. Take your time. But whatever you decide:

He has said he doesn’t want to split and will come home every 4 weeks for a long weekend.

It's not solely up to him whether or not you split. Don't hang around desperately waiting for a few crumbs from him every four weeks if it's going to make you miserable (which it sounds like it is).

And if he doesn't get the transfer so comes home, you don't have to put up with being the fallback option, someone to cook his dinners and do his washing.

You get a say in this too. But give yourself a while to take it all in and think about what you want.

Oh dear, what a sad situation. My first thought is another women I'm afraid.

He is living the high life and doesn't want to leave that.

What is it you want ? I couldn't stay with a man who 1. Cheated 2. Wants to say in another country without me and the kids.

What do you want OP? Is there an option to move over there with him as a family? I know my employer offers this facility if a staff member has family.

Do you know whether this permanent move is likely to be approved?

From an outsiders POV, it doesn’t sound like he has much respect for you. Firstly to have an affair, secondly to make this massive life changing decision without consulting you.

I’d be inclined to wait and see if this gets approved and whatever the outcome spend some time just the two of you talking when he gets home. However you need to be firm about what you want too.

There is nothing that you can do.

Only he can sort out this living hell for you by either coming home or splitting up with you.

I think your gut instincts are right about somebody else being around- especially as he's living like a single man with no responsibilities.

How do you feel about your marriage OP? Do you want to continue? You could have a bright future without all the 'what's he up to' worries niggling at you.
Do you work at all? Perhaps this is a good time to see a solicitor while he's away just to get an idea of what your situation might be if you don't want to continue. However you feel right now he is putting himself first, so you should certainly do the same thing and focus on getting yourself in the best possible position for your own future either way.

If I say to him I want to stay married but not with him living in another country he will say I’m blackmailing him and it’s not all about me. He will again say I’m telling him how to live his life.

He has cheated on you in the past and makes a massive decision without consulting you when you are looking after his children??

That is shocking, I'm appalled. He essentially is saying he is splitting up with you, just without the hassle and expense of divorce, nor allowing you the option to move on.

Pig.

He went from calling me every night to calling me during the day from work. I have queried this and he said it’s because we don’t have much to say to each other.

That didn't deal with your question, did it? I expect he's ringing you from work because he's spending his off duty time with a new partner.

That's what I'd want to get to the bottom of. Because if he's cheating on you I'm not sure I'd want him back if I were you.

I'm really sorry you're in this position. It must be horrible.

crosshatching I don’t work, i lost my job due to Covid, I don’t have any skills and I’m finding it hard to get a job.

I'm confused op. Do you have one child or two? Your post says both!?

Sounds like he's checked out OP. I strongly suspect that he has created a new life where he is and is stringing you along. Sorry to be so blunt, but I have experience in this area unfortunately. Having lived in lots of these places as a family (we 'survived').

It varies a little industry by industry and country to country but I can tell you that ~50% of those on single postings will be more or less openly cheating on partners left at home. (predominantly males but not exclusively I might add).

First thing would be to understand where his employment contract is based - if it's in the U.K. currently he might be about to change it for a local contract that may suddenly become very opaque in terms of what support you can receive if you were to separate.

What if you called his bluff and said you'll go over as a family every half term and holidays, and he comes home one weekend every half term?

Why not tell him that since you no longer have a job, you can start looking for somewhere for you both (and your DC) to live, in the country to which he is planning to relocate.

His answer to that will tell you everything you need to know!

There is more than one problem here and a woman would be my 3rd concern. 1st is that he thinks it would be an ok option to see so little of his family. 2nd that he decided this without discussing it with you. And then 3rd I'd be assuming else. How the hell are the kids going to feel. Sorry Dad has decided not to come home. Why did you agree to that Mum? I didn't, I didn't know

Sounds like:

Marriage is over because
He has met someone else and formed a relationship.

Even if that's not the case, the situation is very hurtful for you. He is not showing care and consideration for your feelings.

Shark mode. Get all your financial information together, see a solicitor. Don't be weak, you have children and you've devoted a lifetime to this man.

At present, he's calling all the shots. The way to stop that is to take matters into your own hands. Start tonight because he will have been thinking and planning this for months.

Expat story personified. Is he in the ME?

Either way he's checked out. You have to end it for your own self esteem.

He doesn't want to tell you the truth, but it's very clear. You don't need him to tell you the truth because it's clear, you're just
swimming deep in shock and can't see it all clearly yet, but you will. I am so sorry.

You asked him if he loves you, let that be the last time. He can't say he does, he also can't find the courage to tell you the full truth. I'm sure he cares about you but this man has no interest in living with his wife, his family, his children, for long term. He didn't involve you, his wife in this massive, huge, life changing decision! He TOLD you his plan. Disgusting. Do you want to be married to that? It's over. You can let him use you and string you along for years with this arrangement, or move on and find happiness again. I'm sorry.

Only calls during the day means another woman

Or you'd put him on the IPad in the evening and you'd all eat dinner with him and the kids would be chatting to him etc

What's the time difference?

If I asked my husband whether he loved me and he said he 'wouldn't answer that' and he 'didn't want to hurt me' then I would think he no longer wanted to be with me.

Think about what YOU want, and make sure you ask him for it. Do you want a husband who lives abroad for most of the time? If not, then you don't have to put up with that. He may choose to stay. But in your position, if my husband preferred to live abroad than be at home with his family, I would rather he went. You'd be better off without him.

Well unfortunately for him, he doesn’t get the sole say on things. So he can say he doesn’t want to split - but that sure as hell doesn’t mean you have to agree.

How dare he make such a life changing decision without discussing with you? He hasn’t thought about you, or the kids. What a selfish arsehole!!!

Take some time and decide what you want. Really what you want. Then arrange to FaceTime or something away from work and tell him how it is.

Read The Script. The re-writing of history is typical.

Whether or not he's met someone else he has he's totally checked out of your marriage now.

What about him telling you how you have to live your life? As solo parent for the vast majority of each month, but without the benefits of being single? As he swans in and out as he fucking feels like! Fuck that, the cheeky entitled wanker! You are not a bit part player in the film of his life.

I'd be looking at the legal cm status of the country he's moved to. Ask a lawyer how you would stand with regards to the house as you would obviously be resident parent. Where you stand at getting assests/savings/pension etc. Looks at what benefits you can claim til you get work again.

Arm yourself with knowledge and evidence (copy all bank accounts etc). I think you'll be pleasantly surprised! Then tell him to fuck off and he can stay in Airbnb when he swans back once every 4 fucking weeks for 2 days to pretend he's an engaged father.

Become the star of your own film! I'm proper angry on your behalf!

@TeenPlusTwenties
Calling his bluff is a good idea and would at least give some some sort of indication by his response.

As to actually going over I've seen people do that - they book themselves and the wife and family into a nice resort for a week or two. Easily done. You then end up tying yourself up in knots when introduced knowing only too well what is going on if you ever have to meet them whilst they visit.

Sorry, this must sound brutal, but it's what happens.

I'm not sure about this. How many children do you have?