Just found out about H EA

[Rollercoasteride]

Hi all

H left me on Sunday, said his feelings had changed..he admitted today that he was having an EA with a work colleague and he loves her.
He has seen her twice since March lowdown..and that was with his team. All communication is done on Teams. He says nothing else has happened yet. He reckons he has feelings since lockdown as they knew they be apart
Is he for real??

You need to sort Xmas day between you two. Its likely he has planted the idea in DS's head and then said its what he wants. He is trying to make it easier on himself. He's staying at friends, parents don't want him there so best thing to do is to tag on to your plans. Allow what you want not him.

@PurpleMustang you're right about Xmas. I asked him if his friends has said anything to him..all he said is that they have just ordered the meat and will be home for Xmas. He doesn't eat with them at the moment, cooks his own food etc.
He can't go to his parents until they have had the covid vaccine.
I don't think my dad would want him to come anyway, I am not prepared to let my dad be on his own for Xmas.
So I don't know what he will do. I don't mind him coming on Xmas morning to see DS opening his presents though.

I would not want to return home & find my XH installed in front of the fire , eating my gingernuts. In your situation knowing he doesn't want you, He left you, He hurt everyone, & he just rocks up being amiable with a a niceties about the way you look.
I would tell him you do not want him in your house. At all.
Change the locks, or leave the front door on the chain & go out of the back door. It may wipe the smile off his face.

He is more comfortable in his old surroundings, ... funny that ?

Yes op he made a choice to leave for his Teams friend, he shouldn’t really get to wander back and forth home as it’s not fair on you.

Tell him clearly that he needs to make his own plans for Christmas.

Yes you are all right. I think lack of sleep is clouding my judgement, I am so exhausted. But I need to carry on working. I have lots of time off over Xmas.

What do you think I should say to DS about Xmas lunch and why his dad can't come to grandads?

How old is DS?

I agree with the above. Lock the front door and go in and out via the back. He can’t just rock up when he feels like it. You need time apart to be able to heal

Can you arrange him to see him for a bit in Xmas day, not the whole day? Will be less intense. Even if you have time off coming up try and look after yourself and get some rest and eat. Even if it’s just soup and fruit throughout the day etc if you can’t stomach anything.

@TimeToCloseTheDoor DS is 10. I know he can't keep popping round here, I think I have had enough today.

@HiyaCathyy I don't mind him coming here on Xmas morning or even coming back at tea time. I just don't want him to come to my dads, my poor dad has been through enough as it is.

What do you think I should say to DS about Xmas lunch and why his dad can't come to grandads?

Surely he knows that you and his dad have separated ? Didn’t you tell him that his dad has a new GF and you can’t do that when you are married so you will be getting divorced?

Your DS is 10 not 3. He understands that couples split up and they don’t do family things together anymore. You need to be clear with him and not set up false expectations.

Tell him that it will be you, him and his GF on Christmas Day, and that he will see his dad on x date when his dad will take him out to the park / MacDonald’s / to his new digs where they will have a meal / whatever.

What’s hardest for kids to cope with is uncertainly and mixed messages. His dad hanging around your house when he’s bored is not helping your DS.

Set up a proper schedule, write it down and stick to it.

And no, don’t have your ex over on Christmas Day. He’s not part of your family now, he has walked away.

It’s not like he’s street homeless, he has a new home and he can take Ds there on a day that you agree. Are you seriously telling me that this lovely, kind, rich couple with their big house won’t let your ex cook his child a Christmas meal on Boxing Day? Or sit in his room / one of their living rooms and watch a movie ?

He can open his presents from dad and dads family and friends at dads new house.

It’s not your job to make Christmas Day nice for your ex.

And playing fake happy families for one day will just confuse your son.

You don't actually know that your DS has said this to XH yet.
I would ask DS if he has been speaking about Xmas arrangements? Depending on the response, I would say that Daddy has chosen to leave us, he isn't living here & won't be coming here all the time as he has chosen to live somewhere else.
Over Xmas Grandpa is cooking Xmas lunch for you & I, Daddy is not coming because he has decided to move out.
or something along those lines

Morning
So I had a chat to DS about Xmas and it was an epic fail.H was right, he said he wants to be with his dad at Xmas and doesn't care what I say.
I explained dad has left and he will have lunch with friends..he had an absolute meltdown saying he didn't care..because H is is dad and my husband we should be together at Xmas. I even said grandad probably wouldn't want him there.

So I left it as it was bedtime, I messaged H to see if he will talk to him and explain he will be at his mates etc.

However the reply I got it was up to me of he had Xmas lunch with us?? Wth this has never been on the table, ever! Well I don't need to tell you my response, plus its also my dads decision.
He then said had my dad mentioned him at Xmas...I said no, because he have spilt up, he assumed you weren't coming, like most normal people.
Sometimes I think he is on a different planet. Does he seriously think it would be a good idea to come to my dads??

Sounds like your H has been likely suggesting it is your decision whether he comes for xmas lunch or not. He needs to be telling your DS that due to his choices he will be having lunch with friends. Your H is messing with your boy and you need to be telling him to cut it out now as it is damaging.

@beavisandbutthead you are right.

Since his dad has left i have mentioned to DS about going to grandads so it is not a surprise. I said he would see his dad before or after..so I surprised me last night and so did H.

I said to H what did you say to him about Xmas? He said DS told him he wanted lunch with his dad, but H didn't say anything!

Obviously I am the bad guy in all this for DS.

Your H doesnt appear to accept any responsibility for this mess and because he is so infatuated with someone else doesnt care about the upset he is causing. I do feel for your DS as he will be trying to work out why his dad has left him and will seek to look to blame- your the easy target. however your H could be helping here, however why would he do that? He is happy watching his DS get angry at you whilst he is the good guy. Just like he couldnt help his EA

Tell your ex he is not spending Christmas Day at your house or your fathers house.

Ask him if he wants DS on Christmas even or Boxing Day.

Once you have agreed which day DS is going to see his dad, tell DS.

“ As you know dad has left home because he has a GF so he and I will be getting a divorce. This means we won’t be having Christmases or holidays together anymore because we are not a couple / married. So this year you are going to spend X day with dad at his new home and Christmas Day with GD and me at GDs house.

“ I’m sorry if this upsets you. I know that you would rather this hadn’t happened and we were all still together . But dad is an adult and I can’t stop him leaving and being with who he wants to be. I feel sad too but that’s his choice . It was nothing to do with you or anything you have done - he loves you and he will always be your dad. “.

You must know that your ex is feeding your son these lines. No 10 year old uses the phrase “ you should be with your husband at Christmas “.

In an ideal world your husband would stop using his child to get his own way. But nothing you say to him will stop him. So you can only deal with DS and be very clear with him. All these things - Christmas , holidays, birthdays apart are what happens when a couple split up.

“ It’s confusing and hurtful for everyone ( really you and DS) to have to pretend that nothing has happened. We all have to deal with the reality of the choices that dad has made “.

He needs clarity so he’s not manipulated into this same situation time after time. So when his dad says “ oh I’d so like to spen Christmas Day with my lovely wife and son at my FILs” your son needs to know that your husband is mis representing the facts

• you are no longer his wife because he left you

• it’s not his FIL

• most separated / divorced couples don’t spend these days together, as it’s too hurtful, especially for the person who was left. Maybe in years to come , when/ if you both have new partners etc. But not now when it’s too raw.

I’m afraid you are going to have to be a lot more honest with your son. Ideally he would be kept out of it all. But since your ex is so manipulative, you need to equip your son with the facts.

It’s not your job to protect your ex from the consequences of his own decisions.

Are there other guests going to your fathers on Christmas Day @Rollercoasteride or is it just you and DS? If it’s just you three, then you can always ask if your father would do Christmas eve instead and Dd can go to his fathers on CD.

Of course you know that this is nothing to do with Dh and DS being together on CD. It’s because your ex doesn't want any of the work and expense - buying food and gifts, cooking etc - that CD entails. He wants you to do the work as usual.

So you might circumvent all your exs objections if you offered for him to have DS at his place on CD. But only if that works for you.

Whatever you do, do NOT have ex at yours at any point. Not to open presents. Not for a coffee. Not at all.

Otherwise you are teaching him that he can pick and chose the parts of family life that he likes and live as a single man the rest of the time. He doenst get to have his cake and eat it at your expense.

Hi @C0NNIE, thanks for your advice. Yes we need spell things out with DS. He is currently being assessed for ASD, so its abit tricky.

As for Xmas, going to my dads is the only option for me and DS. H knows this. My brother will be there, but suffers MH issues so not even sure if he will have lunch..he may stay in his room. We only lost my mum last year, so will be tough for dad as it is.

There is an added complication to where H can go with DS, H parents are extremely vulnerable so he can't go there.

I am not sure if he can go to his friends house even...his friend suffers with mh problems also (h said his meds have increased)..the main cause of his friends MH is down to the fact they can't have kids hence DS can not stay over..I wouldn't want to cause his friend upset over Xmas or put DS in that environment. I know its not my problem where H has DS, but I don't want him going somewhere uncomfortable, if you know what I mean?

So this plan that your ex comes to yours / your fathers isnt for your sons benefit ? It’s not for your benefit . It would spoil the day for you, your dad and your brother.

So don’t agree to something that spoils your day but suits your ex!

Your ex can have his son another day and take him to MacDonald’s of out for a meal somewhere. I think you are tying yourself up in knots trying to sort out your ex Christmas. That’s his problem.

I’m sure he bought all this through before he walked out on you. Christmas happens every year, it’s not like it’s a surprise.

I know children with ASD are all different but many of them like clarity and rules and knowing what’s happening. I suspect the uncertainty might be stressful for him

thought all this through

Unfortunately your H has been hanging around at your house, your DS hasn't really understood that your H has left & to be honest I don't think your H has really understood either.
I think you need to enforce your boundaries, plus as pp said
"Daddy has chosen to leave us, he isn't living here & won't be coming here all the time as he has chosen to live somewhere else"
This pain & discomfort has been entirely created by yourH, the blame should be clearly placed back in his lap

Yes you are all right, he can't be hanging around here. Me and DS have been to see my friend today (I am going to be in a bubble with her), we had a lovely time.
H had offered to come here tomorrow and 'help' with a few jobs, I told him I was fine. He can take DS out or something.

You are giving what exH does waaay too much headspace. You can’t be having his Christmas on your mind too. Who cares where he goes or about his parents. You simply focus on just you and your DS. If you feel comfortable with exH coming over to do presents then that’s great. Then he must leave. I would explain to your son that as Dad is a separate house now there would be too many bubbles for him to come with you to grandad’s.

Reading this from distance, my sense is that Ex is working to come back into the family unit. He is trying to erode your boundaries, hence blurring things by shamefully using your son to guilt trip you over Christmas and cosy family stuff with your DDad. Fuck. That.

@GoodbyePorpoiseSpit you are right..its not my job to make life easy for him. He can sort things out himself.

I know he would love to move back in for financial reasons, but there is no way that will be happening. I am getting the blame for him leaving because I asked him to leave so obviously it is all my fault!