Just found out about H EA

[Rollercoasteride]

Hi all

H left me on Sunday, said his feelings had changed..he admitted today that he was having an EA with a work colleague and he loves her.
He has seen her twice since March lowdown..and that was with his team. All communication is done on Teams. He says nothing else has happened yet. He reckons he has feelings since lockdown as they knew they be apart
Is he for real??

NO I did not want this to happen, you checked out, you told me you didn't love me, & that with or without OW you were leaving. You orchestrated this whole shit show, own it

He has mega stash in pensions, Do not give it all to him.

You wrote this:
"He even said even if it wasn't for OW if that was even a thing, he still wasn't happy and would have left".

he needs to remember where this all came from. Tosser

Yes I will have to look into the pension. I was trying to say to him I have been working part time due to childcare, but he attacked me then saying he had done school runs etc.
Me working PT enabled him to work away etc
I sit back and think he had changed so much, a completely different person. I don't recognise him anymore.

I've decided for my own sanity to block him on SM and WhatsApp.
We were sending to many messages, rowing, it was seriously affecting me. He said not to shut him out, what a load of BS.
I feel like a weight has been lifted.
He can talk to DS on his own phone. If he needs me he can email or ring the landline.
We agreed he could see DS on Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday. But now he says its not enough. I think that's fair, when he has no home of his own.

Don't let him set the rules. You have set up a schedule of contact that is fair. He can stick to it. I would only reply to emails. Means you have everything documented too.

Any set contact now can be seen as "working" if thrashed out in court.

@MadeForThis good point about it being documented. Even though I have blocked him, he still contacted me twice on the landline about Xmas!

I feel so much better blocking him, checking to see if he read my message, knowing another rant ways on its way, I was just as bad, it was driving me crazy. I feel it was a positive move forwards.

He said don't cut me out...he doesn't want me to think he has buggered off to his friends care free. He said he has responsibilities to our home and DS...last weekend he offered to wash my car! He has said he would still pay for holidays because it will benefit DS.
I know he would love to move back in as 'friends', he wants to wait 2 years for a divorce.
I have had legal advice, which shocked him I think.
I said how would all this work? Him giving me money for holidays etc if he met someone...he said its not up to them what he does with his money. How could we ever move on properly?
Needless to say its not happening..I don't think its me with the problem moving on, its him, I don't think he can let go!

@Mix56 good point. I think its fair for everyone too

Your doing so well Roller - space and little contact is important for you so you can process your feelings.
Keep up your boundaries and file for divorce.
If you have a flat can he not move there?

You are doing really well. The solicitors will be packed in Jan. Can you take advice and start the process now? Don't agree / offer anything about the house / flat until you're sure.

@Whydidimarryhim thanks for your kind words.
There is a tenant living in the property at the moment, so we also want to be fair on him, with covid it will take time. I imagine that's where he will end up. Its furnished also, so won't need to much, plus the mortgage is cheap. Its about 30mins away from here.

@Cantreasonwithunreasonable thanks. I spoke to a solicitor yesterday, they said the best thing is to try to agree as much as we can without intervention.
I need to see how much his pension is worth and shares. Then we need to look at the values closely. I am definitely not waiting 2 years to divorce x

Christmas is possibly acting as a bit of a pacifier for him. In the cold light of January when he realises he is destined for the flat, as a result of his own selfishness, he will become unbearably unreasonable, esp. when ASD has to come to your son from somewhere...
Check out my username, you might want to start saying this to yourself!!
Definitely ask his pension company to give you a CETV transfer value now, for the purposes of divorce. It took mine over 3 months to come back with the info.
And yes, phone Child Maintenance today. It cannot be backdated, will cost you £20 to set up but then in the New Year when times are hard, it will arrive. You need to be able to support your son. You and he have done nothing wrong.

[quote Rollercoasteride]@C0NNIE not he won't be coming here anymore. I put my foot down last night, it don't think I could be clearer.

I think I need this divorce. A fresh start, so everyone knows where they stand.

I have asked for the house, in return he can have our flat, keep his shares and pension. I think its a fair deal...his pension is worth alot more than mine.[/quote]
Having been there I would offer you some pieces of advice - he must not come to the house without notice and definitely not when you are not there ( if he has a key) .

The solicitor is correct in that it costs less if you try to agree things on your own however DO listen to any advice they say .

Do not take equity in lieu of pensions etc without proper investigation . Do not accept his word as to what his pension is . You are entitled to one free CETV each year . He will have to request this . It can take a while ( months) to come . You should do the same with yours . Both of you should also get a Gov Pension Forecast .You can do this online . Only then can you line these up side by side and see the values . You should also get your properties valued ( x 3) and a clear statement with the equity of each . This will all go onto a Form E . There is a lot of work involved in divorce but it is worth it . He has chosen his path and you can now look forward to a better one . No one thinks this will happen to them but it is so common now .

It is common to think all kinds of things about people in this event - they have MH problems, they have had a breakdown , it is a midlife crisis etc . It really doesn't matter - they have made their choice . It is also very common to wonder "what will happen to me ? will anyone else want me ?" It's a natural reaction . I hope your Christmas works out OK for you .

www.blbsolicitors.co.uk/blog/fightingforthemaritalhome/

@Cantreasonwithunreasonable thank you so much for the advice.
I am hoping he will pay me for the month on Monday..he said you don't need to worry about money, my reply was I didn't think I needed to worry about him and someone else...but look where we are now?
I will look at child maintenance. I am just so thankful that I work. My wage can just about cover everything.
Been looking at my pension today, he is seeing DS later, I will ask him then (wish me luck) x

@VivaMiltonKeynes thank you so much for the advice.

I will make sure he doesn't turn up randomly.

Yes I will get all the information about his pension, I think my original offer of me having the house only, was abit generous.
I need to gather all the finance information together and go from there.

I just can't believe what he has done and said to me, I will never be able to forgive him for this. How ill he has made me feel. Even if he has MH issues, the damage is done.

You are being commendably strong, OP, because it really does seem like he's lobbed a grenade into your marriage for no good reason. Did he even have an EA with this woman or is it all in his mind??? I do suspect he's going to wake up one day and think "WTF have I done?" but thankfully you'll be well moved on by then.

Check your own state pension too and see if there are any gaps.

Re CETVs, they are often used but often don't give the true picture of what his pension would be worth.

Also, re offsetting value of the matrimonial home against his pension value, be careful. See the PAG report around this and W v H:

www.pumpcourtchambers.com/2020/05/01/w-v-h-divorce-financial-remedies-2020-ewfc-b10/

@ThelmaNotLouise ah thanks.

He will justify his actions saying we spoke this time last year and things weren't right, no they weren't, my mum had suddenly died, we were in our eyeballs in debt (thankfully thats sorted) and I had health issues.
That weekend we discussed trying to make things work, then DS was rushed into hospital and went into anaphylaxis shock.
The following month I had surgery then it was lockdown.
When I messaged OW she said sorry she didn't mean it (I didn't tell her exactly what I knew)..he reckons she told her boss she did have 'feelings' but to what extent i do not know. All I know she cut contact with him and is still with her husband.
Its all ridiculous really, he hasn't seen her in 4 months, like I said only twice since lockdown in March.
Yes I am sure you are right, he will realise what he has lost one day..he reckons no one cares, well he has lost the person who actually did, idiot x

I predict a back track in his attitude when he realises he's got no woman left. He'll try to come back OP and tell you he was foolish and he only wants you.

Dont fall for it.

Don’t discuss financials until you’ve had good legal advice!

@MrsGulDukat things have already started to turn already.

We had a row last night, I had a million and one jobs in needed to do after work and he was late picking DS up.

He brought DS back, I just burst into tears (lucky DS was unaware and had gone inside), I had to run upstairs out of the way so H followed. I said I couldn't do this anymore, the rows, its making me ill.

He then burst into tears, saying he is 36 and WTF is going on with his life. He has had dark thoughts. He has been living day to day for a very long time, hasn't thought of the consequences, can't look at the future ever.
Like PP have said, I told him, I can see him being a lonely old man in the flat on his own, as he only has his one friend. I said he wouldn't be welcome in the office anymore..he say why?
My reply was he wfh (his new job), he doesn't work on the team, everyone on his team will know, OW husband best friend works on the team, plus OW husband works in the building. (This is how short sighted he is).

He misses DS and his life here (he said it was boring)..he said he was unhappy and so was I....one day when this blows over we will all be happy!

He would love to live here with me...but I am in different place lol (not happening)

He spoke to his brother for the first time, he told him he couldn't come here nor except to live here. Which I am glad he said it to H.

I know the pain - mental and physical - and it IS totally shit but it will lessen . Encounters like this only serve to make it worse . You just need to be clear in your mind now - what do you want to do ? Go it alone or take him back ? If it is the first then minimal contact and keep contact factual - what is going to happen, arrangements etc . I will only say that my first H was like this - "stop and start" about our marriage over a period of time and despite pleading to stay (and I gave him that chance) he once again did the dirty on me . If it is the first you also need to stop thinking of him as someone you care about - his future is what he makes it . There really is no point in telling him he will end up a lonely old man - why are you even saying this ? In case he thinks "Oh shit yeah I better stay " ? He's not your support and he doesn't have your back . He has put himself first . After saying that though all of what you are saying and feeling is perfectly normal and you do just have to roll with it . I hope you have a better day today .

@VivaMiltonKeynes thanks so much your your advice.

Today has not been a day to think straight. I've been to the doctors and he has given me some anti depressants so hopefully that will kick in soon.

The start of the mine and H problems were that we had 2 rounds of IVF which failed. One embryo is in the freezer.
I told MIL 2 days ago that I need to pay the embryo storage fee. I said my head was all over the place. She said she didn't blame me.
Then today me and H both get a text of her saying BIL told her last night he was having a baby (its still early days)...me and H don't like his brother and have nothing to do with him, so telling us so early like this was really instenstive. When she knows what we have been through and going through.
Its caused us both to be upset this afternoon...its not even because of the baby, we wouldn't see it anyway, but its her insensitivity. She even said sorry if this upsets you.
Arghh tomorrow is a new day x