I am a SAHM - I need your opinions

[Amimissingsomethinghere]

I have a 2.5 year old DC and before this I was a teacher. I had a bad pregnancy and suffer with some mild health anxiety. I don’t want to go back to work, I feel I couldn’t cope and the thought of it makes me feel stressed. My DH works full time and works very hard, often into the early hours, but in turn makes a good salary. We do quite well but live in a very expensive area and so in turn we don’t have loads of money left at the end of the month. However, we can afford holidays and dinners out etc. I contribute nothing financially, my DH pays all the bills and controls the finances. However, he trusts and allows me free rein of spending. Therefore I can spend money on myself or buy something for the house without having to ask him. For larger purchases I will ask him.

God, writing that down makes me cringe - ‘ask him’. But that’s just the way it is. He is very loving and generous but here’s where I need your opinion:

DC goes to nursery for two full days a week (around £700 a month). On these days I can do what I like (we have a cleaner who comes for three hours once a week) but I usually end up doing lots - cooking, sorting etc. My husband in turns expects everything to be sort of ‘done’, dinner on the table at night etc but I must say not every night and he would equally be happy with a jacket potato. I also do everything for our son during the week. He gets involved here and there and plays with him and sometimes helps with bath if he’s free but I am expected to wake up every morning with him and if he wakes in the night it’s always me. I am expected to maintain order in the house in terms of organisation and also I do all the laundry and sort his wardrobe.
Is this reasonable? Is this balanced?

I do get two days off but equally I feel exhausted because I’m running around kind of trying to ‘prove’ myself on those days off. I never just sit in front of the telly! The days my DC is not at nursery I look after him and cook dinner etc as usual.

I’m just interested in people’s opinions on this and is anyone else in a similar position?

@Viviennemary

This makes me glad I'm not a man. I just wouldn't put up with this. Sorry OP you are acting in a very selfish way.

I have an acquaintance like this. She has one kid, cleaner and a gardener, and her husband works like a dog to pay the bills, she refuses to work to take the burden off him financially snd actually still complains she does too much and would like him to also be giving her regular lie ins. She also spends freely on herself as and when she pleases.

It’s like a form of abuse when you see it play out. I genuinely don’t understand why he’s still there.

You are a teacher, so if your marriage fails you will be fine to get a job, so I wouldn't worry about that at all.

No not really the case at all....teaching is constantly changing, curriculum changes etc etc. The longer OP stays out the less of a chance of getting back in to be honest.

Which bit do you think is unfair? The cleaner, the free time you have, childcare you don’t actually need, doing night wake ups when you don’t have to get up in the morning, cooking when your husband is working mad hours?

Can you clarify the source of your exhaustion despite the above?

I'm not sure if you're going to come back after these responses!

But it all sounds fair. You have two days a week at home without your DC. That generally makes up for doing the mornings and wake ups...

You sound a bit as though the boredom has got you down - you might not realise it, but it reads like you really need something to do to distract you and keep you busy

Sounds like you do have it quite easy on paper. Although I suppose it's easy to underestimate the "24/7" nature of being a mum or primary carer for a toddler. I can understand why it feels like you never switch off but honestly I think that part is just motherhood, from what I hear.

You seem to resent doing anything.

You and your dh are a partnership surely?

He does his share of work so you need to do your share.

What do you want? Your cleaner to come more often? More days at nursery for your DC? Your dh to do more housework? What do you want to do? Relax more and have absolutely nothing to do?

Have you seen a doctor about your health issues, OP?

It seems very odd that you are so exhausted with so little to do - only one child, two days in nursery, a cleaner for 3 hours a week? I'd be worried that there is some underlying problem that is causing you to feel so tired.

In terms of whether the arrangements are fair, I think you have definitely got the easier end of the deal, but if your dh is ok with this and not resentful, then I guess it's fine.

bluntness Maybe the dh likes providing for her? Maybe he enjoys giving his wife the kind of life he feels she deserves? How do you know the dh of your 'acquaintance' feels about it? Your comment smacks of jealousy.

hoitytoit Op can catch up if she needs to, the qualifications are there and do not expire. A training course or two and I am sure she could walk into a job at any time. We are kind of desperate for good teachers, so her future security in my view is sound, especially if she sticks to just the one child. She is married, so has some financial security just be being married. No need to work unless she wants to.

I think previous replies have missed the point here - jumping on the cushy life aspect.

You know you are in a very fortunate position - what I hear is the guilt of that. I think you know that this is not an equal partnership if you get two days off to yourself each week.

I think you need to look at how you can fill them more productively for your self esteem - voluntary work/restart your career. Or learn to appreciate the time you have and enjoy it for the time it offers as "me time".

A form of abuse

I have honestly heard it all now!

If you aren’t working then running the home is your job. You can still do things for yourself during child free time if you are organised. You are very very lucky.

"we don’t have loads of money left at the end of the month" but go on holidays, eat out, DC goes to nursery 2 days even though you don't work, and you have a cleaner.....ermmm I think you need to get a grip of reality.

I'm on a sabbatical, due to return to work soon, but essentially have been a sahm for 6months after mat leave. Similar situation to you re split of work and finances and having cleaner/nursery, although think my husband doesn't expect everything to be 'done' and chips in more.

I am going back to work 4 days a week soon and looking forward to the distribution of work being more clear cut. I struggle to know how to be fair as looking after a house and 18mo tires me waaaaay more than work and I envy him sat at a computer all day!

For me it is all about sleep. If I get enough I am on fire, can do it all with a smile and enjoy it. If not I really struggle. Your situation sounds fair and I think mine is too, but still find it hard. Definitely do not think it's as clear cut as they work so you do all house/childcare as that would mean you were 'on' 24hours a day! I think, essentially, I am not SAHM material. No matter how much help I have and how much I love my son, I can't feel completely happy only doing housework and childcare. Maybe that's the issue?

What Betty just said, I think you feel unable to relax as you are aware that you are in a fortunate position. Give yourself permission to have one morning pee week completely boff, soon on the couch or whatever you do yo relax. I really think even if teaching is not for you right now, a part time job in anything would really help you. You are in a position to not need the money for it so you can be choosy as to what it is so it need not be something strenuous.

This can't be real.

Is it a reverse or something? A MIL posting about her pampered DIL?

What even is the question?

"Is this fair? Is this balanced?"

Absolutely not. Tell your dh to come on and ask the same question...he'll get some good advice on not having the piss taken out of him!

@Friendsoftheearth

A form of abuse

I have honestly heard it all now!

Well if a woman was working herself into the ground while her dh sat around complaining she didn't do enough housework and that he had to look after his DC, can you imagine what he'd be called?!

It seems fair, at least on paper. Obviously if your DC is waking up every hour or something then that's going to make life harder for you.

The thing that stood out to me is that you say you're feeling guilty about enjoying your time off. It sounds to me that if you have a cleaner and you're happy with simple meals sometimes then one day should be enough to sort out the household admin/laundry/shoping/meal planning. So maybe it would help to plan out which time you're using for that and which time is for relaxing? Because if you can't enjoy the down time then of course you're going to feel stressed.

Ultimately no-one here knows your mental state or what you can cope with. Clearly the situation is not working for you and, whilst I don't think your DH is being unfair, it sounds like something needs to change for you. Maybe this is finding work, or working on your time planning or getting help with your anxiety? Only you can figure that bit out though.

I'll be honest, you are in an incredibly privileged position and I don't think you realise it. You say you don't have much money left at the end of the month yet you have your child in nursery despite not working and have a cleaner. Where one parent stays home (this isn't a male/female thing, I know a sahd) I think it's entirely reasonable for that person to do the cleaning, shopping, household admin and weekday childcare unless there's some mitigating factor eg disability or immediately following the birth etc. Where a cleaner is employed and you have childcare more so (I don't know any sahms who use childcare other than the 3 year old free hours).

Weekends obviously childcare is shared but I think it's quite reasonable for the person in fulltime work to get a little downtime where there's a weekday nursery place. Honestly people need to see how fortunate they are

I do all of what you've written with a child who goes to nursery and also do a fairly stressful full time job. I share all the bills equally with my husband. To be honest, it has been easier for me with the lockdown as I can work from home and I don't have a daily two and half hour commute on top of everything.
I just carry on thinking this is how adult life is but after reading your post I feel I am very over worked and under unappreciated at home and that my husband has it very easy.
To be honest from my perspective you have a very easy and charming life. Although I couldn't be financially dependent on anyone but everyone is different. I think the division of work in your house is quite balanced perhaps more favourable for you.

Hello. I think ultimately you are a team and you need to agree together a plan that works. We are all different and all have different energy levels. I am a SAHM at the mo (have worked as well) and I pretty much do everything (I have 4 kids). My husband works long hours but does help if he is not too busy. Neither of us gets much down-time. My husband quite likes the laundry so will do that but I do everything else. When I worked I found I still did everything and I was getting ill (husband worked away so couldn't help). Having had some serious health problems I decided to wait until life was a bit easier and then go back to work (was spending all salary on childcare) - my GP was worried. When I go back to work I imagine I will still do a lot of the day-to-day admin but that is fine as husband is not around, if he was he would help. Ultimately you are a team and you have to agree your own way. Husband is happy for me to manage the finances for us all.

Hmm, ok, I think I get it a bit. The rub is in the word 'expected'. Your division of labour is more than fine. If it were me, I'd be doing all that and more and not even thinking about it.

But if there were ever a conversation between me and my husband where he made it clear that I was 'expected' to 'sort his wardrobe' -I'd be applying for jobs sooner than you can say 'handmaiden'. It's all in the attitude. How do you know he 'expects' you to 'sort his wardrobe'?

• do you mean he's asked you if he has a clean shirt because he (quite fairly) expects that you'll be the one dealing with the ashing?

• or would you be liable to get summoned to the bedroom and shown his untidy closet with a raised eyebrow and a paternal 'I think you may have missed something here, dearest?' - ?

The answer to that one is everything!

*washing

@pipnchops

I'm a SAHM and while my DH is working I do everything around the house and to do with our DC. When he's not at work we both pitch in and do things together. We take it in turns to put the children to bed and whoever wakes up first gets up early with the DC (usually my DH tbh as he's a lighter sleeper and more of a morning person!). We're a good team and it works well. We both recognise when the other is feeling a bit burnt out and give them a break. That's how it works for us.

I'm in a similar position, I do the house/kids stuff when DH is working but we pitch in together when he is not. We are a team.

OP, I would have loved two child free days and a cleaner. I have no child free days and no cleaner .

Ps I got up fir my kids until they left home 7 days a week (mums taxi service was required 7 days a week alas due to hobbies) so no sympathy from me. As I worked pt, I did the home stuff end of.

I work a couple of hours in the middle of the day,dh works full time.I do everything in the house including all the meals as id feel like I'd be taking the piss if i didn't .