I am a SAHM - I need your opinions

[Amimissingsomethinghere]

I have a 2.5 year old DC and before this I was a teacher. I had a bad pregnancy and suffer with some mild health anxiety. I don’t want to go back to work, I feel I couldn’t cope and the thought of it makes me feel stressed. My DH works full time and works very hard, often into the early hours, but in turn makes a good salary. We do quite well but live in a very expensive area and so in turn we don’t have loads of money left at the end of the month. However, we can afford holidays and dinners out etc. I contribute nothing financially, my DH pays all the bills and controls the finances. However, he trusts and allows me free rein of spending. Therefore I can spend money on myself or buy something for the house without having to ask him. For larger purchases I will ask him.

God, writing that down makes me cringe - ‘ask him’. But that’s just the way it is. He is very loving and generous but here’s where I need your opinion:

DC goes to nursery for two full days a week (around £700 a month). On these days I can do what I like (we have a cleaner who comes for three hours once a week) but I usually end up doing lots - cooking, sorting etc. My husband in turns expects everything to be sort of ‘done’, dinner on the table at night etc but I must say not every night and he would equally be happy with a jacket potato. I also do everything for our son during the week. He gets involved here and there and plays with him and sometimes helps with bath if he’s free but I am expected to wake up every morning with him and if he wakes in the night it’s always me. I am expected to maintain order in the house in terms of organisation and also I do all the laundry and sort his wardrobe.
Is this reasonable? Is this balanced?

I do get two days off but equally I feel exhausted because I’m running around kind of trying to ‘prove’ myself on those days off. I never just sit in front of the telly! The days my DC is not at nursery I look after him and cook dinner etc as usual.

I’m just interested in people’s opinions on this and is anyone else in a similar position?

I’m a bit flabbergasted. I’m not sure I can craft an appropriate response other than you sound like you have a charmed life. Lots of people manage to do all those things - cooking, washing etc without the benefit of a cleaner and 2 days a week childcare. If you don’t wish to go back to work then yes it is your job.

Yes that's perfectly reasonable.

You have one DC and two child free days a week.

I'm a sahm and think in your situation, yes, you should be doing all the house stuff.

Honestly? You have two childfree days and a cleaner? Sounds fine to me.

Sorry OP, normally would I tend to be on the side of the undervalued SAHM rather than the unappreciative DH. But in this case - two full days off per week?! Honestly if you're not happy with the situation you need to go back to work. Then you can start expecting him to be more involved.

Oh gosh, I missed the bit about you having a cleaner too. Blimey, you have it easy!

I'm with your husband.

You don't want to go back to work then you look after your son. You have two days when he is at nursery, you have two days at the weekend when your husband is around.

You do come across as rather entitled. Did you discuss this before having a kid. You've said you don't want to work, not can't and that massively changes the scenario.

Keep your child home with you all week...cleaner isn't needed...of course you should be doing everything else at home...that's your job and contribution to the relationship

That does sound lovely in lots of ways. I do think you could maybe organise the weekend so you get a lie in one day? He sleeps in the other day. When DD was little, it wasn't so much a lack of time, but a lovely lie in I was missing.

I'm kind of gobsmacked also
This is your life? Wow

I'd say you being the one to get up with him might not be fair, but if your DH is working to the early hours that changes things. Honestly....DH is a SAHD and these are all the things he does.....

I’m running around kind of trying to ‘prove’ myself on those days off Maybe the answer is to give yourself a couple of hours of legitimate, guilt-free chill out time during those days? You should still be able to get all your jobs done.

I think it sounds fair. Not sure why you're exhausted.

You're putting yourself in a vulnerable position though if the marriage were to fail. Are you anxious about that? It must be on your mind for you to start this thread. I'm wondering if that anxiety is making you feel exhausted?

Um are kidding? In the act of writing this down, did you not realise how fortunate you are?

You say your husband works into the early hours, you live a comfortable life, have freedom to spend, have a cleaner, have two child free days and you want what? Not to be responsible for anything?

@Divebar

I’m a bit flabbergasted. I’m not sure I can craft an appropriate response other than you sound like you have a charmed life. Lots of people manage to do all those things - cooking, washing etc without the benefit of a cleaner and 2 days a week childcare. If you don’t wish to go back to work then yes it is your job.

This really. I have no words at all

@honeylulu

I think it sounds fair. Not sure why you're exhausted.

You're putting yourself in a vulnerable position though if the marriage were to fail. Are you anxious about that? It must be on your mind for you to start this thread. I'm wondering if that anxiety is making you feel exhausted?

This. You are very vulnerable financially if your marriage were to end. I realize it's not the point of this thread, but do you have a plan to get back to work?

I'm a SAHM and while my DH is working I do everything around the house and to do with our DC. When he's not at work we both pitch in and do things together. We take it in turns to put the children to bed and whoever wakes up first gets up early with the DC (usually my DH tbh as he's a lighter sleeper and more of a morning person!). We're a good team and it works well. We both recognise when the other is feeling a bit burnt out and give them a break. That's how it works for us.

Are you sure that you don't want to get any sort of job?

You sound very 'kept' and although it sounds like you have lots of lovely things, you don't seem to have very much independence or interests of your own...

You sound like you have a very privileged and stress free life. Being able to pay £700 a month for childcare when you don't need it is a huge advantage. Why don't you get a job? Might help your self-esteem and feelings of self-worth.

I am in almost the same position. A few free days a week, a cleaner and support from dh. The very least I can do is make sure all the home stuff is sorted. When dh is done with work, my ds will have needed to be bathed and fed anyway so there is nothing childcare wise to do.
I think you need to be a bit more appreciative of your position and definitely take on the bulk of it.

Is it more an anxiety thing where you can never switch off? Is the pressure coming from outside influences or from you? Your husband sounds quite low maintenance but you want to prove yourself..... Why is that?

You have a cleaner and two child free days, you need to chill out on one of those days if you are exhausted. This is not about your dh not doing enough you should have free time. Are you trying to be a perfectionist?

You have a very easy life compared to most, OP. Can't believe you feel hard done by.

I'd love 2 days off. I work a 12 hour shift on a Saturday and my partner works the rest of the week. Got 2 under 2. I used to feel like this whne I had one and she went to nursery by sounds of it. You've come acustomed to the easy life. You have a cleaner aswell. I bet you struggle with feeling like you actually do enough. I had that issue too.

Wow, just wow.

Op I also am a SAHM with 2 child free days a week. I have 2 kids. No cleaner though. I mean I’m quite happy to do all the chores etc as DH is working all the time, when would he do it? He helps with bath and bed while I cook (since he’s working from home), because he wants to see the kids. Weekends he is v v hands on with the kids because he enjoys spending time with them. Weekends I will do chores, cooking, DIY etc and he will look after the kids (not all weekend obvs, we do have fun as a family!!), I feel bad for ‘opting out’ of family time at the weekends to get jobs done, but they need to be done and it’s nice that the kids are having fun with their dad rather than sitting alone while I do chores and DH works.
I mean, if I’m sat here fretting about the minutiae I think things are going pretty well, sounds like you’re in the same boat?