Husband says he doesn’t want to come home

[cannotholdatune]

DH has been working abroad for 4 months. Today he has told me he has spoken to his boss and asked for a transfer to permanently stay in the country he is working in. There was no discussion with me about it.

He said he doesn’t think it will happen, but I’m now left with feeling he will only be coming home to us because he has to, and we are a backup plan. He has said he doesn’t want to split and will come home every 4 weeks for a long weekend.

I’m not happy with this, he went from dreading going away saying he didn’t know how he would cope being away from me for that long to saying he doesn’t want to come back to the U.K.

I think he sees another guy who he works with coming home every 4 weeks for a long weekend and thinks, he can do that, but this guy doesn’t have a family here in the U.K., well he has a son, but he isn’t with his sons mother.

We have been married for 35 years (we got married very young) so he’s over there working then going out every night with his work colleagues.

We were talking the other night and he told me he doesn’t know what he wants because he’s been too busy trying to give me everything he wants. He has wanted to move abroad before and I didn’t and this is why he is saying this, he wanted to remortgage the house and buy property to rent out but I didn’t want to do this as I wasn’t willing to put the roof over our heads at risk. The other reason for this is 13 years ago he cheated on me so I was a bit wary.

I don’t know what to do. I am obviously wondering if he has someone else over there. He went from calling me every night to calling me during the day from work. I have queried this and he said it’s because we don’t have much to say to each other. This is true but I’ve told him I don’t have much to say because I’ve not been doing anything, there is nowhere to go here in the U.K. and nothing to .
We have 2 kids, 13 and 16. We own our home but have a small mortgage on it.

I don’t know what to do or say to him. The other night I asked him if he loved me enough or loved me the same as before. The reason I asked him this is because I’m thinking he must not love me or our child enough if he isn’t wanting to come home. He said he wasn’t answering that.
He said he is scared to speak to me incase he hurts me.

I’ve hardly slept, I’m not eating and constantly feel sick. I’m worried about the future for me and my child.

I’m also wondering if he is thinking he can have 2 separate lives, one over there and one here. I’m don’t think I trust him to be faithful and I have told him that. I just don’t know what to do.

And yes, in your shoes I'd prioritise re-training / getting a job, and setting some money aside. Is his employer UK-based, with money paid into a UK bank account?

[quote SignOnTheWindow]@cannotholdatune

You would not be 'telling him how to live his life' - you'd be telling him how you're not prepared to live yours.

I'm sorry this is happening.[/quote]
This.

Sorry you are in this situation, i hate to say it but having been married to someone that worked abroad i can tell you 99% of the expat guys are cheating on their wives. Wether your husband is or not is neither here nor there, he doesn't want a family life.

@cannotholdatune

If I say to him I want to stay married but not with him living in another country he will say I’m blackmailing him and it’s not all about me. He will again say I’m telling him how to live his life.

What a load of shite.

a) he didn't actually answer your question on why he's calling you in the day now. The answer very likely is "other woman", especially as he's cheated on you before. Cheating when you're in another country is so much easier.

b) he sounds like the kind of guy who twists everything to suit himself. If you don't want to be married to someone who you only see one weekend a month, that's your choice. Not an ultimatum or telling him how to live his life. It's just saying how you want to live your life.

c) you're scared of being without him because he's all you've known for your entire adult life. That's normal. It's scary. But just because something is unknown, doesn't mean it's worse. He doesn't sound like much of a catch at all anyway.

I also agree that he is a total cock for not discussing the job situation with you but sadly I think he has decided that he wants another life . At first I thought the ME but Eastern Europe is just as bad . I feel so sorry for you because this limbo is fucking horrible . He needs to come home and discuss this face to face and if it is the end then you need to file for divorce first and establish the base in Europe. I heard all this shit from my ex H as well - working to keep you , give you the things you want - it's all part of the rewriting of history to justify what they are doing .

I meant lodge the divorce in the UK .

‘ See a lawyer. File for divorce on grounds of desertion.’

THIS - find a specialist family law solicitor locally, get an session booked for advice to determine if you have grounds & what documentation is required. Get yourself organised whilst he bumbles about.

OW very likely.

He may have a problem working in Europe because of Brexit. I’d expect him to come home.

What a horrible situation to be in OP

You can’t divorce him for desertion until you have spent 2 years apart but you could petition on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour (or adultery if it turns out there is another party involved).

What have you told your children if anything? Do you need to consider saying something to them before he does?

So many questions!
What age were you when you got married?
How can you have no skills to get a job if you have just been let go from a job?

"he went from dreading going away saying he didn’t know how he would cope being away from me for that long to saying he doesn’t want to come back to the U.K."

That's quite a big turnaround in just 4months!

If he doesn't think that the permanent job will happen-why even mention it?

Perhaps he already as something lined up?

Either way, he wants to live there & see you on his terms, doesn't he?

Would you even want him back if there is no job?

Children or adult children? You say you’ve been married 35 years.

A friends DH did the same. Said it was for big pay increase for working abroad for a few months then applied for permanent and told her he wanted a divorce. Had a woman in Japan.She had no idea and had kept everything going at home enabling him to have a great time.

I lived as a trailing spouse for years in the ME and Africa and I am really sorry to say it but loads of ex-pat men have affairs or go to marry the housemaid/secretary. many of these women overseas are very canny and know how to play the 'little woman' to puff these men's egos up, act all grateful and 'traditional' until the ring goes on the finger then they become rapacious/bossy and bleed these sad, middle-aged men dry once they have the citizenship and kid! it is a story that I saw repeat over and over. Please, please gather every scrap of financial evidence you can and get some good legal advice. Don't agree to house sales or anything like it. It is way too easy for these men to hide their money overseas and tangible assets like the house might be all you are left with. I know you are in shock but you really have to be very cold about the facts pertaining to your financial future. I would also say if you have anything valuable, of great sentimental value or photos then get them out of the house and in the attic of a good friend because there is nothing to stop him coming home one day and just loading it all into a van (seen that one done too!). Do you have joint bank accounts? Credit cards?That can give you some idea about spending habits that might point in the direction of another female. Save everything. If you have joint accounts then empty them before he does! I am so sorry that you are having to go through this but the bare-faced lies and cheek I have seen ex-pat men display has to be seen to be believed.

My first thought is he has another woman. I would call his bluff and say that you're considering moving over there to be with him and see how he reacts

He wouldn't answer if he loved you because he didn't want to hurt you?
He's checked out and you should apply for a divorce. I'm so sorry.

But I agree with PPs that you should call him and tell him you're moving there. His reaction will tell you everything you need to know.

@Elizabella

I lived as a trailing spouse for years in the ME and Africa and I am really sorry to say it but loads of ex-pat men have affairs or go to marry the housemaid/secretary. many of these women overseas are very canny and know how to play the 'little woman' to puff these men's egos up, act all grateful and 'traditional' until the ring goes on the finger then they become rapacious/bossy and bleed these sad, middle-aged men dry once they have the citizenship and kid! it is a story that I saw repeat over and over. Please, please gather every scrap of financial evidence you can and get some good legal advice. Don't agree to house sales or anything like it. It is way too easy for these men to hide their money overseas and tangible assets like the house might be all you are left with. I know you are in shock but you really have to be very cold about the facts pertaining to your financial future. I would also say if you have anything valuable, of great sentimental value or photos then get them out of the house and in the attic of a good friend because there is nothing to stop him coming home one day and just loading it all into a van (seen that one done too!). Do you have joint bank accounts? Credit cards?That can give you some idea about spending habits that might point in the direction of another female. Save everything. If you have joint accounts then empty them before he does! I am so sorry that you are having to go through this but the bare-faced lies and cheek I have seen ex-pat men display has to be seen to be believed.

This ^

Sorry this is happening to you.

I’m curious about the dates though. You’ve been married 35 years but your kids are only 13 and 16.

So you were married for a whole 19 years before having your first child?! That’s...odd.

How old are you both?

Did he not get to live a life of relative freedom for those 19 years of no children? You both must have been able to live a pretty carefree lifestyle then. Why didn’t you do the whole living abroad thing then? Would have been perfect.

@Elizabella

I lived as a trailing spouse for years in the ME and Africa and I am really sorry to say it but loads of ex-pat men have affairs or go to marry the housemaid/secretary. many of these women overseas are very canny and know how to play the 'little woman' to puff these men's egos up, act all grateful and 'traditional' until the ring goes on the finger then they become rapacious/bossy and bleed these sad, middle-aged men dry once they have the citizenship and kid! it is a story that I saw repeat over and over. Please, please gather every scrap of financial evidence you can and get some good legal advice. Don't agree to house sales or anything like it. It is way too easy for these men to hide their money overseas and tangible assets like the house might be all you are left with. I know you are in shock but you really have to be very cold about the facts pertaining to your financial future. I would also say if you have anything valuable, of great sentimental value or photos then get them out of the house and in the attic of a good friend because there is nothing to stop him coming home one day and just loading it all into a van (seen that one done too!). Do you have joint bank accounts? Credit cards?That can give you some idea about spending habits that might point in the direction of another female. Save everything. If you have joint accounts then empty them before he does! I am so sorry that you are having to go through this but the bare-faced lies and cheek I have seen ex-pat men display has to be seen to be believed.

This Ales terrible reading, but it absolutely possible that this goes all shades of tits up for you very quickly

Get your hands on savings now, get the things of value safe now. If he isn’t going to screw you over he won’t even know, but if he is, you are safe

Get legal advice tomorrow and get whatever you can in motion to protect yourself and your dc.

I’m so sorry this is happening to you. From where you were to where you are in 4 months is no way purely down to ‘job satisfaction’

First thing would be to talk to a solicitor. Try to find all the financial details that you can find.

Do you have access to a joint account? You might mention taking up an expensive hobby so he'll give you more money. Then start saving that for you and your DC.
Definitely look into some university course in something that pays well. You want to set yourself up well.

Of course don't give him any clues on what you are doing.

I'd start avoiding his calls.
I think you've got some time to get the best deal for you and your children.
I noticed you mentioned him calling you. Are you able to call him?

@Elizabella you've seen it too. Not pretty and we know how the story goes

Honestly lovely, please, please, please don't tell him anything. you are going to need the element of surprise on your side. If he thinks you are on to him, then he will start moving money/hiding money and becoming more devious. Just let him carry on thinking he holds all the cards a little longer whilst you get all your ducks in a row. get yourself a good, specialist family law solicitor and preferably one that has experience in ex-pat divorces. Find out what your rights are. Find every bank statement/credit card/mortgage statement/loans/pay slips - anything and everything financially related. His work contract. His company details and put them somewhere he can't find them. Once you know exactly where you stand, then you can make your move but please...do not under ANY circumstances give your game plan away. Women fall down by being too honest in these circumstances. He isn't going to give you the same courtesy. keep it all quiet and then get divorce papoers served on him out of the blue. Pull the rug from under him!

Thing is, even if he does come home now, after making it clear he doesn't want to be with you and the children, could you trust that he was coming home because he wanted to, or simply because the permanent transfer fell through?

If it were me I'd be going to see a solicitor before he comes home for Christmas, just to have an idea of where you'd stand financially, with the house, etc, in the event of a divorce. Doesn't mean you have to take any action yet, but it will give you a starting point.

[quote TheCatsAss]@Elizabella you've seen it too. Not pretty and we know how the story goes [/quote]
too many times sadly and it is such a cliche - these paunchy, pink men past their best deluding themselves that their very own 'dusky maiden' (yes! THAT sad fantasy!!) really, really loves them!

My father went away to work when I was 9. Myself, my two brothers were joining him 3 months later (this in itself turned out to be a massive mistake). In that 3 month period he managed to have an affair with a local woman...which my mother found out about almost as soon as we arrived. It wasn't the first time he'd been unfaithful, my younger brother was only 2 the first time. My mother stayed with him.

He basically lived as if he was a single man after that. To the point that when we were moving back to our home country from the UK, he deliberately tried to sabotage his visa arriving in time...his plan was that he would see us off, pretending to us that he would catch a later flight out, when in reality he had already sorted out new accommodation for himself and hadn't given notice at his job. His plan was scuppered as his visa unexpectedly turned up just in time, the morning of the day we were leaving....he admitted all the above to my mother. She still stayed with him.

He ended up leaving her for another woman when I was 21. Essentially, their marriage had ended 12 years earlier...