I am a SAHM - I need your opinions

[Amimissingsomethinghere]

I have a 2.5 year old DC and before this I was a teacher. I had a bad pregnancy and suffer with some mild health anxiety. I don’t want to go back to work, I feel I couldn’t cope and the thought of it makes me feel stressed. My DH works full time and works very hard, often into the early hours, but in turn makes a good salary. We do quite well but live in a very expensive area and so in turn we don’t have loads of money left at the end of the month. However, we can afford holidays and dinners out etc. I contribute nothing financially, my DH pays all the bills and controls the finances. However, he trusts and allows me free rein of spending. Therefore I can spend money on myself or buy something for the house without having to ask him. For larger purchases I will ask him.

God, writing that down makes me cringe - ‘ask him’. But that’s just the way it is. He is very loving and generous but here’s where I need your opinion:

DC goes to nursery for two full days a week (around £700 a month). On these days I can do what I like (we have a cleaner who comes for three hours once a week) but I usually end up doing lots - cooking, sorting etc. My husband in turns expects everything to be sort of ‘done’, dinner on the table at night etc but I must say not every night and he would equally be happy with a jacket potato. I also do everything for our son during the week. He gets involved here and there and plays with him and sometimes helps with bath if he’s free but I am expected to wake up every morning with him and if he wakes in the night it’s always me. I am expected to maintain order in the house in terms of organisation and also I do all the laundry and sort his wardrobe.
Is this reasonable? Is this balanced?

I do get two days off but equally I feel exhausted because I’m running around kind of trying to ‘prove’ myself on those days off. I never just sit in front of the telly! The days my DC is not at nursery I look after him and cook dinner etc as usual.

I’m just interested in people’s opinions on this and is anyone else in a similar position?

I may get slated on here for my opinion but if women want to behave like 1950’s housewives they have to expect it to change the balance in their relationships.
Is your husband happy being forced into the role of “ working all hours “
to provide your lifestyle?

I need a chance to read all these responses. I've been honest but there's probably more to say. I do feel a bit like people are jumping down my throat telling me how easy I have it. I mentioned I had an awful pregnancy with some real health issues and that's caused me anxiety. Will read and respond fully later.

You’re missing a lot... mainly the fact that yes that all is your job and yes you’re massively privileged. Health anxiety can very easily be dealt with too sounds like you want to sit at home and do nothing rather than contribute to your relationship, home and child.

I agree with everyone else. But in terms of benefit of the doubt... is the issue the expectation? There's a big difference between equal division of work which is fine and lack of respect or acknowledgment for work done. I do all the housework and meals and childcare during the week, but if dh left things for me to tidy or pick up after him or assumed I was always available whilst he was a free agent in the evenings I'd find that difficult. I'll pick up the kids dirty clothes from the floor but not his.

Op don’t let people make you feel Guilty. It’s okay to feel overwhelmed! Working or not. Having a toddler is hard work!

People probably think I have it easy to as I stated in my previous comment on here. I don’t work, My kids go to school 5 days a week and my partner is a very hands on dad (I do all the cleaning and laundry) but he does run around after the kids when he’s home from work because he enjoys it! I feel exhausted and overwhelmed sometimes too.

I hate it when people compare how easy another persons life. We don’t know what other people are going through! Do they want to see people struggle?

I think you have a setup that provides you free time, and that is something you should try and take advantage of. If you’re going to stay at home then maybe one or both of those days can be ‘jacket potato’ days or a takeaway, to give yourself more time to relax at least once a week. I guess weekends if your husband isn’t working are still mostly on you for childcare etc? So you should really focus on the days in the week as your ‘weekend’ and try and get some time to yourself (without feeling remotely guilty about it)

I feel like it might be a bit unfair on OP. If she's expected to have dinner on the table every night, and wake up every night and morning, including weekends, I can see that feeling a bit unfair and servant-like. Most partners would still would muck in at weekends.

I think its difficult as a SAHM to sometimes feel like you havent achieved anything tangible.
I was a SAHM until my DC started school. I work in a creative job and it's really easy to see what I've produced or created in a day. If I had a day in playing with DC, taking them to the park etc, at the end if the day I would effectively have nothing to show for it. I did feel I should get up during the night (which was a lot because the eldest didnt sleep all night til they were 5 ) if DH had work the next day. However he did do a few weeks of night feeds with DC2 when I had PND.

I think it's fair that during the week you take on the lions share of housework (esp if you have outsourced some childcare) but from the OP it sounds like "DH getting involved here and there" sounds like you dont have much family time.
How does your DH feel?
Would tutoring be an option in the future if you didnt want to go back to ft teaching?

I'm sorry about your awful pregnancy, OP, but that was 2.5 years ago, are you suffering from ongoing health issues that you didn't mention in your OP? You also mentioned mild health anxiety - is your anxiety actually more serious than you initially indicated?

It is just really difficult to understand what your issue is, because on paper, your life looks very easy. I wonder if there is a whole lot more under the surface that you haven't told us?

I would also say that for anxiety in particular - which I've suffered very badly from in the past - a lack of structure and not having enough to do is, in my experience, a terrible thing.

I think there's a widespread assumption in this thread that an 'easy' life is a happy one, but I don't actually think that's true in either my own experience or looking around me at others. Most people need a certain degree of stress and busyness because it's so easy to obsess and become consumed with the small things otherwise and because lacking a sense of purpose is so depressing - it's a classic problem for people who have just retired, for instance.

I do all the things you do without a cleaner or two days childcare. I also work at least three evenings a week, often more. My husband helps but works long hours and takes over childcare (two children) when he gets home as I head to work...
It’s not a competition though and I understand the finding it hard to switch to some you time when little one is in nursery but just take some time for yourself during those days. I try once a week not to spend my sons (15 months) nap time cleaning or anything and go sit and have a cup of tea.

Also people underestimate health anxiety which is fine, I can't convince you of its severity, but don't mock the OP for it, that's not cool.

Do you both get to relax more on weekends?

I think people are being a little bit harsh.

I do think in terms of division of labour your set-up is pretty fair: if your DH is working very long hours and you have full days off with childcare and a cleaner AND he is helping out you can't really argue that its unfair to you. Perfectly reasonable for him to think you can stick food in the oven.

On the other hand you seem a bit morose about the whole thing and I can't help wondering whether you just lack direction elsewhere. I have to say while I wouldn't go as far as accusing you of abuse I just don't think its ever a great idea to have a sole breadwinner and a full time SAHP for long periods of time.

I get the feeling that you didn't get the response you wanted/expected, so now you are going to dripfeed some other stuff to get us on your side...

You have an easy life, but also anxieties. The anxieties do not cancel out the fact that your life is privileged - you don't "have much at the end of the month" but can afford nursery, a cleaner, holidays and eating out

@mike3

Also people underestimate health anxiety which is fine, I can't convince you of its severity, but don't mock the OP for it, that's not cool.

Agreed. This is all wonderful but if it takes op hours to do anything due to her mental health you can see why she's overwhelmed.

I think your DH should be doing more at the weekend - maybe you haven’t mentioned it but I’d expect him to be involved in taking care of your son at the weekend.
But during the week, I don’t really understand how you don’t have any time for relaxing? If you have a cleaner, on your two child free days you have laundry, general tidying up the mess a toddler makes, and an evening meal to do? What else is taking your time that is causing you this much stress? Is it all actually necessary?
To me, the division of labour sounds ok, but that depends on your husband’s attitude to it. If he’s appreciative then great, but if he throws his dirty clothes on the floor because dealing with the dirty clothes is your job, or leaves the kitchen a mess after making himself something because it’s your job to clean up after him, then that’s not ok.

i think if husband spends the weekend BEING OFF, sitting there, doing nothing, playing games, then its fair that OP gets 2 "days off" in the week and can spend them doing whatever she wants

Of course she won't, she will do household stuff. But one day to go to gym/pick up shopping/chores on way back or see a friend doesn't seem unreasonable.

If chores at weekend totally split 50/50 then using the 2 days in the week to "work at home" seems reasonable.

I worked, because I didn't want to be the one responsible for the house. I didn't think we could maintain what I felt to be an equal relationship, if I became basically a nanny and housekeeper.

Now, DP still works long hours, I fit in my work (freelance) around the school runs, kids are used to being told I'm in a meeting and not to come in unless they have to, and I still basically do do the house-keeping and nannying, BUT, I can tell DP to get knotted any time I like if he thinks the house should be tidier, or dinner on the table, or the washing done - the deal was not struck that I would keep house and home for him, because I work too, and that independence is important to me even though my life would be infinitely easier if I wasn't juggling it with work.

All the people beating OP down because they can do more than her without feeling exhausted, fucking hell man, good for you.

Yes, this thread hits a nerve, my wife is (sounds) similar to OP.

Fizbosshoes totally agree with this. Everything you achieve in a day as a SAHM is either invisible or will shortly be have to done again!

I’m a SAHM, all my kids are now in school, so I have 9-3 to myself 5 days a week. I do consider it therefore my responsibility to make sure that when DH is at home over the weekend we don’t have household chores to do - so I’ve done the cleaning, shopping etc - but he does cook over the weekend & takes part in childcare... I’ve always done the night wakings, early rising etc, basically on the grounds that you can’t nap at work but you can nap when a baby/toddler naps.

On paper it does sound like your division of labour is fair but if you’re not happy with it then that is totally reasonable too, what would you like to be different?

This thread is unpleasant. Perhaps all the people who feel resentful of the OPs circumstances should look to improve their own instead of putting down someone who said she had anxiety and just asked for some support.

OP you have my sympathy because I know how easy it is to expand tasks to fill a day (so that it feels that you have no time to yourself).

To get yourself out of the rut, try to cut a few corners on a few of the things that you feel obliged to do. Buy a freezer and bulk cook some meals so you have days when you simply spend 10 minutes defrosting stuff. Maybe have a takeaway once a week to support a local pub/restaurant in lockdown. Institute a firm 7pm bedtime for DC and you'll have the evening to do what you fancy.

I put DD in nursery as I knew it would give her the socialising and mental stimulation. BUT I also did some voluntary work and found an evening class that interested me.

Unfortunately, toddlers can be annoying and draining. They really do grow up fast so you just focus on sorting out a strategy to get yourselves through lockdown, then worry about things after that. Presumably DC starts school in just under 2 years' time?.

Well, what happens on the weekends when your DH isn't working? Is the childcare split between you?

What about hobbies, do either you or your DH have any hobbies/sports etc? Do you both get the chance to do these equally?

Unless you are going to elaborate and say something like your DH doesn't lift a finger all weekend, or spends all weekend out with friends/at hobbies, then I agree with PP - yes your husband is reasonable to expect everything to be "done/organised" by you. Two full days at the cost of £700 a month is a lot of time to get stuff done, especially when you also have a cleaner.

Are you doing anything about your health anxiety? If it's still there from pregnancy I would highly recommend getting some help - difficult at the moment but hopefully things will start to open up soon, and I think CBT at least would be fine via Zoom. If you're well-off you should be able to afford private help. You could also look into medication.

I have suffered from severe health anxiety both generally and in pregnancy, it's debilitating and horrible, but it can be treated very effectively.