I don't love my DH what the hell do I do?

[WorryBadger]

I've finally faced up to the fact that while I care deeply about my DH, I don't love him and I don't think I ever did. We have a comfortable life, and get on well, and have a lovely daughter. I can't see how driving a truck through all that would be good for anyone. Yet I'm miserable and unfulfilled and have a strong sense of "Is this it?"
Is this normal? Are millions of other people just rubbing along OK? I can't believe that the norm would be life-long love between two people, it's never been the norm in history.

Don't know where I'm going with this, it's just that now I have admitted this to myself, it feels huge and I can't put it back in the box and pretend I never saw it.

The OP did NOT state she would be in a poor financial position if she left, she stated she has a "comfortable life" at present.

Way too many assumptions based on the OP

@Welcometonowhere

I don’t think children feel bad because of the word ‘broken home’ but there are a number of things adults really do need to consider.

1. I’m going to be flamed to a crisp for this, but it’s very, very common for the relationship with the non resident parent to change dramatically following a split. This is usually the father. I know countless people will respond to this insisting I’m wrong but actually on a statistical basis I’m not. Men will often take up with another woman and be a dedicated stepfather.

1. The relationship with the mother also changes once she meets someone new. Maybe she won’t, but tbh it sounds as if this OP wants to.

Again, look at statistics. The most dangerous thing you can do is bring an unrelated male into your child’s home.

1. Finances are an issue. Is daft to say they aren’t. Keeping two homes going is more expensive than one, stability matters to children. They lose their home, bedrooms, garden, contact with friends sometimes. Their worlds are small and you uproot them entirely.

1. Inheritances are an issue, again, daft to dismiss this. It doesn’t mean no one should get divorced but it is something to think about.

Imagine you are 10 say and your world has been homework, friends, sports clubs and school. Within the space of twelve months, your mum and dad have divorced. Mum now has a boyfriend and you don’t dislike him but you feel a bit stiff and awkward around him because he isn’t family and you haven’t known him long, things like having a shower and leaving a mess in the bathroom have him complaining and sighing and it makes you feel uncomfortable in your own home. Dad also has a girlfriend and you only see him once a fortnight now. The rejection really stings, especially as the girlfriend has two daughters who your dad must love more than he loves you (he’s moved in with the girlfriend and there are photos of her kids all over the house, but not one of you.)

No one is abusing you, you are well fed, you have a home, clothes, even cuddles. But just the same you don’t feel completely comfortable at either of your two homes and you’ve learned both your parents value romantic relationships over you. As you go into your teens, you spend more and more time outside of the house - maybe you meet someone a bit older, with a place of their own. He DOES love you. He says so. Revising for your exams is hard because although mums boyfriend is polite enough he really doesn’t want you around and dads girlfriend is now outwardly hostile after you argued with her DD. You manage OK, but nothing like your potential.

Do you see what I’m getting at? That’s the type of divorce where the parents are happy and they probably can’t see how displaced and unhappy their own child is, and she can’t tell them.

I stopped after your first sentence. Please, where is your proof that children don't mind the expression BH?

I agree with the posters above - it's up there with "illegitimate baby", "born out of wedlock" and other outdated and judgemental phrases that keep (some) women in desperately unhappy if not downright abusive, toxic situations.

Please don't be so flippant.

You misunderstand me. I mean I don’t think children are adversely affected by divorce (and I’m afraid the studies do show they are) because of people calling it a broken home. They are adversely affected by divorce because of several other factors.

@Welcometonowhere
I’m 60 and your post made me cry because I was that child, cared for but not really considered. I’ve still got the scars inside now.
Going back to the op, don’t do anything yet, it’s been a really weird year and I think we all are finding things tough.
Just sit down and consider what you really want, it might be as simple as a new hobby that takes you out the house, or a chance to travel.
Just remember the grass is greener where it’s watered.

grass is greener where it’s watered

BRB just getting this tattooed on everything.

@Welcometonowhere

You misunderstand me. I mean I don’t think children are adversely affected by divorce (and I’m afraid the studies do show they are) because of people calling it a broken home. They are adversely affected by divorce because of several other factors.

I think you'll find that whatever negative consequences a parental split has, labelling children as coming from a 'broken home' exacerbates those consequences rather than helping them. So it's a particularly nasty turn of phrase. There can be no positive to using it, only negative to all involved, so I never understand when people don't see the issue with continuing to use it.

@praepondero

Here's a question - how long does love last in marriage before morphing into caring and companionship?

We have been married 40 years and are still very much in love.

I freely admit that as a primary school child I didn’t think about my mother’s feelings in any depth, or even really understand that she was anything beyond just being my mum. I saw that my house wasn’t as nice, the people around me weren’t as nice, my piano and dancing lessons had stopped, my mum was at work more, I didn’t see my dad as much, and there were occasionally strange men in our home which made me feel uncomfortable. So no, I didn’t give a shit that my mum felt happier being divorced. I just wanted my nice life back. As I became a teenager I was very angry at my parents because I felt they’d deprived me of my nice middle class friends and the opportunities they couldn’t afford after their divorce. As an adult I have more understanding of why they did it but it still seems selfish tbh.

@Welcometonowhere
Interesting post.👍

I think there are different types of marital break up and the responses of the children can also be different.

Abusive/violent father. Children are always better off out of that home, even if economic circumstances are reduced.

Desperately unhappy couple arguing and whilst not abusive or violent, terribly unhappy. I believe the children are better off if the parents separate.

Calm, peaceful home where both parents are respectful of each other and kind, but not madly in love with each.

Well I don't know if the children are better off if the parents seperate.

I think maybe not.

Teens can be very caught up in their own lives, and if the home is a happy, calm place, do they really reflect much on it?

In that case I could well imagine them being much worse off with parents that separate and move on to other relationships.

I can also imagine them hating a huge change in their circumstances.

Teens don't spend a lot of time reflecting on their parents happiness IMO, they tend to be very wrapped up in their own lives, with parents largely their to supply comfort, support and lifts when required.

I knew of a couple of surprise separations growing up, as a result of affairs.
I know my two friends were hugely impacted by it, and how it changed their lives.
Both their mothers were professional working women, but the loss of their father from what they thought was a normal home was devastating to them, and impacted them enormously.

I certainly don't believe it was better for my friends and I definitely think they would much have rathered if the family had stayed together.

I personally didn’t use the phrase broken home but I don’t think that’s really the important thing here.

My situation was different as my mum died, but I do remember my whole world collapsing as the house was sold and school was different as I was approaching it from a different area and my dad took about five minutes in deep grief before moving another woman in who clearly didn’t want me but treated me with polite disdain. It’s horrible.

Yes I know some stepparents do a brilliant job but let’s be totally honest here it’s not the norm is it?

I’d just like to stress here that if someone is suffering any sort of abuse then they absolutely should get out and be honest (in an age appropriate way) with their children about why. I’m specifically talking about the sort of issues the OP describes.

Thank you all so much for your replies, it has given me a lot to think about and the thing I came on here for which was a fresh perspective or two.
I honestly couldn't tell you if it was my marriage or my mental health that was awry. No big decisions yet.

I left my dh. He lives in old family home. I live nearby. It's not crap. My kids are happy. Much happier than we all were before. Good times with happy mum, and with happy dad. We work together to look after them.

Some people have funny ideas

I honestly think you should just sit with your feelings for a while, the world being a strange place and all at the moment. If possible, maybe even look at some counselling for yourself to help try and understand is this is a phase or not!

I would give it 6 months and step back from making any decisions at all, just try and evaluate how you feel. The comment someone made about how would you feel if your husband met someone else I think is a good gauge though, how does that make you feel?

When all said and done, only you can decide and there is no right or wrong answer unfortunately, just you navigating your life the best way you know how. It takes courage to change though and some will never do it, unless forced, that doesn't make leaving wrong.

I hear what you're saying @PucePanther and I'm sorry for you that it clearly wasn't explained to you in an age appropriate way; but I'm actually using our divorce as a bit of a teaching point for my girls (and it is relevant that I have girls) - that women and mothers - so myself but also themselves in the future- don't have to put everybody else first all of the time. My happiness and theirs in the future, counts too. Within reason of course; but in our situation their house will stay the same, the ballet lessons will stay the same, and they'll see their dad just as much. I'd like to think they have understood and accept this. Exdh and I have remained friends, we will still socialise together as a family occasionally; I just have no desire to shag him or live with him.

Children always know and it hurts them to the bone. They need love, security and stability; divorce, however amicable, shatters that notion of security and stability forever. Trust is gone

I strongly disagree.

I was in the same boat as the OP with my exH. He knew things weren't right between us. We cared about each other almost as best friends or siblings, but totally not in a sexual or romantic way. We tried to make it work but couldn't. When it's gone it's gone.

We both spoke to DD that mum and dad still love each other but as friends. And we will always be family even if we aren't all in the same house. And that is exactly how it is! I have a new partner and am engaged, my ex is dating. And my DD is secure and knows she is loved by us all. It works if you want it to work. ExH and I spoke to the school when we split in order to discuss with them the best way to approach it, as they have to pick up the pieces after lots of divorces. We did EXACTLY as they told us and have confirmed that DD is happy and secure. Yes, it was a shock initially, but after a few tears, and with a cast iron routine, DD is fine. And she is autistic so REALLY hates change!

OP, don't live a half life. ExH and I are so much happier apart, and DD is loved by four of us now instead of two. That's hardly a bad thing!

I wasn’t aware schools were experts in guiding children through divorce.

Also, what @arethereanyleftatall said!

@Welcometonowhere

I wasn’t aware schools were experts in guiding children through divorce.

They are very experienced in what doesn't work with kids, and how the kids are affected by it. They deal with it multiple times every year, and end up having quite close dealings with some families due to multi-agency meetings etc. ExH and I were under no illusions that we knew the right and wrong things to do, so we asked for input from school about what works for kids in their experience. And it was great advice.

I think it's sometimes good to know you don't have all the answers and to seek advice from people who are experts in knowing which pieces they have to pick up most frequently.

@SirChing - that's exactly how I explained it to my girls too. You're a bit ahead of me, I hope my divorce works out for my dds as well as yours has.

@arethereanyleftatall as long as you are consistent and amicable, your DDs will be just fine.

My ex and I purposefully made ourselves leave behind the hurt of the end of the marriage when we split. It no longer matters who did what or said what. DD matters, that's all. Ex and I still get on brilliantly, he comes for Xmas, and comes for tea once a week, so DD can see that we will always get on and be friends. Practical demonstrations of the friendship matter. Joint days out are good too, with new partners too where appropriate. You sound like you are doing brilliantly

My parents stayed together although they were miserable and it was toxic and awful and affected me and my siblings horribly. So divorce is hard but there’s no perfect answer here. Hope it works out op.

I grew up with two parents who stayed together but should have separated. My home felt broken. I felt broken. I've made bad choices in relationships because I didn't see happiness and love. I've had extensive counselling over the last 20 years but I've never felt like I can have a proper loving relationship. My parents would have been better off apart and we would have been better off too.

Thank you, you too

Yes I’m a teacher. I don’t consider myself an expert. Not even close.

I’m sure your DD is fine but (and this isn’t aimed at you personally) you cannot possibly know. Children often appear fine: happy and well adjusted but years later it comes out.

Or it might not. She might be fine. I wouldn’t trust that the school are experts though. It’s not teacher bashing either. Get my son through his maths GCSE, teach him french, even negotiate a school trip skiing and they are brilliant. Divorce? No. That’s very personal.