I am a SAHM - I need your opinions

[Amimissingsomethinghere]

I have a 2.5 year old DC and before this I was a teacher. I had a bad pregnancy and suffer with some mild health anxiety. I don’t want to go back to work, I feel I couldn’t cope and the thought of it makes me feel stressed. My DH works full time and works very hard, often into the early hours, but in turn makes a good salary. We do quite well but live in a very expensive area and so in turn we don’t have loads of money left at the end of the month. However, we can afford holidays and dinners out etc. I contribute nothing financially, my DH pays all the bills and controls the finances. However, he trusts and allows me free rein of spending. Therefore I can spend money on myself or buy something for the house without having to ask him. For larger purchases I will ask him.

God, writing that down makes me cringe - ‘ask him’. But that’s just the way it is. He is very loving and generous but here’s where I need your opinion:

DC goes to nursery for two full days a week (around £700 a month). On these days I can do what I like (we have a cleaner who comes for three hours once a week) but I usually end up doing lots - cooking, sorting etc. My husband in turns expects everything to be sort of ‘done’, dinner on the table at night etc but I must say not every night and he would equally be happy with a jacket potato. I also do everything for our son during the week. He gets involved here and there and plays with him and sometimes helps with bath if he’s free but I am expected to wake up every morning with him and if he wakes in the night it’s always me. I am expected to maintain order in the house in terms of organisation and also I do all the laundry and sort his wardrobe.
Is this reasonable? Is this balanced?

I do get two days off but equally I feel exhausted because I’m running around kind of trying to ‘prove’ myself on those days off. I never just sit in front of the telly! The days my DC is not at nursery I look after him and cook dinner etc as usual.

I’m just interested in people’s opinions on this and is anyone else in a similar position?

@mymadworld

A few thoughts about your post op:

You could instantly save £700 a month by using the 15 hours government funding for children over 3. Ok so the day might be shorter than private nursery but might actually be better to have them in nursery 3 or 4 shorter days than 2 long days as it sounds like you're not using that time particularly well or enjoying your time off anyway.

You sound lonely and with your oh regularly working into the small hours I'm not surprised. Why not use the £700 you could save as hook for your husband to look at reducing his hours. I assume he's self employed and (like my oh) the temptation to just work every hour god sends is strong but you need a home work balance and it doesn't sound like your husband has got this yet. Start with a couple of set days a week that he's home by a certain time and build from there. My DH has definitely benefited from working less hours and it's not affected his bottom line in any way.

I've just started a full time job after being a sham for 10 years. It took me about a year to stop procrastinating and I was terrified at the prospect/thought the world would fall around me/my children would miss me too much/my husband wouldn't honour his agreement to be around more whilst I was working/the house would be a shit hole etc etc. Do you know what, I am LOVING being 'me' again and not even thinking about the domestic drudgery all day. Should have at least got a PT job years ago and would highly recommend you do the same if not for the finances then your own mental well-being. If you can't get a job then definitely look at helping at school or similar so you have so,e sort of focus and purpose.

The DC is 2.5 so wouldn't qualify

I have to say some of you are very aggressive towards this poster . I agree that she has it a lot easier than most, with a cleaner and two days to herself, but try to be nice for God's sake !!

@Juniland

I have to say some of you are very aggressive towards this poster . I agree that she has it a lot easier than most, with a cleaner and two days to herself, but try to be nice for God's sake !!

Completely agree! It's not a crime to be comfortable and feeling lost.

OP, I suggest starting a daily gratitude list.

I mean this kindly but no one would write a post like yours on a mumsnet forum unless they were completely out of touch with how much a typical mother deals with, and if they weren't someone who doesn't count their blessings enough.

Assuming this isn't a troll post (that's how out of touch it sounds) remind yourself each day that no one has or is entitled to a perfect life.

Make sure you're pulling your weight in the relationship in terms of carving out time for your husband as this is how resentment develops which can kill a relationship later. Despite what you're saying, there's no way you appreciate him enough otherwise you wouldn't have written your post in the first place. Even if he likes his job, He's bending himself backwards to provide financially for his family and working exhausting hours.

Make sure you're getting effective treatment for your anxiety and other issues too otherwise they risk damaging the relationship because you're busy finding fault in everything.

OP, I suggest starting a daily gratitude list

What like Pollyanna?

@Bluntness100

OP, I suggest starting a daily gratitude list

What like Pollyanna?

I personally think OP needs practical change more than an attitude adjustment, but there's a solid amount of data that this practice is very good for wellbeing and positive emotion.

Hi there!

I've been a SAHM for 10 years to our 3 Boys - 11, 6 and 1.
Both my DP worked very hard and very long hours when I was a kid. So after school I went to my DGM house until I was old enough to have a key and come home alone. I hated it. I hated being home alone till 6 in the evening 5 days a week.
I always said that if I was to have DC of my own; I wanted do be home with them.
Thankfully; like you, my DH has a great job that allows me to do this. We are by no means "well off" - we save and budget every month - but still manage to live a comfortable life.
I - again like you - take complete care of the house, all shopping, cooking and washing. I'm also at the kids beck and call.
DH is a perfectly wonderful H who is happy to help but I like my life and my role in our relationship. Of course I have down days where I feel completely hard done by but I get over it.
Plus DH doesn't do anything the way I like so... 🤷‍♀️😂

If what you have now works for your family and you are both happy and feel equal to each other in terms of contributions then I say go for it!
I see too many posts on here bashing my "old fashioned" life. I love my life just the way it is. I'm here for my children any time they need me.
I've seen women brand SAHM as slaves or anti-feminist 🙄 but I'm right where I want to be in life. Raising my children the best that I can.

Well said MummyMao. I am in a similar situation to you, with husband commuting( before Covid, now at home) and working( in a job he enjoys) v long hours , never home for dinner, barely saw him during week . I keep things going at home, constantly on the go (cleaning, cooking, admin, and all the other things that everyone has to do I know, )even when kids at school. I have done the best for my family ( gave up a career I loved so my husband could pursue his). I have basically single - handedly brought up our kids during the week, with no family around to help . I find that people get really pissed off with this, they are chippy about it , and that we have a nice house, car , and home comforts . We budget too, have one holiday a year . Don't go out much . Since moving out of London I have found that other working women keep their distance , look at me as a sponger etc etc. I consequently find it difficult to make friends here as people are so judgemental . I have dipped in and out of work the last ten years, and have also volunteered. At the end of the day , if it suits your family and it works for you , why should other people care ? It should be a symbiotic relationship between partners. I find people so judgemental all of the time . So much hatred around.

So, bring on the fury .....I know I'm going to get it in the neck now........

So many “appreciate your man” posts on here.

OP DOES appreciate him. She does all his cooking, cleaning, laundry, childcare. She even organises his wardrobe fgs.

If OP had a paid job looking after someone else’s kids 3 days a week and in the evenings, I suspect a lot more posters on here would be saying her DH should help out with chores on weekends and give her a lie in! But because she looks after her own kids (god forbid) it doesn’t count as work.

I imagine if OP told her DH she’d landed a corporate job with long hours, so he would have to share nursery pick ups, cooking and cleaning duties 50/50 and sort his own wardrobe from now on he’d be pretty unhappy about it!!

OP DOES appreciate him. She does all his cooking, cleaning, laundry, childcare. She even organises his wardrobe fgs.

No. She doesn’t. Stop making things up.

Maybe read her post again

I’ve mostly been a sahm of 4.
Dipped in and out of work, helped in dc school, volunteered. Loved all of it.
Any negativity i have experienced has usually been from jealousy in my opinion.
There have been moments when i have felt under valued but remind myself that i am doing the most important job in the world. With paid work or not.
It is a shame that we are judged as lazy because we are not earning. I am exhausted at the end of the day & Dh often says he couldn’t do it & that his job is easy in comparison.
Do what is right for you & yours.

But nobody is judging anybody as lazy or reacting as if they are jealous. Read the OP first post. She is asking if the balance is wrong and whether her DH should be doing more - namely the laundry and getting up in the night and the morning for the DC.

I suggest taking time for yourself on your days off. Getting up in the night and early morning is exhausting, and 2 1/2 is not an easy age. Work has its benefits in that it is paid, recognised and you get to interact with adults. It’s true when people say work is a break from looking after kids. Looking after young kids can be lovely but is also relentless and very lonely. Particularly in lockdown. It’s great that you have a cleaner and 2 days childcare. Do you have family near by? Financial dependence on someone is a difficult place to be. Do take care of yourself and don’t take some of the judgemental responses to heart- they don’t know the full story.

Yes I agree, it would be nice to hear from you and what you feel about the responses. I think there is more to this than meets the eye, and you may in fact feel a little bit low. Something in the tone of the message. But I may be wrong . Everyone has their battles, some not so obvious as others .

I get it, i really do. You are always on alert and anxious and you do split shifts. On the two days off you really should let your hair down a bit, but if you feel you need to prove yourself on those days, maybe going back to work would help you feel better about your value in the relationship.

I'm a SAHM too but my DH works away from home mon-fri. I do it all but I'm happy to as it means I get to spend time with my 2 boys (4 & 7) that I wouldn't necessarily have when working. I worked FT until my 2nd came along. Once he goes to primary school I'll need to look into going back to work. Appreciate the time you have.
Don't get me wrong, being a SAHM is bloody hard, especially when u don't have adult company through the week and especially this year in covid but we make it work.
Id bloody love a cleaner 🤣🤣

I felt quite cross reading this. I also have anxieties about my health but I have to work f/t nights as I have a big mortgage to pay.

I suggest you wake up tomorrow and thank God for your 'loving and generous' husband.

Sorry if that sounds harsh but that's what I would do.
Maybe train for something else? Then you'll have a new interest and you won't ever have to go back to teaching.

Hi OP. You seem like you've just lost yourself a bit by being a SAHM. I don't think you deserve a bashing for coming across as entitled. What I would say is.. Think of those in a less fortunate position than you. I work full time, I'm a single parent to a 2 year old.. Her father has no involvement in her life as of yet, I do it all, cook, clean, washing, ferrying too and from nursery, bath time, night wakings, financially supporting a house and a child and holding down a full time job.. Its not a competition but there are a lot of people worse off than you. Definitely get some hobbies or volunteer, find something you want to do for you. I will say though if my DH worked like yours did, I would take care of the house and children. 100%.

So much protecting going on here.
If someone is truly unhappy inside, then no amount of 'you should be grateful ' speeches help at all.
All the 'be kind' crap that came out on social media months ago is so hypocritical.
It's not a competition of who has it the hardest.

No wonder the OP hasnt come back.