Just found out about H EA

[Rollercoasteride]

Hi all

H left me on Sunday, said his feelings had changed..he admitted today that he was having an EA with a work colleague and he loves her.
He has seen her twice since March lowdown..and that was with his team. All communication is done on Teams. He says nothing else has happened yet. He reckons he has feelings since lockdown as they knew they be apart
Is he for real??

Sounds like he had created a fantasy life in his head where him and ow live happily ever after.

Just sit back and watch him crash and burn.

@MadeForThis I knew it was coming. I actually feel sorry for him...as in how pathetic is now.

You will feel sorry for him because a) love doesn’t just die overnight and b) you’re a nice person.

However he’s an adult and has made this choice. It’s not your job to rescue him. Don’t get sucked in. Focus on making your own life fabulous because it will be.

Ah really struggling tonight....was really positive this morning, what will be will be etc...but the post arrived this morning with a bill from another years storage for the frozen embryo we have (I was hoping to try again in the new year).
It has really knocked me for six...obviously I am not in the right place, I need to think hard about what to do, so will pay the storage fees.
H said obviously he isn't in the right place to discuss it, and didn't know what to do..he said he thought I would never forgive him if we destroyed the embryo and said he couldn't stop me if I wanted to use it.
But I said to him, if I did (and it worked), we would be tied togther even more....I couldn't afford to live on my own and cut my hours or pay for childcare without him, it totally irresponsible..it makes me think that he is even more crazy!

Pay the bill and give yourself space

I'm so sorry! That must've been really hard.
I hope you're ok xx

Thanks both..yes I will pay the bill and put it to the back of my mind for now.
I can't cope with thinking about the embryo at the moment.
Arghh its such a mess x

"Limerence" is a thing,

But AF says it all.

@Mix56 thanks, I am reading up on limerance now. I've not heard of it before.

Abit more positive today..DS 10 made me laugh (he doesn't know everything), he said 'mum is dad having a midlife crisis?'..I said where did that come from...he said 'well I was watching a cartoon and the husband had a midlife crisis, he was like dad...it really made my day

I had counselling today via work, its really helped me see things clearly, plus reading all these comments.
I just want to move forward with my life, but its hard because H has nowhere to see DS, so he had been hanging around here most of the weekend.
I've told him, he can't pick and choose family life, he said he understood.
He is still living with his friend, he hasn't heard from OW since she told her husband...but I think H is still living in hope...the idiot.

He can't hang around st your house. If he hasn't got a suitable place to take DC, then he can take them to the park & kick a ball, then bring them home.
Bad Luck. He left, he doesn't love you any more
So no, he cannot pick & choose what suits him. Like a chocolate box, & leave you with all the rubbish

Glad you’re doing better. What an utter B to do this to you and DS just before Xmas!

This happened to me. ExH met someone else and told me just before xmas. I was floored had no idea. He always hating people cheating (which i saw as endearing) as he saw the devastation caused to him mum by his dad who left when he was a child. Had been with him since 17 and I was 35 at the time. We’d been doing IVF without success. A year later he got OW pregnant. She turned out to be a bunny boiler and so they didnt last. He now lives on his own.

I moved on met DP and have a DS13. So there is a future for you, though I know it doesnt feel like it.

Engage with him as little as possible- let him feel what its like being without you. Know that his anger is because he feels guilty. Park the embryo- will keep in the freezer and you dont need to think about it now. Keep up the counselling. Eat a little- soup, yogurt anything you can manage. Do lovely things with DS. Give him some lovely memories of quality time with mum. Exercise saved me i think as gets rid of that horrible emotional turmoil in your tummy. Above all, be kind to yourself. Do things that make you feel good.

Come on Roller don’t let him hang about the house, he doesn’t get to decide. It’s not your problem to solve for him!

@Mix56 thanks. No you are right he can't be hanging around here. I think he was only hanging around to give his friend and wife time on their own. But he should sort something else out to do...if truth be told he hasn't got any other friends to visit etc. But not my problem.

@Lozzerbmc so sorry you had to go through that. Glad you had a happy ending though. Your story sounds very similar to mine. It would be a right kick in the teeth if he got someone pregnant after having IVF. Yes I am thinking of joining a gym, I haven't been in the best of health for a few years..ironically my health issues have now resolved. I need to get fit.

@TimeToCloseTheDoor thanks, there will be no hanging around from now on.

Just an update for my journey-

I lost my shit with him last night, the counsellor suggested we have some sessions together, to work our way through the separation.
So I asked him, he said he didn't think counselling would help and I should do it on my own..I was so pissed off that he doesn't seem to want to make the separation easy. I said its not counselling to get us back together, but to find a common ground for DS.

I suggested making things formal, sorting out finances Direct Debits and have clear plan when he will have DS.

So today he has decided he does want counselling after all. Today was the first day I have had what seemed as a actual apology for what he has done. He complemented me on my bobble hat, then said he wanted to hug me?? He muttered something about his head being spilt in half..I just ignored him..jog on pal haha

So he knows he is outstaying his visit at his friend's house.
He know he can't loiter at yours...
He knows OW is not happening
& now he is being conciliatory? You do wonder if he thinks you are a complete mug ?
About time he got a flat don't you think?

@Mix56 I have no idea what the sudden change in attitude...I am not sure if it's because he knows I won't put up which his shit anymore so is trying to be nice. Makes me suspicious.

Anyway DS is going to H friends for tea tonight, so atleast he won't be hanging around here.

God OP you sound great!!!
You've kept such a level head through this, I've just RTFT
Leave him in the gutter where he belongs, his pathetic compliments to you have my teeth on edge
I cringe for him
I cheer for you 💪🏽

@toomanyplants thanks for your kind words.

Despite everything I do miss him, we never used to row (he thought it was a waste of energy lol), people were so surprised when we spilt..but he is not the man I married, the way I see him has changed.

The future looks good for me, but the way he his and and his attitude, he will be alone. I guess I was 18 when we met, I didn't know anything different

He is angling to move back

@Mix56 surely he isn't that stupid to think we can live together? Its the sudden change of attitude that has got me

Of course he thinks you will be relieved, indeed grateful, to return to how it was.
You just have to trust him to never do if again & forget he would be long gone if OW had followed through

He complemented me on my bobble hat

I hope you told him to fuck off or at least told him Mike in the office bought it for you.

The thing is, of course you miss him, miss the company and friendship of having someone (anyone, it could even be Mike...) to pass the time with and he knows that. He knows what he has lost and how far it is along the line that HE drew.

Sadly when he realises his love interest isnt leaving her DH for him and uprooting her DC you will become the safe option and suddenly it will have been a mistake. You sound like a no nonsense woman and have worked out where you figure in his life. Hugs from me as no matter how strong this is hard for all involved