Husband says he doesn’t want to come home

[cannotholdatune]

DH has been working abroad for 4 months. Today he has told me he has spoken to his boss and asked for a transfer to permanently stay in the country he is working in. There was no discussion with me about it.

He said he doesn’t think it will happen, but I’m now left with feeling he will only be coming home to us because he has to, and we are a backup plan. He has said he doesn’t want to split and will come home every 4 weeks for a long weekend.

I’m not happy with this, he went from dreading going away saying he didn’t know how he would cope being away from me for that long to saying he doesn’t want to come back to the U.K.

I think he sees another guy who he works with coming home every 4 weeks for a long weekend and thinks, he can do that, but this guy doesn’t have a family here in the U.K., well he has a son, but he isn’t with his sons mother.

We have been married for 35 years (we got married very young) so he’s over there working then going out every night with his work colleagues.

We were talking the other night and he told me he doesn’t know what he wants because he’s been too busy trying to give me everything he wants. He has wanted to move abroad before and I didn’t and this is why he is saying this, he wanted to remortgage the house and buy property to rent out but I didn’t want to do this as I wasn’t willing to put the roof over our heads at risk. The other reason for this is 13 years ago he cheated on me so I was a bit wary.

I don’t know what to do. I am obviously wondering if he has someone else over there. He went from calling me every night to calling me during the day from work. I have queried this and he said it’s because we don’t have much to say to each other. This is true but I’ve told him I don’t have much to say because I’ve not been doing anything, there is nowhere to go here in the U.K. and nothing to .
We have 2 kids, 13 and 16. We own our home but have a small mortgage on it.

I don’t know what to do or say to him. The other night I asked him if he loved me enough or loved me the same as before. The reason I asked him this is because I’m thinking he must not love me or our child enough if he isn’t wanting to come home. He said he wasn’t answering that.
He said he is scared to speak to me incase he hurts me.

I’ve hardly slept, I’m not eating and constantly feel sick. I’m worried about the future for me and my child.

I’m also wondering if he is thinking he can have 2 separate lives, one over there and one here. I’m don’t think I trust him to be faithful and I have told him that. I just don’t know what to do.

Greenland you are still speaking as if this is just a question between the OP and her husband, and whether to spend her life running after her husband (why?) is a decision she can take entirely according to her own preferences with no consideration for any third party. The teenagers, their futures and their views don't count at all?

Also, I see nothing in this to suggest that the OP is either so naïve or so desperately in need of keeping her man at any cost that she would make herself vulnerable to achieve that end. Thankfully.

I'm not suggest g that at all Cory.

It's entirely up to the OP to do what suits her best.

I'm simply pointing out that at the moment, none of these projections about the marriage ending, another woman, etc have not actually happened.

Agree with others here .Its not up to him Im afraid .It certainly seems as though he has got used to the single life .If you have been married 35 years .it will be very hard for you, but not impossible, as others on here would attest .You dont seem to feature highly on his agenda! I would see where you stand financially .This will make you feel less powerless at least and you will be prepared for any thing happening in the future.

It's entirely up to the OP to do what suits her best.

Still missing the point, Greenland. It is not entirely about what suits the OP best. There are 2 teenagers in this equation whose futures are just as important as that of the OP or her dh.

Regardless of whether there's someone else or not, making a decision like that without telling you speaks volumes really.

@LilyLongJohn

I'd send him a text and tell him you've thought it through and decided that you're moving there, with the dc, to be with him.

This. His answer should be very revealing.

In any case, it is up to you to decide if you want to continue married with the set up he is proposing.

Did you ringfence your mums money? Time to talk to a solicitor !

It is not entirely about what suits the OP best. There are 2 teenagers in this equation whose futures are just as important as that of the OP or her dh.

They already only see their dad every now and then. I don't think divorce will change much in their lives.
And parents shouldn't stay married for the children. It's not healthy for the parents. And many pps have said over the years that they haven't thanked their parents for doing so.

Sorry, Lweji, I didn't mean that was a reason to avoid divorce, quite to the contrary. What I meant was that the OP has no right to put any desire to run after a man before the education and general wellbeing of her dc. And their father definitely doesn't have the right to put his dreams before his children.

Oh, ok. Indeed.
Although many of us do to some extent. But with older children, ideally, yes, it should be a family decision.

It should always be a family decision in the sense that it should be a decision that takes the welfare of the whole family into account. Physical wellbeing, education, ability to provide for old age- to each according to their needs and compromises to be made to meet everybody's needs as well as possible.

@Twisique

Did you ringfence your mums money? Time to talk to a solicitor !

How would she have done that?

You asked him if he loves you and he said he didn’t want to talk about it because he didn’t want to hurt you! That one statement tells you all you need to know. It doesn’t matter how much you love him. Marriages don’t work like that. You love him, he doesn’t love you. Whether there’s OW or not, the marriage is no longer tenable. I’m really sorry OP. I’ve been there. As PP have said get your ducks in a row and start proceedings.

You need to decide what you want, are you willing to settle for the crumbs ?

He's checked out of the marriage and sees a better life for himself over there.

You and the kids are secondary to him.

@corythatwas

It's entirely up to the OP to do what suits her best.

Still missing the point, Greenland. It is not entirely about what suits the OP best. There are 2 teenagers in this equation whose futures are just as important as that of the OP or her dh.

and so you show two teenagers that it is OK for their father to treat their mother like a piece of crap?

That was not my point. You show the teenagers that you prioritise them and that if their father treats you like a piece of crap you are not going to go running after him. You make the decision that is best for the 3 of you.