I am a SAHM - I need your opinions

[Amimissingsomethinghere]

I have a 2.5 year old DC and before this I was a teacher. I had a bad pregnancy and suffer with some mild health anxiety. I don’t want to go back to work, I feel I couldn’t cope and the thought of it makes me feel stressed. My DH works full time and works very hard, often into the early hours, but in turn makes a good salary. We do quite well but live in a very expensive area and so in turn we don’t have loads of money left at the end of the month. However, we can afford holidays and dinners out etc. I contribute nothing financially, my DH pays all the bills and controls the finances. However, he trusts and allows me free rein of spending. Therefore I can spend money on myself or buy something for the house without having to ask him. For larger purchases I will ask him.

God, writing that down makes me cringe - ‘ask him’. But that’s just the way it is. He is very loving and generous but here’s where I need your opinion:

DC goes to nursery for two full days a week (around £700 a month). On these days I can do what I like (we have a cleaner who comes for three hours once a week) but I usually end up doing lots - cooking, sorting etc. My husband in turns expects everything to be sort of ‘done’, dinner on the table at night etc but I must say not every night and he would equally be happy with a jacket potato. I also do everything for our son during the week. He gets involved here and there and plays with him and sometimes helps with bath if he’s free but I am expected to wake up every morning with him and if he wakes in the night it’s always me. I am expected to maintain order in the house in terms of organisation and also I do all the laundry and sort his wardrobe.
Is this reasonable? Is this balanced?

I do get two days off but equally I feel exhausted because I’m running around kind of trying to ‘prove’ myself on those days off. I never just sit in front of the telly! The days my DC is not at nursery I look after him and cook dinner etc as usual.

I’m just interested in people’s opinions on this and is anyone else in a similar position?

It’s a similar..ish scenario here, we have a cleaner once a week but my Dd isn’t in nursery yet, she’s also 2.5 months and I’m also an ex teacher. She will likely start nursery in the spring a couple of days a week. We don’t have as much financially as you by the sound of it but my dp works normal 9-5 hours and no weekends. I do everything around the house, because I’m
here. By the time he’s home, dinner is ready and Dd is ready for dinner, milk and bed. I wake with her every morning aside from one morning at the weekend. We alternate nights to take her to bed and do bedtime etc.
I’ve worked full time all my adult life until I had Dd and hope to return part time (if possible!) when she starts school.
At the weekends, I also do all bills etc and obviously the food shop with Dd during the week so we don’t have to at the weekends.
At weekends I think it’s fair to split childcare/jobs, but it doesn’t always happen like this and I invariably end up doing the cooking etc.
I’m in a weird situation where I feel lucky for the moment but also exhausted at times. When Dd starts nursery it will be amazing to have those couple of days off! But it will be short lived as I’ll get back into work not long after.
I never ever felt tiredness like I do now though, even when I spent years leaving the house at 8 and returning at 7, then marking/preparation for the next day.
Having a child is a whole other level of tired!

If my DH was at home, I was paying for a nursery 2 days a week and a cleaner, then yes, I would expect things to be done. If he was at home but DC weren't in nursery and we didn't have a cleaner then nope, I would expect to do my share of house stuff etc on evenings and weekend.

You've got the perfect occupation to be in when your DC starts school, being a teacher. I think it would be reasonable for you to go back to work when your DC starts school. Heck, you've got 2days a week now where you could work part time to keep your skills up.
So yes, you have it way easier than most. Maybe, you just don't like being a SAHM. I don't think it's necessary with only one DC. The repetitive tedeum of it may be what's making you feel tired, and the isolation from adult interaction you get via work could help.

I think the OP's need to "prove herself" arises quite naturally from the knowledge that she isn't really pulling her weight in an equal relationship. That might not matter if you're both happy with how things are, but maybe that's a conversation that you need to have with your dh in order to get everything out in the open. If he is happy to support you and doesn't mind the uneven split, then maybe you can give yourself permission to relax and enjoy your free time a bit more. If he is unhappy or starting to resent the imbalance, then maybe it's time to look at how you're sharing the load between you?

@Friendsoftheearth

bluntness Maybe the dh likes providing for her? Maybe he enjoys giving his wife the kind of life he feels she deserves? How do you know the dh of your 'acquaintance' feels about it? Your comment smacks of jealousy.

hoitytoit Op can catch up if she needs to, the qualifications are there and do not expire. A training course or two and I am sure she could walk into a job at any time. We are kind of desperate for good teachers, so her future security in my view is sound, especially if she sticks to just the one child. She is married, so has some financial security just be being married. No need to work unless she wants to.

Yes because who doesn’t like working into the wee small hours. And yes, I’m really envious. 😂

You've got the perfect occupation to be in when your DC starts school, being a teacher.

I don't agree with this. How is teaching the perfect occupation for parents with young dc. Not a teacher myself, but the heavy workload and inflexible hours would make it quite difficult, I think?

Well can you ditch the nursery and the cleaner so your husband can work less and spend more time with you all?

@AlexaShutUp

You've got the perfect occupation to be in when your DC starts school, being a teacher.

I don't agree with this. How is teaching the perfect occupation for parents with young dc. Not a teacher myself, but the heavy workload and inflexible hours would make it quite difficult, I think?

School holidays are easier to manage...14 weeks a year to cover which is really tough in 'ordinary' jobs.

I think if you have a cleaner and 2 child free days a week then I think it’s perfectly reasonable for your DH to expect you to do the bulk of housekeeping, cooking and childcare.

It’s not balanced in terms of childcare or housework but why should it be when you don’t work outside the home ?

When you feel stressed out and exhausted, OP, perhaps think back to your former life as a teacher and think how she would feel trading places with the life you have now!

Sounds like a nice balance to me

I am very confused, what exactly do you expect from your DH?

You make it sound like something is too much for you, what exactly is it?

You both seem happy with the arrangement and you can afford it. That is all that matters.

I took a couple of years out of teaching when the kids were pre-school, but the only nursery they went to was the village play group from 9.15 to 12 2 or 3 mornings a week. It gave me time to do a long dog walk. Also I didn't have a cleaner.

If I had your set up I would be going to art classes or doing an Open University degree.

Can I ask if this is a reverse? Do you think it would be easier if you went back to work and your husband help out more?

Well if a woman was working herself into the ground while her dh sat around complaining she didn't do enough housework and that he had to look after his DC, can you imagine what he'd be called?!

Op isn't complaining about her husband, she was canvassing opinion about balance. There is not as much as one example of a complaint about her dh, so if you are going to post, please try to be accurate.

I think that's completely understandable of him. I echo what others have said, this sounds like you are very lucky.

What was your profession before you had your child?

It sounds like something is missing from your life if you need to keep proving yourself...

I honestly think you need a job. It doesn't necessarily have to be a paid job, it could be volunteering but you need something.

At the moment you are in a gilded cage - yes, your previous job made you anxious but now you are at home being a SAHM worrying about making everything perfect, if you are being a good enough wife and mother and developing health anxiety.

You need your brain occupied with something other than whether your DH has liked his dinner and if the house is clean enough.

And if you had some kind of job, then you might also have balance in your relationship that you are not the default parent 100% of the time.

Sounds fair to me OP. I am also a SAHM. Do everything during the week when DH is at work. Weekends is just us both doing what needs doing. I don't have a cleaner and I don't have any days to myself. But I am still able to keep everything ticking over nicely.

I think the guilt stems from thinking you don't do enough. Enjoy your time off and work hard at other times. Ditch the guilt.

Take on a few more things once this pandemic is over. Keep busy. But remember it's OK to have a few hours of lazing around if you are hard at it the rest of the time. How would you feel if you got rid of the cleaner? Or DS just went for 1 day a week?

I think it seems fair enough. I'm a sahm with 2 children and no childcare, I do everything household related and 90%of childcare. Dh works really hard in order that I don't have to, the upshot for him is being able to work as he likes without having to think of the kids or housework etc. I feel it's a fair balance. We are also the same with money, it's totally shared but we both discuss big purchases with eachother.

I’m in a slightly different situation. I’m a stay at home mum/carer - my two have additional needs. My partner works and earns an okay wage (about 30k a year plus over time which is pretty good for our area where job opportunities and wages are low. We do okay, we own our home so our mortgage is a lot cheaper than rent. Our neighbour is paying 3 times the amount we do for the same style house in rent - crazy. If we were renting we’d be on our knees.

Anyway, I do most cleaning things around the house. I like cleaning though - not a problem. My children are in school so I get 5 days a week at home. Yes I know I should get a job in school hours big like I say hardly any jobs around here and certainly not many to fit around school and DC. My partner doesn’t work the best hours. But here I am always trying to explain myself 🤣

However, despite that I do most of the cleaning my partner does do stuff too. He cooks quite a bit, he picks the kids up from school when he can, takes them to his mums at the weekend (before lockdown), bathed them, puts them to bed. We are a team as they say!

I think people are being harsh though. I’m not working, my two are older than yours and past the toddler age (toddlers are hard work). I have 5 days and I feel a bit like you. I feel guilty for being lazy watching tv. So I clean, organise, food shopping, I also run errands for my grandma. To the outside many people think I have an easy life but it really isn’t the case.

Being a working mum is hard, but so is being a stay at home mum.

I’m trying to chill out more. I usually keep myself busy when dc at school! But I’ve been trying to read some books, watch a movie. I just can’t relax very much 🤣

Op I have replied, but also I am thinking maybe next time read the room, we are in the middle of a pandemic, some people are exhausted, and working to the bone, and they are the lucky ones to still have a job.

Your post about balance, your two days off and cleaners are probably not going to elicit any kind of sympathy.

Perhaps a filter and some awareness of how shit things are for some people right now might be in order. Just saying.

Sounds pretty normal to me. Bringing up kids is hard work. Keeping on top of a house of people is hard work (it's a lot easier if everyone is OUT at work /school/nursery all day every day).
If you can afford the status quo what does anyone else's opinion matter?

I feel for you. Have you also thought about the fact that you have no time to do your nails, go to coffee mornings (Covid permitting) and getting in your yoga classes? My heart goes out to you. Never mind those people who, despite mental or physical health issues, still get up every morning and go to work. Forget about them.

Sahm too - but I do my own cleaning and expect to do the vast majority of the house stuff - husband tides up after me in the kitchen after dinner and he does all the gardening / DIY.

My kids are now at school but before they were I did have a cleaner , and they had the free 15 hours at preschool . The house stuff was my job .

We’re you doing this to get a reaction out of people OP as you haven’t returned?

YABU for using the phrase ‘in turn’ four times in one post.
YABU for your whole post, you’re incredibly lucky. What do you want to do differently? Absolutely no house work/cooking etc,l??