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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just found out about H EA

206 replies

Rollercoasteride · 24/11/2020 19:51

Hi all

H left me on Sunday, said his feelings had changed..he admitted today that he was having an EA with a work colleague and he loves her.
He has seen her twice since March lowdown..and that was with his team. All communication is done on Teams. He says nothing else has happened yet. He reckons he has feelings since lockdown as they knew they be apart
Is he for real??

OP posts:
Mix56 · 12/12/2020 19:38

Agreed, If X was so miserable, he would have got a batchelor pas organized by now
If he was serious, he would have got an aptmt sorted, where he could welcome DS
Living up to 3 months with his friend with mental health problems which excludes DS from going there, is obviously temporary & deliberately involves using you house a base.
Coming over everyday, when he should be working.... What is the need?
Now the OW fantasy has failed pitifully, he has no wish to set up elsewhere.
I would be telling him he needs to get his shit together, he chose to waltz off to new a life, to be free. well he can fuck off and fly

He is aiming on returning

Mix56 · 12/12/2020 19:39

pad !

Original poster
Rollercoasteride · 12/12/2020 21:12

@Mix56 he definitely is having a pitty party at the moment. Reading between the lines I think the rumours are in circulation at his work..not surprised really!
He had been coming over to see DS twice in the week and then the weekend. His friend said he didn't mind DS popping around occasionally, but no over night visits.
He really does need to get his shit together

He has started to question me who I am seeing too, which is abot rich coming from him..non of his bloody business...I think he has gone mad

OP posts:
LilyLongJohn · 12/12/2020 21:23

Can you have Xmas lunch at your house and invite your Dad? Your ds might feel better if he's at home.

Original poster
Rollercoasteride · 12/12/2020 21:31

@LilyLongJohn that is a possibility. I did ask my dad to do the lunch, purely because I didn't think I have the energy to do it.
Dad has bought the turkey already, but he could bring it here.

OP posts:
LilyLongJohn · 12/12/2020 21:37

If your ds is being assessed for asd then it might be stress about leaving the house on Xmas day, and being at grandads, rather than him not wanting to be without your stbx

If this does work you'll have to be strong because I bet my bottom dollar your stbxh will try and worm his way in for a family dinner. I'd stick with 'your dad is disgusted with his behaviour that he doesn't want to see him' so he can't come for his dinner

TimeToCloseTheDoor · 12/12/2020 21:55

Roller bless you, you really sound stuck in between everyone and it is still very early days so still raw as well

Have a hug and some Flowers Cake and a virtual Brew with us and breath.

My DD has ASD, diagnosed, finally in year 7 senior school so 12 after a very testing road getting to where we are now.

I mean this next bit in the very kindest way. You need to close the doors to everything that is not your friends, family and son. Your son needs consistency, direct notice of what, where and when is happening. You have the right to close up for Christmas. You are hurting and there is no shame in saying that and turning off your phone and locking the front door.

You may want to spend the morning with your ex and your son and then go to your dads, it’s all fine and your decision. We are just words on a screen with our own experiences for you to read, only you know what’s for the best.

Don’t be bullied by him though.

TimeToCloseTheDoor · 12/12/2020 21:59

And, also, please don’t forget how quickly he would have left you and his son for someone else... it’s not your fault or problem that didn’t work out...

Look after yourself and those that love you

Original poster
Rollercoasteride · 12/12/2020 22:13

@LilyLongJohn thanks i didn't think of that. I will have a chat to DS in the morning. He is my priority.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rollercoasteride · 12/12/2020 22:22

@TimeToCloseTheDoor its been a common thing most of my life being stuck between people. Xmas last year was awful because H and dad fell out 2 days before... over some stupid comment H made to dad. I didn't think it could get worse. I think H also has ASD.

I appreciate all the comments and shared experiences, it has made me stronger reading them.

Its always in the back of my mind, how quickly he ditched me and DS...for nothing. I take comfort in the fact he has nothing, yet I have everything. Not just the house, but DS and friends. He will end up alone and miserable.

Thanks for your kind words x

OP posts:
Original poster
Rollercoasteride · 13/12/2020 08:46

The Xmas issue may have been taken out of our hands.
H friend has to have a covid test, he has mild symptoms, but does work in a hospital, so its a real possibility.
H thinks all will be fine and I am the negative one, I like to think I am realistic.
So will have to wait and see.

OP posts:
LilyLongJohn · 13/12/2020 09:07

So if he does test positive for Covid then he, and your stbxh will have to self isolate for 2 weeks, which means you're ds won't be able to see him anyway.

Original poster
Rollercoasteride · 13/12/2020 09:21

@LilyLongJohn yes. I think he would need to self isolate until the 27th.

He has convinced himself that the test will be negative. So we will wait and see.

His friends does home visits and was on the ward on Friday, so has lots of contact with others.

OP posts:
LilyLongJohn · 13/12/2020 09:22

Not wishing Covid on anyone but it would solve a lot of issues around Covid if he did have self isolate

LilyLongJohn · 13/12/2020 09:22

Christmas, not Covid

Original poster
Rollercoasteride · 13/12/2020 09:45

@LilyLongJohn yeah I know what you mean. Thankfully his friend isn't too unwell.

It was always a risk staying with his friend. This is also a reason why he is not seeing his parents as they are extremely vulnerable.

OP posts:
MadeForThis · 13/12/2020 15:00

Of he states it is negative I would as for proof.

Original poster
Rollercoasteride · 13/12/2020 22:13

I've just gone ballistic with H, told him I will be filling for divorce after Xmas.

He was on the phone to DS saying if his friend gets his test results, he will be coming here after school tomorrow.

He didn't ask me, he told DS. I had already made plans...arghh I hate him right now

OP posts:
C0NNIE · 14/12/2020 00:29

He needs to stop seeing you Ds in your house. He can take him out for a walk or to MacDonald’s.

Original poster
Rollercoasteride · 14/12/2020 07:56

@C0NNIE not he won't be coming here anymore. I put my foot down last night, it don't think I could be clearer.

I think I need this divorce. A fresh start, so everyone knows where they stand.

I have asked for the house, in return he can have our flat, keep his shares and pension. I think its a fair deal...his pension is worth alot more than mine.

OP posts:
stillfeelingmad · 14/12/2020 08:56

Keep going and be strong, you're doing so well and hes taking the absolute piss. See a solicitor ASAP and get the ball
Rolling before Christmas, let him know you're serious, your DS is lucky to have one lovely stable parent

IdblowJonSnow · 14/12/2020 09:09

Your ex is absolutely taking the piss OP. He chose to leave. And now he thinks he can turn up at yours whenever? I'd put a stop to all visits for a while. He's behaving so unfairly to you.
He needs to get his own place or share with someone who will let your son stay overnight.
Sorry you're going through this.

Original poster
Rollercoasteride · 14/12/2020 09:18

Thanks all, he had the bloody cheek to say I wanted all this to happen..as an excuse for him to leave!

OP posts:
LilyLongJohn · 14/12/2020 09:27

Sounds about right op. His little fantasy life has fallen flat on its arse, and he now needs someone to blame, so it's obviously all your fault

C0NNIE · 14/12/2020 09:39

I’m glad you are so determined to hold your boundaries - he seems to have no respect for you at all.

I have asked for the house, in return he can have our flat, keep his shares and pension. I think its a fair deal...his pension is worth alot more than mine

Please tell me you’ve had legal advice on this, had the pensions valued etc ?