I am a SAHM - I need your opinions

[Amimissingsomethinghere]

I have a 2.5 year old DC and before this I was a teacher. I had a bad pregnancy and suffer with some mild health anxiety. I don’t want to go back to work, I feel I couldn’t cope and the thought of it makes me feel stressed. My DH works full time and works very hard, often into the early hours, but in turn makes a good salary. We do quite well but live in a very expensive area and so in turn we don’t have loads of money left at the end of the month. However, we can afford holidays and dinners out etc. I contribute nothing financially, my DH pays all the bills and controls the finances. However, he trusts and allows me free rein of spending. Therefore I can spend money on myself or buy something for the house without having to ask him. For larger purchases I will ask him.

God, writing that down makes me cringe - ‘ask him’. But that’s just the way it is. He is very loving and generous but here’s where I need your opinion:

DC goes to nursery for two full days a week (around £700 a month). On these days I can do what I like (we have a cleaner who comes for three hours once a week) but I usually end up doing lots - cooking, sorting etc. My husband in turns expects everything to be sort of ‘done’, dinner on the table at night etc but I must say not every night and he would equally be happy with a jacket potato. I also do everything for our son during the week. He gets involved here and there and plays with him and sometimes helps with bath if he’s free but I am expected to wake up every morning with him and if he wakes in the night it’s always me. I am expected to maintain order in the house in terms of organisation and also I do all the laundry and sort his wardrobe.
Is this reasonable? Is this balanced?

I do get two days off but equally I feel exhausted because I’m running around kind of trying to ‘prove’ myself on those days off. I never just sit in front of the telly! The days my DC is not at nursery I look after him and cook dinner etc as usual.

I’m just interested in people’s opinions on this and is anyone else in a similar position?

@LeroyJenkinssss

Um are kidding? In the act of writing this down, did you not realise how fortunate you are?

You say your husband works into the early hours, you live a comfortable life, have freedom to spend, have a cleaner, have two child free days and you want what? Not to be responsible for anything?

This.

I would worry though about not having marketable skills should the marriage end.

If you cannot get everything done in 2 full days with your child not hanging off your leg you need to sort out a better system.

I am a long term SAHM, now with 2 teenagers, your life is fucking easy as hell. Mine would be if I wasn't partially disabled, I have great days and I have horrific painful days. Luckily the great days out number the painful ones so I just deal with the fatigue day to day. But I still cook, clean, shop, decorate -which is what I am doing at the moment to spruce up the hall before Christmas.

Seriously, one child, a cleaner and 2 days to yourself. Have a look at TOMM (The Organised Mum Method) on YouTube or the website. I have always managed it that all laundry was done Mon-Fri within school hours.

I think you're very lucky, and I'm quite envious, but if you feel like you're not happy with the arrangement then you should change some things. Maybe get a part time job while your son is at nursery? Maybe you'd feel more fulfilled contributing in that way than being the primary caregiver and homemaker?
Although why do you feel you have to prove yourself in the days your son is at nursery? If you have a cleaner, surely there isn't much to be done in those days really?

I was with you until you mentioned the large seemingly unnecessary childcare bill and the cleaner. I think you perhaps need to recognise how incredibly privileged you are. Is it maybe that you're wanting DH to be involved more in DCs upbringing?

Could you try start a business of some kind? That's what I'm doing. Think it's good for stay at home mums to have something other than home and kids if they're not working.

I was a SAHM for years and it would never have crossed my mind to put either of my children in nursery for 2 days a week! The thought that I could save myself £700 per month would put a stop to that! I did all the running of the house but husband would do bath & bed time.

@Divebar

I’m a bit flabbergasted. I’m not sure I can craft an appropriate response other than you sound like you have a charmed life. Lots of people manage to do all those things - cooking, washing etc without the benefit of a cleaner and 2 days a week childcare. If you don’t wish to go back to work then yes it is your job.

This.

I am a single parent and do all of this and work almost full-time. I think your set up is more than fair!

I strongly believe SAHM's shouldn't be responsible for all housework and all cooking and those things should be 50-50 because their job is looking after the child not cook/cleaner... But you are not looking after the child 2 full days a week AND you have a cleaner, at a huge expense to your monthly outgoings. So this is a lifestyle choice and those things absolutely do fall down to you. If you don't like it, stop the cleaner and wait until 15 hours universal childcare at 3 like most SAHM's. Then you can split chores. But for now, you can have a nap on those nursery days. Christ.

That sounds fair OP. Your husband should be doing half the child care when he’s not at work but in this scenario (with a cleaner and 2 days without a child) you should be 100% responsible for the house.

Honestly...it sounds fair to me.

2 free days when your DS is at nursery and in addition to having a cleaner! That's good....actually it's really good.

I was just wondering...You say your DH controls all the finances, but you can spend on yourself too. Do you have easy access to it? You said you ask for larger spending, does he also ask you for larger spending or does he just buy the item?

Are you happy to be fully financially dependent on your DH for the rest of your life (or as long as you're married) even when your DC are in school/leave home?

If you have days off, then why not take a true day off? That would probably make you feel better.

Do you feel you have to be on 24/7 to prove your value at home?

OP with all due respect ...you need to go back to work and give your head a wobble! You would have less time to think about these trivial things and be more confident.
I couldn't do what you do...why is it taking you all day every day to clean and tidy a house?
I do that and I work... I'm not judging btw I just think time management must be a factor.
My house was the tidiest it ever was when I was on MAT leave. And you have a cleaner?? Sorry I'm just baffled...

I think it’s unbalanced towards your husband, he’s having to work into the wee small hours.

I’d cancel the cleaner and nursery and reduce the financial needs he has to work to meet. It is unfair on him. No one should have to work like this,

This makes me glad I'm not a man. I just wouldn't put up with this. Sorry OP you are acting in a very selfish way.

What is the question? Because I think we have more questions than answers.

I’m a single parent and I work full time. I do all the cleaning and house stuff. My house isn’t immaculately tidy but it’s clean and I probably spend about an hour a day on it. What do you do the rest of the time and with a cleaner to help? Why are you tired?

I’m not sure that housework and childcare is making you exhausted. Maybe you need something outside of your family life to give you some energy and another perspective? You could volunteer, get a part time job, study... the PPs who have said you live a charmed life are right in one respect although I guess it could be lonely?

I'm actually gobsmacked that you claim you don't have much money left at the end of the month. By money left at the end of the month, normal people mean after essential bills and basic groceries. Not after £700 unnecessary childcare fees, a cleaner for 3 hours and meals out.

You are a teacher, so if your marriage fails you will be fine to get a job, so I wouldn't worry about that at all.

Yes it sounds to me like you are in a fortunate position with two days off every week and cleaning help.

Is your dh saying he is exhausted? Is he saying there is a lack of balance? Or are you thinking you need three days off?

I think it sounds fair, especially considering you have 2 child free days a week, and a cleaner.

I have been very lucky to be a SAHM, I’ve never had a cleaner as couldn’t justify it when I’m not working, I’m not saying I wouldn’t have liked one, and we could have afforded one, but it would be a luxury and unnecessary expense IMO.

I wouldn’t be in a position to have been able to spend £700 on childcare a month, and even if I was, couldn’t justify it - that’s not a dig OP - we are all different and that’s just where I’m at.

I think it all sounds fair and that you’re very lucky.

I know several friends who would love to have been able to afford to be a SAHM, but just couldn’t, I’ll never take it for granted, although whether you work, through choice of necessity, you’re a SAHM, or a bit of both, I don’t always think each of us wins at everything 100% of the time.

I gave up work to be a SAHM, we had a second baby when first was just over two, neither of ours had childminders and went very part time to playschool when they turned 3. Didn't have a cleaner, DH worked long hours, it was my "job" to do housework, childcare, dinner, laundry, garden, social arrangements, house admin, minor DIY. It felt good being an equal but different adult bringing half of what we needed to the table.

DH helped when I or one of the children were ill, he did playtime and read stories at bedtime.

Perhaps you can think about the fact the you are working towards a happy house and that includes your husband's happiness as much as anyone else's. Enjoy what you do and provide. Make his overworked homelife as fun, loving and job-free as possible.

@KittenCalledBob

I’m running around kind of trying to ‘prove’ myself on those days off Maybe the answer is to give yourself a couple of hours of legitimate, guilt-free chill out time during those days? You should still be able to get all your jobs done.

This.

I don’t really have anything to add which hasn’t been said already apart from to comment on this For larger purchases I will ask him.

God, writing that down makes me cringe - ‘ask him’. But that’s just the way it is.

I’m not sure why that makes you cringe. I work and I would discuss larger purchases with my husband. Not ask him, but discuss with him. However I would also expect him to to like wise. I think this is normal with big purchases since it’s joint money.

I agree with your husband op

Maybe we can swap lives for a week and then you can ask AIBU again?

Maybe volunteer if you don’t want to work

I don’t even earn £700 in my crappy job and have all these luxuries you speak of

Like some pp say you have a fairly easy life on the surface especially if you were any good as a teacher you would be organising the heck out of this all and having even more free time to spend on yourself. But is your health anxiety making you tired or depressed? If I was living the dream you're managing to have (not needing to work outside the home) I'd have all of my family finances/investments , decor, cleaning & maintenance tip top and be volunteering in school and community. Have you considered spending some of that extra money in the float on therapy to help you to get over your anxiety & organise your plans for getting back to work. I am now chronically ill and can't work outside the home and I only outsource cleaning while the other things I mentioned above are always behind. I would love to be back at my career work - it gives me motivation and meaning. Being a SAHP is hard work but not everyone finds inspiration in it.

If dh is overworked, then you need to build in time for him to rest.
You should be resting on your days off.

That way everyone should feel like the benefit suits them. I don't think you can expect him to be hands on in the home at the weekends, if you are enjoying the benefit of days off in the week personally.

I would also be concerned he is working himself into the ground; and would question the longevity of the arrangement.