I don't love my DH what the hell do I do?

[WorryBadger]

I've finally faced up to the fact that while I care deeply about my DH, I don't love him and I don't think I ever did. We have a comfortable life, and get on well, and have a lovely daughter. I can't see how driving a truck through all that would be good for anyone. Yet I'm miserable and unfulfilled and have a strong sense of "Is this it?"
Is this normal? Are millions of other people just rubbing along OK? I can't believe that the norm would be life-long love between two people, it's never been the norm in history.

Don't know where I'm going with this, it's just that now I have admitted this to myself, it feels huge and I can't put it back in the box and pretend I never saw it.

@Welcometonowhere - I agree that the "ick" is a childish lot of crap, and that often kids don't know the mum is unhappy. I do disagree though that feeling suicidal due to the demise of a non abusive marriage is rare. I am an ex MH nurse, and nursed so many people whose mental health had plummeted to this point due to an unhappy but not terrible marriage. Its the "too good to leave but too bad to stay" pressure of decision making that tips people over the edge. Along with understandable guilt about what may happen to the DC and their exP. It's really not that rare at all, people just try to keep a lid on their misery and then, in time, sometimes their MH suffers due to it and they end up mentally on their knees.

We're simply saying that such feelings are common and normal, that she herself has to take responsibility for making her own life fulfilling

Which ignores the situation where many people have lives which are incredibly fulfilling, bringing into sharp focus the fact that their marriage is not.

This insistence that people look to their partners to fulfill all their needs, and ditch them when they don't, is simplistic at best. Sometimes, it's really just that the marriage has become a shell and that it has become a gilded cage. If people could turn their marriages around, knowing the impact that divorce has on kids, don't you think they would? It's patronising to imply women just think about themselves and are unhappy due to a general lack of fulfilment. Some of us are able to see life through a more nuanced lense than that.

I don’t know SirChing: it is perhaps very much dependent on the exact nature of what went wrong in the marriage. I can of course see that the sort of marriage where there is a lot of arguing, sulking, tit-for-tat behaviour is going to make everybody unhappy.

However, this is worlds apart from a relationship where the two are extremely courteous and respectful to and about one another, appreciate what the other does, but live as friends rather than lovers.

I spent a very long time single before marrying my husband so perhaps this skews my perspective somewhat but while there were enjoyable aspects to my ‘old’ life, I also struggled with many aspects of it. It can be lovely and peaceful but it can also be dull and lonely. Finances can be difficult, given that you have to fund everything from one salary and things tend to be more expensive as you do need to go out and do some things, if only to ensure you aren’t a hermit and either having to engage with things like Meet-up and the dire prospect of walking groups on Sunday mornings or spending your thirties standing freezing trying to snatch a few minutes uninterrupted chat with your friends at the park as they push toddlers on swings

The love I have for my husband is really for my entire family, we are a unit. I do think it is dangerous to place your happiness on romantic love, which is fickle, sexual attraction more so.

@Welcometonowhere Well, if you struggled with lots of aspects of being single, I can see why remaining in a marriage where it's a friendship seems preferable.

I guess if you are perfectly happy single, then it's less appealing to stay in a relationship which has lost all emotional and physical intimacy, and is a shell of what it was in the first 10 to 15 years.

People, especially the OP, should do what feels absolutely right for them, after immense soul searching and reflection, either alone or with counselling. That will all depend on what you can cope with. We are not all the same, so whether OP chooses to stay or not, it does her a disservice for PPs to imply that if she leaves, it's due to a lack of maturity or failure to realise the impacts of divorce, or pinning all her fulfillment on her DH.

I think welcometonowhere makes a good point that there’s a huge difference in boredom and feeling “is this it?”or living with someone you dislike and whenever you are in the same room there is an atmosphere and either ignoring or nitpicking which is a horrible way to live. I suppose only the OP knows how long she’s been feeling this way or whether it’s a new thing & only she can decide if it’s something she can live with or not. All I know is I have felt this way before in my marriage especially when the DCs were little but I’m glad I stuck with it because now I don’t feel that way at all. Obviously everyone’s situation is different but some bad times doesn’t mean the whole relationship is worth giving up. It’s up to everyone to decide what is right for them and their family.

That’s over simplifying what I said SirChing.

It isn’t about whether you struggle with being single or not (I did a twenty year stretch, I was dumped aged 18 and had given up at 38 when I met DH. So I’m hardly someone who manages six months before falling into despair!)

It’s about recognising that at a very simple level, actions have consequences and the consequences of ending a non abusive marriage can cause ripples of impact that can last a very long time.

@lostintheday

I think PucePanther is getting an unduly hard time here.

Its nice to see a bit of balance about what single parent hood can be like. Everyone's situation is different. Not every mother who becomes a single parent will be able to support her family, or spend time with her kids as she is working so hard, or suddenly be happy and carefree when she is worn down by the worry of poverty, or have a support network of family and friends. Or have the money to date or childcare to form a new relationship, or indeed to socialise at all. Not all kids will be happy in their new situation. You see posts here quite commonly from utterly worn out single parents.

Some mothers are happier after a split. But each woman's situation is different, she will know what her situation will be like upon splitting, financially, socially, mentally. She will know what resources she will or won't have to make a new life. She will know the disposition and situation of her kids and the impact a split will have on them (not just the split but the other life changes following it). She will then have to judge how bad the current situation is and whether the move will lead to an improved situation for her / her kids and then have to balance this to make a choice.

I don't think it is fair to lambast a poster for talking about her experience and how it affected her, just because it wasn't other people's experience. She has a legitimate point of view, as do those for whom a split was the best thing.

I agree with this, having seen both sides of it. Each situation is different, and much also depends on whether it is handled in the best way for the children rather than what suits the adults.

My parents were not well matched and married too young. However, they made little effort to save their marriage. Then, upon divorcing, we were moved to a different region, to new schools, and it did severe damage to us all. Our parents were toxic about each other after the acrimonious split, and both remarried people who were completely unsuitable as step parents. As a result, our childhoods were traumatic and we were much worse off in every way.

My own husband cheated and left us when my children were babies. He also said he "never loved me". As PP have said it's important to explore what you mean by love. For him it meant the excitement of new relationships, so he skips from one to the next to the next. That is not love.

Separation has worked out fine for me, after the initial aftermath and emotional hurt. My children are happy and secure, they have a lovely home in a better area than previously as I've secured two payrises since then. They were also young enough to know no different: although it was extremely hard for me single parenting with such young children, the emotional impact of divorce is usually much worse for older children as their whole world is thrown upside down.

I am actually happier now than I've been in many years but if separating had involved children moving away from their friends or school, or not being financially secure, that might be a different story.

What strikes me from a large number of the comments on here is how much of it is focussed on finding a new man. I have absolutely no desire to do that, I don't need or want one. We are happy. And moving in a "step parent" is a risk I would simply never take with my children, it is not fair on them to have to live with someone else, and in cases like my own childhood it is physically dangerous.

Separate and start a new relationship if you must but put your children's needs first as they had no choice in this. Let them have a home with just you and them. Ensure an amicable relationship with your ex (which in your place OP should be easy from what you've said. Mine had behaved appallingly so it was hard to do this but it had to be a priority for the children). And plan how to find happiness and build a different life on your own. This idea that parents need to jump into a relationship with someone else to be happy is a source of many of the problems that arise for children following divorce, IMO.

Sounds as if you are quite a woman, giraffe

Be proud

@Welcometonowhere

Sounds as if you are quite a woman, giraffe

Be proud

What a lovely thing to say. Thank you!

"people insisting the children are clearly woefully unhappy due to telepathic signals from the mother and I REALLY don’t think that’s true."

Its not telepathic signals fgs! When a mother (or father) ia desperately unhappy, this WILL manifest in various ways, of which the children will pick up on. There is no way someone can be miserable and unhappy and not have it have some kind of affect on the children.

I've lived through it. The difference in my children now I'm not desperately unhappy is huge. Yet they themselves would probably tell you they didn't notice this when we were all living it. Because it was normal to them and they didn't know any different. Just like it was normal to them that their dad slept on the sofa throughout their lives and were surprised when DP started staying over and he stayed in my bed. They assumed he would be sleeping on the sofa because it was normal to them. Now they see me happy and laughing and messing around with DP and they can look back and see the unhappiness. As a result they are much calmer, less shouting etc.

Their dad is depressed and doesn't always hide it. I can see the tension and uncertainty in my children. They are far clingier with him at times and appear more anxious. They are completely picking up on his depression. Ex told me about behaviour he's getting from DD and I did not recognise the child he's talking about as she is nothing like he described with me.

So yes, an unhappy parent/household WILL have a negative affect on children because we all transfer our moods onto those around us. It's got bugger all to do with telepathy.

If you are or were dealing with a depressed partner then that’s a bit different, isn’t it? I’m not being contentious but getting all FGS about relationships that aren’t madly passionate but are working is not quite the same.

I also don’t think children are intrinsically distressed by parents sleeping separately, to be honest. Sometimes it’s just a logistical move. It is here. I go to bed early and get a few hours while DH sees to the baby. Then I am on baby duty from about 11 onwards.

Now for instance DH is on his laptop and I’m on my phone. It might be easy to think children would see a huge gulf and disconnect between their parents. In actual fact I am thinking how much respect I have for DH, as he is working into the evening to support his family, who he loves.

Sometimes, it’s all about what you want to see.

Its not telepathic signals fgs! When a mother (or father) ia desperately unhappy

I think the clue there is 'desperately unhappy'. Yes, an extremely unhappy mother will have an effect. I have been that mother and when I realised how it was affecting my parenting and my kids I realised I needed to sort myself out. So I did. But other times when I am deeply unhappy about some aspects of my life they are not so overwhelming that they prevent me from being genuinely happy when I am with my kids.

I also don’t think children are intrinsically distressed by parents sleeping separately, to be honest

Yes, some extremely happily married and fully consumate marriages have parents who sleep separately for various reasons.

To be honest I didn't bother reading your op,it felt unnecessary. If you don't love him, leave him and give the poor guy a chance at happiness.

@Welcometonowhere

I don’t think children feel bad because of the word ‘broken home’ but there are a number of things adults really do need to consider.

1. I’m going to be flamed to a crisp for this, but it’s very, very common for the relationship with the non resident parent to change dramatically following a split. This is usually the father. I know countless people will respond to this insisting I’m wrong but actually on a statistical basis I’m not. Men will often take up with another woman and be a dedicated stepfather.

1. The relationship with the mother also changes once she meets someone new. Maybe she won’t, but tbh it sounds as if this OP wants to.

Again, look at statistics. The most dangerous thing you can do is bring an unrelated male into your child’s home.

1. Finances are an issue. Is daft to say they aren’t. Keeping two homes going is more expensive than one, stability matters to children. They lose their home, bedrooms, garden, contact with friends sometimes. Their worlds are small and you uproot them entirely.

1. Inheritances are an issue, again, daft to dismiss this. It doesn’t mean no one should get divorced but it is something to think about.

Imagine you are 10 say and your world has been homework, friends, sports clubs and school. Within the space of twelve months, your mum and dad have divorced. Mum now has a boyfriend and you don’t dislike him but you feel a bit stiff and awkward around him because he isn’t family and you haven’t known him long, things like having a shower and leaving a mess in the bathroom have him complaining and sighing and it makes you feel uncomfortable in your own home. Dad also has a girlfriend and you only see him once a fortnight now. The rejection really stings, especially as the girlfriend has two daughters who your dad must love more than he loves you (he’s moved in with the girlfriend and there are photos of her kids all over the house, but not one of you.)

No one is abusing you, you are well fed, you have a home, clothes, even cuddles. But just the same you don’t feel completely comfortable at either of your two homes and you’ve learned both your parents value romantic relationships over you. As you go into your teens, you spend more and more time outside of the house - maybe you meet someone a bit older, with a place of their own. He DOES love you. He says so. Revising for your exams is hard because although mums boyfriend is polite enough he really doesn’t want you around and dads girlfriend is now outwardly hostile after you argued with her DD. You manage OK, but nothing like your potential.

Do you see what I’m getting at? That’s the type of divorce where the parents are happy and they probably can’t see how displaced and unhappy their own child is, and she can’t tell them.

Finally reading through the rest of the thread after my earlier post and this is so eloquently put. People really, really need to think not just about whether to break up, but also what they do afterwards. The children's welfare has to be prioritised and so, so often it is not.

@Welcometonowhere, what a perfect post highlighted above which I didn't see before. It encapsulates the common childhood experience of divorce that so many like to ignore or belittle as it gets in the way of their desire to selfishly pursue whatever they want. People on here are talking about feeling suicidal, about being the ones who were left by their husbands etc. which are sad situations but are not what the OP has described about her own situation at all.

The point about introducing unrelated adult men into your home is also a commonly overlooked one. Many mothers are paranoid about paedophiles snatching their kids from the street but think nothing of happily moving in their replacement man into the very home of the same young kids! As above, moving in an unrelated male into the house is a significant abuse risk, as well as the discomfort for the child of having to share what was your family home and your private life with a man you have absolutely nothing to do with.

As someone whose "step father" sexually abused me I absolutely agree: my mother claims, to this day, she was oblivious to it, which is actually terrifying if I believe it as it was so obvious. I suppose that often people see what they wish to see.

I would never move a new man into my house with my children (although I appreciate my hard line on this is coloured by my own experience, it does seem that many people do not properly consider this risk).

Many step parents may be very involved and love children just as their parents do but I believe they are a minority. Most are harmless and tolerate them but the children feel the resentment that really their preference is for them not to be there. In fact there was a "hahaha I'm an evil step mother" thread on here today full of this. Children feel it, deeply, and end up feeling they belong nowhere, even if there is no abuse.

As I said in my first post I think every situation is different as it's so complex and there are so many factors to consider. No answer fits all and nobody can really advise the OP, only give her their thoughts and experiences for her to assess her own situation. But I do have a fundamental belief that it's fine to leave a marriage if you are unhappy, BUT in doing so you should then make decisions to prioritise the children's welfare. No unrelated partners living in their homes, no moving away and changing schools, etc.,

And making sure that the parents put aside their differences and co-parent properly (obviously excluding abusive situations) so that the children don't ever feel like they have to choose between them.

I think it's important this conversation centres the children and their needs, and how those can be met even if a couple decide to separate.

My ex did terrible things, to me. He left, our relationship vanished overnight. But I have always encouraged his contact with the children, our Christmas presents etc to them are joint, we spend their birthdays with them together, etc. I don't want them to ever feel awkwardness because of our choices or mistakes, or have to have relative strangers staying/ living in their homes because or our mistakes. Or have to choose who they spend Christmas with etc. It can be managed in a way to limit the damage to them, OP, if you feel that separating is the only way forward.

It's been really good to get all different kinds of responses from you all, thank you to everyone who took time out to reply.

I'm 46. There is no abuse of any kind in this marriage, I'm just not 'in love'. I cannot imagine that at my age I'd have my pick of wonderful handsome baggage-free men to choose from and waltz off into the sunset with - and as a PP said one quick look at the 40+ dating threads is enough to put anyone off for life. I don't actually want anyone else. I just want to be able to appreciate all the good things I have in my life, but for some reason I cannot.

@PolkadotGiraffe I feel exactly the same as you. I would never trust another man to live with my children. How many kids are abused or even killed by step fathers. Terrifying.

From your update OP, are you sure that it's your relationship that is making you unhappy? It sounds more like a general dissatisfaction that you may be projecting onto the relationship to some extent (not that I'm implying that the relationship is perfect, no such thing exists IMO! I mean rather that other things may be magnifying its problems if you see what I mean).

You say you do not want anyone else, so this means you think you'd be happier alone than with your husband? And when you say you are not "in love", what does that mean to you? How would being in love feel in terms of what would be different to what you have now? You clearly care about and respect your husband so what is missing: is it romance, or affection, or conversation, or just the lack of desire that comes from being in each other's pockets too much (especially after this year!)?

I do think therapy to explore these things (perhaps first on your own and then together) might be helpful, to help you to clarify your thoughts either way. Don't rush any decisions, it's been a bizarre and difficult year and there is a tendency for people to make rash choices around Christmas even in normal years. Be kind to yourself and give yourself some time to reflect.

This is a real eye-opening Ted talk.

https://www.ted.com/talks/estherperellthesecretttodesireeinaalongtermm_relationship/up-next?language=en

I really hope you find your happiness and make whatever is the best decision for you and your family.

I agree with @PolkadotGiraffe, you can find yourself at a situation where you question yourself, your achievements and your future. I think a lot of us have and i detect this is becoming more prevalent in current climate with many people! The relationship may be a big part of that, but who knows, perhaps your DH feels the same and, maybe he would like to join you with some changes to your life.

Also (and this might be way off the mark) you are 46 and probably heading towards menopause and this can bring up lots of feelings of dissatisfaction and emotions all over the place so could be another factor in how you are feeling.

So why is it fair to the OPs husband that he gets a wife who doesn't actually love him? Presumably he doesn't know this. That doesn't seem fair on him at all.

"In love" is very different from "love" and for most people is relatively short-lived.

I think you're looking for something else, and you won't find it in a man, including your DH.

People have far too high expectations. Life isn't Mills & Boon. Even if you leave where's the guarantee the perfect man is just round the corner.

^This I agree with. I've been married for 17 years. My DH and I really do still love each other, but we're both worn down by raising two adopted DDs, as DD1 (11) has SEN and many adoption related attachment issues. And also by my MH issues relating to my childhood SA.

So do I feel like I'm 'in love'? Sadly, right now not at all, and I suspect the same is true for my DH. We're there for each other and our DDs, and right now that really is enough. At some point we'll have to work on our marriage, but that's very much on hold.

I agree that there's a lot of confusion about what being 'in love' means. No one can remain in that phase for very long, because life gets in the way.

It may well be the case that your DH is having similar feelings, so I think the best way forward is therapy, both as a couple and separately.