I don't love my DH what the hell do I do?

[WorryBadger]

I've finally faced up to the fact that while I care deeply about my DH, I don't love him and I don't think I ever did. We have a comfortable life, and get on well, and have a lovely daughter. I can't see how driving a truck through all that would be good for anyone. Yet I'm miserable and unfulfilled and have a strong sense of "Is this it?"
Is this normal? Are millions of other people just rubbing along OK? I can't believe that the norm would be life-long love between two people, it's never been the norm in history.

Don't know where I'm going with this, it's just that now I have admitted this to myself, it feels huge and I can't put it back in the box and pretend I never saw it.

My parents stayed married and shouldn’t have done, my siblings and I all absorbed very unhealthy messages about relationships that took a long time to dismantle. I was married to someone who over time became an alcoholic, and who endangered my children’s lives so they were certainly better off with us divorcing although my older son in particular would have preferred us to stay together regardless. I have worked in the past with social services teams, and children who are being removed from abusive homes almost always want to stay with their parents, it can take years for them to say they don’t want to see them. What children want is not a good indicator of what is the best thing to do. It’s not as simple as just being selfless and putting them first.

How long have you been together and how old are you both?
Sometimes we go through different stages in our lives and feel disconnected.
People continue to grow and change. Not everyone can grow and change with you.
We might be able to offer more advice if you give a few more details.

What children want is not a good indicator of what is the best thing to do. It’s not as simple as just being selfless and putting them first

Totally agree. I wanted DD to grow up to know what a loving, romantic relationship looked like. Not a shell of a marriage with very little loving affection left, where the parents were slowly dying inside.

Whether it does affect kids or doesn't, all we can do is make the best decision at the time and own our choices. They will be affected by all life throws at them. Including having depressed parents who have stayed in an unsatisfying marriage FOR them. I honestly think that it isn't so much divorce that's the issue, but the way it's handled re the kids.

@PucePanther

I tend to think that if you have everything except love then that’s enough, at least while you have kids to raise. If you leave him you’d be a lot worse off and not guaranteed to find love with someone else. You can divorce him and look for love when your kids are grown up.

This is an important point. Why would you want to leave him and let him get on wiith his life now, while you still need to use him for your own advantage? Much more sensible to keep leading him on and get everything you can out of him, then throw him on the scrapheap later when there's nothing more you need out of him.

@Welcometonowhere - And not asking school is obviously fine if that's your approach. We happened to want to learn from the mistakes that other couples made with their kids, and divorce as "well" as possible. So, we asked advice from the teacher who probably spends more hours with DD than I do in a week, and who DD trusts implicitly. If we hadn't agreed with the advice, we wouldn't have taken it. And I wouldn't have asked a secondary school teacher. I am happy to take advice and mull it over from many sources. I don't believe that teachers just know their subject and that's it. Particularly a primary SENCO who has had extensive dealings with us for years.

What happens when you get the 'ick' and you can't bring yourself to have sex with him anymore? Yes you can kick the can down the road but it will still be there to deal with next year and the year after while you are getting older. You have one life.

My view is, if your “ bored” thinking is this it... chances are he may be too? Time to sit down and have a chat together?
I don’t think this is a year to judge your relationship on, we ve all been through the wringer even if a relationship has been good.

I can tell you from experience that life will be harder than you ever thought if you choose to split. It will get better but may take a few years unless you are really well off and can sort a new home, childcare easily.

My divorce set me back ten years at least financially and emotionally .

They'll always be a price to pay whichever way you choose.
PucePanther makes some very true and honest points (I was in the same position as a child, so can very much see it from that point of view).
Equally there are justified arguments the other way round.
It's a terrible dilemma and a very common one.

@welcometonowhere There is nothing broken about mine and my children's home thank you very much. Their dad doesn't live with us anymore because he is a cheat and a liar and I'm not prepared to martyr myself until I'm in my mid 50s. I work hard to maintain sucesfuly maintain our lifestyle, my girls are growing into independent and resourceful young women and we have a very nice life the three of us. It would take a very, very special man for me to consider letting him into our family life.

There are many other important dimensions to the stability children need apart from parents living together.

I felt a lot like you OP. It took me a long time to be able to admit it to myself and even longer to make that decision. In the end my MH just got worse as I was so unhappy and unfulfilled. H and I didn't not get on, but there was just...nothing. I was grumpy and snappy, which made me a crappy mum even though I did my best and did pretty much everything. H was moody and would never address anything and was like my child rather than a partner.

In the end there were a few deciding factors for me. I found messages which I were hoping meant affair, apparently it wasn't but I was disappointed. My friend was going through similar and ended up meeting someone else. In her words she saw her chance at happiness and took it, which made me realise I was hoping for the same and I just knew we would split at some point. I also read on here about how children will mirror the relationship they were modelled which scared the hell out of me. They had never even seen H and I share a bed as he slept on the sofa and had done for all of their lives. They thought this was perfectly normal.

I did end it. I am like a different person these days. So much happier, calmer, better parent and I don't feel like my life is passing me by. I am with someone else and it's just amazing. Like a pp said, I had loved my ex at some point but not deeply. I had no idea what that felt like until now. I've noticed my kids are calmer too, there is far less shouting going on (ex's standard parenting) and no constant slightly tense atmosphere.

I never regretted it for a second and I truely believe it will have done my kids the world of good to see what a healthy, loving relationship looks like.

I’ve no idea why people are talking about broken homes to me. I didn’t use that phrase and nor do I in common parlance.

Getting the ick is a phrase that stems from cosmopolitan magazine, aimed at younger women who are casually dating. It isn’t and shouldn’t be applicable to marriage where children are concerned.

Why would you want to leave him and let him get on wiith his life now, while you still need to use him for your own advantage?
They’re his kids as well. Staying together to give OUR kids the best possible life isn’t me using him.

You leave, because hanging in there for the kids or financial stabiity doesn't work and you leave yourself vulnerable to having an attraction to someone else and Having an affair.

I’m not a fan of divorce if it can be avoided and everything has been done to try to fix it. If it hasn’t then I don’t believe people have tried hard enough, particularly when no abuse or cheating involved.

As a child of divorced parents I certainly didn’t want to see my mum having boyfriend after boyfriend and then making me live with someone else’s kids. It’s purely selfish behaviour for your own gratification.

@Welcometonowhere

I’ve no idea why people are talking about broken homes to me. I didn’t use that phrase and nor do I in common parlance.

Getting the ick is a phrase that stems from cosmopolitan magazine, aimed at younger women who are casually dating. It isn’t and shouldn’t be applicable to marriage where children are concerned.

Because you said this:

I don’t think children feel bad because of the word ‘broken home’ but there are a number of things adults really do need to consider.

You specifically said that you don't think the phrase makes children feel bad. So people have tried to explain to you that it does...

I was quoting another poster. I wouldn’t dream of using the phrase to anybody, child or adult. What I was trying to challenge (gently) was the idea that all would be well in the world of children of divorced parents if only people didn’t refer to them as coming from broken homes. I don’t think this is what causes the issues. It doesn’t mean I would use the phrase myself.

“Your children will never know happiness and will know their parents are a pair of unhappy wastrels” is such a cliché here on MN. Kids are stupid and usually blissfully unaware of their parents relationship issues if they’re not literally kicking off. Give them some credit

My parents stayed together for the nice life and children., we had all the dance lessons, nice holidays, great birthday parties. They didn't argue but it was a miserable environment and I'm still sad for my mum she didn't feel she couldnt leave. Years later and she is an alcoholic as that became her way out. Thankfully times have moved on and women have more options and less shame these days.

I modelled this crap example in my own marriage (as did my ex) before deciding to separate. No regrets aside from wishing I had die it earlier. *
*

What's never been the norm until very recently in history is this expectation that another human being, who has their own needs, wants and imperfections, exists to fulfil us for the rest of our lives. That's a massive, unfair, and unrealistic burden for just one person.

How much OP are you doing to fulfil him and ensure he himself does not have a sense of "is this it?" about his relationship with you? It's easy to be self centred and focus on "me me me", but true love is the exact opposite of that. Love is a 'doing' word, and is not the same as lust or romance.

You're also responsible for your own happiness. You've been very blessed with a child and a comfortable life. Often people in these situations preoccupy themselves with what they perceive to be lacking instead of the abundance they already have. If you're unfulfilled do some volunteering to steer away you mind from yourself to helping others less fortunate, try out some new/interesting things, focus on your husband and daughter and deepening your family bonds by daily acts of love for them. I also recommend the book "Mr Good Enough" by Lori Gottleib.

@OCD10

I’m not a fan of divorce if it can be avoided and everything has been done to try to fix it. If it hasn’t then I don’t believe people have tried hard enough, particularly when no abuse or cheating involved.

As a child of divorced parents I certainly didn’t want to see my mum having boyfriend after boyfriend and then making me live with someone else’s kids. It’s purely selfish behaviour for your own gratification.

Agree with this. Unfortunately, looking at things from the child's perspective is not a popular one on Mumsnet where many are divorce happy and are only too happy to advise others to rip their families apart since they know they won't be the ones to pick up the pieces.

What exactly is the OP going to leave for anyway?? How many kind, lovely men are really out there, especially at her age? Yes she may get some temporary spark with someone else but what will she give up to get it, is what she should be asking herself. A cursory look at 40+ dating threads even on this forum give a snapshot of what she's in for. Even on the off chance she finds someone decent, the fireworks/romance will fade anyway as with any long term relationship and she's back to where she is now apart from a broken marriage and broken home for her daughter! There's a reason why a greater proportion of second marriages/partnerships fail than the first ones. Too many blame the relationship/person rather than look at themselves as the source of their discontentment. Types like this are never satisfied and will always find a way to blame their partner for their unhappiness rather than work on themselves.

@LilyWater I don't think anyone is "divorce happy" on this thread. I was suicidally UNhappy when I was living a half life with my ex. I would rather my child had both parents alive than both parents together.

Everyone knows that lust and romance don't last, and it's patronising for pps to suggest that we end marriages because the thrill has worn off.

When it comes to the point that you would rather live alone with your child, and all the stress and hardship that brings, than be in a shell of a marriage, the marriage is dead.

No-one necessarily expects or wants to meet someone else. That's no reason to stay in something deeply unhappy. Its far lonelier to be lonely with someone than alone.

I can't help but feel that some posters on this thread are making massive presumptions that we don't put the children first. And that we all want a hot new bloke. That's not necessarily the case at all.

I also think some posters are trying to convince themselves they did/are doing the right thing in staying, when in some ways they wished that they hadn't.

Op reading all these posts there’s good opinions on for and against, the answer only lies in you though.
I’d explore why you say “ you don’t love him and probably never did” that will likely give you your true answers as to why you are in this marriage , the pros and cons.You say you get on well, that’s a good starting point for a husband or dating !
Can you build on that though, can you rewind and take it back to basics.
How old is your child btw, I assume young but it could be your child is older and your less needed now. You have more time to analyse everything.
As another poster suggested it could lie within you, you did say you were not sure if it was your marriage or mental health awry.If it’s the latter, talk to your dh, get him on board with helping you both improve your life.
As I said I do think covid has been a real eye opener for all of our relationships including family and friends, we ve had a bit of time to look at our lives like no other time.But if we are feeling miffed with a person, it’s likely they have had their own issues too.I should imagine you talk over problems with your husband, talk over your feelings and see if that changes.Give it 6 months on these changes, then I think you will know.
There will always be people whom it suited to leave , equally it suited them to stay at the time but in hindsight wish they they hadn’t there’s also people who felt like you, sorted it out and stayed that are happy!
I’ve had personal experience of coming from divorced parents via a traumatic experience, I’ve been the child then adult of a parent that stayed in a 2nd unhappy marriage, listening to all that.I’ve then had 2 divorces, the first because similar to your reasons I didn’t love him, loved the stability but in the end he felt it an cheated, the 2nd cheated on me just because he’s since proved he’s a serial womaniser! I think it probably gives me an insight into it at all angles.
No one answer has been right or wrong for all in involved really.
All I can say like before, Is that unfortunately life is not roses even when it ends,you don’t suddenly get wildly happier immediately, there’s lots of issues to Wade through till you become happier! But a fair amount of that comes from within you pushing yourself to find what makes you happy.You can do that as a pair or solo.

I’m in a similar position. What makes it harder is our children have disabilities. I work around them and so don’t bring in lots of money. Unfortunately I’m unhappy as I feel I lack dh’s support with the kids. Our parenting is slightly different and he opts out of the stuff he doesn’t want to do and leaves me to pick it up. I’m just not sure going it alone would be easy with kids with special needs and money worries on top. Unfortunately he’s caused a lot of resentment from me, despite talking to him and asking for help. We rub along okay and we don’t argue, the kids have disabilities so wouldn’t notice any tension. I’m sad as I feel unfulfilled and this isn’t the type of marriage I want so I’m stuck.

It’s a hard situation to be in. Sometimes people revel who they actually are when you’ve had kids.

Why did you marry him, OP? How are you defining 'love'? If you've never loved him, what's changed now, to make it unbearable?

PPs on both 'sides' of this make points that are very eloquent and worth considering, but you've provided so little detail (as is your right) that it's almost impossible for us to tell which 'side' this comes down on.

I also think whoever said this is perhaps not the year to judge a marriage on is very astute.

@BubblyBarbara

“Your children will never know happiness and will know their parents are a pair of unhappy wastrels” is such a cliché here on MN. Kids are stupid and usually blissfully unaware of their parents relationship issues if they’re not literally kicking off. Give them some credit

Barb, you're talking out of your arse.