I don't love my DH what the hell do I do?

[WorryBadger]

I've finally faced up to the fact that while I care deeply about my DH, I don't love him and I don't think I ever did. We have a comfortable life, and get on well, and have a lovely daughter. I can't see how driving a truck through all that would be good for anyone. Yet I'm miserable and unfulfilled and have a strong sense of "Is this it?"
Is this normal? Are millions of other people just rubbing along OK? I can't believe that the norm would be life-long love between two people, it's never been the norm in history.

Don't know where I'm going with this, it's just that now I have admitted this to myself, it feels huge and I can't put it back in the box and pretend I never saw it.

My usual solution is to read a book. Have you read7 habits of highly effective people?

It can be hugely helpful in helping you understand what you want in life and where your relationship fits with that.

As a parent you can’t just swan off and do whatever makes you happy, your kids have to come first.

What a ridiculous comment. So if OP decides she wants out, she's selfish? My sister made this choice and she's never been happier. They co-parent their two kids, who also have never been happier.

OP, weigh up the pro's and the con's. If you just feel a bit meh about loving him, go for therapy. If it's past that, then have an honest conversation with him and go from there. Don't sacrifice your own happiness (and your child's by staying in an unhappy marriage for them to see) just for the sake of staying with someone. If there's something worth fighting for, then fight for it.

PucePanther and you think her child will be happy witnessing a mother who never really seems happy?
Probably more happy than they’d be living in a dodgy area with no money for anything and no opportunities, a mum who’s always at work, and step siblings who they have to share everything with. Kids are more disadvantaged by poverty than by an unhappy mother.

Define happiness, though. Not a fleeting 'being-in-love' type as that is chemically induced (oxytocin) and is designed not to last.
A marriage where partners rub along nicely but have lives outside said marriage can make one content.
Very few relationships continue in a heightened sense of love/happiness once the initial rush of emotions subsides. Then it's mostly about compromise, getting along and caring for each other.

So if OP decides she wants out, she's selfish?
Yes. Making a decision that benefits you but disadvantages your kids is selfish. You’ve had your crack of the whip - don’t ruin your kids lives by trying to have a second crack.

Fully agree with @PucePanther.

@PucePanther - ruin her kid's life? Jesus Christ. Have you ever spoken to someone whose parents stayed together just because? And with regards to all the reasons she shouldn't do it, you’re making assumptions. Why would they live in a poor area with nothing? Why would there be step siblings involved? Do you actually have experience of any of this? Because I do. I didn’t have much. My mum worked a LOT. Everything she earnt went on our bills and anything extra was spent on my clothes/trips etc. She was a fantastic single parent. Then she met my stepdad who also had two daughters. Things have worked out for all of us. They do for many people. Stop trying to scaremonger her. I’m not going to debate this any further.

@WorryBadger if I were you I’d take some time to think and reflect. No rash decisions but don't ignore your feelings. They're valid. Good luck x

Why do you feel unfulfilled and miserable exactly op? Can you drill down as to why? Because I'm not convinced another person can make us feel that way entirely. I do know where you are coming from though as I am having "is this it?" moments too ATM as my DH works long hours and we don't really have time to talk properly since lockdown, but I am putting that down to the difficult current circumstances.

Can you imagine how you would feel if your DH died for example?

Sometimes we don't fully appreciate what we have until it's gone.
I know it's difficult ATM but can you take some time away to be completely by yourself and think?

@PucePanther coming from someone who's parents stayed together just for the DCs, I could not disagree more. My parents rubbed along fine, but ended up really despising each other. My mother was stuck abroad with no job prospects and my father didn't want to pay for a very costly divorce. The constant level of tension and discourse in the house really fucked me up. Some days were alright others were hell. OP, don't make yourself a martyr for the sake of your children. I spent years of my life wishing my mother left. I promise you, your children will pick up on your unhappiness. Everyone deserves to be happy.

I’m sure the kids will be thrilled for mum and her new found happiness until dad meets someone else and all of a sudden one of them is sleeping in a shed in the garden (if you know you know).

I’d take a browse on the step parents board before I made my decision OP

PucePanther - ruin her kid's life?
Well I can tell you for sure that when I was that kid who was financially worse off because my parents got divorced, I didn’t give a shit about whether my mother felt happier. I just wanted to be in a nice home with decent peers and money for extra curricular activities.

I'd be off, life is too short and I've wasted enough time on Mr "will do". I'd sooner live alone.

To answer the original question, not unusual for two people to get on well but not be 'in love'. There's no hate, no dislike, no mention of unacceptable habits or behaviour.

Me! I have been feeling like this for ages but more so the last few weeks . 😭

How old are you OP and how old is your DD?

I have been through this, ended up splitting, couple of relationships and then married again. Not far off splitting again.

I am still as unfulfilled as I was at the start so beginning to think the problem was all with me rather than anyone else. A relationship alone has never fulfilled me. I find them stifling and get bored with the other person whoever I am with. Maybe the pursuit of relationship happiness is easier for some than for others. Some people are happy with very little and a dull life to one is a fulfilling life to others.

What is it you crave? I crave passion, excitement, new experiences. I like taking risks. I struggle to find my match. They start off that way then settle into dullsville.

It’s always a tricky one when you have small children though. Particularly if they are in that awkward age bracket.

@PucePanther

I would be interested as to why you married someone you never loved Because I didn’t meet someone I did love and I was running out of time. I imagine it’s the same for most people.

I don't know anyone who got married to someone they didn't love.

Can't believe you're calling the OP selfish when you married someone you didn't love just because you were 'running out of time'. Does he know you don't love him?

You have a very worst-case scenario outlook about leaving, that's fine if it helps you justify staying yourself, but there's nothing in the OP to indicate that's what her life would be like.

I have just ended a relationship after 18 years. We have one DD. Granted there was infidelity on my ex's part, but we tried to move past it and it just didn't work. What I've realised is that we had drifted apart for a few years, and neither of us was really happy beforehand.

Staying in a relationship when you're unhappy will eat you up. You don't need a man to make you happy. Happiness comes from within! You owe it to yourself and him to be honest about unhappy you are. Your dd deserves too happy parents, not one whose dying inside because the love has gone. Children will adjust if you keep them informed and work together to minimise disruption.

If your dd came to you in a few years time with the same feelings what would you say? would you tell her to stay in the relationship knowing she was unhappy and likely to become extremely miserable for a long time or would you tell her that life is short and to pursue happiness - whatever form that may take - it is not always found in a relationship.

Well I can tell you for sure that when I was that kid who was financially worse off because my parents got divorced, I didn’t give a shit about whether my mother felt happier. I just wanted to be in a nice home with decent peers and money for extra curricular activities.

What a pleasant child you must have been to not give a crap about your own mother's happiness, and purely money and materials.

@Sickofmysalary

I would stay! I’m in a similar boat.

I realised I didn’t want to be a single parent, I didn’t want to be wandering round places on my own with the kids and spending every other weekend on my own. I don’t want my kids to become someone else’s step kids in the future and end up part of a patchwork quilt of half siblings and step siblings. To me that’s more important than me being with someone I fancy the pants off.

To be fair, you don't know what life as a single parent is like.

I've been on my own with my DCs for years now. Your perception couldn't be further from my reality. Yes, of course there have been ENORMOUSLY tough times, but we are a really happy, close family unit, they see their dad really regularly ( he's very happily remarried so is modelling a positive relationship to the DCs), they have lots of holidays, family support, love. I love spending time with them and am so proud of the young people they are becoming.

If we hadn't split, they would have grown up in a non-"broken", yet VERY broken, home, and learned that the norm is to be miserable with your partner. This is a terrible burden for children, and one they can unwittingly carry into their future adult lives.

@oceanrain8
"... I am still as unfulfilled as I was at the start so beginning to think the problem was all with me rather than anyone else. A relationship alone has never fulfilled me. I find them stifling and get bored with the other person whoever I am with..."

I could have written this. And also the one about marrying because I had had too many years of fantastic, party-filled life and was running out of time. Most of my friends married for similar reasons. Harsh and no-one would admit to it in real life of course, but the blue-eyed wonderment and longing for of Mr Right - who is just around the corner - is so naive. Hanging your happiness on someone else is deluded way of thinking.
When one is very young, one has quite simplistic view on what constitutes 'happiness', as one matures, things become more nuanced and the importance of responsibility to your children takes centre-stage.

@PucePanther

PucePanther and you think her child will be happy witnessing a mother who never really seems happy? Probably more happy than they’d be living in a dodgy area with no money for anything and no opportunities, a mum who’s always at work, and step siblings who they have to share everything with. Kids are more disadvantaged by poverty than by an unhappy mother.

What dreadfully negative stereotypes 😱 Is this how you see single parenting?!

As for no opportunities - PMSL. I'm from a "broken" 😁 home myself - didn't stop me from getting into Oxbridge. My three teens are thriving - socially, academically, emotionally. Perhaps the best thing that happened to them was their parents' divorce.

I suggest you stop reading the Daily Mail.

I suppose you will have two schools of thought:

• those who think it is better to settle for mediocrity because it is comfortable
• those who will tell you you only have one life and it is also is not fair on your partner if you don't truly love them to just stick around for the money/comfort because you are robbing them and yourself of finding a loving partner.

I personally could not make myself have sex with and deceive someone I basically love like a friend but feel no attraction for. I could not 'fake' it.

Saying you should stay for sake of the kids is usually a fake argument. You can be good parents if you are separated and leaving does not mean dire poverty...plus kids can feel when their parents are happy or not.

You also need to consider that your H could leave you. Especially since being with someone who is miserable and doesn't love you is no summer's day picnic. How would you feel if that happened? If he upped and was off in 5 or 10 years, leaving you 5 or 10 years older and facing starting again anyway?

Are you sure this is actually about your relationship? I’ve been feeling the same as you describe, but my relationship with dh is great so I know it’s not that, but a general feeling of dissatisfaction. I have mentally moved house about 10 times this year, thought about changing lifestyle etc. It’s just been such a weird year. I’m not going to make any big decisions while everything is so off kilter and I don’t think you should either.

@PucePanther

PucePanther - ruin her kid's life? Well I can tell you for sure that when I was that kid who was financially worse off because my parents got divorced, I didn’t give a shit about whether my mother felt happier. I just wanted to be in a nice home with decent peers and money for extra curricular activities.

Well hopefully that will tell everyone exactly what sort of person @pucepanther is.