Husband says he doesn’t want to come home

[cannotholdatune]

DH has been working abroad for 4 months. Today he has told me he has spoken to his boss and asked for a transfer to permanently stay in the country he is working in. There was no discussion with me about it.

He said he doesn’t think it will happen, but I’m now left with feeling he will only be coming home to us because he has to, and we are a backup plan. He has said he doesn’t want to split and will come home every 4 weeks for a long weekend.

I’m not happy with this, he went from dreading going away saying he didn’t know how he would cope being away from me for that long to saying he doesn’t want to come back to the U.K.

I think he sees another guy who he works with coming home every 4 weeks for a long weekend and thinks, he can do that, but this guy doesn’t have a family here in the U.K., well he has a son, but he isn’t with his sons mother.

We have been married for 35 years (we got married very young) so he’s over there working then going out every night with his work colleagues.

We were talking the other night and he told me he doesn’t know what he wants because he’s been too busy trying to give me everything he wants. He has wanted to move abroad before and I didn’t and this is why he is saying this, he wanted to remortgage the house and buy property to rent out but I didn’t want to do this as I wasn’t willing to put the roof over our heads at risk. The other reason for this is 13 years ago he cheated on me so I was a bit wary.

I don’t know what to do. I am obviously wondering if he has someone else over there. He went from calling me every night to calling me during the day from work. I have queried this and he said it’s because we don’t have much to say to each other. This is true but I’ve told him I don’t have much to say because I’ve not been doing anything, there is nowhere to go here in the U.K. and nothing to .
We have 2 kids, 13 and 16. We own our home but have a small mortgage on it.

I don’t know what to do or say to him. The other night I asked him if he loved me enough or loved me the same as before. The reason I asked him this is because I’m thinking he must not love me or our child enough if he isn’t wanting to come home. He said he wasn’t answering that.
He said he is scared to speak to me incase he hurts me.

I’ve hardly slept, I’m not eating and constantly feel sick. I’m worried about the future for me and my child.

I’m also wondering if he is thinking he can have 2 separate lives, one over there and one here. I’m don’t think I trust him to be faithful and I have told him that. I just don’t know what to do.

I think there are a lot more complicated things at play here, but I’m wondering why didn’t you all move together when he got the job? Was that something he wanted or you or both?

I just read 'he will say I'm telling him how to live his life'
He sounds like a complete prick
You DO get some say in how he lives his life because he has a family and responsibilities. Who is doing all the parenting while he's away? YOU. He made a committment to you and your kids and he can't just drop everything and move abroad without even consulting you.
For me this would have been over when he announced he was moving without even discussing it with you.
Like a pp said, go into shark mode - get your finances sorted, see a solicitor. Don't beg him to come back. Next time you speak, just say something like 'I found it very hurtful that you wouldn't even say that you loved me last time we spoke, and I have concluded from this that you don't want our relationship to continue. The fact that you are also wanting to move permanently away from us as your family also shows that you are not interested in being a big part of our lives. I have contacted a solicitor and suggest you do the same'

This isn't just about his life though. He chose to get married and have a child. You are a unit. He can't make decisions like that for the unit. Tbh he is clearly enjoying the single man lifestyle without family responsibilities or stress. Whether there's another woman or not he wants to have the best of both worlds. Personally I would either move with him or he needs to come back - why the hell should you be the sole carer for the kids whilst he is galavanting about having a great time. Tbh though I don't think he wants to be in the relationship anymore - he is just finding it easier to make this suggestion than face the discussion around divorce

Oh my lovely he's already left you and hasn't the balls to say it.

He's living abroad as if he's single;there's no parenting or husbandly duties he has to do;his free time is his own,he has his own routine,new friends etc

He's essentially now sending you maintenance in terms of money from his salary and the coming home once a month for 3 nights is basically access to see the kids like his friend sees his kid.

He asked for a permanent position over there;it's not as though his work has asked him to.It's doesn't strike me as the action of a man with a wife and 2 kids he wants to be with.

You say you've been married 35 years and you married young.I'm guessing he's mid 50's?,could he be having a midlife crisis?

How's your marriage been in the last few years in general?,you've mentioned an affair so he has form for cheating.

The other thing that grabs me is that you eldest is 16 meaning you've were married a long time prior to having kids.Was you husband receptive to the idea of becoming a dad as he doesn't sound like he's a hands on dad if he's away for a long time and wants to live out there alone.Has he ever really been involved with your DC or have you always been the one who does everything?

You're in shock, take your time to decide what YOU want. You don't have to be his back up plan or his person to come hole to every 4 weeks. You can choose to leave him and start afresh.

Tbh it sounds like he's already checked out of the marriage and he can't be that close to his kids if he's happy to see them every 4 weeks.

Don't think on the financial side, that will work its way out. Out that to one side and excise what you want.

Personally I couldn't stay married to someone who was happy to see me for a long weekend every 4 weeks. I'd seek legal advice, get yourself in a position of knowledge and tell him that regardless of whether his request is granted or not, your filing for divorce.

We have been married for 35 years (we got married very young) so he’s over there working then going out every night with his work colleagues.

This is what is keeping him there I suspect, the chance to act like he doesn't have a family while having a family and reliving what he thinks he missed out on as a young man.

Another woman? Maybe but I suspect he likes the freedom he never experienced and wants to carry on with that lifestyle.

Sorry this is happening to you

CandyLeBonBon it’s 2 children we have.

@cannotholdatune

If I say to him I want to stay married but not with him living in another country he will say I’m blackmailing him and it’s not all about me. He will again say I’m telling him how to live his life.

Would you consider moving over there? I know you’ve said that you didn’t want to before, but things can change. You asked if he loves you enough to come back, do you love him enough to go there?

One weekend a month for years isnt much of a marriage tbh.
I would ask him to make a decision on what he wants. A family/marriage/relationship or living the life he has always wanted abroad.
He wants his cake and eat it. That’s not fair on you. Simple as that.

And if he thinks, it’s blackmail. Tough. The other way to look would be that he is imposing his lifestyle choices on you and blackmailing you....

He said he wasn't answering your question about whether he loves you. That tells you everything you need to know.

Oh dear, sorry OP. I agree that although it's pretty likely there is another woman, that's weirdly not the main issue here.

Just the fact that he could make a unilateral decision like that and tell you after the fact is absolutely rubbish. Don't leave this decision up to him. Don't 'tell him how to live his life'. Just make your own decisions for you and inform him what they are.

I wouldn't stick about for this, it's so incredibly dismissive and disrespectful of him to make a decision like that without any discussion.

He's going out everynight and living like he's simple while you are at home stuck with 100% of the parenting/household responsibilities.

Of course he wants you to agree to live like this. Suits him just fine, doesn't it.

I'd start interviewing good divorce lawyers.

This is a hard one op. My oh works offshore and has done so for 13 years. He comes home either for a week every month or a long weekend every month depending on the job. We have 3 children. Your oh should definitely not be making this decision without consulting you, but it doesn’t necessarily mean he’s got another woman out there. If I were you I’d call his bluff and tell him if he prefers living in the country he’s in, then you’ll move out there with the children so you don’t have to live apart. His reaction will tell you whether he just likes the lifestyle out there, or if he’s trying to check out of family life

Honestly Bluntness a complete mistake we have 2 children.

Well he said he wanted to move abroad and now he has. Whether he already has a new woman or he’s working on it, I think the general point is clear.

I’d get a solicitor and figure out a divorce plan.

At least he owes you to come home and discus properly and tell dc.
Get your affairs in order and prepare for a bumpy ride.
So sorry, if you have the strength give him an ultimatum, don't let him off lightly

This exact circumstance happened with my parents and my dad had a ow in the country. He also moved the family savings overseas so my mum didn't have her rightful share in the divorce.

My dad was a good christian man on the surface. Protect yourself financially immediately.

Op in your shoes I would smile and say ok that's fine, sounds good. Then I would start a college/ university course ASAP to get some sort of qualification to boost your earning ability. Squirrel away enough money to see you and the kids going for a a few months and then you have a back up plan.

He has another woman. It's blatantly obvious if he has cheated on you previously. In your shoes I would seriously be taking legal advice on the quiet and seeing what I could expect to get in a divorce settlement. How much have you worked? How much has been caring for his children? What's his/your pension like??

Just going to say it as it is, if I were you the marriage would be over. The family isn't his back up plan, he would be told that pretty sharpish and he wouldn't be calling the shots

@Bluntness100

I’m also confused, you say you’ve two kids then say you’re worried about you and your child singular, that’s not an easy mistake to make.

Maybe she's trying to keep some details to herself?

I’m reading everyone’s post. It was a genuine mistake we have 2 childfen

Definitely another woman. He is already playing house over there. He doesn't want to get a divorce because then he will have no excuse not to marry her. Probably telling her he is asking for a divorce and you are refusing. You are his safety net.
See a lawyer. File for divorce on grounds of desertion. Make sure he pays off the mortgage and puts the house in your name. Also considering how long you have been married, see what part of his pension/insurance/retirement package you are entitled to.
Then be prepared for him to come scampering home. Close the door on him and let him enjoy his freedom in a rented room because you have changed the locks and moved on.

He's effectively left you OP. Take charge of the situation.