I am a SAHM - I need your opinions

[Amimissingsomethinghere]

I have a 2.5 year old DC and before this I was a teacher. I had a bad pregnancy and suffer with some mild health anxiety. I don’t want to go back to work, I feel I couldn’t cope and the thought of it makes me feel stressed. My DH works full time and works very hard, often into the early hours, but in turn makes a good salary. We do quite well but live in a very expensive area and so in turn we don’t have loads of money left at the end of the month. However, we can afford holidays and dinners out etc. I contribute nothing financially, my DH pays all the bills and controls the finances. However, he trusts and allows me free rein of spending. Therefore I can spend money on myself or buy something for the house without having to ask him. For larger purchases I will ask him.

God, writing that down makes me cringe - ‘ask him’. But that’s just the way it is. He is very loving and generous but here’s where I need your opinion:

DC goes to nursery for two full days a week (around £700 a month). On these days I can do what I like (we have a cleaner who comes for three hours once a week) but I usually end up doing lots - cooking, sorting etc. My husband in turns expects everything to be sort of ‘done’, dinner on the table at night etc but I must say not every night and he would equally be happy with a jacket potato. I also do everything for our son during the week. He gets involved here and there and plays with him and sometimes helps with bath if he’s free but I am expected to wake up every morning with him and if he wakes in the night it’s always me. I am expected to maintain order in the house in terms of organisation and also I do all the laundry and sort his wardrobe.
Is this reasonable? Is this balanced?

I do get two days off but equally I feel exhausted because I’m running around kind of trying to ‘prove’ myself on those days off. I never just sit in front of the telly! The days my DC is not at nursery I look after him and cook dinner etc as usual.

I’m just interested in people’s opinions on this and is anyone else in a similar position?

People always suggest volunteering but having done stints of it I find that you don't get respect for that either in general.

It's not a magic solution, but I think the OP desperately needs to spend less time alone in her own head ASAP, and hopefully it could help her build confidence toward going back to work.

I know a teacher who due to anxiety is now working as a TA, specific to one child, and loving it. She says she might go back to teaching eventually because it’s building back her self esteem and confidence. From the outside it’s definitely helped her mental health. Maybe this co7ld be something to consider?

@kittykat35 ah not the childcare as such. I agree with @Respectabitch, too much time in your own head dwelling on things doesn't make people happy. A lot of people on here who sound like they need a break (we all beed a break from this awful year) and are idealising something that might not make them happy either.

Actually in 2020 so many activities for under 5s are closed, harder to meet people. So many of us are clutching to shreds of sanity.

SAHP stints are fine but honestly have caused total panic and drowning feelings in me without having a return to work game plan.

@Nc135 I do all the rubbish chores and work too and have no cleaner, does that give us the right to give others a pasting?

@anon444877 it’s just the complete lack of awareness that is staggering. If OP came on and said how lucky I am because I only get to do the rubbish chores, have a cleaner to help, have child care for one child twice a week AND don’t have to work outside the house as well full time. She didn’t. She came on and said - is my DH being reasonable and balanced to expect me to do the laundry and get up for the child in the morning as well? That is why she is getting a reality check and a pasting. She asked for an opinion.

Is this for real? Just having 2 full days for yourself makes you very privileged. And having a cleaner too? I'd love that. Try to enjoy your life. Maybe organise your days better so you are not always "running around". Sometimes when you have too much free time you end up squandering it away not being very efficient. Make to do lists, go to bed earlier so you are more energised in the morning.

Fair enough about lack of awareness - sufficient reality check given though by now? Hope everyone that is struggling finds some way to get a bit of peace.

What is lucky about being unfulfilled and trapped in a situation you dont want

Who says she doesn’t want it?! Certainly not the OP. She’s literally saying she needs even more “time off” despite the amount of outside help her husband is happy to pay for. A meal on the table most nights, and it hardly sounds like cordon bleu, isn’t much to ask by the person bringing in all the money which pays for that help plus a bit of laundry. He’s not complaining at the amount of free time she gets and she’s happy with him working a lot of hours as apparently he enjoys his job.

If she’s so unsatisfied with her lot she’s welcome to look at her options.

£700 a month for 2 days per week?!

I paid only £140 more than that for a full time childminder

I think the simple fact is that having young children is exhausting and relentless, no matter what your situation or how much help you have. But it's also wonderful and in my opinion it's a real privilege not to have to work and worry about paying the bills whilst bringing them up. But I don't think it comes without sacrifices... it means you never get time to be anyone other than mum/wife, and you lose the confidence and independence you had before to be yourself and use your brain more intellectually. I think you are confusing your feelings around normal parenting tiredness and never ending chores, with your lack of self esteem to do more outside of the home. Of course on your days off you should find time to sit in front of the tv if you want to, or meet friends etc. You must have cabin fever and a feeling of ground hog day... especially in these covid times. No wonder you feel so dissatisfied.

You mention you had a difficult pregnancy... are you thinking of having more children? I may have missed some of your updates on this.

I have recently returned to work after having my second child. Both times I have felt some anxiety about returning to work and leaving my babies, and putting them in nursery 5 days a week at 8 months old. When you have time off it does seem really overwhelming to leave your family bubble and have to contemplate juggling a home and work life. But both times I have found my confidence and self esteem has actually improved significantly by having a purpose outside of being a mum and I appreciate the time I have with my kids so much more. It's weird but also having so much to do between work and home life seems to make me so much more organised and effective at both. I think it's time to face your fears and go back to work... it won't be half as scary or stressful as you think. I think women are remarkable at juggling lots of things and you can do more and still have a happy life at home.

@Amimissingsomethinghere

My DH would work into the early hours despite my son going to nursery. He would work into the early hours if he was single. He doesn't get paid per hour.

Sorry I wasn't going to bother responding but I needed to clarify this. He also very much enjoys his job.

Then that is very sad .. and is this really more to the point ? If I were married with a young child it wouldn't be the division of labour that would be concerning me - because in that regard, you do have it easy however no amount of money or time off would make up for a spouse who can't possibly be contributing equally to a relationship at an emotional level - if he ' always works into the small hours' ..

Is your real issue that you are lonely in your marriage, and feel a bit like a gilded bird in a cage . ?

What I hear from your post, is that you feel under valued for the work you are doing but also that your husband isnt really taking part in family life. Regardless of your cleaner and the fact your son goes to nursery. You're still responsible for EVERYTHING else.
Just because you're a SAHM, doesnt mean your husband gets to to check out of be a father, he does need to take responsibility with bathing, playing, eating together. Not just do it every now and then.

If you explored your real feelings of being at home, do you feel happy with it? Do you really want to be at home?

You are described the job of a SAHM, this is their reality. I have serious respect for SAHM mums because it can become seriously lonely but also all responsibly is down to them. What else were you expecting when you decided not to return to work?

Good grief! Are you serious? You have a dream life OP. Make the most of it. The children grow up in no time at all and you are fortunate enough to be hands on throughout that time. I have working mum friends who tear themselves apart emotionally trying to do everything to make ends meet whilst scratching around for enough quality mum time as I did myself.when DD was small. And you have a cleaner?? Seriously, you should be revelling in your super good fortune.

@harriet maybe read the thread. I wouldn't call what the op has as a "dream life" . Bored, unfulfilled,lonely and anxious is the reality.

@AnneLovesGilbert

What is lucky about being unfulfilled and trapped in a situation you dont want

Who says she doesn’t want it?! Certainly not the OP. She’s literally saying she needs even more “time off” despite the amount of outside help her husband is happy to pay for. A meal on the table most nights, and it hardly sounds like cordon bleu, isn’t much to ask by the person bringing in all the money which pays for that help plus a bit of laundry. He’s not complaining at the amount of free time she gets and she’s happy with him working a lot of hours as apparently he enjoys his job.

If she’s so unsatisfied with her lot she’s welcome to look at her options.

I could be wrong, but my guess about what is going on for the OP is:

1. she had what she thought she would "want" and what would relieve her anxiety e.g. she doesn't have to work and has a good deal of help at home, yet she's still anxious and unhappy, and so she's thinking (incorrectly IMO) that the answer is "more help"
2. her DH is a workaholic and what with no work and a largely absent DH, she is socially isolated and finds the miniutae of running a house unstimulating. Thus partly the desire for more help ie freedom from it.

I think this thread is a bit of a lesson in "be careful what you wish for".

No I'm not in the same boat. Both myself & my husband work - really hard. We're have 2 children and are working from home.

You have it easy - apart from the fact you have nothing of your own & rely on your husband for everything.

Surely only a matter of time before he realises how much he's putting in & how much you're taking out - he works really hard & long hours & so you can have a charmed life with 2 days off & a cleaner.

I'm lost for words!

Can you find a part time job of some kind when your little one is at nursery? Or can he not go to play school for a morning or perhaps he is too young? Personally I would aim to do some kind of work when he is older and use the time you have to study for something to this end. This may cost a bit. However, you could do all the cleaning yourself.

Two things stand out for me:

1. Your pregnancy ended 2.5 years ago and you still feel it’s affecting you. I think you need to investigate why and maybe seek counselling to get past that. Did you feel unsupported, were you off work sick and feel guilty, how was your OP during this time?

1. Your OP works long hours, why? I know he enjoys it but surely he enjoys his family too? I could be way off the mark here but maybe he is working hard because homelife is not as happy as it used to be? I don’t mean that in a nasty way at all, just to maybe see that the focus might need to be on you improving your mental health?

Maybe pre-baby you both were happy with the worklife balance and the amount of time you spent together but now you have a child restricting you doing what “filled your cup/kept your mojo” and the residual mental effects of the pregnancy trauma (?) have eroded your mojo? Maybe your oh doesn’t know how to support you to help you find your mojo as a mother, we can’t go back to pre-baby and motherhood changes us but we can still be a mother and do things we enjoy. I don’t want any answers to any of those questions, just something for you to consider, if I’m totally wrong then just scroll on. I hope you find something to light your fire again and get the support to do that.

The complete lack of awareness is coming from a lot of the respondents of the posts in my opinion..... They see a cushy life, an easy life. The reality is the OP is anxious, lonely, unfulfilled and worried about the future. But all anyone sees is that her husband takes care of her financially, and some posters have reacted quite appallingly. The lack of empathy and strong judgement is unpleasant to watch. I reported two threads last night with nasty comments .... I hope this thread gets pulled.

@Sally665

The complete lack of awareness is coming from a lot of the respondents of the posts in my opinion..... They see a cushy life, an easy life. The reality is the OP is anxious, lonely, unfulfilled and worried about the future. But all anyone sees is that her husband takes care of her financially, and some posters have reacted quite appallingly. The lack of empathy and strong judgement is unpleasant to watch. I reported two threads last night with nasty comments .... I hope this thread gets pulled.

I completely agree.

Somebody even said that health anxiety can be 'easily dealt with'.

Erm, no it can't! I have spent the last two years paralysed by it. And that's with pretty much every intervention you could name.

OP shouldn't have to ask for money, and not enough people are agreeing that.

Yes I am jealous that OP has a cleaner too but I do not resent them for it, unlike many people I see here.

I'm a SAHM mum and full time carer, as one of my children is autistic. In theory I have 'two days off' a week as my youngest goes to childminder then. In reality I have 9.30-2.30 'off' and in that time I have mountains of admin, cleaning, laundry and pet stuff to do.

That is not time off. It's work.

Looking after a child is work. OP is working. Looking after a child and an autistic child is like having two jobs at once. But that's my baggage to deal with and doesn't make me judge OP harshly.

OP you need to be actively seeking treatment for your mental health, as that is paramount. Ignore all the other advice on here. Put your mind first.

A few thoughts about your post op:

You could instantly save £700 a month by using the 15 hours government funding for children over 3. Ok so the day might be shorter than private nursery but might actually be better to have them in nursery 3 or 4 shorter days than 2 long days as it sounds like you're not using that time particularly well or enjoying your time off anyway.

You sound lonely and with your oh regularly working into the small hours I'm not surprised. Why not use the £700 you could save as hook for your husband to look at reducing his hours. I assume he's self employed and (like my oh) the temptation to just work every hour god sends is strong but you need a home work balance and it doesn't sound like your husband has got this yet. Start with a couple of set days a week that he's home by a certain time and build from there. My DH has definitely benefited from working less hours and it's not affected his bottom line in any way.

I've just started a full time job after being a sham for 10 years. It took me about a year to stop procrastinating and I was terrified at the prospect/thought the world would fall around me/my children would miss me too much/my husband wouldn't honour his agreement to be around more whilst I was working/the house would be a shit hole etc etc. Do you know what, I am LOVING being 'me' again and not even thinking about the domestic drudgery all day. Should have at least got a PT job years ago and would highly recommend you do the same if not for the finances then your own mental well-being. If you can't get a job then definitely look at helping at school or similar so you have so,e sort of focus and purpose.

Ignore the mean posts - hope your MH issues are improving. You’re not entitled at all. Just questioning your situation.

The way I see it OP - you have a full time job 3 days a week looking after the kids. You also work 5 evenings a week because your DH’s hours are insane. If DH doesn’t help during the mornings or evenings (understandably) then you’re basically a single mum 5 days a week. And on the weekend sounds like you do all the chores. So your two weekdays off are your only chance for a break.

I can totally get how you’d fill the two days cleaning doing washing prepping meals esp if literally all the housework falls to you. I think maybe DH could help out on the weekend more?

I’m a SAHM mum with a slightly younger DC than you. Similar situation but mine hasn’t started nursery yet. When DC does start I’ll make sure to give myself a break. I won’t feel guilty about it either - I work bloody hard at my job (childcare IS a job!!) and I deserve it!!

DH helps me with chores and childcare when he’s not working (we share these). Partly because DC often won’t let me do cooking/cleaning without wanting attention so sometimes it’s easier for DH to do it.

Please don’t feel guilty. You’re making your DH’s life easier by doing the job of a nanny, cleaner, cook and housekeeper all in one so he can thrive at work. It wouldn’t kill him to give you a lie in every now and again on the weekend - esp if your DC is a bad sleeper.

It can feel lonely being a SAHM mum and you do feel like the odd one out (I do anyway) when all your friends work. Maybe that’s why you feel unsettled? But everyone’s different. If you know juggling work and a toddler will make you miserable then I think don’t go back to work before you’re ready. Happy mum happy child.

@Sunnymummy77

Ignore the mean posts - hope your MH issues are improving. You’re not entitled at all. Just questioning your situation.

The way I see it OP - you have a full time job 3 days a week looking after the kids. You also work 5 evenings a week because your DH’s hours are insane. If DH doesn’t help during the mornings or evenings (understandably) then you’re basically a single mum 5 days a week. And on the weekend sounds like you do all the chores. So your two weekdays off are your only chance for a break.

I can totally get how you’d fill the two days cleaning doing washing prepping meals esp if literally all the housework falls to you. I think maybe DH could help out on the weekend more?

I’m a SAHM mum with a slightly younger DC than you. Similar situation but mine hasn’t started nursery yet. When DC does start I’ll make sure to give myself a break. I won’t feel guilty about it either - I work bloody hard at my job (childcare IS a job!!) and I deserve it!!

DH helps me with chores and childcare when he’s not working (we share these). Partly because DC often won’t let me do cooking/cleaning without wanting attention so sometimes it’s easier for DH to do it.

Please don’t feel guilty. You’re making your DH’s life easier by doing the job of a nanny, cleaner, cook and housekeeper all in one so he can thrive at work. It wouldn’t kill him to give you a lie in every now and again on the weekend - esp if your DC is a bad sleeper.

It can feel lonely being a SAHM mum and you do feel like the odd one out (I do anyway) when all your friends work. Maybe that’s why you feel unsettled? But everyone’s different. If you know juggling work and a toddler will make you miserable then I think don’t go back to work before you’re ready. Happy mum happy child.

OP's DC is 2.5, so doesn't qualify for free child care yet.

Apols @Sunnymummy77 quoted the wrong reply