Husband says he doesn’t want to come home

[cannotholdatune]

DH has been working abroad for 4 months. Today he has told me he has spoken to his boss and asked for a transfer to permanently stay in the country he is working in. There was no discussion with me about it.

He said he doesn’t think it will happen, but I’m now left with feeling he will only be coming home to us because he has to, and we are a backup plan. He has said he doesn’t want to split and will come home every 4 weeks for a long weekend.

I’m not happy with this, he went from dreading going away saying he didn’t know how he would cope being away from me for that long to saying he doesn’t want to come back to the U.K.

I think he sees another guy who he works with coming home every 4 weeks for a long weekend and thinks, he can do that, but this guy doesn’t have a family here in the U.K., well he has a son, but he isn’t with his sons mother.

We have been married for 35 years (we got married very young) so he’s over there working then going out every night with his work colleagues.

We were talking the other night and he told me he doesn’t know what he wants because he’s been too busy trying to give me everything he wants. He has wanted to move abroad before and I didn’t and this is why he is saying this, he wanted to remortgage the house and buy property to rent out but I didn’t want to do this as I wasn’t willing to put the roof over our heads at risk. The other reason for this is 13 years ago he cheated on me so I was a bit wary.

I don’t know what to do. I am obviously wondering if he has someone else over there. He went from calling me every night to calling me during the day from work. I have queried this and he said it’s because we don’t have much to say to each other. This is true but I’ve told him I don’t have much to say because I’ve not been doing anything, there is nowhere to go here in the U.K. and nothing to .
We have 2 kids, 13 and 16. We own our home but have a small mortgage on it.

I don’t know what to do or say to him. The other night I asked him if he loved me enough or loved me the same as before. The reason I asked him this is because I’m thinking he must not love me or our child enough if he isn’t wanting to come home. He said he wasn’t answering that.
He said he is scared to speak to me incase he hurts me.

I’ve hardly slept, I’m not eating and constantly feel sick. I’m worried about the future for me and my child.

I’m also wondering if he is thinking he can have 2 separate lives, one over there and one here. I’m don’t think I trust him to be faithful and I have told him that. I just don’t know what to do.

@cannotholdatune what happens when you call him at night? Does he answer?

I think he’s told you what you want. When does he contact his children? Never? I’d see a lawyer, he couldn’t be more clear he’s not on your team. There’s only room on his team for him.
If it weren’t for covid id tell the kids daddy said they could visit for a week to be honest and book them flights! Since he’s not coming home he will have to take his leave over there after all.

After going through with my best friend at school the aftermath of her father working away and the numerous affairs that came out devastating his wife and teenage daughters and myself witnessing the behaviour of the men who travelled internationally frequently when I worked in the city I am extremely cynical. Personally would go to great lengths to avoid a set up where the man travels internationally frequently. At my work the decent family men didn’t and frankly the shaggers did. It was that simple.

International company you say? Did he previously have mention-itis of a pretty young European woman temporarily posted to the UK? I wonder if she’s now back in her usual office?

@cannotholdatune
I am so sorry to hear this.
It sounds like mid life crisis, but the biggest red flag is him having had an affair beforehand.
Clearly not a faithful type.
You will survive!
Thousands of us do
Good luck

I know of two cases where there was another woman involved.
One where the man actually had another family over where he worked and had bigamously marriage OW. His unsuspecting wife found out seven years later.
A relative took his family with him but the wife came back when the children started secondary school. OW was his secretary, 34 years younger than him. They’re now married, have four little boys and she wants to carry on until she has a girl 😳. He’s late 60’s, no chance of retiring because he’s the bread winner. He’s knackered unsurprisingly.

I doubt he has another woman yet because its too soon. I do think you might have to compromise with him a bit on this if you want to keep him. Do you want to keep him or do you want to keep your current life more? This paragraph stood out to me:

We were talking the other night and he told me he doesn’t know what he wants because he’s been too busy trying to give me everything he wants. He has wanted to move abroad before and I didn’t and this is why he is saying this, he wanted to remortgage the house and buy property to rent out but I didn’t want to do this as I wasn’t willing to put the roof over our heads at risk. The other reason for this is 13 years ago he cheated on me so I was a bit wary.

So he sounds unhappy and men are allowed to feel unhappy. To be honest, I'd feel very limited with someone who prevented me from investing in property (remortgaging a nearly mortgage free house is a standard way of financing any business). So you didn't want to work together to invest in property, you don't want to move abroad (which personally, if I wasn't tied down by work I would consider a great opportunity) - basically you're stomping on all his hopes and dreams in order to keep you in the lifestyle you prefer.

So if you want to keep him, I would be flying over there asap and arranging to move out. I think you will lose him otherwise. I don't think its a lost cause yet. Its up to you how much effort you want to put in to keep him. I realise this must have come as a shock if it was originally a 6 week contract!

I am very sorry you are going through this but I agree with other PP who say that it is likely another woman. The 180 degrees change in his attitude towards working abroad could be explained by him starting something new and exciting there.

What I would do is definitely get all the financial details and line up a good solicitor, but I would also call his bluff and say that after much consideration I understood how much it means to him and I started looking for a moving company and if he could look for a place close to good schools for kids. See how he will react to that. It will tell you everything you need to know. To be clear - I wouldn't in a hundred years really consider moving after this.

@GreenlandTheMovie erm... I've seen guys get off the plane at the beginning of a posting and are straight off shagging after the company induction has finished.

When we lived in West Africa the very same evening that they'd waved their wives and children off to the airport for their summer break, many of the dads would be straight to the main hooker bar.

Until you've lived amongst it, it's difficult to believe.

GreenlandTheMovie. He wanted to move abroad to Canada 2 years after I found out about his affair. I told him I wasn’t doing this as we were still trying to work through things and the children were still very young and I wasn’t sure if we would work out. I certainly wasn’t moving to another country where I would have no one and he might have prevented me from returning to the U.K. with the children.

At the time he wanted to remortgage to invest in property there was quite a bit of a mortgage left on our house. The only reason there is hardly any mortgage on the property now is because my mum died (last year) and left me money so it was put to the mortgage.

I’m certainly not stomping all over his dreams, I’m making sure I have some security!

@TheCatsAss exactly and the worst part is they don't even have the good grace to be discreet about it!

Even if he has valid reasons for eating to end the marriage he has gone about this in a despicable way. However, what really stands out for me is that your children are old enough for him to have been up front with them as well, yet he has effectively checked out of fatherhood and left you to try to explain to them. And at a life stage when they probably have important exams and are all over the place with them being cancelled and all the uncertainty around that. What a pathetic excuse for a father he is.

I’m so sorry OP. He has basically told you your marriage is over.

I don’t suppose he’s in one of the few countries in Europe without travel restrictions is he? If he was, I’d certainly find someone to have the DC for a few days and go over there to do a bit of a stake out. Find accommodation near him, get a wig and a pair of reading glasses etc. I’d want to know the whole truth especially as he’s cheated before. I wouldn’t have him trying to blame me for the demise of the marriage by ‘stomping on his dreams’ when he is actually shagging someone else and hasn’t got the guts to own up to it!

Do you have finances to hire a private detective where he is?

He’s already completely out of order by extending a 6 week agreement to 4 months! I take it he didn’t ask if you or your DC were OK with that either?

I would pretend you were OK with the permanent move/coming back every month in the interim while finding out everything you possibly can about what he’s up to and getting a plan in place.

The guy seems to be willing to abandon his DC, not only his Wife, so something is motivating him to stay out there. A decent Dad/husband would be getting to the point of struggling with missing his Wife and DC after 4 months, not deciding to stay away from them permanently for all intents and purposes.

You certainly were correct in being wary of moving abroad with him before when he’d only recently cheated and your DC were young. The only mistake you made was not getting rid of his sorry arse then.

Truth is OP you probably should have left him when he cheated, He’s not committed to this relationship.

Everything he has said and done are not the actions of someone who loves you and wants to stay married o you .
If you ask him if he loves you but he refuses to answer , why would he do that , why not just reassure you of course he loves you , unless he doesn’t .
It sounds like he’s enjoying his freedom and doesn’t want to come home . If he does come home it’s because he has been forced to , not because he wants to . I think you already know this . I’m sorry op .
I’d look at getting some legal advice . As it was your mum’s money that paid off a lot of your mortgage you need to find out what you can do , if anything , to make sure that is considered if it comes to divorce .
It’s a shame he can’t just man up and be honest and tell you the whole story , but he’s cheated in the past so I guess manning up and being honest aren’t in his nature .

Men that get to 50+ then decide that the grass is greener always end up looking ridiculous when their faces very definitely declare that their birth certificates do not lie but they twat about as if they were 25... Not very attractive and also very pathetic. As others have said, it works out badly for them in the long term time and time again. And they then must remember and long for their lovely first wife they so heartlessly threw away! No fool like an old fool. Believe that karma will come calling. But don't go out there OP, the pain of witnessing him with someone else won't do you any good at all - you'll compare yourself etc etc x

@TheCatsAss Yep. I remember the night we met my father at Singapore airport, after not seeing him for 3 months, he was in a filthy mood and spoke to my mother like she was dirt on the bottom of his shoe. My mother told me last year the reason was because he was pissed off was that us arriving meant that he couldn't go back to the upmarket brothel he'd had such a good time at the night before...

@noirchatsdeux ah yes, the famous Four Floors.

Orchard rd.

My dad used to work away a lot. Months would pass and then he'd return home but one phone call and he was off again.

When I got married, my dh travels a lot, my dad told me not to physically split us up due to dh working away , to ensure that if she went away for the long term we went with him or we could basically forget about being married.
The thing is this happens a lot. these men are given a chance of bachelorhood once more paid for by their company and most likely encouraged by male colleagues doing the same things.
My dad ended up being married three times to women from three different countries, dc with all of them. I often joke that if I ever chose to run a dna test kit I wonder how many unknown dc of my dad would crop up and from which countries.

I would suggest your marriage may already be over snd it's for you to decide how you want to proceed on steering this situation to how best it could suit you whatever the outcome.

@cannotholdatune

Yes Happydays, I do love him, very much.

I'm tempted to ask why as he treats you appallingly.

So you didn't want to work together to invest in property, you don't want to move abroad (which personally, if I wasn't tied down by work I would consider a great opportunity) - basically you're stomping on all his hopes and dreams in order to keep you in the lifestyle you prefer.

So if you want to keep him, I would be flying over there asap and arranging to move out. I think you will lose him otherwise.

Did you miss the bit where the OP told us they have 2 teenage children, one of whom is either in their GCSE year or starting A-levels, the second about to start planning for their GCSEs?

The OP is currently expected to act as a single mum, if they move out there she will be a trailing spouse, most likely without permission to work over there. This puts her in a very vulnerable position.

The teens will have their studies completely disrupted and will have to move away from all their friends.

The husband is one of four members of this family- why should his dreams be more important than the needs of any one of the other three?

OP, I find it symptomatic that he wanted you all to move to Canada just after you had discovered his affair. So at a time when he should be making amends, showing his will to work on your relationship, making you feel secure- what he tries to do is put you in a position where you will be more vulnerable and he will have more control. Not a good sign by any stretch.

@Feedingthebirds1

I just don’t know what to do

He's only just told you, so you haven't had any chance to process it yet. Take your time. But whatever you decide:

He has said he doesn’t want to split and will come home every 4 weeks for a long weekend.

It's not solely up to him whether or not you split. Don't hang around desperately waiting for a few crumbs from him every four weeks if it's going to make you miserable (which it sounds like it is).

And if he doesn't get the transfer so comes home, you don't have to put up with being the fallback option, someone to cook his dinners and do his washing.

You get a say in this too. But give yourself a while to take it all in and think about what you want.

Totally agree with this. Look after yourself OP. You deserve better treatment than this.

I'm not denying the DH is a POS. I'm simply pointing out that if the OP wishes to avoid a split and divorce (which hasn't actually happened yet) it might be a good idea to make sure she spends more time with him. Lots of women do run around after men to keep them - you can bet that the woman in the foreign country who gets this great prize amongst men will be doing exactly that.

Not my idea of fun personally, but some women out grwat efforts into keeping a man. I dont think that the OP and the DH sound very compatible - either that or he's one of those ones who always wants to wander to greener grass.

Please get informed fast. Information is power. ask around your friends & do some research to find a good divorce lawyer, with knowledge in expat divorce & finances. If his request gets accepted & he is payed in €, things may rapidly change in view of Brexit imminent (you have to wonder if this is why he tells you just seconds before his money is safely offshore) Is he in banking?
Do not let him know that your inheritance remains yours when the house is sold in a divorce. he may be counting on getting half.