Husband says he doesn’t want to come home

[cannotholdatune]

DH has been working abroad for 4 months. Today he has told me he has spoken to his boss and asked for a transfer to permanently stay in the country he is working in. There was no discussion with me about it.

He said he doesn’t think it will happen, but I’m now left with feeling he will only be coming home to us because he has to, and we are a backup plan. He has said he doesn’t want to split and will come home every 4 weeks for a long weekend.

I’m not happy with this, he went from dreading going away saying he didn’t know how he would cope being away from me for that long to saying he doesn’t want to come back to the U.K.

I think he sees another guy who he works with coming home every 4 weeks for a long weekend and thinks, he can do that, but this guy doesn’t have a family here in the U.K., well he has a son, but he isn’t with his sons mother.

We have been married for 35 years (we got married very young) so he’s over there working then going out every night with his work colleagues.

We were talking the other night and he told me he doesn’t know what he wants because he’s been too busy trying to give me everything he wants. He has wanted to move abroad before and I didn’t and this is why he is saying this, he wanted to remortgage the house and buy property to rent out but I didn’t want to do this as I wasn’t willing to put the roof over our heads at risk. The other reason for this is 13 years ago he cheated on me so I was a bit wary.

I don’t know what to do. I am obviously wondering if he has someone else over there. He went from calling me every night to calling me during the day from work. I have queried this and he said it’s because we don’t have much to say to each other. This is true but I’ve told him I don’t have much to say because I’ve not been doing anything, there is nowhere to go here in the U.K. and nothing to .
We have 2 kids, 13 and 16. We own our home but have a small mortgage on it.

I don’t know what to do or say to him. The other night I asked him if he loved me enough or loved me the same as before. The reason I asked him this is because I’m thinking he must not love me or our child enough if he isn’t wanting to come home. He said he wasn’t answering that.
He said he is scared to speak to me incase he hurts me.

I’ve hardly slept, I’m not eating and constantly feel sick. I’m worried about the future for me and my child.

I’m also wondering if he is thinking he can have 2 separate lives, one over there and one here. I’m don’t think I trust him to be faithful and I have told him that. I just don’t know what to do.

For me the turnaround after 4 months is strangely quick. Did you ever see his initial contract that says 6 weeks? He may have been seeing this woman (sorry but I'd be quite sure that's the case too) for a long time now and has moved to be with her.

And I second the posters saying look into the bank accounts, all the evidence will be there. If you have your name on any account jointly, get in touch with the bank and get access.

He doesn't want to split? Well boo-bloody-hoo.

I'm so sorry to hear your 'D'H has treated you like this OP. There's nothing more I can add to what's already been said, other than please remember your actions must make it very clear to your child/children that men just do not get to treat women like this any more.

Wishing you all the best.

Well, this relationship is over. He's trying to avoid telling you this as he wants to avoid a divorce settlement until he has retired. There might not even be another woman - from what you've said it sounds as though there have been very clear signs before that he wanted out.

Very similar to my story OP. My DH worked abroad for what should have been temporary, and he came home every 2 months for 1 month. We had DCs. He rang me at first every evening, and messaged. After 12 months he suddenly stopped calling unless I called him. He said he wanted to carry on working over there, sounded like he’d got new friends and a new life. Started laying the blame at my door as I had had the opportunity to go and live over there at the beginning but didn’t want to as my father was terminally Ill. It turned out he had met someone else over there and abandoned me and the DCs totally. Not even coming back home to see them. I would certainly be suspicious if I was you.

It sounds like he’s having his cake and eating it - living the single life, care free abroad and then coming home to do his ‘duty’ with you and the kids when he feels like it.

I’d suspect another woman or the temptation of one especially with previous history of cheating

This would be an absolute deal breaker for me- he’s either committed to your family or he’s no

Additionally when he wouldn’t say he loved you, my first thought was that he’s purposefully not saying it so he can claim he never lied about saying he loved you etc when he eventually asks for separation

I’m guessing another women.

He’s also said he doesn’t want to talk because he want want to hurt you. It’s because what he’s got to say isn’t good. He’s not in this marriage anymore.

He wants to split and this is his way or breaking it to you.

Doesn’t want to hurt you*

@cannotholdatune

If I say to him I want to stay married but not with him living in another country he will say I’m blackmailing him and it’s not all about me. He will again say I’m telling him how to live his life.

And?

There's some pretty big double standards here. He is telling YOU how to live your life by making this decision without consulting you first.

This is how much he respects you.

He doesn't care about the marriage or you. He's just looking for a way to blame you for his decisions.

Your marriage is already over. It is just a matter of how long it takes for you to work this out now.

The worst example I saw was a guy who was a senior doctor in Riyadh, been married to his wife for 16 years. She lived out there with him, their daughter went to boarding school. However that didn't stop him having his Filipina bit on the side. She was a hospital colleague but basically hospital admin. She went back to the Philippines and he was sending her money every month (supposedly because he had found out how poor she was now and he felt moved to help her etc). One day a few months after, his wife was getting ready to catch a plane to come back to the UK to pick their daughter up from school when he came to the bedroom, told her to take all of her expensive gold jewellery out of her luggage and 'to leave it all here because it is safer' then drove her to the airport and let her leave. When she got to this side, the credit cards had been cancelled, no bank accounts here, no house here and the bastard left his wife and daughter destitute.he let his wife get on the plane knowing exactly what he was going to do to her but kept smiling as he did it. The lady ended up living in a grotty bedsit and having to re-housed by the council. She lost all her photos, clothing, jewellery, the home she had carried like a snail on her back for years and having to live on a pittance. They found out he left Saudi but could get no further information. All bank accounts emptied. Like he had just fallen off the face of the earth. We think he had a child with that Filipina woman and that he went to live with her. His daughter found him again recently on LinkedIn, lecturing as an associate professor part time in NYC. She sent him a message via the LinkedIn messaging service and the bastard blocked her. She literally grew up terribly damaged by his selfishness, believing there must be something wrong with her because her dad didn't want her etc. It was so shocking and callous Please look after yourself in every way.

Call his bluff and say you'll move to gauge his reaction. Risky and underhand but maybe worth it? I would start trying to FaceTime him in the evenings too just because!

get your ducks in a row OPfinance etc

give him divorce papers. He has checked out. Don't give him the power here, he already has done the dirty on you once, and cheated.

Honestly as PP have said it’s shark mode time!

If you aren’t prepared to spend your life waiting for crumbs of his time, and trust me you are worth far more than that - you need to act fast.

Get into shark mode, gather every scrap of financial information you can, go see a SHL secure half of as much cash / savings etc as you can and divorce him for unreasonable behaviour!

Do it quickly before he can get transferred to a local contract and no longer being paid into a UK bank.

If you haven't got a job and life is boring etc then why not move over there? At the very least call his bluff and say that you're going to. His reaction to that will tell you everything you need to know.

@carly2803

get your ducks in a row OPfinance etc

give him divorce papers. He has checked out. Don't give him the power here, he already has done the dirty on you once, and cheated.

Spot on! What carly said. Not only has he cheated on you before but he did it while your DC2 was tiny (you said they’re 13 and he cheated 13 years ago)

It might not be another woman. It could nust as easily be he is a selfish arse enjoying the single life a little too much.

It might not be another woman.

It's always another woman, or the possibility/ anticipation of one.

Do you love him?

Thanks everyone, I haven’t spoken to anyone in real life yet.

To the people asking

I previously worked in a bridal shop, that’s what I’ve done since I left school worked in some kind of retail.

We had out kids late in life, I struggled to fall pregnant, and then when we had basically given up, we fell pregnant with my son, and then my daughter.

His employer is based worldwide. I dint think his boss will let him stay abroad permanently, but as people have said the damage is already done.

Yes Happydays, I do love him, very much.

Sounds like he wants a new life. As you dont, time to split.

I can imagne right now you don't know what to think. It's easy for us to sit here and say LTB but much harder when it's your whole life you know?

So, what I'd say is don't make any decisions yet - whether you divorce him and take him for everything or whether you let him home and pretend this was a blip, my advice to you is the same - make your decisions from a position of strength, not one of weakness. So by that I mean gather all your paperwork and talk to a lawyer. Just talk. Get your information and inform him that while he was deciding his future, you were deciding yours, and his divorce paperwork will be forwarded to his lawyer shortly. If you do decide to take him back, then it's on your terms and conditions, not his. So yes, make that decision from a position of strength, not weakness.

@StephenBelafonte

chercez le femme

That would have been even more wonderfully witty and pithy if you'd actually managed to spell more than one of the words correctly.

Just to give other view point... He has wanted things within the relationship.. He wanted you to all move abroad... You said no, he wanted to buy rental property.. You said no... If he wants to stay in current job... He is afraid you'll say no... Its not unreasonable to think he didn't want to discuss it with you cus he knew you'd be negative.
It might be that he really enjoys the job, it's better paid, better promotion potential, good career move etc... I think it's unfair to say he is being completely selfish.. The same could be said of the op as she seems to have had sole decision on various aspects of their lives so far.
If a woman was saying "I wanted to do xyz but my dh said no" we'd be saying that's controlling and abusive.

He probably already has another life which is why he wants to stay there. He doesn’t want to split because he doesn’t want the hassle of divorce, selling the house etc.., he also wants a safety net incase his new life goes tits up.

Nunotheother - they don't teach French like they used to - you beat me to it!