I don't love my DH what the hell do I do?

[WorryBadger]

I've finally faced up to the fact that while I care deeply about my DH, I don't love him and I don't think I ever did. We have a comfortable life, and get on well, and have a lovely daughter. I can't see how driving a truck through all that would be good for anyone. Yet I'm miserable and unfulfilled and have a strong sense of "Is this it?"
Is this normal? Are millions of other people just rubbing along OK? I can't believe that the norm would be life-long love between two people, it's never been the norm in history.

Don't know where I'm going with this, it's just that now I have admitted this to myself, it feels huge and I can't put it back in the box and pretend I never saw it.

WorryBadger

Better to be from a so called "broken home" than to remain in one. Staying for the children is a bad idea and one that often does not work out in the long run. It also teaches the children that your relationship was based on a lie and its a terribly heavy burden to place upon them.

What do you want to teach your child about relationships and what is she learning here?. Its a question I often ask. As our children grow older, they tend to replicate relationships similar to what their parents modeled. As parents we’d never say we want our children to suffer or struggle in their relationships. Yet that’s the greater likelihood. It’s not what we say, but what we do that matters. Telling our children they deserve healthy, respectful, and loving partnerships isn’t taken to heart if we don’t have the courage to live up to our own words. What we model for them is very much what we might expect for them in their future relationships.

Waiting for the children to go off to college and then divorcing may make the kids feel guilty that their parents sacrificed their own happiness for them. We owe our children much more than the physicality of an intact family. We owe them our truth.

Well hopefully that will tell everyone exactly what sort of person @pucepanther is. "

A realist in control of her actions, emotions and life. And a great parent.

I would not stay. You sound sensible, not like someone who expects life to be perfect all the time.
Caring is how you are with friends. You should love your partner even if the 'giddy, in love' feelings don't last.
Good luck.

PucePanther’s scenario makes a lot of unfavourable assumptions about the op’s husband.

My ex supports our children fully. I am aware many single parents can’t rely on this kind of support but it’s unfair to assume she’ll be destitute and her children neglected.

@praepondero oh hi @PucePanther - same person.

Is this how you see single parenting?!
If you sell a house and buy two houses for the same money, they’ll be cheaper houses in crapper areas, probably in the catchment for crapper schools. If a household goes from two incomes to one income then there’s obviously going to be less spare cash for the nice things in life. That’s just a fact.

I don't know anyone who got married to someone they didn't love
It happens all the time. Usually when women are approaching 40 and have to decide between Mr Good Enough or no baby at all.

@praepondero

Well hopefully that will tell everyone exactly what sort of person *@pucepanther* is. "

A realist in control of her actions, emotions and life. And a great parent.

are we still doing prizes for best sock puppetry of the year or are you going for sycophant of the month?

@PucePanther

Is this how you see single parenting?! If you sell a house and buy two houses for the same money, they’ll be cheaper houses in crapper areas, probably in the catchment for crapper schools. If a household goes from two incomes to one income then there’s obviously going to be less spare cash for the nice things in life. That’s just a fact.

I don't know anyone who got married to someone they didn't love
It happens all the time. Usually when women are approaching 40 and have to decide between Mr Good Enough or no baby at all.

You're making a number of negative assumptions.

Many single parents stay in the original family home. Some have to move. A move doesn't necessarily mean into a "crapper" (sic) area, with "crapper" (sic) schools.

Just wondering - why are you so keen to paint such an unreservedly bleak picture?

@praepondero

Well hopefully that will tell everyone exactly what sort of person *@pucepanther* is. "

A realist in control of her actions, emotions and life. And a great parent.

If Donald Trump did sock puppetry he’d be more nuanced than this.

Get some proper therapy for yourself so you can really air how you ended up marrying someone you don’t love. Then having a baby with him. Then how you would cope in a divorce.

Discuss it with a counsellor until you are 100% sure that the grass is greener.

I think this is exactly the reason why lots of people have affairs.

I'm not advocating that btw, it's a complete shitstorm when it blows up in your and your family's face. And it wont' get you the love you crave, just sex and an illusion of a connection.

How would you feel if he told you, out of the blue, that he’d found someone else and was leaving you?

That’s the acid test, IMO.

@PucePanther

I would be interested as to why you married someone you never loved Because I didn’t meet someone I did love and I was running out of time. I imagine it’s the same for most people.

I really don't think it is the same for "most" people. What were you running out of time for? Getting married? Having children?

How awful to marry someone just because you feel you are running out of time.

@PucePanther
I come from a 'broken home' and while I'm sure perhaps I'd have lived in a bigger house and had more help with house deposits, weddings etc when older if they'd stayed together, the difference is as a child you don't know that was the sliding door reality. You accept your reality.

A good parent makes sure their kids don't suffer the burden. A mum would rather carry on with their childrens extra curricular activities by having less new clothes for herself etc. Plus you don't know what £££ you're talking here. The OP may not be on the poverty line by splitting. That's extreme.

I look at my both remarried happy parents, and look back on my happy childhood, and don't feel like I missed out at all. I know they made sacrifices so we didn't have to.

Their new happy marriages are the very marriages currently making me doubt my own. If they had remained married to each other, I'd think my marriage was the model. But because they're happy, I know that's what can be achieved

Be honest - what is long term love? It is caring deeply about someone and being compatible living together. The pure lust does not last long term, it's why so many of us in middle age find ourselves single, because the other partner wants that new relationship feeling again which 20 years of marriage doesn't provide despite everything else being great.

Happened to me, I've gone on to find a new (and wonderful) dp whereas exh who called it quits with me is still searching and admits he hasn't found what he thought he would.

What I'm saying is work out what you have, the grass isn't always greener. I'm close to 50 so I know companionship is as important as lust because we (thanks to covid) spend far more time being around each other with clothes on!

I think PucePanther is getting an unduly hard time here.

Its nice to see a bit of balance about what single parent hood can be like. Everyone's situation is different. Not every mother who becomes a single parent will be able to support her family, or spend time with her kids as she is working so hard, or suddenly be happy and carefree when she is worn down by the worry of poverty, or have a support network of family and friends. Or have the money to date or childcare to form a new relationship, or indeed to socialise at all. Not all kids will be happy in their new situation. You see posts here quite commonly from utterly worn out single parents.

Some mothers are happier after a split. But each woman's situation is different, she will know what her situation will be like upon splitting, financially, socially, mentally. She will know what resources she will or won't have to make a new life. She will know the disposition and situation of her kids and the impact a split will have on them (not just the split but the other life changes following it). She will then have to judge how bad the current situation is and whether the move will lead to an improved situation for her / her kids and then have to balance this to make a choice.

I don't think it is fair to lambast a poster for talking about her experience and how it affected her, just because it wasn't other people's experience. She has a legitimate point of view, as do those for whom a split was the best thing.

A good parent makes sure their kids don't suffer the burden. A mum would rather carry on with their childrens extra curricular activities by having less new clothes for herself etc

I think this comment shows how people urging others to split don't understand what the reality will mean for some women who split.
This quote is only true if there is enough disposable cash to be able to make those choices. For some, becoming a single parent will mean the choice between feeding yourself/ your kids or buying them a winter coat. Holiday hunger is a real thing, when kids go hungry in the holidays as they don't get free school meals and their parents can't afford enough food for them.

Everyone's situation is individual to them and they will make a choice to stay or go based on the reality of both choices for them.

But it's not balanced? It's being presented as "this is what will happen" which simply isn't true. It's also being presented as "once you have dc you have to put up and shut up or the dc will lose out" which again is simply not true. Balanced would be to say "I suffered these things, are you able to ensure your dc won't lose it in a similar way".

But it's not balanced?

I am not talking about balanced within one person's post, I am talking about balanced within the whole thread. You know, the balance you get from hearing different experiences and points of view.

so by that token posters being pulled up provides part of that balance surely?

Anyway, I'm done with the derail now.

Majority of children with serious behavioural difficulties come from broken homes. Why do you think that is?
There are multitudes of other factors, clearly, but broken homes/absent fathers seem to be common denominator, sadly.

@PucePanther

I would be interested as to why you married someone you never loved Because I didn’t meet someone I did love and I was running out of time. I imagine it’s the same for most people.

Um, no. What were you running out of time on!? there's no upper age limit on falling in love!

so by that token posters being pulled up provides part of that balance surely? Anyway, I'm done with the derail now

I am genuinely at a loss as to why what I have said has bothered you so much or why you regard it as a derail. I commented that I liked getting another point of view and gave my (legitimate) view given the responses on thread. Its incomprehensible to me that you are irked by that or want to dismiss it as a derail.

I'm sorry I haven't had time trft but I absolutely must say @PucePanther on first page is wrong! Not just a different opinion, but wrong. She has implied that the children are unhappier in divorce as if it is a blanket fact across the board. That is not true. I don't doubt they could be depending on the circumstances. But, it isn't necessarily so. I'm divorcing, and categorically, my children are fine, absolutely fine. We are lucky as well that financially they are not impacted. Illl come back and re read all later, so apologies of this message isn't in keeping with where thread goes.

I’ve got several friends in this position. In all those cases, they ended things. They are all happier. All have new relationships. One has had more children and I love seeing her photos because she’s so happy and always smiling. She was brave and risked it but surely there’s more out there than a loveless marriage.