Just found out about H EA

[Rollercoasteride]

Hi all

H left me on Sunday, said his feelings had changed..he admitted today that he was having an EA with a work colleague and he loves her.
He has seen her twice since March lowdown..and that was with his team. All communication is done on Teams. He says nothing else has happened yet. He reckons he has feelings since lockdown as they knew they be apart
Is he for real??

Dear OP. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Your H is a despicable person. I do wonder if it isn't just an infatuation in his head. If you sent the OW a message explaining that you knew, she didn't have to tell her husband. I could be completely wrong but it does sound like the infatuation is purely on his part. Regardless of whether it’s an actual affair or all in his head, you deserve better.

I don't understand people saying H is despicable. Usually here, when affairs are discovered, people say the "right" thing to do would be to leave before starting the affair. Whether he's he is infatuated or genuinely in love, that's not something he has compete control over. Sometimes things do "just happen". Would it be better for him to pretend he's happy in the marriage?

Thanks for your reply everyone, I will read them all again after the school run.. I have woke up more positive today. Positive in myself.
I know I have let myself go during lockdown and had put weight on...I have lost my confidence over the years and have thrown myself in the mother and wife role for many years..but I never did anything for me, part of it was down to money.
I think joining a gym would be so good for me, I am still recovering from a nasty injury 2 years ago, so its a win win

@BecomeStronger

I don't understand people saying H is despicable. Usually here, when affairs are discovered, people say the "right" thing to do would be to leave before starting the affair. Whether he's he is infatuated or genuinely in love, that's not something he has compete control over. Sometimes things do "just happen". Would it be better for him to pretend he's happy in the marriage?

This is true. I have suffered limerance myself but I never downgraded my partner at the time and I was never condescending and patronising. Feel sorry for him all you want but his behaviour to OP here is piss poor.

Hé may not have had an affair with her - something similar happened to my DSis where her boss became obsessed with her and convinced himself that she reciprocated, he told his wife he wanted a divorce and came to my sisters door saying we can be together now and she was totally horrified, she thought of him as a father figure and had never realised he had other feelings. I think he was having a mid life crisis, his wife threw him out anyway.

I agree with those that are saying he’s possibly not had an affair.
It sounds like he’s suffering from a case of the hubris. New job you say? Senior manager? He’s got a very high opinion of himself atm.

Please keep away from him op, he’s going to have an almighty crash. Please don’t let him drag you down with him.

Hi all, your comments have been amazing. Its nice to hear different points of view.
I have also been struggling with H living arrangements, his parents are really vulnerable, they have told him he couldn't live there for much longer. So he was going to live at a friend's house as they work aboard...but this house has been empty for a long time (its currently up for sale), so wonder dad has took DS to 'dads new house', DS all getting excited. I've been in the house before, its not that great and in a rough area...but hey ho.
Thing is H has no money and thought he could get all his new things from FB (although he deleted it), I had visions of him squatting there...I think reality set in last night when he went into the house and caused a flood

I have told him DS will not be going there if its not suitable, he agreed.

I suggested H contact one of his old school friends (I rather have an input where DS stays). H hadn't told him, but his friend has said he can stay there. They have lots of room and DS would love it there.
His friend and wife are really sensible lovely people, been together a long time and been through alot more than me and H. He also works in mental health...so while I know there is no future with me and H, if he was going to admit anything I am sure his friend would advise him to do so.

@Gensola thank you. I believe this OW has feelings for him because she said so sorry never meant for this to happen. But I am not sure of the extent she never replied to me again.
I need to focus on me and DS now x

@Whatwouldyoydo yes he has a new job more senior. He was the same grade as OW, but had to mentor her as they worked on the same job.

Infact he started to change a few months ago when the job started...I put it down to stress of a new job, he said he had no support from work, and was just left to get on with it...but I wonder it was because he couldn't contact her as much?

I am using this thread to remind me how far I have come.

Today is the anger phase, he wants me to put aside the EA, as the fact he would have left me anyway. I think its spineless.

He recently bought an expensive car on finance and we just ordered new windows for the house...neither of which he can now afford because he left. Why buy and order these things if he was going?

OW still hasn't made contact, I said it doesn't look like she is leaving her Husband...he said I didn't know that. He is hoping her husband has her phone and thsts why she hasn't made contact.

He changed contact time already, called to tell DS but didn't bother to ask me. I need to get something formal in place.

Its still early days but aleast I am feeling anger now

Use that anger and start to plan ...

Glad to hear it, OP. Focus on rage, and sorting out the practicalities so that you and DS have the best possible future. I would have no more conversation with your DH about anything other than arrangements to do with DS. It will do you no good emotionally and I suspect your DH is happy to have an excuse to talk about/think about OW. Cut it off as a topic entirely and go see a solicitor asap.

Good luck - you're doing well.

@hairykiwi yes I need to plan. He could sense i was pissed off today, surprisingly

Omg he's an utter piece of shit!
You're well rid xxx

@FredtheFerret I know I need to stop with the contact...he just seemed pissed off that his mum messages me and not him. She only told me his uncle knows. Sorry for himself tonight I think.

Me and DS will do just fine.. its getting used to silence in the evenings, plus lockdown has not helped

I know it's difficult at the moment; lockdown's not easy and obviously this has all been a shock for you and you'll feel lonely.

Pour yourself a Baileys (or tipple of choice), get yourself a nice notebook and start to write yourself lists.

Lists of what paperwork you need to sort out/find. Lots of advice on these boards about what solicitor ideally needs - details of his salary, wage slips, pension etc.

Lists of all the irritating habits he has and all the crap things he's done that have pissed you off over the years.

Lists of all the things you'd like to achieve in the future to be a better you! Career plan, weight gain goals, haircut, whatever you like!

Lists of all the places you'd like to go when life opens up again.

Lists of all the things you'd like to do/experience.

Lists of whatever you feel like! It's quite therapeutic and passes the time in an evening.

Thanks @FredtheFerret that's great advice.

I definitely need a list of things he has pissed me off...he was actually a right shit to me and I took it like a mug. A week after my mum suddenly died, we to the supermarket, I said must pick something up dad would like for tea..he said oh..he can't come round for tea all the time...

Ah you set me off now, thanks so much for the tips

Take care ❤there's actually nothing lonelier than being in a relationship with someone who doesn't value you, make you feel loved and out you first when you need them to.

You'll be fine.

If it helps I had an unhappy first marriage and children by someone utterly selfish and cold who left to find himself and turned out to have someone else.

I have now been very happy with DH2 for 20 odd years, who is utterly wonderful and kind and took on my children like his own. They are grown up now and adore him still.

@FredtheFerret thanks again for your kind words.
Yes his words are very cold, I actually think he has got ASD..DS is in the process of being diagnosed, lack of empathyis a big thing for H. The way he talks to me is sometimes worrying. Its not just with me, I've heard him with colleagues and even strangers. But this doesn't excuse him for what he has done.

Glad your in a happy place. I know i will be too. I have only just turned 37, I have the rest of my life to look forward to.
I've already had a msg from a guy (that I hardly know) who has just started to work in my office, inviting me for a drink with an old friend, after covid and asking if I was ok

Not that I am interested of course, but it is nice to know there are some decent blokes out there.

Another person on a second marriage with a fabulous guy who has been a brilliant stepfather. We met when I was 43. 37? You have your life before you.

I feel like my life started again but a really happy chapter and I’d just been going through the motions of living in my first marriage.

@TooOldforBouncyCastles glad you had an happy outcome. I like to think there could be some out there for me one day.

I guess its difficult because I have been with him my whole adult life, over half my life. He is all I have ever known, its going to take time to adjust.

Just concentrating on me and my DS for now. Thanks again for your kind words.

Omg he has actually lost the plot.

I sent him a message to see if DS is starting back with his swimming lessons, he replied saying how much it would cost.

I guess it hit home, obviously money will be tight having a single wages coming in. Of course he will pay for DS but it won't be the same as two incomes.

He has suggested if we do struggle then he could move back in for financial reasons...reckons DS would understand we are not back together...is he kidding me!

He'll have to pay you child maint too. Get on the calculator now and work out how much. Sort it now and out a claim in.

Sounds like the cold light of day is about to hit home hard. Living on his mates sofa, no home, no full time dc, no wife add that to the fact he's done all this to himself for a woman, who it looks like isn't going to leave her husband for him what a bellend

@LilyLongJohn yes he is a massive bellend. I honestly don't know what he is thinking.

To be fair he has already paid me double than he should. Just in the process of sorting the direct debits out for my pay day, he also needs to change bank details for some of his stuff from the joint account.

I'll get by, just there won't be money for fancy holidays, lots of days out, meals out like we are used to (before covid)etc

Yes I think he realises what he has done, he told me to forget about his idea moving back in, once he heard what I had to say... ha ha