Husband says he doesn’t want to come home

[cannotholdatune]

DH has been working abroad for 4 months. Today he has told me he has spoken to his boss and asked for a transfer to permanently stay in the country he is working in. There was no discussion with me about it.

He said he doesn’t think it will happen, but I’m now left with feeling he will only be coming home to us because he has to, and we are a backup plan. He has said he doesn’t want to split and will come home every 4 weeks for a long weekend.

I’m not happy with this, he went from dreading going away saying he didn’t know how he would cope being away from me for that long to saying he doesn’t want to come back to the U.K.

I think he sees another guy who he works with coming home every 4 weeks for a long weekend and thinks, he can do that, but this guy doesn’t have a family here in the U.K., well he has a son, but he isn’t with his sons mother.

We have been married for 35 years (we got married very young) so he’s over there working then going out every night with his work colleagues.

We were talking the other night and he told me he doesn’t know what he wants because he’s been too busy trying to give me everything he wants. He has wanted to move abroad before and I didn’t and this is why he is saying this, he wanted to remortgage the house and buy property to rent out but I didn’t want to do this as I wasn’t willing to put the roof over our heads at risk. The other reason for this is 13 years ago he cheated on me so I was a bit wary.

I don’t know what to do. I am obviously wondering if he has someone else over there. He went from calling me every night to calling me during the day from work. I have queried this and he said it’s because we don’t have much to say to each other. This is true but I’ve told him I don’t have much to say because I’ve not been doing anything, there is nowhere to go here in the U.K. and nothing to .
We have 2 kids, 13 and 16. We own our home but have a small mortgage on it.

I don’t know what to do or say to him. The other night I asked him if he loved me enough or loved me the same as before. The reason I asked him this is because I’m thinking he must not love me or our child enough if he isn’t wanting to come home. He said he wasn’t answering that.
He said he is scared to speak to me incase he hurts me.

I’ve hardly slept, I’m not eating and constantly feel sick. I’m worried about the future for me and my child.

I’m also wondering if he is thinking he can have 2 separate lives, one over there and one here. I’m don’t think I trust him to be faithful and I have told him that. I just don’t know what to do.

I'd send him a text and tell him you've thought it through and decided that you're moving there, with the dc, to be with him.

@cannotholdatune

If I say to him I want to stay married but not with him living in another country he will say I’m blackmailing him and it’s not all about me. He will again say I’m telling him how to live his life.

Well he's telling you how to live your life, isn't he?

I know what I'd have to say. If he wants to do this then fine, but the marriage is over.

As others have said...take control of the situation but don't tell him what your plans are straight away. Make sure it benefits you and the kids first.

The surprise visit is something you should do if you can afford it. If not maybe suggest a romantic weekend to see what his reaction is.

Again plan things to suit you. He is being unreasonable. Get legal advice and fight for everything if you decide he's moved on.

I would tell him good don't bother coming back, the relationship is over.

You won't/can't lose a good man by taking back control.

OP have you got a friend or family member you can talk to? This must be a massive shock/so painful for you

Surprise visit is a bad idea. Don't humiliate yourself.

Personally I'd go ballistic and tell him it's over, change the locks

Oh OP I am really sorry. I have nothing to add reall except you really need to take care of yourself. He’s being an utter b***d

Assuming it is the ME - a surprise visit may not even be possible, eg Saudi and if he is there with OW he'll need to watch his back - literally as the authorities there aren't too impressed with adulterers.

He needs to come back and sort this out face to face.

Tell him not to bother coming home.

He's effectively ensuring he you have to stay celibate while he gets to do whatever/whoever he likes. Sad old bastard. Don't play along if this isn't what you want, you have a say in your own life too

I agree with PurpleMustang that whether he has another woman or not is not the first question here.

Either way, and even if he is as chaste as the driven snow, he has checked out of this marriage and decided unilaterally that your job is to stay and look after his kids so he can enjoy himself.

Where is your chance to get to decide what you want? Your choice is single parent or single parent.

I'd be getting the kids minded and hopping in a flight straight there to find out what the fuck was going on.

@cannotholdatune and you are not telling him how to live his life. It's your life together. Not separated

I had a friend through our children whose husband worked abroad- only came home a few times a year.

We were on holiday in the Far East and chatting to a a family on the beach. Turns out they worked for the same company in the same country and their children played with his young family! They also said her was married about obviously not legally!

Surely it's time you went out there to visit? Tell him you're booking a ticket to visit. If there's no one to look after the DC, tell him you'll bring them. You need a break, and you both need to talk.

and hugs.

I'm sorry but it definitely sounds like he's checked out and has already started moving on. He just doesn't have the guts to tell you and wants to keep you as his back up plan.

Honestly you and especially your children deserve so much more! They will also feel neglected by him. By the sounds of it apart from his odd call to you you've survived on your own without him for quite some time.
So you are much stronger than you think you are.

There is no way that I would be able to live the ways he wants you to. And you dont need to either, you are not happy. Let him live the life he's choosen and set yourself feel of the burden of his decision. I believe that decisions should be made together when you are married/a family, but he's even to selfish to think about you or the children. I would have no respect for him at all.

I know you must be feeling so awful right now, especially as you've been together so long, but please look after yourself. He's not worth you making yourself ill over xx

I am guessing he is further away than Europe if he can only make it home that infrequently.

I am an expat and I know of several set ups like this where the wives didn't settle so went back to UK and DH's flew back every weekend, or the family came here to visit. It's a small community and I know some are definitely faithful, dedicated family men. It can work out.

That said, they call their families very regularly and work incredibly long hours, so that they can fly over often.

It does sound like he has checked out mentally (although I wouldn't necessarily jump to the OW just yet. The bachelor lifestyle is also a great pull...)

He should not be making these decisions without you. Marriage is a series of compromises, as a couple and as a family. You don't have to give up on your dreams, but you do have a responsibility to consider your family at the same time. By not discussing this with you, he is not honouring his responsibilities and behaving like a selfish twat. This would piss me off the most.

Please start to put money away. £20 cash back here, there... it will soon add up. Seek legal advice. Get your ducks in a row. Read the script.

And observe very very carefully...

He has already left you, and is likely hoping you will make it easy for him and end it so that he won’t have to take responsibility for that.

Sorry OP, you need a face to face with a solicitor, then him

Thanks everyone I am reading all your comments. For those asking why we all didn’t go, he was only meant to be going for 6 weeks, then it got extended. He is meant to be coming home before Christmas.

He isn’t in the Middle East but in Europe.

Say the divorce letter are being sorted, get ducks ready.

He should never have asked to stay abroad without discussion with you first.

He sounds like he is enjoying the single life free of family responsibilities.

Has he did how this will effect his dc? How they will feel about it?
Or is it all about him?

I'm so sorry OP. I agree with a PP that whether or not he's playing away isn't the principal thing here - he can't just decide unilaterally that this is what you'll be doing. That isn't the action of a person committed to their relationship. He has checked out.

My parents were like this - from the time I was 13 my dad took job after job away. He continues to do so, and I'm now 34! He and my mum are rarely in the same country together for more than two weeks. I've no idea what he gets up to but I suspect that he is too guilt-ridden to leave my mum, who is not the most pleasant sort to live with, so does this instead. When I was young I assumed he had to do it, that there were no jobs for him near home. It was only years later that the ball dropped.