I am a SAHM - I need your opinions

[Amimissingsomethinghere]

I have a 2.5 year old DC and before this I was a teacher. I had a bad pregnancy and suffer with some mild health anxiety. I don’t want to go back to work, I feel I couldn’t cope and the thought of it makes me feel stressed. My DH works full time and works very hard, often into the early hours, but in turn makes a good salary. We do quite well but live in a very expensive area and so in turn we don’t have loads of money left at the end of the month. However, we can afford holidays and dinners out etc. I contribute nothing financially, my DH pays all the bills and controls the finances. However, he trusts and allows me free rein of spending. Therefore I can spend money on myself or buy something for the house without having to ask him. For larger purchases I will ask him.

God, writing that down makes me cringe - ‘ask him’. But that’s just the way it is. He is very loving and generous but here’s where I need your opinion:

DC goes to nursery for two full days a week (around £700 a month). On these days I can do what I like (we have a cleaner who comes for three hours once a week) but I usually end up doing lots - cooking, sorting etc. My husband in turns expects everything to be sort of ‘done’, dinner on the table at night etc but I must say not every night and he would equally be happy with a jacket potato. I also do everything for our son during the week. He gets involved here and there and plays with him and sometimes helps with bath if he’s free but I am expected to wake up every morning with him and if he wakes in the night it’s always me. I am expected to maintain order in the house in terms of organisation and also I do all the laundry and sort his wardrobe.
Is this reasonable? Is this balanced?

I do get two days off but equally I feel exhausted because I’m running around kind of trying to ‘prove’ myself on those days off. I never just sit in front of the telly! The days my DC is not at nursery I look after him and cook dinner etc as usual.

I’m just interested in people’s opinions on this and is anyone else in a similar position?

Honestly, yes that sounds fine. I am all for equal parenting and housework, but you have agreed that you'll have more traditional roles and so that's what you're doing - as you say, you're busy all the time because there's stuff that needs doing. Running a household with a young child is hard work. You have a cleaner AND your child is in nursery two days, that sounds like bliss!

For context, I work four days and my under-2 is in nursery all those days. My partner works full time. We take it in turns to do the nursery run and my partner cooks and does his own laundry, but housework and night-wakings are my 'jobs'. I don't have time to organise the house or do big cleaning jobs, or batch cook unless work is quiet (which it rarely is) - I tend to do those things at the weekends when my son is napping, or they just get left.

It sounds like you're struggling with the reality of being a housewife. I don't blame you, I would hate it. If you want to work and feel you're contributing to the household, you need to find something you want to do on your son's days at nursery.

It’s like a form of abuse when you see it play out. I genuinely don’t understand why he’s still there.

I agree. But depending on the age of the child he probably knows how much it’ll cost him to end it. Maybe he’s biding his time until he can ditch her as she’s rampantly taking the piss.

I’m not surprised by the pah responses to your suggestion it’s abuse. It absolutely is. If a man was doing that to his wife the same posters would be screaming at the injustice but as it’s a woman I’m sure the justification is “she had a child for him, he’ll now owe her forever”

You need to spend your two free days enjoying yourself and getting a break rather than trying to prove yourself

I have complex PTSD yet I still brought up my son on my own, bought a house and still work full time at 60. I dont think mild anxiety is an excuse not to work. I am very much a feel the fear and do it anyway person.
I think your husband will come to resent you for not working and you will be left to do everything and in turn resent him and the rot will set in.
Can't you work part time and then divide the household chores more evenly?
No way I could ever trust a man enough to be a SAHM. It puts you in a terribly vulnerable situation and quite honestly not working in my humble opinion makes mental illness much worse.

You are actually very lucky OP as am I

I think your very fortunate.
When I was a sahm I never expected any help from husband in the week .

@Oly4

You need to spend your two free days enjoying yourself and getting a break rather than trying to prove yourself

It’s unclear why she doesn’t. There can’t be 16 hours of cooking and cleaning to do for two adults and one child who’s out two days a week. Sounds like piss poor organisation if there’s too much to keep on top of and not manage the odd lazy afternoon.

You sound a bit lost, OP. You have had a lot of change - having a baby, leaving your career, and this has been a crazy year.

I think you need to sort out work. Do you think you will go back to teaching in the next year or so? Teaching is massively stressful, so if it is no longer for you, what might you like to retrain to do instead?

On a minor note, you felt odd writing down that you ask him before making big purchases. But that's pretty normal, for couples to discuss a big expenditure, no matter who is earning.

Guys - maybe OP has a very large house - they need a lot of cleaning - who wants to clean all day?

Agreed with everyone - it sounds fine, what isn’t fine is how you manage your time when DC is at nursery. You need to give yourself permission to have some time off, such as having a long bath with a good book, going on a run, watching Netflix for two hours. It will just make you more efficient at the other chores you have to do. But this isn’t about your DH being unreasonable- he also doesn’t get two hours in front of the sofa during his (very very long) working days...

I don’t get why you’re exhausted? For me the lack of challenge & intellectual stimulation would be mind numbing, but perhaps not for you. I agree that you should be doing all the house stuff in the circumstances you describe.

I just had another thought. Towards the end of my maternity leave I became obsessed with having the house clean and tidy. I even turned down opportunities to socialise if I felt I needed to do housework. I knew I was bored and really wanted to get back to work, but that boredom translated into perfectionism in the house.

I look back and wonder what on earth I was thinking - the world won't end if the house isn't clean! I now don't have time to clean the floors unless they really need it, or wipe down the skirting boards (hahaha) and it doesn't matter. It would be nice to have a cleaner house - and god I would love a cleaner - but I have a job to do and a child to look after first.

At the moment, my husband is between jobs so we are opposite to you. But yes, I expect everything to be done, shopping, tidying (the cleaner does the cleaning), making dinner, bins. Does school drop off and pick up. Does all homework. I don’t think I’m being unreasonable. I work (currently WFH) in a stressful role and he is free five days a week from 9-3 when our daughter is at school. During which time he goes for a run or to the golf range etc (under normal circumstances). Certainly not killing himself looking for a job.

Incidentally where money is concerned, no matter who works, (we are both in corporate type careers with long hours and lots of travel so sometimes we happen to be working at the same time, others it’s just one of us, currently me) we add the household income from all sources, set aside bills, mortgage, savings, school fees, holiday fund etc etc and split the rest equally. What we do with our own money is our own business. No one asks anyone what they can and can’t spend, unless it will be paid for out of joint funds like savings (eg a new car).

Physically what you do for the family sounds perfectly fair and manageable. But this bit I do get two days off but equally I feel exhausted because I’m running around kind of trying to ‘prove’ myself on those days off doesn't sound fun. It sounds like you're stressed out by your position and worried about not being 'enough'. You don't seem to be able to ever relax, and other posters all telling you how charmed your life is isn't going to help that.

You need to feel that you can have some 'down time' that is fairly earned and deserved. Talk to your husband, does he resent you having time to yourself?

There's no point in having all this wonderful time that most of us on here are desperately jealous of (hence the unsympathetic replies here) if you never actually relax.

I’m In a similar position in that I have 2 child free days a week while my husband works full time. I do most of the housework
And child stuff and cooking and shopping. I have the time To do it! And I do the night time wakings and get up in the morning. But it’s Not like my husband does nothing. He has always done bath times, he enjoys it. And he washes his Own clothes, and he will do bits and bobs of housework in the morning before work and at the weekends. And if he leaves his dirty clothes on the floor I don’t pick them up!!

I think your situation sounds perfectly fair and balanced to be honest.

Jeezo. You don’t work, your child is in child care two full days a week, and you have a cleaner.... I think you need to wake up and smell the highly privileged coffee and think yourself lucky....

Yes, your situation is not one to complain about OP. I think it is common, when you have been used to measuring your self-worth by a successful and productive career, to feel that being a homemaker makes you somehow a lesser person. And mundane domestic and childcare activities seem to make you inferior to your DH as if you are being driven to become some old fashioned housewife.

But in an equal partnership, it shouldn't feel like that. If you aren't out at work all day, why wouldn't you have dinner ready for him, surely you have to prepare food to eat yourself? If your DH works into the small hours, I assume he doesn't expect you to get up and put a meal on the table at 1am for him (that would be a bit silly). If my DH thinks he will be home late (even if it's because he went for a pint with colleagues after work) I will always make sure there is a nice meal waiting for him to reheat. It's just sensible.

I consider myself incredibly fortunate, and I have 'less' than you. I saved up money while I was working so that I could afford to be a SAHM to my second child, this was mutually agreed with DH who has a busy job too and prior to me having my DS we earned almost exactly the same.

I always consult him about unusual purchases, just to be polite really. He does the same in return to me (usually). I don't ask permission - I let him know what I'm thinking, and get his viewpoint on the purchase. The only significant thing I've bought since March without involving him was a new shower caddy which cost £25 - it was a no brainer as the other one had rusted and was too small to be any use, I have hated it for 8 years!

My DD age 2 goes to nursery two mornings a week (paid for from my childcare voucher savings from back when I was working) and I do not have a cleaner. DH does help with chores more than I expect (usually I'm encouraging him NOT to do chores, because I feel bad about it when he is working so hard!). I do appreciate when he helps with the kids, but I'm lucky he really enjoys it AND he does it to show me he appreciates how tough it can be sometimes to be a mum 24x7.

I think if you feel uncomfortably close to becoming like a 1950s housewife, then perhaps you need to think about whether you have got the conversation right with your DH. For me and my DH, it has been an active choice and DH i feel has rather indulged me by agreeing I can be a SAHM which obviously has some advantages for him but has HUGE advantages for me as I don't have to stress about fitting motherhood round a busy career, and I can genuinely enjoy our two kids.

I know sometimes my DH is jealous of my time with the kids, and of my stress-free life. I am also sometimes jealous of his growing pension pot, his nights out with the guys from work, his freedom generally, his ability to sleep for whole nights without being woken up by the toddler, and his high-flying career success. But neither of us would change a thing, if anything I feel more like an equal since I've quit work to focus on raising our kids, as I feel he has entrusted me with that role (we did seriously discuss if he should quit work and me return to work but decided i would benefit more from the break from office life).

Hope you figure a way through it. Talk to your OH and see how he feels, it might really help you reconceptualise what your role in the family is.

Being constructive, I suggest you use half of each of your days off to get a bit more fit.

If you are exhausted after doing a bit of housework, looking after one dc and cooking supper, unless less you have diagnosed health issues, you seem very sedentary. Buy a bike, explore your local villages of canals, get some fresh air! It would probably help with your anxiety as well.

I'm a single mum of one dc, work full time during normal times, don't have a cleaner, do all cooking, redecorating, gardening, ferrying around, homework help as well as pay the mortgage. No local family support at all. I'm flat out most of the time so I seldom watch TV but I don't have time to worry either.

Were you happy when you were working? Perhaps you should go back before you get too 'immobile'

I actually think the OP is getting a hard time. I'm not naturally given to sympathy here - I work 4.5 days a week with a toddler of the same age and I'm in my third trimester of pregnancy, so of course your life sounds lovely and relaxing! That said I would never pick it - for me one of the reasons I would never be a SAHM is that I hate the idea of a dynamic where I do all the housework and DH now lives a life where he does nothing domestic. I also find that not having enough to do has a huge and very negative impact on my mental health and that small tasks become insurmountable. So if this is making you unhappy, OP, I don't think you have to just suck it up because other people think it sounds great. But I think the only solution would be to change what you do, not to expect your DH to do more - both because that doesn't seem fair but also because I don't think doing too much is your problem so it wouldn't actually help.

I think you are doing well.

Why not do some volunteering to help others. I think will give you some satisfaction. Your other tasks will fit in.

The tasks expand to fit the time available.

I don't know who said the above but it's pretty much true.

If you have two hours to make dinner it takes that long. If you have 30 mins you can also make dinner.

Hi OP, I'm a SAHM to 3 boys, similar set up to yours.my husban helps with some things (he washes up after dinner, loads and unloads the dishwasher, does the ironing every Sunday). I do everything else, that's just the roles we chose/fell into. I'd love a cleaner!! I have this habit of, when he is just about to come home from work, rushing around for an hour tidying up and bleaching the loo (so it smells like it's had a deep clean!).

I would say your roles seem split fairly equally x

we don’t have loads of money left at the end of the month. However, we can afford holidays and dinners out etc. and DC goes to nursery for two full days a week (around £700 a month) and we have a cleaner who comes for three hours once a week

SAHM to 3 girls 11, 10, 5(SN). Honestly sounds like you have a charmed life. I have never had any of those things. If your husband was working a 9-5 you may have a point but he's working until the "early hours" to maintain the above lifestyle you are accustomed to and you are expecting him to do more at home when it sounds like he has little time at home himself.

There was a 12month period before our third was born when I was back to work to complete my training and DH was a SAHD. He did all of the things you state you do (plus what your cleaner does)and I do them now.

Sounds to me like you get the better deal between you and your husband.

You sound a bit like my boss - who always complains she is overwhelmed with a part time cushy job, an au pair, a cleaner, and one child in school....

What would you feel was more balanced?

No, it doesn't sound very balanced. Your husband has the shitty end of the stick here, whilst your life sounds quite... easy. 2 days of childcare and a cleaner? Pfffttt...

Do think about what you need to do to enable yourself to get back to work. You'll probably feel better for it, and find that you can still do what you need to, because it's true what PP have said that the task expands to fill the time...

And if you decide not to work, I do hope this thread has helped you realise your privilege.