I don't love my DH what the hell do I do?

[WorryBadger]

I've finally faced up to the fact that while I care deeply about my DH, I don't love him and I don't think I ever did. We have a comfortable life, and get on well, and have a lovely daughter. I can't see how driving a truck through all that would be good for anyone. Yet I'm miserable and unfulfilled and have a strong sense of "Is this it?"
Is this normal? Are millions of other people just rubbing along OK? I can't believe that the norm would be life-long love between two people, it's never been the norm in history.

Don't know where I'm going with this, it's just that now I have admitted this to myself, it feels huge and I can't put it back in the box and pretend I never saw it.

I tend to think that if you have everything except love then that’s enough, at least while you have kids to raise. If you leave him you’d be a lot worse off and not guaranteed to find love with someone else. You can divorce him and look for love when your kids are grown up.

How old are you? I don't agree with the previous comment. You get one life, one chance at happiness. Are you happy? If you're not then I would start looking at your options. x

I'm in exactly the same position. Financially well off with both incomes, lovely house, do what I want when I want. We have fab holidays, i have holidays away with friends. He is here to look after the children if i want to go out/away (pre covid 1!) but, but .. I don't love him, I feel an overwhelming sense of is this it. I want someone to love, who I like to look nice for, who will go for dinner with me and be a gentleman, who i can laugh with.

Your comment Don't know where I'm going with this, it's just that now I have admitted this to myself, it feels huge and I can't put it back in the box and pretend I never saw it HUGLEY resonates with me

Play with different scenarios and be really honest with yourself as to how you'd most likely feel after, say, a year has passed.
For example, you'll tell your DH that you don't love him and want a divorce. The first and biggest casualty of this would be your DD, as despite how civil, nice, understanding etc. your DH is, the palpable tension, inevitable quips and frozen silences are enough. Children always know and it hurts them to the bone. They need love, security and stability; divorce, however amicable, shatters that notion of security and stability forever. Trust is gone.
Moving on. You. The beginnings of any new relationship are marvellous, the butterflies, the consuming thoughts of the wonderful new person. If this scenario would take place whilst you are still in a relationship, then the secretive, limited glimpses of perfection - as you'd perceive the Mr Wonderful - and the lust of 'forbidden' sex are mindblowing.
However, after a year or two, depending on the frequency of your dalliances, the shine, excitement and lust start to fade.
Suddenly their faults - and they have many, we all do - will become painfully apparent and you start seeing them as just another person, with good and bad traits.
And 'Is this all there is?' is coming back with force.

I think if you really don't love him then you have to say something - it's unfair for him to continue in a relationship that he thinks is something it is not.

But I also think that the current image of love can be an unobtainable goal and that a sense of "is this it" can sometimes be about modern life, misdirected at the peson you are with. Be careful to understand if that is the case, otherwise you may throw away something worthwhile because of a unrealistic expectation of what life should feel like.

People have far too high expectations. Life isn't Mills & Boon. Even if you leave where's the guarantee the perfect man is just round the corner. It is a shame you now realise you never loved him. Nobody can tell you what to do next.

Yes you may have a comfortable life but you only get one life. Do you want to look back in a decade and regret everything.

Do you think there’s any way you can fix things with your hisband ? Would you consider going to counselling together?

I’d not, how many years are you willing to stay in a marriage where you are miserable and unfulfilled?

How long can you keep it up without getting ill?

How long would you expect your husband to stay if he felt the same ? And not cheat - I mean to remain faithful to you , while he was very unhappy ?

I think it depends what you mean by "love". I probably don't love my DH in a particularly romantic/passionate/sexual way. But I like him, respect him, enjoy his company, and care about him very much. For me that is enough. I'd be less happy on my own. And I'd most likely be less happy in the long run with someone else who perhaps fulfilled some romantic/sexual desires, but ended up not being such a nice, kind, good person.

I think you have to be careful about expecting someone else to make you happy. If you are thinking "is this it?" then maybe you need to take steps to change your life generally, not your partner.

Of course if your husband is unsupportive, holds you back, is critical, generally unpleasant, if you don't respect him, aren't comfortable in his presence, hold views about the world and other people that you can't accept etc etc then that is another matter!

I mean, I'm biased I guess because I'm coming at this from the perspective of very much loving my DH even after 17 years and two kids, but I don't think it's an adequate response just to say "This is life, buttercup". You're already using the word "miserable" about yourself and divorce is no picnic from any angle, but nor is a miserable parent who feels trapped.

Ultimately only you know the cost to you of staying in this relationship. Maybe it's manageable, maybe it's unbearable and you'll snap. Factor in that ending a relationship openly and cleanly without anyone else in the picture probably beats ending it because you cheated, and that children don't generally appreciate knowing that parents stayed in a bad marriage "for their sake".

If you can afford it, some counselling for you might well be a good idea. What do you want from your life? How do you see things playing out? What led you to marry a man you didn't love in the first place? What compromises are you personally willing to make?

Best of luck.

If you never loved him, how come you married him? Have you loved other guys before? How come you didn't end up with them? You don't have to put the answers here, I'm not being nosey, just questioning the 'never loved him' as it could sound like the rewriting history that goes on when people convince themselves of something because of how they feel now rather than the reality. Also it's interesting to examine whether it's him you don't love or whether this is your version of love after being in a relationship for this long, which is helpful in weighing up whether it's worth staying for all the things @PucePanther says, or whether you could be better off leaving because YOLO and so forth. It's a complex situation with lots at stake, and deciding that you don't and have never loved DH (not even have never been 'in love', actually never loved at all) may be a way to make it simpler in your mind. At the end of the day, only you can know your true feelings and whether they mean you should end the marriage. But at the very least it sounds serious enough to talk to him about it and get some counselling to decide whether to work on it or not.

I was in the same boat with my previous marriage. It was fine, we were friends and had a nice enough time but... in the words of Taylor Swift - life was never worse but never better. We didn't have kids though to be fair.

I couldn't do it, not for 50 more years, it felt like a prison. I would look at other couples and I just knew their relationships weren't like this. We were barely even that interested in each other! I left and was really surprised how upset he seems actually, given how 'blah' things were. It was hard from a practical/financial point of view but I have never had a second of regret and didn't miss him at all really. I barely think about him now.

I got married again a few years later and it's completely and utterly different. I adore my husband, he's lovely, so lovely and we are really in love. I can't imagine being without him in a million years and if we get 50 years of this it still won't be enough.

I shudder to think that I might have made different choices and missed out on the marriage I have now.

Don't write your life off now, you're a long time dead.

On the 'I never loved him' point though, yes, I agree this is something to think about. Because I did love my first husband once, not like the second if I'm honest, but I did love him. He changed though and so did I but we got together young.

I would be interested as to why you married someone you never loved.

I would stay! I’m in a similar boat.

I realised I didn’t want to be a single parent, I didn’t want to be wandering round places on my own with the kids and spending every other weekend on my own. I don’t want my kids to become someone else’s step kids in the future and end up part of a patchwork quilt of half siblings and step siblings. To me that’s more important than me being with someone I fancy the pants off.

I think it depends really if you actually like each other and get along. I know people say you only get one life etc but you need to decide if you would be happier on your own as you may never meet someone else who is the love of your life. I think life has many ups and downs and can be so boring especially with children, it’s easy to think if you were madly in love it would be different but it may not be. I’ve been with my DH 22 years, I have had times when I couldn’t stand him and we’ve had our ups and downs but I was only thinking recently that I’m glad I didn’t divorce him when times were hard as now we get on much better, the DCs are older and more independent and we have more time for each other. My DH has never been overly emotional and at times he drives me mad, that’s life but he’s a good person. Only you can decide if not living with your husband would make you happier and decide if you were single you would have a happier life. You need to decide whether it’s just the drudgery of life getting you down or whether it’s your DH making you feel this way.

So let’s say I leave and find love but:

-I’m broke so my children have to live in a crappy house in a dodgy area
-I have to work more hours to make up for the loss of DH’s income so I spend less time with DC
-DC will undoubtedly be upset about the divorce and deprived of time with their father
-DC end up in a blended family where they are no longer the highest priority and probably lose out on inheritance
-DC are pretty much guaranteed to have less money available to meet their needs

In all of these cases my kids lose out because I selfishly wanted to swan off with another bloke. That’s if I even find love - there’s no guarantee I will. I had decades to find love while I was young, attractive and childless, and it didn’t happen - so why would I now expect to attract an amazing man as an older single mother?

@PucePanther 100% agree! I honestly think people forget all of that when they decide they want to ‘find love’.

@PucePanther - it's not just about OP meeting someone else though is it. It's about her being HAPPY. Nothing beats children growing up with happy parents. I come from a single parent family, my mum left my dad when I was 2 and I had a great childhood. She was content and it rubbed off on me. Yes, she worked an awful lot, but I was at school 8.30-3 and she always put me to bed at night, often spending time reading and chatting. Eventually she got a job that fit around school hours so we had even more time together. I'm glad she didn't just prioritise me, but herself too. She's now with my step dad and they absolutely adore one another.

I actually think a huge amount of people are doing exactly that - just rubbing along. But that doesn't mean that you have to.

You need to think of every possible decision that you could make, and how that could impact on your life in the future.

Let me tell you now, though, that your daughter will be much happier in the long term if she has a happy and fulfilled mum, and that doesn't sound to be the case at the moment.

It's about her being HAPPY
By probably making her DC unhappy. That’s selfish and unfair. As a parent you can’t just swan off and do whatever makes you happy, your kids have to come first.

@LindaEllen - so true. The 'just stay together for the sake of the children' type comments don't wash with me. It's been proven that unhappy marriages can cause serious mental health issues in adults who come from those homes. I know a few.

I would be interested as to why you married someone you never loved
Because I didn’t meet someone I did love and I was running out of time. I imagine it’s the same for most people.

@PucePanther and you think her child will be happy witnessing a mother who never really seems happy? We are the product of our parents. Turn it around. My son is three and already if I've had a bad day he picks up on it. 'be happy mummy' or 'I will make it better'.

There’s grey area though. It’s not either ‘unhappy marriage’ or ‘loved up couple goals’. You can be a happy family without being smitten with your partner or husband.

Can you be intimate with him OP? Are you able to hug/kiss/touch him without recoiling?

If the intimacy has gone, and you physically cannot bear to be close to him, then the chances of that passing are slim. If not, then you have a very good foundation to work on.