Husband says he doesn’t want to come home

[cannotholdatune]

DH has been working abroad for 4 months. Today he has told me he has spoken to his boss and asked for a transfer to permanently stay in the country he is working in. There was no discussion with me about it.

He said he doesn’t think it will happen, but I’m now left with feeling he will only be coming home to us because he has to, and we are a backup plan. He has said he doesn’t want to split and will come home every 4 weeks for a long weekend.

I’m not happy with this, he went from dreading going away saying he didn’t know how he would cope being away from me for that long to saying he doesn’t want to come back to the U.K.

I think he sees another guy who he works with coming home every 4 weeks for a long weekend and thinks, he can do that, but this guy doesn’t have a family here in the U.K., well he has a son, but he isn’t with his sons mother.

We have been married for 35 years (we got married very young) so he’s over there working then going out every night with his work colleagues.

We were talking the other night and he told me he doesn’t know what he wants because he’s been too busy trying to give me everything he wants. He has wanted to move abroad before and I didn’t and this is why he is saying this, he wanted to remortgage the house and buy property to rent out but I didn’t want to do this as I wasn’t willing to put the roof over our heads at risk. The other reason for this is 13 years ago he cheated on me so I was a bit wary.

I don’t know what to do. I am obviously wondering if he has someone else over there. He went from calling me every night to calling me during the day from work. I have queried this and he said it’s because we don’t have much to say to each other. This is true but I’ve told him I don’t have much to say because I’ve not been doing anything, there is nowhere to go here in the U.K. and nothing to .
We have 2 kids, 13 and 16. We own our home but have a small mortgage on it.

I don’t know what to do or say to him. The other night I asked him if he loved me enough or loved me the same as before. The reason I asked him this is because I’m thinking he must not love me or our child enough if he isn’t wanting to come home. He said he wasn’t answering that.
He said he is scared to speak to me incase he hurts me.

I’ve hardly slept, I’m not eating and constantly feel sick. I’m worried about the future for me and my child.

I’m also wondering if he is thinking he can have 2 separate lives, one over there and one here. I’m don’t think I trust him to be faithful and I have told him that. I just don’t know what to do.

Find out more. Take him at face value on the surface then start digging. Sounds like there might be another woman.

He sounds like a pretty horrible person. He's most definitely cheating on you, but the worst thing in my eyes is that he has more or less abandoned his children. At a time when they are teenagers and vulnerable and need their dad. This is unforgivable.

I'd hire a solicitor and go after him and be really nasty to him. Don't make this easy for him.

@cannotholdatune

You would not be 'telling him how to live his life' - you'd be telling him how you're not prepared to live yours.

I'm sorry this is happening.

He went from calling me every night to calling me during the day from work.

cherchez la femme indeed
Sorry 😞

I'm sorry OP. This happened to my ex-NDN, her husband accepted a three year contract in the Middle Easy, extended it to five years, been gone over seven years now and there is another woman on the scene.

Husband hardly comes back to England now, luckily the kids are now adults and look after their mum as they feel that their dad is no longer interested in them as well.

Middle East

Honestly I'd get my ducks in a row and be preparing for divorce.

He wants his freedom and easy life out there and to turn up for family life once per month.

He's made his decision! Even if he doesn't get his contract extended I would be exploring my options.

Oh but ultimately, whatever his reasons, let him go. If he’s going with a long weekend every four weeks through his own choice then he has already checked out of the marriage, household and commitment to his children. You don’t want someone who doesn’t want you, that’s a basic.

He will have to support his children. Make sure he does.

Is he English?

Have you considered calling his bluff and saying that as you can't find work, your'll all come!

[quote SignOnTheWindow]@cannotholdatune

You would not be 'telling him how to live his life' - you'd be telling him how you're not prepared to live yours.

I'm sorry this is happening.[/quote]
This.

I couldn't stay with someone who unilaterally decided they only wanted to see their teenage children twelve times a year, let alone the other stuff he's done (cheating, not reassuring you he loves you, stopping calling like before etc).

I would be paying him a surprise visit!

OP I worked away from home for 18 months (before DC) and it was awesome. I didn’t have to do any of the day to day drudge of life, work paid for everything, laundry, food, transport. Went out with work colleagues, probably 5 nights a week. I was with my (now DH). I didn’t cheat but I also didn’t come home much.

I appreciate the differences but I wanted to add the perspective that he might just be enjoying himself. I’m not saying that’s ok to leave you doing all the work with your DC but I wouldn’t automatically leap to affair either. Do you want to maintain a relationship with someone you see once a month? You have a choice.

Sounds like another woman unfortunately. He wants to have his cake and eat it. I’d be planning a new life for you and your children.

He wants to maintain the advantages that being married gives him whilst at the same time having the benefits of being single, ie no commitments or obligations.
I think I would just humor him and stitch the bastard up

Look after yourself, and put your needs and those of your children, first.

Take some time, talk to friends and family. Try to find a support group of people who will care for you.

Easier said than done, I know, but this is a time to protect your own interests.

You will get through this, even though that probably isn't obvious now. We all do.

So he's trying to make you feel guilty for 'telling him how to live his life' while conveniently forgetting that you are the one dealing with the hard work and responsibility of raising children to facilitate his foreign contract. Why is his life worth so much more than yours that it needs to be lived without his wife even being able to question him?! And what about his children?

It sounds miserable for you, OP, and I appreciate that this is a completely new turn of events which is going to take some processing, but from the outside, he looks like a total shit who has had his head turned by freedom/lack of responsibility/probably another woman at least in the sidelines and is trying to avoid having to actually take responsibility for his decisions.

I can't imagine how hard it must be to consider ending the marriage, but he has effectively done half the work by deciding to live in another country. At least you have time and breathing space to think about what you want - when is he due back next?

I would pretend to be the fool that he thinks you are, and let him find out the hard way that you are not.
He is being strategic and calculating...you need to out maneuver him

What will he do when his transfer request gets denied?

Play him for time, ducks in a row, then surprise visit (Covid permitting).

Stay strong, I can imagine exactly what is happening over there sadly (if you get there and it's not like that then talk about your future).

His comments on how you are dictating things are gaslighting.

@Yohoheaveho

I would pretend to be the fool that he thinks you are, and let him find out the hard way that you are not. He is being strategic and calculating...you need to out maneuver him

couldn't agree more

he's living the high life while you pick up all the childcare, looking for a job, cleaning, bill managing in the UK. He's out every night having a whale of a time. Sees his mate swanning back once a month and thinks that will work for me.

Don't let him take the piss.

I’m so sorry you are in this awful situation. My brother did exactly this to his wife. It was shocking.

In the end she told him to either come home within two weeks or their marriage was over. He did come back. While my brother was away he seemed to ‘forget’ about his commitments at home...it was like my SIL didn’t exist. He had got used to living a single life.

But, as @OfTheNight says...he does not get the sole say on things so take back some control here. He has forgotten you can make decisions too. Make them. Call the shots.

Take care of yourself.

I'm so sorry OP what a wretched thing to do to you after 35 years.

I agree with GeorgiaGirl52, it sounds like he has a new life which doesn't involve you, but monthly visits are cheaper than divorce. You don't have to be the passive victim though.

He's left you, he just doesn't want to divorce yet.

I wouldn't hang about for him to "decide what he wants" - fuck that noise - you don't get to move to another country unilaterally and then turn around and say you're the one being unreasonable. Such bollocks.

Take control, tell him you're done and get on with your life without him. He basically wants you as a safety net and to opt out of family life and married life apart from when it suits him. Again, fuck that noise.

Whether or not there’s another woman who knows - but he wants to live the single life and isn’t committed to you . I’d take some legal advice if I was you - good luck OP .

I'd reply " I agree on certain conditions. You must immediately pay off our mortgage and assign sole ownership of the house to me. When you return to UK each month it will only be to spend time with the children, not me, and of course, not here. You will stay at a hotel. All property and financial agreements will be conducted via our lawyer, paid by you."

See how he likes a no-discussion ultimatum