Just found out about H EA

[Rollercoasteride]

Hi all

H left me on Sunday, said his feelings had changed..he admitted today that he was having an EA with a work colleague and he loves her.
He has seen her twice since March lowdown..and that was with his team. All communication is done on Teams. He says nothing else has happened yet. He reckons he has feelings since lockdown as they knew they be apart
Is he for real??

It doesn't matter whether it's been physical or not. He's said he loves someone else and wants to be with that person. Whatever happens between them, I'm afraid you'll need to accept your relationship is over. What a dick, I'm so sorry x

Something sounds a bit odd aswell.

His apparent openness about how he been having an EA and he loves her, this after her husband found out and called your husband up threatening him to stay away.

Do you think his finality of the marriage could party be him fearing the ow's husband?

If he stayed would he feel like a sitting duck, he may be very scared of this man.
I mean he can hardly waltz into another life with this woman if her husband is on the prowl .

He could have gone because he's a coward which means when the coast is clear he may wish to reel you back in and return.

Food for thought.

@LilyLongJohn yes he is a dickhead.

Ow only told her husband because I contacted her...she not been on contact with H since, says it all really. I know he will live to regret it, but he made his bed, now he can lie in it.

@Onthedunes I have no idea. I just think its odd the husbands message was apparently really bad, H said he could of gone to the police, he couldn't even read it all.

Her husband is the total opposite to mine

But when H replied today to her husband, he said stay said away while they discuss things...so he thinks he in with a chance again now...like are you for real, 2 days about i bet the husband wanted to smash his face in.

@MRC20 oh I no deep down there is no way back..I am just in shock with it all still xx

@AnyFucker I know he is totally pathetic..I thought to myself is he for real?

Right, we've established he's pathetic and having this affair was his way of asserting his manliness again.

Unfortunately this has backfired spectacularly making him look an utter fool and further destroying his reputation.

On top of that he is scared of this womans husband.
His cruel comment to you about he would have left even if he hadn't had the affair was him lashing out at you and giving the excuse to leave and go into hiding away from this man.

Sorry but your husband is a knobhead.

@Onthedunes yes totally agree with everything.

He is now infact a senior manager, so this won't look good. His behaviour had changed towards me since he started this new job 8 weeks ago..maybe its because they wouldn't be working together so closely?

Yes he was lashing out at me or trying to ease his guilt.

Hi OP.

Sorry you are going through this. The shock is physically painful isn't it.

I have been through similar. Exh became infatuated with much younger woman from work who he was mentoring. They only met a handful of times and when she rebuffed him he decided he hadn't wanted to leave after all and it was all a mental breakdown.

Unfortunately for him he ended up with neither his family or his obsession.
His actions had consequences, he's now miserable and lonely - poor him!

My advice, remember how his revelation felt every time he tries to move back in, and he will once she rejects him.

Take care of yourself x

Do you know where he is?
Is this other man bigger than him?

Do you think this ow is safe with her husband, he sounds agresive.?

Questions, questions.... sorry

Do you think you will file for divorce?

It sounds like he loves the idea of her. The reality would be very different.
People can make themselves out to be whoever they want online. If all their communication has been through text, they will have a romanticised view of each other.

He will 100% regret this.

I’m so sorry to hear about your POS husband. Unfortunately I think as time goes on more will unravel and you’ll find it was most likely more than just an EA.

When shit hits the fan and he realises how pathetic he’s been, please don’t let him come back. It’ll be hard but he’s made his bed!

She told her DH what? "we talk about shit and he left his wife so I'm leaving you"?

I just think its odd the husbands message was apparently really bad, H said he could of gone to the police, he couldn't even read it all

If a bloke hears another man left his wife to 'get with' his own wife what should he say?
"Hey dude, take my wife! All that talk and no sex you did with her means I'm happy to step aside, no hard feelings yeah?"

He is shit on your shoe, please see it.

Enjoy his humiliation. It isn't your humiliation it is his.

He probably thinks the divorce will go smoother if you don't know the full extent of his infidelity. Twat. He's gone to his family so you can't get in there first. Definitely a liar.
Ergh I feel for you, I hope you're OK this morning.

@Rollercoasteride I think the pandemic will have made many people reassess their lives and make decisions to change what they don’t like. If he wasn’t happy in the relationship beforehand he may have developed an infatuation with this friend/colleague and built it up in his head to something it really isn’t. He’s now embroiled her in his fantasy and possibly imploded her life as well as your family’s. She may not have had the same plans for the relationship as him. She may well hate his guts right now.

She’s also not your problem though. He is. He’s either emotionally weak, disloyal, unhinged, unreliable but he just checked out of being your husband. Whether they had sex or not is really not the issue. An emotional detachment is much more serious. Marriages break up without another person involved. Some people use an affair as a get out rather than have the courage to go honestly on their own.

So this bombshell has shaken your idea of your world and you now have to put it back together. You will and you’ll be happy. Don’t cling into the idea of it all being a mistake and life can go on as normal if he realises that. Whatever you do will involve months of grieving what you’ve lost. Just make sure those months are spent building a life without doubt, distrust or fear. Being on your own is hard but also far more liberating than being with an uncommitted spouse. It also frees you to find someone else if you ever want that.

Many of us have fabulous happy second marriages. My relationship with my DC is better for losing the ex. Our years together as a little team were special. DH is an amazing step dad.

I would never be able to get past the patronising attitude.

He is experiencing limerance only. When he spends more time with her he will likely realise how irritating she is but that's not your issue.

You have two choices basically. Wait for it to pass (but if he is this happy to tell you everything he is likely to just go from this one to another one and another) or start divorce proceedings while he is in the full throes of this as he will likely let you have everything while he is in this pink fluffy bubble of glitter and unicorns!

I would never be able to look at him the same way after this. I would certainly never be able to have sex with him so it would be over anyway.

What a pillock. He is downgrading you and his life with you with every thought, text and sentence.

Op focus on you and the DC and your future. It sounds like you have accepted your marriage is over. You may never know why exactly
But know that you are strong and can move on and find a peaceful happy life. Best wishes to you

@isaidnogetoverit thanks for your reply. Yes it is so painful, I think i would have actually preferred him to tell me had a full affair than this. Leaving me for someone he has developed feelings from a Teams chat, thanks mate.
I am sure H will end up sad and alone x

@Onthedunes I only know the village they live in. I don't think H is worried for her safety, he knows them both better than me.

I think it will end up in divorce sadly, H was my first proper boyfriend and I his girlfriend. This has all tainted it for me, I would never be able to move past this

@Giganticshark thanks, I slept abit better last night so feel abit better

@TooOldforBouncyCastles I totally agree.

Obviously he could be telling me a lie but he said she didn't even know he had left me until he was on a call (with other people) and his background was his mums house.

She then told her husband after I sent her a msg that I knew. H said he didn't care about me sending her a msg because the husband needed to know. Know what I would like to know?

And now he hasn't had contact with her

He is a very detached person not empathy at all, people can miss read him, his feedback from his job interview was he was arrogant! He can get paranoid, not with just me others.I hear him speak to people sometimes and think wtf. I have been saying for years I think something might be underlying

Yes I feel like I am grieving for our life we had, finally got out of debt and looking forward to our lives x

@ThatsMeChickenArm I think he is so wrapped up in his feelings now, I don't think he has thought how would it be in real life...he hopes they both leave there partners and they will be happy as they have each other.
Cold light of day will be they won't have money to go anywhere, DS has told his dad already he will only stay with him on the weekends (his parents won't babysit), she also has 2 small kids. But that isn't my problem.

No it won't be the same again x

@Rainbowqueeen thanks for your kind words x

I think he's probably being honest about what's (or hasn't) happened. He isn't trying to persuade OP to keep him, he's telling her why he's leaving.

I think men are more prone to an infatuation like this than women. I wonder if the woman knew he was planning to leave or even the extent of his emphatuation?.

It's a terrible situation for you to be in but most people here would say leaving is the right thing to do in this situation, rather than staying with someone you've decided you don't love. It will eventually mean you can move on without being strung along for years.

Good luck OP