I don't love my DH what the hell do I do?

[WorryBadger]

I've finally faced up to the fact that while I care deeply about my DH, I don't love him and I don't think I ever did. We have a comfortable life, and get on well, and have a lovely daughter. I can't see how driving a truck through all that would be good for anyone. Yet I'm miserable and unfulfilled and have a strong sense of "Is this it?"
Is this normal? Are millions of other people just rubbing along OK? I can't believe that the norm would be life-long love between two people, it's never been the norm in history.

Don't know where I'm going with this, it's just that now I have admitted this to myself, it feels huge and I can't put it back in the box and pretend I never saw it.

Here's a question - how long does love last in marriage before morphing into caring and companionship?

I don't know, I guess the bigger question is, are you happy? You say you wonder if there is more to life, is that in general, or in regards to a husband? I have been madly in love with someone who was awful in every other way, and similarly not been head over heels with someone who is amazing in every other way; ideally you would get a balance of both, but I don't think it works out that way always. Theres a fine line in my opinion between being realistic and knowing your worth and not settling. If you are unhappy and feel like you want more from a partner then of course that's okay, but if you are unhappy broadly and are hoping a partner will change that, it won't be the case. Not sure if that makes sense, but I know what I mean haha!

@praepondero

Here's a question - how long does love last in marriage before morphing into caring and companionship?

You can't have caring and companionship without love, imo. And i absolutely reject this narrative that love fades or changes into something else. The honeymoon gloss wears off, sex might (might) slow down a bit, but love can and should last. You just have to pick the right person.

Love is a choice. You can choose to love somebody.

@Ohalrightthen
My I ask, how long have you been married and deeply-truly-madly loved your DH, please ignore this if too personal. I would just like to see whether it's experience or idealism talking.

@praepondero bore off. Parents that stay together just for the sake of their children teach their children to be weak and not prioritise their mental well-being & happiness. A HIGH percentage of adults with depression and anxiety come from homes where their parents stayed together. And a HIGH percentage of men that commit suicide are men who were unhappy in their personal lives and couldn’t see a way out. Happiness IS vital. For absolutely everyone involved.

[quote praepondero]@Ohalrightthen
My I ask, how long have you been married and deeply-truly-madly loved your DH, please ignore this if too personal. I would just like to see whether it's experience or idealism talking.[/quote]
We've been together 10 years and ive truly-madly-deeply loved him the whole time. Both my parents and his are on 40+ years of marriage and are still "in love", as are my maternal grandparents, who celebrated 75 years together in the summer.

In contrast, my paternal grandparents are utterly miserable together, "had" to get married as my granny was pregnant and it was 1955, and i don't think have ever been genuinely in love.

I didn’t give a shit about whether my mother felt happier. I just wanted to be in a nice home with decent peers and money for extra curricular activities.

Bloody hell @PucePanther

That's extremely selfish and unpleasant!

OP, I think you need to think very carefully about all this. What would happen if you split? Can you afford it? Co-parenting can be fine if both parties are reasonable about it. Children do sense unhappiness and really, what happens when they are older? You will get more and more unhappy and resentment will set in, big time.
Staying together to maintain the status quo is one possibility, but really, is it the right choice?

Do you have a good companion and partner for raising your shared child? Then don’t do anything rash. Give it some time. Focus on the good in your life and finding fulfillment within yourself. Maybe even seek personal counseling. You can always break a marriage, but you can’t un-break it.

Sometimes life is really mundane. Especially now. Depends on the person and what they need to be fulfilled but we all reach points in a relationship/job/town/friendship where you just don't feel excited by it.
Sometimes a crisis in one area of life is illuminating. I had a friendship disaster a few years ago which made me realize some of my most mundane and bla friends were actually the best ones. Honest, dependable, genuine, sane. The "exciting" ones had that fun spark to them but there was not much underneath.
Been through stages at work where I feel pretty meh about it and have even applied for other jobs but a big promotion was waiting around the corner and I fell in love with it again.
Happiness can be a moment of instant gratification or it can be something subtle that kind of lingers in the background and you don't realize the long-term value it adds to your life.
Maybe start keeping a private gratitude journal of the small ways your dh makes you happy on a daily basis. Try to look for those things. If you can't fill anything out then it might be time to reconsider the relationship but hopefully you will start seeing the "mundane" things in a more positive light.
Also look actively at things that seem appealing and instantly gratifying. Often these things are not really good for us long term and should be enjoyed in measure. Falling in love/A love affair has a limited life span and involve big risk. Love is not always reciprocated in these cases.
I think once you are married to someone it is much easier to fall in love with that person (as long as they are a kind and decent person) than to go back to the drawing board. But... If you try, and you can't, then you just can't.

I don’t get why people are being negative towards pucepanther. Children are Naturly self-centered. It’s part of development. The time to put others above yourself is when you are a parent and you prioritize your child above all.

I think when you find true love it never really goes away. A lot of people settle for a decent kind of love to make them want to get married and have children. But TRUE LOVE (sounds a bit Disney-like) never dies!
Examples would be the old couples in their 90’s married for 70 years or so. One dies and the other is simply bereft.
I’d second the pp who suggests to imagine life without your DH. The grass isn’t always greener.

@praepondero

Majority of children with serious behavioural difficulties come from broken homes. Why do you think that is? There are multitudes of other factors, clearly, but broken homes/absent fathers seem to be common denominator, sadly.

Please stop using the"broken home" cliché.

Can't you understand that some families are actually very intact, in all sorts of significant ways, after the parents split up?

I don’t understand how @PucePanther can criticise someone for leaving an unhappy marriage when they have a child when they have married someone they don’t love and brought a child into the world with someone they don’t love? Am I missing something?!

Bloody hell to anyone using the phrase 'broken home' please rethink.

It's an outdated and judgemental phrase that has kept people (mainly women) in unhappy situations for far too long as it's so laden with negativity and judgement.

It is also a horrible label for children to hear when their parents aren't together. It labels them as part of something broken and lesser than other families - I don't think people realise the impact the phrase has on children.

It's perfectly possible for separated people to coparent healthily and happily with the child's best interests prioritised for all involved.

Bloody hell @PucePanther That's extremely selfish and unpleasant!

Puce said ' I didn't give a shit', she was a child. She was a child who went through a move and change she clearly found very distressing. The ' decent peers' comment suggests a child who felt very disconnected to, perhaps even frightened by, her new peer group. Calling a child who has gone through a change they find distressing ' selfish and unpleasant' is pretty in appropriate.

Mn is very pro leaving, fixed in its belief that a mother who isn’t in throes of ecstasy all of the time will leave children more damaged than divorce, leaving their childhood home, only seeing their parent 50% of the time and having their lives changed forever.

I don’t agree ... but who am I to argue with the collective wisdom of MN?

Well said @youvegottenminuteslynn

Ironically, it's adults using the negative term 'broken home' which perpetuates the notion to children that divorce is 'bad'. If people stopped blooming peddling that shite, maybe it wouldn't feel particularly bad to the children involved.

@Welcometonowhere - or maybe some of us have experience of parents that stayed together in utter misery? It’s not healthy for anyone involved.

@Welcometonowhere

Mn is very pro leaving, fixed in its belief that a mother who isn’t in throes of ecstasy all of the time will leave children more damaged than divorce, leaving their childhood home, only seeing their parent 50% of the time and having their lives changed forever.

I don’t agree ... but who am I to argue with the collective wisdom of MN?

What a complete straw man. Children's lives - and their homes - change all the time. (Where is your concern for the children who move a number of times purely because they live in a rental property, I wonder? Surely they're traumatised beyond redemption, because they had to leave their CHILDHOOD HOME. Whichever one that one was.) And hell, 50% would be a significant INCREASE for an awful lot of children on how much they see their dads.

Divorce is not a nice process or a decision to be taken lightly and it does tend to leave finances in a worse state. But it can absolutely be the right decision. Two homes that aren't full of atmosphere and misery is better than one that is. I can't say whether the OP needs to split up or stay put because it all depends just how unhappy she is and why. Maybe it's her solution, maybe it isn't. But God knows that women get considering their own happiness as completely inconsequential rammed down their throats from the time that they're girlchildren in a way men absolutely don't, so fuck that sideways with a chainsaw. Women's happiness matters. Even - shock! - mothers'.

I don’t think children feel bad because of the word ‘broken home’ but there are a number of things adults really do need to consider.

1. I’m going to be flamed to a crisp for this, but it’s very, very common for the relationship with the non resident parent to change dramatically following a split. This is usually the father. I know countless people will respond to this insisting I’m wrong but actually on a statistical basis I’m not. Men will often take up with another woman and be a dedicated stepfather.

1. The relationship with the mother also changes once she meets someone new. Maybe she won’t, but tbh it sounds as if this OP wants to.

Again, look at statistics. The most dangerous thing you can do is bring an unrelated male into your child’s home.

1. Finances are an issue. Is daft to say they aren’t. Keeping two homes going is more expensive than one, stability matters to children. They lose their home, bedrooms, garden, contact with friends sometimes. Their worlds are small and you uproot them entirely.

1. Inheritances are an issue, again, daft to dismiss this. It doesn’t mean no one should get divorced but it is something to think about.

Imagine you are 10 say and your world has been homework, friends, sports clubs and school. Within the space of twelve months, your mum and dad have divorced. Mum now has a boyfriend and you don’t dislike him but you feel a bit stiff and awkward around him because he isn’t family and you haven’t known him long, things like having a shower and leaving a mess in the bathroom have him complaining and sighing and it makes you feel uncomfortable in your own home. Dad also has a girlfriend and you only see him once a fortnight now. The rejection really stings, especially as the girlfriend has two daughters who your dad must love more than he loves you (he’s moved in with the girlfriend and there are photos of her kids all over the house, but not one of you.)

No one is abusing you, you are well fed, you have a home, clothes, even cuddles. But just the same you don’t feel completely comfortable at either of your two homes and you’ve learned both your parents value romantic relationships over you. As you go into your teens, you spend more and more time outside of the house - maybe you meet someone a bit older, with a place of their own. He DOES love you. He says so. Revising for your exams is hard because although mums boyfriend is polite enough he really doesn’t want you around and dads girlfriend is now outwardly hostile after you argued with her DD. You manage OK, but nothing like your potential.

Do you see what I’m getting at? That’s the type of divorce where the parents are happy and they probably can’t see how displaced and unhappy their own child is, and she can’t tell them.

Bit different to moving multiple times in a rental property respect although tbh I do wish there were tighter laws about this to give children stability.

Having said that though, children can and do come through multiple house moves but emotional instability is different. A stable and loving family background makes up for a great deal of turbulence elsewhere. That’s why refugee children can and do adapt quickly to sleeping in drawers, moving continents (not that they should have to, but it’s possible to come through it.)

Children cope less well when the emotional background becomes shaky. Like in my example above, no one is being cruel or abusive or mean to that child. She just isn’t important to anybody. And she knows it. Compare that to a child who lives in one room with her mum and dad and they have nothing but they’ll give it all to her anyway - I know which one is likelier to come out smiling.

@Welcometonowhere - helpful, but also just one example. One of so many. I get on better with my step dad than my biological one. Again I can’t stress this enough, happy parents make for happy children. It has been proven time and time again. I have so many friends whose parents stayed together when they really shouldn’t have, and every single one of my friends really wishes they didn’t...

It’s incredibly selfish to stay in a relationship when you’ve fallen out of love with someone and they are still in love with you. You’re just using them really.

No one should stay in a marriage they are utterly miserable in but I think few people are still absolutely head over heels in love after many years together. Most people are somewhere in between. Only you can decide whether that is acceptable to you or not but I think when you think about divorce you have to know that you would be happier living apart almost definitely before making that decision. If you are feeling like “is this it” make sure this is definitely because of your DH and not just a general feeling of boredom and monotony that we all experience from time to time. If this is a new feeling I wouldn’t make any rash decisions but if this is something you’ve felt for a long time then that’s different.